Love's Secret Torment

by Stacy L. Darnell

  “Oh my God. Emmett, please. No. You’ll devastate her.”

  “Look, it’s what I have to do. I don’t expect you or anyone else to understand, but I need to do it for me . . . and for her. It’ll be better this way, and maybe, if I ever remember her, and she’s still interested, then—maybe we can get back together. I’m gonna tell her tonight while she’s here with everyone. I think it may be easier having all of your support. Then I’ll see if John can drive me back to the apartment.”

  “Oh fucking hell.” She threw her hands up. “This is going to be a clusterfuck of epic proportions, Emmett,” Tamron said as she walked out the back door.

  I noticed Tamron walk back outside a few minutes after Emmett went in, probably for more whiskey. Her expression was grim, and she avoided my eyes. That wasn’t like her at all, and it left an uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

  I suddenly felt like I wanted to run far away. I couldn’t shake it and began to feel overwhelming grief. When Emmett walked back outside, he wasn’t carrying whiskey. He wasn’t carrying anything. It was like staring into a great void, looking at him as he walked toward us by the fire.

  I caught Tamron watching me as she slipped her phone into her pocket. Emmett slumped down in one of the chairs opposite me. My peripheral vision picked up on Alison checking her phone, and I glanced over as her expression went from wide-eyed to gloomy.

  Everyone grew silent as Emmett cleared his throat. I sat up and hugged my knees to my chest, afraid of what he was about to say. Panic started to fill my chest.

  “Uh, I need to talk to Sam, but I don’t want her to be alone now or when I am done, so I’m going to do it here. It’s not as if you won’t all know soon enough, and y’all know everything that’s going on now anyway.”

  I kept hearing the word no . . . no, no, no, no, no, and I realized it was me, repeating the words like a mantra. I looked around at the pity on all of my friends’ faces, but it was Emmett’s expression of regret that broke me.

  “Sam, I need to leave,” he said.

  “Okay,” I squeaked. “If you’re tired we can go home.”

  “No, it’s not that. Please, listen to me. My memories of you aren’t coming back, and every night, I dream of Alec. I drink to numb the pain of each of those. I just need some time and space to clear my head. That’s all.”

  I sat there, staring at the fire while he spoke. The flames seemed to be choreographed with the words he was saying . . . mocking me in their flickering dance. It only amplified the pain that I felt.

  “I don’t think I’ll ever be okay if I don’t get off the whiskey and face things. But I can’t do that while living with you. I feel guilty every time I see your sad face. It tears me up that I am the cause. I wish there was another way, but I just have to go.”

  When he finished talking, I finally looked away from the fire and saw pain and regret in his eyes.

  “I’m so sorry, Sam. Deeply and truly. I hope you’ll be okay, and realize that this is for the best. I need a fresh start . . . to figure out this mess.”

  “A fresh start,” I repeated on a choked sob.

  It was Alec’s words coming back to me all over again, only this time, from my Emmett. I rested my head in my hands.

  “Just go,” I murmured.

  “John, can you drive me so I can get my things from the apartment?”

  Emmett looked at me for a long moment, his brow furrowed in sadness, then turned around and walked back into the house. John got up and followed him inside, not even looking in my direction. A few minutes later, I heard two car doors shut and the engine start. Tears streamed down my face as they drove away.

  “Sam . . .” Alison began.

  “I’m just going inside to lie down. I’m really tired, and want to be alone,” I said, holding up my hand in Tamron and Alison’s direction.

  I stood up, walked into the house, and set my drink on the counter in the kitchen as I passed. Climbing the stairs one step at a time, I repeated Emmett’s words over and over in my head. The only room that wasn’t occupied was Emmett’s old room. Fantastic. My only solace away from everyone, was going to be filled with memories that would once have given me happy smiles, and content thoughts. Now I knew it would only bring me a deep pain that I would feel in my soul.

