Break Up to Make Up

by Fiona Harper

  He couldn’t have that, of course. Pushing her now would only solidify her defences further. He was just going to have to be patient. Which wasn’t good news at all.

  The music was pumping, the guests laughing and drinking. All in all, the party was going really well.

  Adele felt the heat of Nick’s arm across her back and the gentle grip of his fingers at her waist. Really well.

  She’d been so busy being angry at Nick for so long, she’d forgotten what good company he was when she wasn’t in a foul mood. He was such fun, and not in an overly loud, extrovert way, but just because he drew you into his laid-back world where it was easy to smile and feel warm inside.

  He’d made her cry with laughter already. The old Adele would have had a grump about smudged mascara, but it didn’t matter tonight. All that mattered was that she and Nick were here together and she saw more than a glimmer of hope for them.

  They were good together. And tonight they were facing the world as a team instead of pulling each other in different directions.

  Nick’s fingers loosened on her waist. She looked up at him.

  ‘Don’t go away. I’ve just got to talk to my “littlest” sister. Mum told me she and Martin are off early tomorrow morning and I don’t want to miss her.’

  She nodded and wandered over to the bar to put her handbag down. Invergarrig’s hotel was small compared to the London hotels where she had business lunches, and the party had taken over almost the entire ground floor, filling the lounge, the bar and the function room, where something with a steady bass beat was playing.

  The only people to have braved the dance floor so far were a couple of Nick’s eight-and nine-year-old nieces, showing off their best moves. But the night was young and, since this was Scotland, the spirits were flowing. Shortly, they’d be joined by somebody’s uncle doing his best John Travolta impression and little by little the floor would fill.

  Adele leaned across and asked the barmaid for a refill. As she waited for the girl to uncork a new bottle of wine, she scanned the room. Nick was in the doorway that led to the function room, lit now red, then purple, then gold.

  He was deep in conversation with his sister Sarah. He was closest to Sarah out of all of his sisters, there being only a couple of years between them. Nick reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a fat envelope and handed it to Sarah. Her eyes grew wide and her hand flew up to cover her mouth.

  Then she prised a corner open with trembling fingers. Whatever it was that was inside prompted a flow of tears. Sarah flung both her arms round her brother’s neck and squeezed for what seemed like five minutes. Nick just clung right back, an oddly sober expression on his face.

  Eventually, though, he whispered something in her ear and they broke apart. He was chuckling and she was smiling through her tears. That was Nick’s gift—saying just the right thing to break the tension when the atmosphere got too tense.

  She felt her heart grow and swell as he walked back over to her, not taking his eyes off her for a second. Her husband was a wonderful man. Why had she forgotten that? Why had she let the doubts and criticisms cloud that truth?

  Self-protection.

  That was the only answer she was able to come up with. Although why she’d been so sure she needed protecting from Nick was getting harder to recall.

  ‘Put that glass down and come and strut your funky stuff with me, Mrs Hughes.’

  She shook her head, but let him drag her towards the blaring PA system anyway. Just as she’d predicted, it was starting to get crowded in there as the DJ strung together some of his best floor-fillers.

  Although the song they danced to was up-tempo, Nick managed to keep contact the whole time. He didn’t crowd her or do the daft stunts and dips some of the other men were doing just to prove they weren’t embarrassed to be up there and dancing with their wives. He held on to her while letting her move in a way that was natural for her.

  After four more songs, she pleaded for a break to catch her breath, using the excuse her mascara must be halfway down her cheeks, and headed for the Ladies’. When she entered, she found Sarah touching up her make-up. She was looking all puffy and the eyeliner pencil was going in anything but a straight line.

  When she noticed Adele, she quickly pulled a tissue from her bag and dabbed at her eyes.

  ‘Sarah? Are you OK?’

  ‘Yes.’ Sarah’s face crumpled. ‘No.’

  ‘What’s the matter? Was it Nick? Did he say something?’

