Love's Secret Torment

by Stacy L. Darnell

  Sam squeezed my hand and looked up at me, and I could see a similar sadness in her watery eyes. I feared this was going to be much harder than expected. I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye to my little brother, and I knew then, that I never would be.

  After grabbing our bags, we walked outside and hailed a cab to take us to the cottage I’d reserved. As Sam and I sat in the back, she kept her fingers laced through mine and peeked up at me periodically. It felt good to be together again. I began to feel whole.

  Those couple weeks after our fight were even worse than when we realized her ex was my little brother, because I thought we were truly over, that there was no hope of us overcoming Alec’s death and being together again. I cursed fate for ruining our lives and for making my brother and I fall in love with the same girl, no matter how innocently it had happened. But most of all, I cursed fate for taking Alec from us.

  As we settled in the cottage, I began to think about the Toro Nagashi and what I wanted to say to Alec in my messages on the lantern. Sam and I both agreed to keep our last memories confidential, and not talk about what we would write. Each would be private, something we could at last share with him to say our final goodbyes.

  I’d written mine in a notebook and was ready to put them on Alec’s lantern, messages of how much I loved him and how sorry I was for the way things had turned out, and for what I’d said the last time I saw him. I promised to take care of Sam, and spend the rest of my life making her feel loved and cherished. I wished him peace, and told him he would always be my little brother, and that I would always love him.

  When Sam walked around the corner and came into the sitting room, she had a white sundress on, and looked like my very own angel. Her beauty stopped my breath, and I felt compelled to hold her, touch her, and feel her in my arms. I stood and hugged her close, her body melted into mine. Taking a deep breath, I could smell her flowery shampoo and it made me smile. Who would have ever thought that such a thing could make me so happy? But it did, and I loved it.

  “Peach, let’s talk a minute.”

  “All right,” she said, looking up at me.

  We sat down on the couch.

  “I’m sorry I tried to push you into us living together. I understand now that you weren’t ready, and that’s okay. Can we just agree to take things day-to-day until we’re both comfortable with where we are?”

  “Yes. I want that, too. I love you so much, Emmett, and I’m sorry I blew up at you. I was afraid to admit I wanted the same things, because I was having so many mixed feelings . . . and the guilt of Alec being gone while we were still alive—playing house—It was too much, too soon. When you said you wanted to live together, it was hard to accept we were moving on without him,” she smiled softly.

  “Peach, I know this is going to be an emotional trip for both of us, but I also think Alec would want us to witness the beauty of this place, as well. Where I had expected constant anxiety, I now feel at peace about this trip. It’s much better than I had thought it would be. I know we’ve waited a long time to say our goodbyes. It’s been a burden on both of us, dreading and knowing that, eventually, the day would come, but needing that closure at the same time. I hope and believe we’ll find the peace we need.”

  She looked relieved and sank back against my chest. “Thank you. That’s exactly what I needed to hear. I’m so happy to be here, happier than I thought I’d be. You’re right. I do have a kind of relief. This trip was the best idea, and I’m so relieved about coming.”

  “Let’s go for that walk.”

  We walked along the beach and down to a few shops. Sam found quite a lot of supplies and was excited about what she was going to make. I could practically see the ideas flowing through her mind. Once again, it felt like she was cleansing my black soul. How I was ever lucky enough to have her in my life, I’ll never know, but I’d spend the rest of it trying to show her just how happy she made me.

  It was finally the day, the day to celebrate Alec’s life and to say our goodbyes. We’d gotten the things we needed to make our floating lantern and had written our messages to him on the panels. It felt cathartic to say all the things I’d been thinking, how I would always love and remember him, how sorry I was for being selfish, but he deserved to know how I felt about Emmett, that telling him had been the right thing to do in order for us all to move forward, how I hoped he’d be happy Emmett and I had found each other again, how I was sorry if he felt betrayed in his last moments, and that I wished him nothing but peace.