  I went to the bathroom and washed the tears from my face even as new ones continued to flow down my splotchy red cheeks. When I lay down on Emmett’s old bed, I hugged his pillow to my chest and lost myself to my sobs.

  “Well, that came out of nowhere,” John said.

  “Yeah well, I’ve been thinking about it for a few days,” I replied.

  “You could have given me a heads up, man. You broke Sam’s heart back there, and I get you’re a mess, but for fuck’s sake, Emmett, was that really the right way to do it?”

  “I don’t think there was a right way to do that, no matter the scenario. At least this way, she’s not alone. She’s with friends who clearly love her. It was the best solution I could think of,” I said.

  “If you say so,” he answered. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re making a big mistake. I’m sorry about the whole thing and that you are going through this, and damn man, I’m sorry about Alec too, but you need to cope with that and get back to your life with her ASAP. She’s not one to let go. She’s one to keep and cherish. One to hold onto and grown old with.”

  “I know,” was all I could say. The rest of the ride back to the apartment was quiet. The only words spoken were John occasionally asking directions.

  My rental car was in the parking lot. I grimaced when I saw it. It made me miss my Camaro. I knew I’d have to start looking for a new car soon. The insurance settlement had come in a few days before, but it wouldn’t compensate for all the hard work Alec, my dad, and I had done restoring my Camaro.

  That damn car had so much sentimental value, and now it was gone, just like they were. I had nothing now. I felt empty as I opened the apartment door with my scratched up key. Clearly, the cut nickel I had on the key ring from Aunt Robin had damaged it. It’d been laser cut with a cross in the center of the nickel, and a ring around the edge from which the chain hung by. Aunt Robin had given Alec and me one after Mom and Dad’s funeral service.

  “Emmett, are you going to be okay, man?” John asked.

  “Yeah, I’ll be all right. I’m going to pack up some clothes and a few things. I’ll just get a hotel room for now.”

  “Do you want me to hang here for a while? You don’t have to be alone.”

  “No, it’s okay. I think I just really need to be alone for a while.”

  “Okay . . . I’m going to leave you to it then, and get back to check on Sam. Knowing her like I do, and wish you still did, she probably bolted for the house as soon as you left. She’s not one for attention and coddling.”

  My brow scrunched down at his last words. “Damn it,” I swore. I thought I was doing her a favor by telling her among our friends. I didn’t want to cause her anymore pain. That was a big part of why I was doing this. “Ok . . . uh, thanks for the ride.”

  “Anytime, man,” he replied. “I’ll try to come by next week. I’ve decided to stay here for a while instead of flying back to Alaska, only to turn around and fly back a few months later for the winter.”

  He walked over to where I was standing and pulled me into one of those awkward guy hugs. “It’s gonna be okay, Emmett. It has to be. Just don’t give up.”

  “Thanks. I hope so. I can’t take much more of this hell.”

  “I know. Listen, call me anytime, okay? I’ll see ya around,” he said as he walked out the door.

  I packed up a few things, fed and watered Gage, then took him for a quick walk. When I came back, I tossed a few dog toys in the middle of the room and made sure to leave out a chew bone so he would have something to do while waiting for Sam to come home.

  I loaded my stuff into the rental car and drove to a hotel five minutes away. It was close to campus and, since I didn’t know how long
I’d be staying, made it easier to get to class.

  My phone beeped with a text from Riley.

  R: Hey man, are you ok?

  Me: Yeah. No. I will be. I don’t fucking know, man.

  R: You want some company? Quinn and I could come by tomorrow.

  Me: Nah, John just asked the same thing. I need to be alone for a while, so I can come to terms with Alec’s death. Then maybe I can remember Sam again.

  R: Ok, man. Just let us know if you change your mind.

  Me: Thanks, Ry

  R: Anytime, man.

  After I checked in and got settled into my hotel room, I sent a text message to Quinn to see how Sam was. I couldn’t stop thinking about her.

  Me: How is she?

  Q: She cried herself to sleep. In your old room.

