Songbird

by Josephine Cox

  “This Sue sounds like a nice person.”

  “She is – they all are. Even so, the loneliness is awful. It’s not so bad during the day, but when my work is done and I go back to the cottage, I shut the door behind me and I’m so alone. I can’t stop thinking about you all back home. I want to be with my baby; I need to see you and Grandad. The truth is, even though Brad is a lovely man, and a dear friend, I can’t help but feel isolated.”

  They chatted on, with Maddy asking a myriad questions about life at number 8 Ackerman Street, and even about Nosy Nora next door.

  “Oh, and Raymond rang again.” Ellen was always cautious when mentioning Raymond. “He asked again where you were exactly, but I told him he should send all his messages through me.”

  “Did he understand why? Did you tell him that the fewer people who know, the better?”

  “Yes, and he fully understood.”

  “And did you give him my love, like I said?”

  “I did, and he sends his back. Also, he says you’re not to come back here, until such a time as Drayton might stop looking.”

  “Oh.” Maddy was surprised. “Does Raymond really think he will stop looking, one day?”

  “Well, he reckons that if they search long enough and still don’t find you, Drayton just might turn his mind to other matters. Besides, it’s bound to be costing him an arm and a leg paying for these people to track you down.”

  Maddy fell silent, her mind going back over that night and the words he had uttered as he was taken away. She muttered them now: “Keep looking over your shoulder… wherever you go, I’ll find you.”

  “Maddy?” Ellen’s voice echoed down the receiver. “Maddy, are you still there?”

  “I’m here. Sorry, I was just thinking.”

  “About what?”

  “About what Raymond said… that he might call a halt because it’s costing him money.” There was no doubt in Maddy’s mind; “Raymond is wrong. The cost of tracking me down won’t bother a man like him. It’s a matter of principle, as far as he’s concerned.”

  “But surely he can’t keep a contract out on you forever?”

  Maddy enlightened her. “If he has to, yes. Especially when he’s so sure I blew the whistle on him. That is something he can’t let go. Believe me, Ellen, however much it costs him, and however long it takes, he won’t stop until he finds me. I know him. Alice knew him, too. His enemies know him even better, and they would tell you the same. He is a man feared by many people, and for good reason. He’s never been known to issue a threat, and not see it through. It’s a pride thing – a show of power to keep the troops in order. No, Ellen, trust me. That bastard will never let it rest.”

  There was a moment of silence at each end, as the two of them contemplated Maddy’s foreboding words.

  In a quiet, shaking voice, Ellen broke the silence. “Maddy, from what you’ve just told me, you must realize, you can never come back here. We have to find another way. We have to try and outwit both him, and his cronies. Let them scour this area all they like but it’s only a matter of time before they realize you’re not here any more. That’s when they might look elsewhere – so when their guard is down, we’ll make our move. We’ll keep them foxed if we can.”

  “All right, Ellen.” Maddy gave a deep, heartbroken sigh. “Meantime, please… be careful. Look, I’d better go. I’m in the phone box on the village green, and there’s someone waiting to use it.”

  They said their goodbyes and for a long time, Ellen remained by the phone as the baby gurgled at her feet. It made her heart sore to think that Maddy might one day take him away from her.

  The more she thought on it, the more panic-stricken she became.

  With all the tenderness of a mother, she gathered the sleepy baby into her arms and began to quietly rock him, removing his bib and wiping his sticky hands with it. “Your other mammy wants you back,” she murmured, lovingly stroking his face with the tip of her finger. “She wants to take you away from me. But we can’t have that, can we? Especially when it was her who put you in danger, when she got on the wrong side of him – that monster, your daddy. And now he wants to kill her and you! But I won’t let him. I’ll keep you safe… like I always do.”

  The look of love she gave him was all-enveloping. “She went away – and now she thinks she has a right to reclaim you. And that’s a shame, because she can’t have you. You’re mine now, my own little boy.

  Chucking his chin, she made him smile, that curiously wonky smile that babies make. “You see, she gave up all rights to you when she went out the door. So now, it’s only fair that you belong to me. You’re my baby… not hers! I’m your mammy now, and that’s the way it should be.” She kissed the top of his downy head, and his little nose.

  Grandad Bob opened the kitchen door and called through: “Was that Maddy on the phone?”

  “No.” In her misguided belief that she had a right to keep the child, Ellen was becoming an accomplished liar. “It was just a wrong number.”

  “Oh dear. So that makes a fortnight since we heard from her. Do you think everything’s all right wi’ the lass?”

  “Perhaps she finds it hard to get to a phone.” Ellen did not want to raise his suspicions, though she was not averse to letting him believe that Maddy had started to shift away from her son. “Mind you, if it were me, I’d move heaven and earth to find out how my son was.”

  “Oh, I don’t think it’s anything to do with her not wanting to ask after him.” He was shaken by Ellen’s comment. “Happen her aunt has taken a turn for the worst and she doesn’t want to worry us.” His voice fell to a mumble. “All the same, I can’t understand why we haven’t heard from her in almost two weeks, when prior to that, she was calling every other day.”