  Sarah blew her nose and shook her head. ‘No. It’s not Nick. Nick’s been wonderful.’

  This seemed to be the time for some physical contact. Adele looked at Sarah’s hand, wondering whether she should pick it up and pat it.

  ‘Then what is it? What’s got you so upset?’

  They sat down on the upholstered bench opposite the mirrors.

  ‘I had a bit of a row with Martin. Over nothing, really. Something so stupid…’

  ‘Hey. We all do that.’

  Sarah looked shocked. ‘Even you and Nick? You always seem so happy, so…perfect.’

  Adele gave a wry smile.

  Sarah sniffed. ‘We’ve been under a lot of stress recently. We’ve just had our second cycle of IVF treatment.’

  That explained why Sarah was the only one of Nick’s sisters not to have added to the copious amounts of grandchildren yet.

  Adele raised her brows and Sarah shook her head, unable to speak for a few seconds, then she gulped down a big breath and continued. ‘I just seem to be angry with him all the time. Everything he does drives me nuts.’ She shook her head. ‘Really, I’m just angry full stop. It’s not Martin at all. It’s just the whole thing seems so…unfair! Does that sound really awful?’

  Adele shook her head, not trusting her own voice at that moment.

  ‘My best friend just got pregnant—and she’s only been seeing the guy for a few months. She’s not even sure if she wants it. How is that fair when I want it more…?’ The end of Sarah’s sentence was drowned out by the sobs she’d been trying to hold back breaking through.

  Adele didn’t need any prompting this time. She gathered Sarah into a hug and held her tight. She knew how crushing that disappointment was every month when all the temperature-taking and ovulation-predicting had been a big, fat waste of time. How much worse must it have been for Sarah, with all those injections and all her hopes riding on just one try?

  Sarah’s breathing evened out and she pulled away. ‘Hey, don’t you start!’

  Adele used the heel of her hand to swipe away the tears.

  ‘Even my stupid cat is pregnant!’ Sarah said, managing a damp smile.

  They both sniffed and giggled and had another hug.

  ‘So, enough of my woes. How are you and Nick?’

  The word great was hanging on Adele’s lips. She even started to form the right shape with her tongue.

  ‘Not great, actually.’

  Sarah’s eyes practically popped out of her head.

  ‘But tonight, you look so…You two always look so…’

  ‘Appearances can be deceptive. Actually, Nick and I had been trying for a baby too.’

  Sarah squeezed her hand. ‘How long?’

  ‘We tried for almost a year.’

  ‘And…nothing?’

  Adele bit her lip. She hadn’t had to say the words out loud to anyone yet. Mona had been there; she hadn’t had to have it spelled out. But Sarah knew something of the pain she’d faced and the temptation to tell her, knowing she wouldn’t be judged, was overwhelming.

  A rush of heat hit the backs of her eyes and her lip quivered.

  ‘I had a…’ The tears began to drop off her cheeks at an alarming rate, setting up a steady plop, plop, plop on the clutch bag resting on her lap. ‘A miscarriage,’ she almost whispered.

  She heard Sarah gasp and felt her warm hand on her back, stroking, soothing.

  There wasn’t anything either of them could say and she was glad Sarah didn’t even try. Well-meanin
g platitudes were her worst fear, one of the reasons she hadn’t owned up to it at work.

  When the worst of the tears were over, Sarah offered her a clean tissue from her handbag. Adele took it gratefully.

  ‘Nick must have been devastated,’ Sarah said, popping the fastener on her bag.

  Adele’s stomach bottomed out.

  Sarah shook her head. ‘It must have hit him really hard,’ she mused, ‘for him not to tell any of us. That’s so not like him. And it makes what he did this evening even more special.’

  ‘How so?’ Adele knew she was fishing, but she just couldn’t stop herself. Anything to veer the conversation onto a different course and off Nick’s knowledge of her miscarriage.

