It's Only Temporary

by Jamie Pearson

  ‘I’m going to miss these when I am in America,’ I told her.

  She looked at me with an expression that could have either been a smile or a snarl, ‘That’s not all,’ she said.

  Was it standard operational procedure for everyone I knew to be cryptic? I did not trouble myself to debate her hidden meaning and waited in my classroom for Kurt and Jade to arrive. Before I entered I walked past the other class room and had to do a double take, it had an assortment of lights, record decks, a juke box and even a pool table haphazardly dumped inside.

  ‘You like it Prof?’ I heard Kurt ask from behind me.

  ‘Good innit?’ Jade added.

  ‘It’s……blinding,’ I said. Both of them beamed at me.

  It seemed that the two of them had managed to source nearly everything from Alfie’s list, ‘So what’s next?’ I asked.

  ‘We’re gonna do some posters and wotnot,’ Jade said. ‘Y’know advertise it.’

  ‘Hmmm, maybe you should do posters asking for support at the council meeting first? We don’t have permission to do this yet.’

  ‘Okey doke Prof, will do,’ she cheerfully told me.

  Eventually Stacy reappeared, ‘I need to talk to you, in private,’ I said.

  ‘Ok, want a tea while we do it?’

  ‘Yeah, thanks.’

  I sat in her office as she made the tea mentally rehearsing what I would say until it was a fluent, no nonsense but sensitive statement that would ensure she was fully aware of my meaning.’

  ‘Ok, what’s up?’ she asked handing me my tea as she sat down. I was pleased to note that she had not tried to anticipate what I was going to say and interrupt me.

  ‘Well you see the thing is…err I wanted to say, to tell you… that, well….’ This was not going at all well.

  ‘Tea ok?’ she interrupted. There I knew it, I thought, she had to interrupt. ‘I only ask as you are making no sense what so ever, take a sip and sort your head out.’

  I did as she instructed, bizarrely it helped. ‘It’s builders tea by the way,’ she said, I had not noticed.

  ‘Ok, I just wanted to tell you that I am genuinely very grateful for everything you have done for me and I mean everything.’

  ‘Ok.’

  ‘I also wanted to say that I am really going to miss you, very much so.’ Her mobile started ringing and she looked down at it before pressing what I assumed was the reject button. Feeling pleased at that I wanted to continue but found myself struggling, ‘I just wanted, y’know. To make sure that you knew, y’know. How I felt.’

  ‘I see, how you felt?

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘And how do you feel?’

  ‘Confused, very very confused,’ where had that come from? Confused, I was not confused or was I?

  ‘Ok, well what can I do to help?’

  ‘Let me go.’

  ‘Let you go? How am I stopping you?’

  ‘Let me go without making me feel bad.’

  ‘Why do you feel bad?’

  ‘Cos I am leaving you behind,’ I had not meant to say any of that and had no idea where it had come from but saying felt quite exhilarating. She looked at me before coming around the desk she bent down so our heads were close together and placed her hands either side of my face. Then she kissed me, in a way that was more than a peck but not the full on cannibalism I had seen at the night club.

  ‘I am going to miss you too, very very much. But you have to do what is right for you. You have to find what is missing from your life.’

  She broke away and grabbed her jacket, ‘You going?’ I asked.

  ‘Err yeah, gonna take the rest of the day. There’s hardly anyone here, just keep an eye on Jade and Kurt. Yu will lock up, I will see you tomorrow.’

  ‘Wait,’ I said, but she was already gone.

  Chapter 31.

  Stacy did not come back that day, the following day I was advised that she was not feeling very well and would be staying at home preparing for the council meeting. My sense of confusion was ever deepening; she had kissed me, why? What did that mean? Was she attracted to me as well or was she simply being affectionate? Now she was keeping away from me it seemed which made it even more unclear.

  I needed to ask her about these things, as well as what she meant by finding what I was missing, what did that mean? Her not being around made that impossible and after my last impromptu visit to her house I felt discretion was the better part of valour.