  Ellen was secretly disappointed that her grandfather had dismissed her comment as unbelievable. “Never mind how fond he is of her now,” she told the child, carrying him upstairs for a nappy change and a sleep, “at least the seed is set. The more I work on him, the sooner he’ll come to believe that you’ve been well and truly deserted.”

  She felt for Maddy, and she meant her no real harm. But after caring for that small being for several months now, she had long seen him as her sole responsibility.

  The deep love and commitment she felt for Maddy’s child had crept up on her, until now it was an obsession. Almost without realizing it, Ellen had forgotten the delicate role which Maddy had entrusted to her. Now, at whatever cost, she would lie, cheat, fight tooth and nail, to keep him with her.

  She was not able to realize how the taking of something that was never yours could be a dangerous thing.

  Twenty

  After the conversation with Ellen, Maddy felt empty and afraid. I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this, she thought. She couldn’t relax, couldn’t sleep and now, with that disturbing phone call from the hospital playing on her mind, she was at her wit’s end. “I hope Ellen really has settled it once and for all,” she told herself worriedly. “But I should have realized. He knew I was expecting his child. After his man saw me, it was inevitable that they would check all the local maternity units.”

  There were consolations though. Firstly, she did not have Michael with her when she was seen in Lytham, and secondly, Ellen had dealt wisely with the query from the hospital.

  So, with luck, he had discovered nothing about his son – although, knowing his cruel and vengeful nature, it was likely that he had given the order for both her and her child to be punished. And it was that which haunted her.

  The thought followed her as she worked through the day – and later, when she went to the barn to tidy up and sweep the earthen floor. The thought of her son being murdered because of her, was too shocking to contemplate. That alone was her prime reason for leaving little Michael. It was hard – at times unbearable. But in the light of that man’s determination, and Ellen’s recent warnings, she was given no choice.

  “Penny for them?”

  Momentarily sta
rtled, Maddy swung round. “Oh, Brad!” She visibly relaxed. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

  “That’s because you were deep in thought, as usual,” he remarked with a half-smile. “I called you as soon as I came through the door, but you were miles away, in a world of your own.”

  “Sorry.” For his own sake, she hoped he would not become too curious. She bent her head to stroke Donald, who had lolloped in behind his master.

  The half-smile became an expression of concern. “Something’s worrying you, isn’t it, Sheelagh?”

  Maddy shook her head, but made no reply.

  He observed her for a moment, before offering encouragingly, “I do want to help. You know that, don’t you?” Approaching closer, he placed his hands on her shoulders. “I’ve known since that first day – you’re in some kind of trouble, aren’t you?”

  When again she shook her head, there was something in her eyes, a kind of silent plea, that made him determined to help. “You don’t trust me – is that it?”

  “No! I mean yes, of course I trust you. But honestly, there’s nothing-”

  He placed a finger gently over her lips. Then, without removing it he told her quietly. “You mean a lot to me, Sheelagh, and it hurts to see you upset. We both know there’s something playing on your mind. Tell me what it is, and I give you my word, it won’t go any further.”

  Maddy had never felt closer to him than she did right now. Dangerously close. “Why do you want to help?” she asked, fighting tears. “You don’t even know me. You don’t know who I am, or where I come from. I could be a criminal, for all you know.”

  The smile began in his eyes, then the corners of his mouth were stretching upward, and now he was laughing out loud, making Donald erupt into excited barking. “Let me see now,” he chuckled. “Have you robbed a bank? No? Oh, then are you perhaps an international spy on government work – yes, that’s it! It’s all top secret and you can’t divulge it to anyone.”

  When he saw the answering smile creep over her face, he nervously peeped into the corners of the barn. “Ssh! You’d best not confide in me… there might be somebody listening. The walls have ears.”

  Maddy laughed too. “Don’t be silly!”

  When he fell silent, she looked up at him, all manner of questions in her mind; tugging at her heart.

  One brief second became another, then a minute, and still he was gazing on her, and she gazing back, her heart turning somersaults. She wanted to run, to stay, to reach up and twine her arms round his neck, but most of all to run. But he kept her there; the look of love in his strong, dark eyes.

  “I’m sorry.” Afraid, she drew away. “I have to go.”

  “No, please… stay here with me.” He held out his hand and it was all she could do to turn away. But turn away she did, and then she was out of the barn and back to her cottage, running away from him, away from the feelings that were urging her to go back, to be with him.

  “What’s wrong with me?” Rushing in through the door, she slammed it shut and lay against it, panting and afraid. “What do I want from him? What does he want from me?” She began pacing up and down, her emotions in turmoil.

  All evening she thought about Brad. She recalled the powerful sensations that had surged through her when he was near. “I’ll have to leave this place,” she said out loud, as she lay in bed contemplating the future. “I don’t want to get involved with another man.” Her feelings were still too raw, and the fear of being found never really went away.