  Me: Damn. I feel like a jerk.

  Q: Look, Emmett, we’re worried about you. Are you ok?

  Before I could reply my phone beeped again.

  Q: Emmett, this is Tamron, I grabbed Quinn’s phone. Listen, she’ll be ok. Just do what you gotta do and get back with her as soon as you remember again.

  Me: I’m trying.

  I set my phone down on the bedside table and plugged it in to the charger. Then I threw a couple water bottles into the mini fridge. I unpacked my clothes and put my bathroom stuff away. It wasn’t until I sat down and took a long sip of whiskey from the mini bar that I even realized I’d poured it. I decided it wasn’t time yet to cut back. I’d just left Sam and felt emptier than I’d imagined I would feel.

  I knew Alec would be in my dreams again. He always was. The difference now was, I was alone in my grief. I knew Sam missed and mourned Alec too, but, when I was alone, it felt even harder to bear. So I brought the glass to my mouth again and tossed the contents back, relishing in the burn it left behind in my throat.

  Pouring another, I closed my eyes and recalled Sam’s expression when I told her I was leaving. I felt torn, relieved that I wouldn’t have to see her disappointment every time she looked at me, but there was also the part of me that felt like a complete and utter asshole for leaving her.

  I found myself pouring another two fingers of whiskey into my glass and just sat there alone, staring at the amber liquid. I tossed that glass back too, and decided to sleep the day, the night, and the whiskey off. Lying down and closing my eyes, I let my mind drift off to oblivion.

  But that night, unlike so many nights since my accident, I didn’t dream of Alec. Instead, I dreamed of beaches and sunsets with tangled bodies and wide-open black skies with shimmering stars, of laughter and teasing smiles.

  I dreamed of Sam.

  When I woke up the next morning, I went downstairs to get some coffee and saw John sitting at the kitchen island counter.

  “Knew you’d be up for some coffee. I turned the Keurig on already,” he said.

  I smiled over at him. “Thanks, John. I think I have one of those crying headaches. A cup of coffee and glass of water with some ibuprofen is just what I need,” I said as I put my coffee cup under the machine’s dispenser.

  John reached behind him, pulled the bottle of ibuprofen off the counter and slid it across the island to me. “There ya go, Peachy,” he said.

  I winced when he called me Peachy. It used to make me feel good, and I would laugh at the antics between John and Emmett. But that morning, it made me feel empty. I didn’t want John to feel bad, so I just smiled.

  “Thanks, John. So, was he okay . . . when y’all went back to the apartment?”

  “Not really. He seemed very torn about the whole thing. He wasn’t himself. Well, he hasn’t really been himself since the accident, but you know what I mean.”

  “Yeah, I know,” I murmured, taking a sip of my coffee. I grabbed my glass of water, and took the ibuprofen, praying to the crying headache gods to let it pass quickly.

  Tamron walked into the kitchen with Alison closely behind her.

  “You okay, hun?” Alison asked.

  “No. I’m not. But I have to be. We were finally in a good place. Just started living together, and moving ahead with our future. Then this damn accident stole him from me. I’ll never forget what I felt when I realized he’d forgotten that Alec had died, that look on his face when Ms. Kisner told him. It was like experiencing Alec’s death all over again. It hurt my heart to see it. I thought maybe Emmett had recognized Dr. Shaw, because later, when we were home and talking things over, he said there was something very déjà vu about him. But he didn’t, and he should have. He was Alec’s on-call neurologist at the hospital the night he died.”

  I set my cup down and swallowed back the ibuprofen with a drink of ice water.

  “Then I noticed him drinking that damn whiskey in the evenings, and I found out he’d been dreaming about Alec, that he was alive, but out of reach. There were little things he’d do too, and I’d think he was remembering, but he wasn’t. I didn’t know what to do. I thought coming here would help. I guess I was wrong.”

  I could feel the tears filling my eyes. I wiped them away.