  With tiki torches lighting our path to the beach, we headed down to the water and lit our candles in the lantern. The sun was setting in orange and red hues. Emmett’s messages were on the opposite side of mine, and it was as if we wrapped Alec’s lantern in a cocoon of our love. That, in and of itself, was truly peaceful.

  Emmett and I held hands and kissed the top of the lantern before setting it into the water. Just the feel of his hand in mine gave me the strength I needed to say goodbye. Setting it afloat, we watched Alec’s lantern leave the shore, it was beautiful and serene. We watched until we couldn’t see it anymore.

  We spent that night on the beach and slept under the stars, cuddled in one another’s arms, cherishing that we still had each other, and had overcome the odds against us. After all that time, finally saying our goodbyes had lifted a tremendous weight from our souls, and we at last felt a measure of peace.

  We spent the rest of our trip playing on the beach and swimming in the ocean. We snorkeled in the reefs and saw all the beautiful, amazing fish and corals. Their colors were vivid. I loved the sea turtles. They were majestic and graceful old souls.

  I couldn’t stop myself from peeking up at Emmett’s sexy body as he swam ahead of me. The way his muscles flexed made me hunger for him. He would catch me looking, and the cutest smirk would cross his face. I knew he was thinking the same as I was. It was a good thing we were of like minds, as our nights grew hotter and steamier.

  Emmett longed to surf, so I read in the sun while he rode the waves. It wasn’t something on my bucket list, but I enjoyed watching him from afar. Sometimes he would catch one just right and smile all the way in, filling me with pride and joy. That night after dinner, we returned to the beach and splashed each other like children, running through the water. I tackled him, and we ended up in a heated kiss as I lay across his chest, and the warm waves flowed around us like a scene out of From Here to Eternity.

  It was surreal being there in Emmett’s arms. I vowed to myself, never to push him away again. What we had was real and special, and for the first time since finding out that Emmett and Alec were brothers, I finally felt peace about us being together. I knew I could move forward with him, and felt ready to take that next step.

  “Emmett, I want to tell you something.”

  He tensed, staring into my eyes. “What is it, Peach?”

  I snuggled into his chest and smiled up at him as the waves washed up from the shoreline. “I’m ready for us to spend more time together. I missed you so badly following our fight, and after being here together, I know I can’t go back to the way it was without you. It would break me. I love you so much. Let’s try again.”

  He smiled the biggest smile I’d ever seen. “That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time, Peach. I love you too, more than I’ll ever be able to show you, but I’ll damn well try.”

  “Hey, Riley. Come on in. The beer’s in the fridge,” I said.

  “What’s up, Emmett? Haven’t seen you since you got back from Hawaii. How’d it go? That floating lantern thing sounded like a cool idea,” Riley said, leaning against the counter with the beer in his hand.

  “It was unreal. I mean, my little brother, man. I just, God . . . sometimes it’s hard to believe it’s true, but then setting Alec’s lantern afloat made it so damn real. I didn’t think anything could hurt as bad as when I stood in the hallway in that hospital and realized it was him, lying underneath that sheet. But I was wrong, Riley. So damn wrong. Sam was great though. Th
e service was amazing. She found this song to play while we said our goodbyes, ‘In Loving Memory’ by Alter Bridge. Play it sometime, man, and just listen to the words.”

  “Yeah, I’ll Google it.”

  “It was perfect. It felt like he was there with us. It was the most peaceful I’ve felt in a long time. I just couldn’t get our last words out of my mind. But now I feel better about Alec, and I think everything will be okay.”

  Riley took a swig of his beer and stretched out on my couch. “Oh, man, I know it’s been hard for you. At least you and Sam are finally together again and working things out. Y’all are the real deal, ya know. You two have that whole soul-mate shit going on. Everyone can see it.”

  “Listen, man, I know this is going to make me sound like a girl, but I don’t care. I’m so damn excited. I thought of the best gift for Sam.”

  “What—” Riley began.

