Seeing Clearly

by Casey McMillin

  "I just need some fucking air, Joel, and I want to be alone while I'm breathing that air."

  Ouch.

  I had no idea what I'd done. I was holding her the same on the fourth song as I had been on the first, so I was clueless as to what set her off. She was looking at me like she couldn't stand the sight of me.

  "Go breathe your fucking air then, Gretchen."

  "Thank you," she said, and she was gone without a backward glance.

  I went to the bar to get a drink, and ended up talking to Zack Larson, one of the swim guys. He had two girls vying for his attention. Neither of them seemed to mind the prospect of sharing him. In fact, I was reasonably sure those two would be up for throwing me in the mix as well. Neither Zack nor myself would ever be into that, but the girls didn't seem like the type who'd mind.

  I craned my neck up and over the heads of the girls in question to once again scan the room… still no sign of my redhead. It had been nearly a half-hour since she told me she needed a breather, and I was starting to get anxious that she hadn’t resurfaced. I spotted Rachel and Collin, so I excused myself from the little threesome and began walking in their direction.

  "Have you seen Gretchen?" I asked when I got within yelling range of the pair. Rachel gave me a confused look.

  "She went home a while ago," she said, looking over at Collin for confirmation. He nodded. Rachel turned back to me, still confused. "I thought you would have been the first person she told, what, with how you two were… you know." She shrugged. I tried to make sense of what she was saying.

  "Did she leave by herself?" I asked.

  She shrugged again and looked at Collin. "I think she got Caleb or Cali to drive her home since they rode together, but I’m not sure."

  I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. "Did she say anything? Did she say why she was leaving?"

  "She said she wasn't feeling very good, but I thought you knew about it."

  "No, I knew she wasn't feeling well, but I thought she was just stepping out for some fresh air, not leaving for good." Rachel's expression was one of regret tinged with a little worry for her friend.

  "I'm going to step outside and text her to make sure she's okay," I said. I went outside and took my phone from my pocket to type out a text.

  Me: "You okay? Why'd you leave?"

  Three long minutes later.

  Gretchen: "Sorry. I'm fine, just had to get out of there. Think I may be coming down with something. Just need some rest."

  Me: "Please tell me if I did something wrong. I'm not good at reading into things."

  Gretchen: "It's not you."

  Me: "Can I come check on you?"

  Gretchen: "Not tonight. I just need rest."

  Me: "When?"

  Gretchen: "I don't know. I'll call when I feel better."

  Me: "Feel better soon."

  Gretchen: "K"

  I let out a frustrated breath then typed a quick text to Rachel.

  Me: "Talked to Gretchen. She's home. I'm going home too. I'll catch up with you guys later.

  I didn't expect to hear back from her, so I dropped my phone into my pocket and grabbed the keys to my car.

  Chapter 11

  Gretchen

  Cali gave me a ride home from the club. She wanted to stay to make sure I was okay, but I insisted I was fine and she should go back and meet Caleb.

  "I'll call you in the morning, Chica," she said. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay?"

  "No, I'm fine. I just got a little dizzy with all the music. Plus I'm really confused about Joel. I guess I just got overwhelmed for a minute, like a panic attack."

  "Do you feel better now?" she asked, touching a hand to my forehead.

  "Tons," I lied. I threw a smile in there for good measure, hoping that would convince her to be on her way.

  "Okay." She gave me a worried look. "You better call me if you start feeling bad again. I can be here in twenty minutes."

  "Thanks. And thanks for the ride. I'm sorry I got sick. Oh, and one more thing."

  "Yeah?"

  "When you get back to The Yard, if you see Joel, the guy who I was dancing with, can you tell him I'm sorry."

  "Sure. I'll call tomorrow to check on you. Feel better."

  "Thanks," I said, giving her another one of those fake smiles. My text message alert went off, I picked up my phone as Cali was headed for the door. I called out to her, "Hey, this is Joel. Don't worry about telling him anything."