  “I have to go. I need to get home for Gage. When I woke up last night, I saw a text from Emmett saying he took care of him and had him set up for the night. But he’ll need to go for a walk, be fed and given fresh water,” I said as I rinsed my coffee cup and poured out the rest of my water.

  “Sam, wait,” Tamron said.

  “Tell me on my way to my car, Tamron. I need to head home while I still feel like I can.”

  “Okay, Sam. Let’s go.”

  We walked outside and I put my things into my car. “What’s up?” I asked her.

  “Umm . . . well, I know now isn’t really the time to say this, but I know you’ll want to know, and I wanted to thank you for your part in talking sense into me the last time y’all were here . . .” she said then halted.

  I motioned for her to continue.

  “Quinn and I are moving in together. We’re going to see how it goes,” she said with a smile that reached her eyes.

  “That’s fantastic!” I squealed. “And you’re welcome, even though I didn’t really do anything.”

  “You and Alison talked sense into me, and that was exactly what I needed,” she said, hugging me.

  “Will you tell Riley and Quinn goodbye for me?” I asked.

  Alison came running outside just then, calling, “Wait! Give me a hug, you brat, and remember we’re here for you . . . always.”

  I hugged Alison and Tamron goodbye and left. When I got home, I saw Emmett’s rental car in his parking spot and my heart leapt. I hurriedly parked my car and went inside. Emmett was just removing Gage’s leash.

  “Umm . . . hi, Sam,” he said awkwardly while patting Gage’s head.

  “Hey,” I replied.

  “I just was stopping by to check on Gage. I didn’t know what time you’d be back. I sent you a text to let you know.”

  “Oh, my battery must have died.” I held up my phone and walked over to plug it into the charger.

  “Thanks. I appreciate it, and I know Gage does, too.”

  “You’re welcome, Sam.”

  “Look, I know it’s not much, but it’s something, and I wanted to let you know and ask you about it, too.”

  I nodded. “Okay.”

  “I didn’t dream of Alec last night. I dreamed of you and beaches.” He told me about his dream, like it was something fictitious.

  “That sounds like our trips to Panama City Beach and Hawaii.”

  “We went to those beaches?” He asked with a shocked expression that hurt like a knife to my heart, because they were memories I cherished deeply.

  “Yes,” I answered. “You took me to Panama City Beach when we were together the first time, before I knew about Alec being your brother. Then we went to Hawaii to say goodbye to Alec and have his memorial service. It was amazing by the way. We both finally found peace there.”

  “Hmm. I didn’t think I would ever go back to Panama City Beach; it’s where my family went when Alec and I were kids. I a
lways thought it would be too painful after our parents died. You know about that right?”

  “Yeah, Alec told me,” I whispered.

  “Oh, okay. I’m sorry. I’m still just trying to wrap my head around the fact that Alec and I have both been with you,” he said.

  I felt sick to my stomach. He now questioned all of these cherished memories—and that we were together at all—because of the relationship I’d had with Alec.

  “It’s okay.” I murmured. “Just take your time. I don’t think we should push your memory anymore. It’s clearly stressing you out, and you were right. It was upsetting me. Do you want to just start today over, maybe go and get some breakfast?”

  “I’d love to, but I really think I should go.”

  “Right, of course. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry. I need to drive over to Atlanta and see Mom and Dad anyway.”

  “All right then, I guess I’ll see you around,” he said.

  “Okay. See you around. Umm, thanks for stopping by for Gage.”

  He nodded then left, and I leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. Gage came over and lay down next to me with his head in my lap.

  “I know, buddy, I know,” I told him, petting his head. “I miss him, too.”

  I drove over to my mom and dad’s house and parked my car in my old spot on the side of the driveway. I felt depressed as I climbed the stairs to the front porch. Opening the screen door and walking through the foyer, I heard my parents talking.

  “No, Vance, I don’t think we should tell her. It’ll just make her feel worse, and he may remember at some point and wouldn’t want her to have found out that way.” Mom’s voice broke.