  “I was planning to tell Peach about Alec’s engagement ring while we were in Hawaii, but the time never felt right. She’s never seen it. I thought it would be too hard for her. I’m taking it to a jeweler in the morning to have the diamond set in an infinity symbol pendant. I hope giving it to her in this form will make it easier to accept. It won’t be such a blow, like seeing the actual engagement ring he’d picked out for her.

  “Yeah, man, that’s—”

  “I know what you’re thinking, and that’s fine dude. I don’t care. I am so damn happy and in love. Someday, Riley, you just wait and see. You’ll be in love and know exactly what I’m talking about.”

  “Dude, you are a girl! I tried like two different times to say how fucking cool I thought that was, but you just kept going on and on and on. I couldn’t have gotten a word in even if I was using a damn megaphone! And Emmett, dude. I know already, man. Alison is it for me. I am so in love with that girl, she makes me feel all sorts of weird happy shit. Sometimes, I worry about my manliness, but I chalk it up to being in love, and I feel better again.”

  I laughed at Riley, but was happy for my friend. I always knew if anyone could calm that boy down it would be Alison, and she’d done a damn good job.

  “So, Ry, Sam and I are going to take our relationship to the next level. I’m just waiting for her to get home from seeing Alison and Tamron. She gave them the bracelets she made.”

  A knock sounded on my door. Riley answered it and let Marchello, Alec’s old housemate, in. He had an old-style storage chest with him and looked a haggard mess.

  “What’s up, Marchello, are you all right, man?” I asked.

  “Hey, Emmett, Riley. Uh, no, man. I got something you need to see. I don’t know if you should show Sam, too, but I think you need to see it and figured, when you were ready, you could call her.”

  “Okay, what is it?”

  “I think we finally have the answers to Alec’s behavior. I was going through the attic at our place and found this old storage chest, so I opened it up, figuring it was Alec’s. It has some stuff in it and a bunch of letters he wrote to your mom. I don’t know, maybe, like . . . a way of writing things down in a journal or something, but . . . not. Anyway, you need to read these letters. Then I think you need to call Sam and let her read them, too,” he finished as he dropped down onto my couch.

  I sat down next to him and stared at the old chest. It was one he’d had when we were kids. My hands felt heavy as I reached forward to flip open the latch on the front. I held my breath, and I pulled his precious items out, and then set them on the coffee table.

  There was the miniature dolphin water globe he’d gotten when he was eight years old on our family trip to Panama City Beach. I turned it upside down and watched as the glitter floated around the two dolphins. Remembering when he’d seen it in the gift shop, and the pure look of wonder on his face.

  After setting it back on the table, I picked up his Swiss army knife that Dad gave him when he’d turned thirteen. It matched the one Dad had given me. With a shaky hand, I set it back down and picked up the stack of folded letters.

  I read them, and as I took in his tear-stained words, my heart died. I needed a drink, so I poured two fingers of whiskey into a glass and sat down on my couch. We now had the answers to Alec’s strange and cruel behavior toward Sam. Marchello was right. I had to call her. She had to know.

  She came over, and after Riley and Marchello left, we sat down and read Alec’s letters to my mom together. I held her hand and stroked her back as the tears flowed down both of our faces.

  Alec’s letters:

  Her hands shook as she sat gripping Alec’s letters tightly. “Oh Emmett,” she sobbed as I took Alec’s letters, and set them back into his storage chest. She curled into my arms, and I held her tight.

  “I know, Peach . . . I know.” I ran my hand up and down her back and kissed the top of her head.

  “We have to look at these letters for what they are, an answer to a lot of our unanswered questions. We can’t move forward if we dwell on our guilt. We still didn’t do anything wrong, but now we know why Alec did and said things he did. Thankfully, we finally have answers, and now, some closure.”

  Sam and I held each other for hours while she had fits of crying, and when she finally fell asleep that night, I carried her to the bed and let her rest. The next morning when I woke up, I just lay there and watched her sleep. She was so peaceful. I couldn’t bear the thought of seeing that brokenness on her face again when she woke up, so I stayed silent and let her sleep for as long as possible.