  "All right, girlie, I'll talk to you tomorrow." She closed the door behind her. I stood up to lock the door but then went right back to the couch, falling onto it.

  I hadn't thought about the possibility of a panic attack until I said it out loud to Cali, but my symptoms really did point to that. At first I thought the vertigo I experienced on the dance floor was from the loud music, but I was no stranger to the club and this was the first time that had ever happened to me. I thought it was more likely something to do with my dance partner and the affect he had on me.

  I took a few minutes to gather my wits before I responded to his text. I told him I was sorry and I just wanted to be alone. We sent a few texts back and fourth before he finally got the point that I wasn't feeling well and seriously wanted to be by myself.

  I wasn't feeling well. I was sick to my stomach and the room was spinning, which was unnerving since I hadn't had single drop of alcohol all night. I barely managed to change into a T-shirt before collapsing onto my bed.

  ****

  I woke up to the sound of my doorbell. Out of one eye, I regarded the alarm clock on my nightstand. It read 9:53 AM. I sat up on the edge of my bed relieved to realize that my dizziness and bellyache were gone. I took a deep breath just to make sure. Thankfully, I was feeling much better now than I was when I fell asleep last night.

  Stopping first to pull on a pair of yoga pants that were resting on the back of a chair, I made my way to the door to see who was ringing my bell. Bailey and Rachel were standing there holding coffee cups and a couple of paper bags full of food. My shoulders slouched in relief at the sight of their smiling faces.

  "Aww, Gretchhh," Rachel said. Bailey went straight in for the hug. I was so happy to have my girls here with me. I felt better physically, but I was really feeling crummy about how I'd left Joel last night. I knew my hasty departure must have taken him by surprise, but I wasn't ready to confront my feelings about him yet, so I was just planning on avoiding him for now. Maybe some girl time would fix me.

  "What are you girls doing here so early?" I asked. I was honestly a little perplexed by seeing the two of them on my doorstep.

  "We were both worried about you last night, so before we left the club, we made plans to meet up this morning and come by to check on you." Rachel said.

  "Seriously? You two are the bestest girlfriends ever."

  "Aww, shucks," Bailey said, making her way past me into my apartment. "We're just glad to see you up and around."

  "Well, I wasn't up and around before I heard you guys at the door, but I can already tell I'm better off than I was last night," I said. "What's in the bags?" I grabbed a few small plates out of the kitchen cabinet.

  "Muffins, bagels… a hodgepodge really." Bailey said. She looked in the bags even though she already knew what they contained.

  "I'd be in big trouble at work for even looking at this stuff, but what they don't know won't hurt 'em." I already had a mouth full of the top of a blueberry muffin. It was the kind with course ground sugar and streusel topping. My eyes were closed, and I was dead to the world, lost in blueberry heaven. I savored the delicious bite in my mouth, completely oblivious to everything until I heard the sound of my own name.

  "Gretchen, Gretchen…" Rachel was still stuck on what I'd said before I entered the blueberry oblivion. "What are you talking about, 'trouble' at work? I can tell you've lost weight since you've been there." She gave me a glare that could only be described as motherly. "Do they tell you what you can and can't eat?"

  "No it's not
like that," I said. "We're encouraged to maintain a certain weight, and the show provides trainers and nutritionists to help us out." I paused to take another bite of the delicious muffin. "This would definitely not be on the recommended foods list."

  "Did they tell you about that when you signed the contract? No muffins may be a deal breaker for me," Bailey said, as she took a bite of the chunk of sin she took from the bag.

  "Actually I think the dietary stuff was in the contract, but I'm really not worried about it. And, like I said, what they don't know… "

  The girls set everything down on the coffee table in front of my couch, so I snuggled into a spot and grabbed the paper coffee cup that was meant for me. I put it to my mouth and took a swig of its contents. "Yumm, this isn't a skinny, is it?"

  "No." they both said at the same time. I resolved in that quick second not to mention food restrictions again. I may as well go ahead and enjoy myself. I could always hit the gym this afternoon.