  By the end of Tuesday I had managed to control my thought processes enough to realise that if I allowed myself to be immersed in this infatuation then I ran the risk of the bigger picture, my future, becoming derailed. Anyway I would see her on Friday and that was it, my future would begin at that point I rationalised. In fact it seemed to be easier to think more clearly when I was not in Stacy’s company, so maybe this was for the best. I did not want to do or say something rash simply because I was feeling confused, plus a little emotional if I was completely honest with my self

  Yu also told me that as we were going to be interviewing on Friday to give Kurt and Jade the day off, when I told them this they were very initially very pleased.

  ‘Hang on, todays our last day?’ Jade asked.

  ‘That’s right.’

  ‘Well that means we won’t see you no more after this?’

  ‘Moron,’ I said.

  ‘Yeah got me,’ she smiled. ‘But Prof, is that right? Our last day with you?’

  ‘Yeah, it is.’

  ‘But we’re gonna see ya at the youth club ain’t we?’ Kurt added.

  ‘Ermm, maybe not.’ I explained to them about Texas and the opportunity it gave me, I elected to leave out my meeting with Mr Russell, I didn’t want to cloud the issue any further.

  ‘What does Miss think?’ Jade asked.

  ‘Stacy?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘I don’t really know.’ I answered truthfully.

  I received a hug from Jade and a fist pump from Kurt before they left, ‘See you tomorrow?’ Yu asked.

  ‘I don’t think so, thanks anyway.’

  ‘Oh, Thursday?’

  ‘I’ll be back in on Friday,’ I said. I did not want to cause any more unwarranted angst for either myself or Stacy. She was keeping her distance for a reason I assumed and it was probably best that I respected that, for both of us.

  My best intentions had failed me by Wednesday lunch time as I knocked tentatively on the door, was I really going to do this?

  ‘Wotcha mate,’ he said as he opened it.

  ‘Alfie, errmm. I’m a bit stuck mate.’

  ‘What’s up?’

  What was up was that I was broke and hungry, staying away from the centre had been a moral rather than practical decision. I had not eaten since yesterday lunch time and tomorrow morning benefits payment seemed a long way off. This was horrible, all that was missing was a begging bowl and a skinny dog to ensure that I looked the way I felt.

  My hope was that he would take me for lunch and then I could tough it out until the next morning. Alfie responded in true Alfie fashion by handing me a wad of money ‘To tide you over,’ he told me.

  ‘This is far too much mate, I only need to get through till tomorrow, I can’t afford to owe you this much.’

  ‘Who said anything about owing?’ he asked. ‘That reminds me,’ he started to open and close drawers until he found a white business envelope.’ Here we go, some American I had left over since I was last over there.’

  ‘American?’

  ‘Wonga, dosh?’ I shook my head bewildered. ‘Dollars, money you twonk!’

  I was speechless, yet another act of overwhelming generosity on his part. How would I have coped without him or Stacy for that matter?

  ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Nuffin to say mate, can’t have you wandering around over there and not be able to put your hand in your pocket when you need to, hey?’

  ‘Alfie, y’know right now I can’t think of a way I will ever be able
to repay you, for everything.’

  ‘I can,’ he said.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘I’ll come for a holiday, catch up like. Sink a few Buds.’

  ‘Anytime mate, anytime.’

  Chapter 32.

  Waking up on Friday morning I was surprised to see that it was only five am, surprised mainly because I had still been awake at two am mulling over the potential ways the day might unfold.

  How would Stacy react? Would she even be there? How would I react to her if she was stand offish, or affectionate, or normal? I simply did not know and if I could not predict my own behaviour how on earth could I expect to anticipate the response of a woman who perpetually confused, aggravated and impressed me without even trying?

  By six am I was up showered and dressed ready for my day. I ate breakfast in my room and at one point considered visiting Alfie to pass some time. However right then I needed to keep a clear and calm head if I was to successfully navigate my way through this, my last day. Once the day was over I could move on and begin again, in America if all went well next week, another Alfie-ism would not have helped at the moment I decided.