  As she lay there sleeping, I found myself thinking about Alec’s letters. I couldn’t believe he’d gone through all of that alone. Why didn’t he tell me about it?

  The next day, while Sam was having lunch and another spa day with her sister, Tricia, I called Aunt Robin, and she said she’d never heard anything from Alec about his condition. Since he was already eighteen before the date of the first letter, we guessed he decided he should go to the doctor on his own.

  I read the letters to her over the phone so she could understand what had happened to him, as well. But somehow, reading his words out loud and saying it made it so much more real to me.

  I broke down, and Aunt Robin and I cried together on the phone.

  “I wish I could’ve taken Alec’s letters over to your house. We could have read them together in person.”

  “Sweetie, do you want me to come home?”

  “No. It’s fine. Y’all saved a long time for this trip. It’s not like you can go back anytime soon.”

  “Really, it’s okay. Kent and I can cut the trip short. We only extended because he had work over here, and I thought I’d stay a while since he had a hotel and had to be here anyway.”

  “Nah, stay and have some fun. There’s no use in both of us sitting here grieving. We both need to focus on the positive things in life.”

  “All right. If you change your mind, just call, and I’ll be on the first flight back to the states.”

  “Thanks, Aunt Robin.”

  “Anytime. So how was the trip to Hawaii? Was the Toro Nagashi ceremony nice?”

  “It couldn’t have been more perfect. It was peaceful. Sometimes I feel like shit for thinking this, but it felt good to say goodbye to him.”

  “No, don’t feel bad, Emmett. It’s a natural part of grieving. So, are you and Sam back together? How is she holding up?”

  “Yeah, we’re back together. Gonna see how it goes. I found an engagement ring in Alec’s jacket from his hospital belongings.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “Yup.”

  “Did you tell Sam about it?”

  “No. It would’ve upset her too much. But I’ll tell her eventually. I had the diamond set in an infinity pendant for her, so she can always remember him.”

  “That’s an amazingly thoughtful gift. She’s lucky to have you.”

  “It’s me who’s lucky to have her.”

  “I’m sure she’ll cherish it.”

  “Thanks. I gotta go. She’s waking up, and I want to have coffee on before sh
e gets out of the shower. I love you, Aunt Robin.”

  “I love you, too, sweetie.”

  When Sam woke up, we had breakfast. Even though she said she was ready to take our relationship to the next level, I was nervous about even bringing the subject of living together up. I decided to look through the apartment rentals on an Auburn apartment guide site just in case she said yes, and saved a few ads for us to call on and set appointments to look at. I felt it was finally time for us to move in together.

  A week had gone by, and I picked up Sam’s pendant from the jeweler. I turned on the Keurig and started toasting a couple English muffins while she was in the shower. I could hardly wait for us to get through with breakfast so I could give it to her. She walked into the kitchen dressed in a pair of jeans and one of her baby doll shirts and was the prettiest girl I’d ever seen. She joined me at the breakfast bar and wrapped her arms around me, hugging me tight. Our bodies melted together. I leaned down and kissed her. I couldn’t resist. With a passion that quickly heated, I picked her up, carried her back to her bedroom, and made love to her.

  “Hmmm, that was the best breakfast detour I’ve ever had.” She giggled, batting my hand away from her thigh when I reached for her again.

  I laughed. “I’m hungry,” I told her. “And now our English muffins are going to be cold.”

  We got dressed . . . again . . . and walked back to the kitchen. She took the English muffins and sprinkled a little water on each one then popped them in the microwave for five seconds. They were just as if I’d taken them out of the toaster. After we finished eating, I decided I couldn’t wait any longer.

  “Peach, I have something for you.”

  She looked up at me from the table with a coy smile. “What is it?”

  “Please, come here and sit with me on the couch, so I can show you.”

  Once settled, I took her hand in mine, set the long velvet box in her palm, and let her open it.