  "What happened last night?" Bailey asked.

  I thought I'd have a few more minutes to enjoy the muffin, but now was as good a time as any to get down to business.

  "I don't know really. I was dancing with Joel—"

  "Yeah, we know," Bailey said sarcastically, "we couldn’t help but notice."

  I shot her a playful warning glare before I continued, "One minute I was dancing with him, enjoying myself, enjoying his company on the dance floor… and the next minute I was dizzy and disoriented. All those feelings sort of snapped me out of the Joel-induced trance I was in, all of a sudden making me feel like I had no business being there. Then one thought led to another and I got real panicky."

  "You were out on the dance floor the whole time," Rachel said. "I saw you out there, so I know you hadn't been drinking."

  "No, I got dizzy the other day at work, too. I don't want you to get worried, but I think it's probably the diet. I'm trying to cut carbs, and sometimes it makes me lose energy."

  "Those fuckers," Bailey said. "They have no right to tell you what to eat! I don't think I'd be able to handle that."

  "Yes you would," I told her. "You'd do it for the show if you were me."

  "Okay, maybe you're right, but I'd totally sneak snacks. You better start slipping in a few HoHo's in between workouts."

  "I know, I think I could fit a muffin or two in my purse, don't you?"

  "Seriously Gretch, you've got to feed yourself." Rachel was looking at me with the kind of impassivity that demanded I pay attention to her. "You must realize that dizziness is an unacceptable result of any diet. You see where that's unhealthy, right?"

  "Of course I do, but I don’t even know if that's the cause. Our trainers and nutritionists know what they're doing. Really, I think it's just while my body gets used to the routine. I don't want you guys to worry about me. I'm getting paid good money to do something I love. Living the American dream and whatnot."

  Rachel and Bailey were both regarding me with such sweet expressions. I was so thankful to have friends who cared about me enough to wake their butts up on a Saturday morning to come check up on me.

  "Do you like it?" Rachel asked, wondering how I felt about my new job.

  "I've been wanting to ask you that same thing," Bailey said. "Are you enjoying the work?"

  "I really am. The cast and crew, well most of them anyway, have all been really nice. The writing's kind of cheesy sometimes but we all laugh and make fun of ourselves behind the scenes. It's a good group of people."

  "Well that's good to hear," Rachel said. She must have been convinced of my sincerity, because she smiled and said, "Well, we at least need to get you a good multivitamin." I smiled back, partly because I thought a vitamin was a good idea, and partly because I was thankful for the opportunity to change the subject.

  "Did you guys have fun at the club last night?" I asked. They exchanged a guilty look.

  Rachel spoke up, but only after a few long seconds of making me wonder what in the world was so amazing. "They had a rap competition where these guys did this freestyle rapping against each other."

  "It's called a battle," Bailey interjected.

  "Whatever, it was the coolest thing I've ever seen. All the guys took turns. Well, sometimes they would jump in right in the middle of another guy's turn… I can't believe they could come up with things to say off the cuff like that… anyway, at the very end, Bree Z showed up.

  "The real Bree Z?" I asked, my mouth dropping open in disbelief. He was only the biggest thing in the hip-hop world right now. "And he rapped, I assume?"

  "Yeah," Rachel said, "I can't believe how talented those guys are. It was really fun, I'm sorry you missed it."

  "What did Joel say about it?" I knew they'd get a kick out of my curiosity, but I just couldn't help but ask.

  "Joel left the second he heard you were gone," Rachel said.

  "Really? Why didn't you tell me that? What'd he say?" I took another sip of the latte while I waited for an answer.

  "He was just really surprised that you were gone. And to be honest, I was surprised you didn't tell him. Why didn't you?"

  "I don't know. It's like I said, I got dizzy then I just felt overwhelmed."

  What I didn't say out loud was that the part that overwhelmed me most was finding myself wishing I belonged to Joel, hoping we could have something more than a one-night thing like last time. There was no room for thoughts and hopes such as those. They'd only lead to disappointment.