  Sarah patted her bag. ‘Well, I guess you know for yourself how much this kind of thing can put a strain on a relationship. One of the reasons Martin and I have been so stressed is that we’ve used up all our savings. Try number two was our last attempt. Nick suddenly presenting us with the cash for another try was like a miracle.’

  She laughed and her red-rimmed eyes shone. ‘He said he couldn’t think of a better way to spend some of his first obscenely big pay cheque. You’ve got one hell of a man there, you know.’

  ‘I know.’ Or at least she did now.

  Sarah stood to leave. ‘I suppose I’d better go and find Martin, tell him it’s not the end of the world after all if he forgot to ask for diet tonic for my G and T.’

  A laugh burst unexpectedly out of Adele’s mouth. ‘That’s what the tiff was about?’

  Sarah rolled her eyes. ‘I told you it was stupid.’

  Adele nodded. It was all fitting into place now. Hindsight truly was a wonderful thing. Just like Martin and Sarah, their own unsuccessful attempts to start a family had put their relationship under terrible pressure.

  And instead of supporting each other, they’d both tried to pretend it didn’t matter—he with his jokes, she with her nothing-touches-me routine—but underneath there had been strong currents pulling them apart. She’d been like a violin strung too tight, and all she’d been waiting for was one wrong note to cause it all to snap and warp.

  And that final straw had been Nick’s job offer.

  It had never been about the job itself. Her logical mind had told her ages ago that they’d have found a way to make it work in the end. Hell, troubleshooting was what she did for a living. If she couldn’t have sorted it out, she ought to have given herself the sack.

  She called out to Sarah as her hand was on the door knob to open the door.

  ‘Don’t worry about Martin. Just make sure you go and talk to him, tell him how you’re feeling. Don’t keep it all bottled up.’

  Sarah nodded and disappeared through the door.

  The way she and Nick had done. She hadn’t wanted to let him know how weak she felt. She was a successful businesswoman, ironing out other people’s troubles on a daily basis. It had seemed so pathetic that she hadn’t been able to fulfil the role of a successful mother too.

  She’d always had a sense that somewhere, deep down, she was useless and she’d done her best to make a mockery of that feeling, pushing herself to succeed, never giving in to weakness. But it seemed life was having the last laugh when she couldn’t even do the basic thing her body was designed to do. All the business awards in the world weren’t going to make a blind bit of difference.

  But it was more than this, more than the stress of trying for a child, more than the one secret she was keeping from Nick. She’d never been very good at communicating her needs to him.

  And now she had something really important to tell him. Something that shouldn’t have been swept under the carpet all these months.

  She was going to tell Nick the truth, not the Adele-sanitised version of the truth, but the whole truth, mistakes and inadequacies and fears included. If she didn’t, the secret would fester until it ate her marriage alive from the inside out.

  She walked back to the mirror and pulled her mascara out of her bag. Just on the point of applying the wand to her lashes, she stopped, put it away and pulled a tissue out of the box on the counter.

  Carefully she wiped away the grey tear-trails, and even her lipstick, and then she straightened, looked herself sternly in the eyes and walked from the room.

  Nick had just managed to extricate himself from the clutches of Great-Aunt Phyllis when he felt a tap on his shoulder. No! If he had one more kiss that smelled of Germoline…

  ‘Just wanted to say thanks again, little brother.’ Sarah waved her handbag at him. ‘You don’t know what this means to us…well, I suppose you do in some way. Anyway, it just feels as if a great weight has been lifted off us.’

  She turned to smile at Martin as he joined her and planted a kiss on top of her head.

  ‘No, I can only imagine what it must be like, but that’s what family is for, right? Your pain is my pain…’

  Sarah looked as if she was going to blub all over again. ‘Come here,’ she said, opening her arms wide.

  Nick walked into the hug and gave her a squeeze.

  ‘Don’t forget you can talk to me any time if you need to—about…anything.’

  He drew away, puzzled. ‘Sure.’