  I took a long leisurely stroll to what I now considered to be work, the realisation of this made me chuckle to myself. It was hardly work, had I not told myself all along that this was only temporary? I had been right and I needed to keep that fact in the forefront of my mind as it would give me perspective I concluded.

  Reaching the centre very early I sat outside and considered how its pleasant aesthetics were very much in contrast to the grimy buildings around it. So much had changed; so much was still changing since I first walked in through the doors a few weeks ago. My gaze drifted to the windows of the upstairs flat, I would need to arrange for my belongings to be collected. I was sure I could do this from America and have them shipped over to me, had Hank mentioned a relocation allowance? I could not remember but it gave me something else to ask at interview.

  I knew there was an on campus apartment thrown into the deal and if it was anywhere close to being as nice as the flat above the centre I would be extremely happy. The echoing rattle of Dolly’s approach brought me back from my day dreaming, suddenly I was anxious, nervous even and on impulse I hid around the corner.

  What was I doing? This was stupid, I still did not move though, well maybe I should give her a chance to get settled and then see how things were and this would avoid the risk of an awkward or even embarrassing situation where we were alone in close proximity.

  Hearing the alarm beep then go silent indicated she was in, I still didn’t move until I saw Paul arrive, followed by Yu. I felt that there were enough people inside now to be able to avoid any unpleasantness, keep your focus, get through today I told myself. Just deal with whatever nonsense she might display and go to America.

  ‘Morning,’ she said in a tone that sounded exactly like the one she used every morning.

  ‘Hi, you ok?’

  ‘Yep, you?’

  This was not what I was expecting; it was as if Tuesday’s kiss had not happened. Maybe I had simply read too much into it? Perhaps she was simply being affectionate and wishing me well? These thoughts brought out conflicting emotions in me, initially it was relief that there was nothing to worry about and that everything was going to be ok, all would go on as planned. Underneath this though was a sense of something I could not quite identify, I put it aside mentally, it did not matter.

  ‘Interviewing then, you sorted for it?’

  ‘Yeah, no problem.’

  ‘Cool ,’ she said as she gave me a mug of builders tea then flashed me a dazzling smile, ‘I’ll give you a shout in a bit,’ she added as she left the room.

  Was that it? I had spent four days worrying about this, about her, about us, and that was it? I realised my underlying feeling had been one of disappointment; I was disappointed that she had not been more affected by events, as affected as I had been.

  ‘Full English?’ Yu asked.

  ‘Err yeah, thanks Yu.’ I was not at all hungry but found myself absentmindedly agreeing to a second breakfast.

  Feeling bloated I sat in my class room and looked around, I had only been here a very short time but still considered it mine, Stacy came in and sat opposite me.

  ‘You ok?’ she asked.

  ‘Fat,’ I said.

  She screwed her face up for a second as she considered my slightly flippant response, ‘Can you dance though?’

  She was better at this than I was as now it was my turn to have to try and work out the relevance of her statement, I could not do it so simply said ‘No.’

  ‘Well that’s becoming a male stripper out then.’ This was said with a deadpan expression and it took me a few seconds to realise it was a joke. We both laughed, the past week and a half had been so emotionally charged that it was very nice to be sharing a relaxed moment with her. God I was going to miss her.

  Once we had calmed down she said, ‘Ok we have two candidates.’

  ‘I thought it was four?’

  ‘It was until two of em worked out the pro rata salary for three days.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Anyway we have Matt and Stuart, I have printed some questions and we have to ask em the same ones for equality.’

  ‘Yeah, that’s right.’ I said.

  ‘You done this before?’

  ‘Yeah, quite a bit. You?’

  ‘Nope, first time.’

  An image of Frankie popped into my head unbidden but I elected to leave it there, bringing all that up again did not seem to be a good idea.

  ‘So what do you reckon?’ she asked after the two interviews.