  "I know I've been hounding you about giving Joel a shot," Rachel said, "but I want you to know I'm not going to do that anymore. I can see that I may be overstepping my bounds, and I don't want to make either of you uncomfortable."

  I didn't respond right away since I didn't know quite what to say. That news should have probably made me happy, but for some reason, I wasn't ready for Rachel to give up on Joel and me.

  "It doesn't make me uncomfortable," I said. "I'm just trying to figure it out for myself. We obviously have chemistry… we just have issues that may end up being too big for us to overcome."

  I knew the girls hadn't brought up Ian Craig's photograph out of respect for me, so I went ahead and put it out there, "Can you believe he bought all those photographs?"

  They lit up like two little kids. They'd been dying for me to bring it up. If I would've known they were this curious, I would have talked about it right when they walked in my apartment.

  "I saw it before they covered it up. It was amazing," Bailey said. "Is he going to give you one of the prints?"

  "He asked me if I wanted one, but I told him no. I can't believe you saw it. Did you get there before Joel?"

  "Yeah, I'm the one that brought him to see it." Bailey looked over at Rachel and continued, "You know that painting called The Kiss?" Rachel nodded her answer, and Bailey said, "Well it's one of my favorites, and this photograph was at least that good. She had on this green dress, and the way he framed the photo with all the flowers around was just beautiful."

  I didn't want to hear anymore about the print itself… I already knew what it looked like. I wanted to hear about Joel's reaction to it. "What did Joel say when he saw it? What did his face look like?"

  "I don't really know," Bailey said. "I just remember thinking he was going to be excited about it because of how amazing the picture was, but the first thing he wanted to do was find Ian and get it down from the wall. I think he was worried about it embarrassing you.

  "He was not worried about embarrassing me, I'll tell you that. If anything, he's the one who was embarrassed."

  "Why do you say that? "Rachel said, stepping in to take up for Joel. "He's not ashamed of you, Gretchen. Anyone can see that. He's outwardly attracted to you. I wish you could get that through your thick skull." Rachel reached out and gave me a few knocks to the noggin for emphasis.

  "I know he's not ashamed to be seen with me. He just doesn't want to settle down with me."

  "You say that as if you want to settle down with him. Let's be fair, you've told me more times
than I can count that you're not ready for a serious relationship."

  Chapter 12

  Joel

  I had never in my entire life been in such great shape. The only thing that helped me get Gretchen off my mind was wearing myself out with a workout. Until this point, I'd been going to the gym three times a week. That was all I had to do to maintain the level of fitness I thought was reasonable. It had been nearly three months since we made the trip to Vegas, and my workouts had grown increasingly more frequent since then.

  I worked a lot and had a few social outings here and there, but I used any remaining free time to work out. I was also eating clean, which meant I was feeling really good. The physical boost I felt from my recent routine was the only thing that helped me find balance for an ever-growing lack of something else in my life, but the subject of what I didn't have wasn't something I usually dwelt on. I did my best to put those thoughts out of my head.

  I looked at myself in the mirror one morning in mid December, thinking how cool it was to see the results from my diet and exercise. The guy I saw in the mirror could stand up next to the likes of Collin and Zack without a shirt on, and that's saying a lot.

  I was feeling confident, and that made me want to see Gretchen. I decided to try to see her today. Maybe I'd work a little during the morning and take the afternoon off. I could surprise her by going to the studio. I'd met Max Mitchell a time or two, so I figured it'd be easy enough to talk my way onto the premises. I thought about the possibility of walking in there to find her doing a scene with another guy. I tried to prepare myself for that, but my mind rejected the thought completely. It had been almost a week since the night of the art show, and I was tired of fucking waiting for her to call me. I would see Gretchen today, one way or another.

  ****

  "My name's Joel Perrin. I'm here to see Gretchen McKay."

  The lady was serious about her job, I'll give her that. She had on a dark blue uniform, complete with cargo pants and some sort of badge. I smiled at the fierce little creature. For someone so short, she looked like a force to be reckoned with.