  He smiled after his sister and brother-in-law as they walked away, arm in arm. He hadn’t seen them looking so relaxed together for ages. And then he spotted Adele, standing across the room, staring at him, her handbag clutched to her front in a protective gesture.

  She looked different, softer somehow.

  He smiled and she softened further, and suddenly he had the feeling everything was going to be all right. He didn’t know why, just that somehow they were over a hurdle.

  He walked across to her, tucked her handbag somewhere safe and led her back onto the dance floor. ‘Now, where were we?’

  She glided into his arms as if she belonged there. The music was softer now, slower, and she rested her head on his shoulder, saying nothing. They swayed gently together for ages. He lost count of the number of songs that drifted past. It was as if they were soaking each other up, making up for all the lost months.

  He pulled away to look at her. She stared back at him, not smiling, not frowning. There was something new in her eyes and, although she looked weary, as if she’d given up fighting him, he began to get excited.

  The shutters were finally gone. He felt as if he could see deep inside her, down into the core that had always been bolted and barred until now.

  He lowered his head and the kiss they shared was sweeter and deeper and more toe-curlingly fantastic than any other they’d had together. They seemed to be saying hello and, in a strange way, goodbye. Whatever the difference was, it was magical.

  When the kiss finished, they stayed forehead to forehead, still swaying gently to a song neither of them heard. And as the DJ began to put some livelier tracks on again, Adele whispered in his ear.

  ‘Nick, I’ve got something important to tell you. I need to explain.’

  ‘Explain what?’ Who needed explanations? He rubbed his cheek against her silky hair. Where they were right now seemed just fine, thanks.

  She took a deep breath. ‘Something…everything.’

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  THEY walked up the stone spiral staircase to their room in silence. Nick grabbed her hand as it swung by her side, even though she was a step or two ahead of him. Somehow the feel of his hand was comforting. And right now she needed comfort. This was the most terrifying thing she’d ever done.

  The spiral staircase seemed to go on for ever. She wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing. Her heart was beating so loudly she thought it might rival the muffled bass beat drifting up from the dance floor.

  When they reached their room, Adele turned on the lamps on the bedside tables rather than the overhead light. The soft glow was cocoon-like and she felt less exposed than she would have been by the cheerful brightness of the fixture in the centre of the ceiling.

  She sat on the end of the bed and folded h
er hands in her lap.

  Just remember how brilliant he was all those months the pregnancy test came up negative, she reminded herself. It’ll be fine. Really it will.

  Nick joined her and she swivelled to face him slightly. ‘Nick…’

  That was as much as she had prepared. Normally, she’d have spent days running an important conversation through in her head before she actually piped up. The first sentence was crucial. Once the first words were out, the rest just came tumbling afterwards. Of course, the conversation hardly ever went exactly as the dress rehearsals in her head, but that didn’t matter. She’d been prepared, in control.

  But tonight there had been no time and Nick had all the power. The future of their marriage rested on how he responded to her revelation. That sounded pretty dramatic, but that was how she felt.

  He took her hands and looked into her eyes. The expression of empathy and concern on his face just made the knot in her tongue bigger.

  ‘Adele, you can tell me anything. You know that. You can trust me.’

  She nodded, her answering smile a thin line.

  ‘In the car…earlier…you said you wanted to know why I wouldn’t speak to you after you left.’

  She looked in his eyes for reassurance before she continued and found it there.

  ‘Well, you were right, at first I was sulking, but then there was a different reason.’

  Nick’s forehead wrinkled slightly, but his expression said it was still safe to continue.

  ‘I don’t know if you remember after all these months, but we only had a few days to go until I could take the next pregnancy test.’

  He drew her to him and held her in his arms. ‘I should have thought. You had to deal with that negative result all on your own. And I didn’t even ask…’

  She shook her head against his chest. ‘No.’

  He took her face in his hands and tipped her face up towards his. ‘Forgive me? I was an insensitive—’