  ‘Matt.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘He just seemed to know more about the type of subject he would be delivering and the nature of the guys on the course.’

  ‘Stuart has a greater amount of teaching experience, ’she challenged.

  ‘Yeah but…’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well teaching experience and real life experience do not always mean the same thing in my ……experience.’

  She smiled at this, ‘So?’

  ‘These guys will need someone….grounded.’

  ‘Grounded?’

  ‘Yeah, on their level,’ I said warming to my theme.

  ‘Like you were?’

  I paused, ‘No exactly the opposite.’

  She laughed again, ‘Ok, Matt it is. One question though?’

  ‘Hmmm?’

  ‘What are you doing this weekend?’

  Chapter 33.

  No, no, no, don’t do it! I mentally screamed.

  ‘Well I am going to America Monday afternoon, oh yeah I am seeing the guy at the Poly Monday morning. Other than that just killing time,’ I said.

  She considered my response for a moment before she said, ‘You wanna do something with me and Max this weekend?’

  No!

  ‘Like what,’ I asked.

  ‘I was gonna go somewhere in Dolly.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘I dunno, Norfolk? Sussex? Dorset? Devon? Somewhere.’

  ‘My parents are in Devon,’ I said, not really sure why.

  ‘You told em yet?’

  ‘Told them what?’

  ‘Duh! America, ring any bells?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘It’s the big place you’re going to on Monday.’

  ‘No, I meant…’ Her smile stopped me. ‘You’re teasing me.’

  ‘Totally,’ she said grinning. ‘You should tell em.’

  She was right of course, ‘Yeah I guess so.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘So what?’

  ‘A road trip to Devon to surprise the olds?’

  ‘Ok.’

  ‘Let’s do it!’

  How on earth did I get myself into these situations? I reflected as I walked back to my room. The plan was simple enough, she was picking me up in about an hour after I had sorted out my rucksack and then we were heading for Devon to surprise m
y parents. In order to facilitate this plan she had closed the centre at lunch time so we would avoid arriving at a very late hour. She had quickly looked up the camp site my parents were staying at on the internet and had called them to reserve a pitch for Dolly.

  The speed and efficiency with which she was operating would have impressed the CIA, however it caused me to be swept along and left no chance of trying to clarify what, if anything, had gone on between us. That’s for the best I decided, let sleeping dogs lie as they say.

  ‘Have you been to this site before?’ she asked as we trundled along the M4.

  ‘No, usually I see them at Christmas and they have rented a cottage.’

  ‘Right,’ she was trying to suppress a smile.

  ‘What?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh, nothing. I am excited about seeing your dad’s camper that’s all.’

  The camper, I had forgotten about how she had been interested in that. Was that what all this was about, my dad’s car? Not me? A small amount of resentment surfaced inside me.

  ‘Right music time! What you reckon buddy?’ she asked Max.

  ‘Rock and Roll!’ he shouted. He was sitting in his car seat behind us wearing an enormous pair of sunglasses which had the effect of making him look like some kind of huge insect. She pressed a button on the dashboard mounted stereo and a wave of sound hit me.

  ‘What on earth is this?’ I had to shout.

  ‘This is Bon Jovi baby!’ she shouted back.

  Whoever Mr Jovi was he was singing something about living on a prayer, pretty apt I felt. Several hours and numerous traffic jams later we arrived at the camp site. It was late and dark by this point and we elected to park up and put the already asleep Max to bed.

  Dolly’s ingenious interior allowed for a bed large enough for two people, to appear as if by magic from the rear seats which was shared by Stacy and Max. I had a bed that was just big enough for me behind the front seats. Settling down to sleep I was surprised to find I felt quite content, I had been trying to suppress my emotional response to Stacy but strangely was quite comfortable with her and Max. Tomorrow I was due to face my parents a daunting prospect at any time but having Stacy with me seemed quite reassuring.

  Her friendship was something I valued I realised; maybe this had been what confused me. We were friends, I did not have crush on her after all, did I?