  After a restless night, she woke at first light and, clambering out of bed, decided to have a hot shower, get dressed in some warm clothes and go back to the barn to finish the work she had started. Afterward, she would have to decide whether to go, or whether to stay. And yet she was so content here, with him – with Brad. She knew now that she had fallen in love with him. But because of her circumstances, she could not afford the luxury of loving any man, and so she must harden her heart.

  With that in mind, she donned her wellingtons and overalls and returned to the barn, where everything was exactly as she had left it.

  A moment later, she was reaching up to place a fork in its special place on a nail, when two strong arms reached over the top of her and did it for her.

  “I couldn’t sleep either,” Brad whispered in her ear. “Every time I closed my eyes, you came to haunt me.” Placing his large gentle hands on her shoulders, he turned her round to face him. “You’re in my dreams, driving me crazy,” he murmured. “I want you every minute of every day and night. Somehow, you’ve gotten into my blood, and there’s not a thing I can do about it.” Wrapping her to his heart, he asked, “Say you love me too, Sheelagh… for I know you do.”

  Maddy shook her head. “No!” The fear was stronger than her feelings for him. “You’re wrong! I don’t love you.”

  “Ssh!” He placed his finger over her lips. “I don’t believe you.”

  Maddy would have pulled away, but some deep stirring of emotion kept her there, draining all resistance, and with his arms like steel bands around her body, she was lost.

  “I need you with me, my darling.” So shocking; such wonderful words. “I think I’ve loved you from the first moment I saw you.”

  Maddy could say nothing, but when she now pressed closer to him, he knew his love was returned.

  With immense tenderness, he reached out to cup her face in the fullness of his palms. Leaning, his mouth was so close to hers she could feel the warmth of his breath against her lips. When he kissed her, it was long and full, awakening every sensual part of her body. In the shadowy warmth of the barn, he threw his coat on some bales of hay, drew her down and began peeling off her clothes, one by one – and it seemed the most natural thing in the world.

  Naked now, each being shy as the very young on a first date, they touched each other, exploring, learning every curve. He, tender in every way, and she, safe in his arms.

  There was no need for words, because they had already been said, over the past weeks and days, with every glance, every accidental touch, every sweet, lingering smile. The love that bound them had crept up without them knowing, and now, the fulfilling of it was a wondrous, magical thing. There was no hurry, no frantic interaction; just a deep, emotional learning together. An experience that neither would ever forget, or regret.

  When the love-making was over, they stayed content in each other’s arms, deeply awakened by the closeness they had shared.

  “Sheelagh?” Rolling toward her, Brad tilted her face to his.

  “Yes?” Maddy thought her heart would burst with happiness.

  “How did I survive before you came along?”

  There was no answer to that, except a fleeting kiss of reassurance and the hurried whisper, “We’d best go, before someone finds us here.”

  “Would you mind that so much?”

  “I think so, yes.”

  “In that case…” Clambering up, he took her hand and drew her to him. “Let’s go.”

  Under the early morning sky, he walked her back to her cottage.

  At the door, he leaned forward and placed the flat of his hands either side of her so she was trapped as he whispered in her ear, “I wonder if you know how much I love you?”

  She felt ridiculously shy. “I know.” How could she not?

  Clasping her to him he confided, “I’ve never loved any other woman since Penny died. But now that you have come into my life, I feel so happy. I hardly dare leave you, in case you fly away, like a butterfly in the breeze.”

  Maddy gave a brief, fleeting smile, but her heart sank at all the lies and complications. Why, he didn’t even know her real name. “Are you sure, Brad?” she asked timidly.

  “Absolutely sure, my love, and as soon as we can arrange it, I want you to be my wife. Oh, my lovely girl, this will be the beginning of a new life for us all – you, me, and Robin.”

  And little Michael, Maddy thought. But there was time enough for him to find out about her son, and her past. Meantime, she ha
d issues to deal with, and with his next words, Brad touched on that.

  “I want you to put your troubles on me,” he said, as though he could read her mind. “Whatever they are and however difficult, we’ll deal with them together.”

  As Maddy watched him walk away back to the farmhouse, she thought how she would hate to burden him with her problems. They were, after all, of her making… not his.

  Ellen was right, she thought. If it was even remotely possible, they must find a way of outwitting their pursuers.

  Not for the first time, she thought of going to the police. But the belief that somehow or another, Drayton would manage to squirm or pay his way out of it, had prevented her from doing so. In fact, if she were to bring in the police, it could well alienate this good, kind man who genuinely loved her, and whom she desperately wanted to be a part of her future – and Michael’s.

  With that thought came the obvious one: I must tell him I have a son, she mused. If Brad is serious about marriage, and I’m sure he is, then I must be totally honest with him where Michael is concerned. Oh, dear Lord! Supposing he didn’t want to take on another man’s child, never mind the child of a convicted murderer, currently banged up in Brixton Prison!

  The more she thought about it, the more unsettled Maddy became. How would Brad take such a revelation? And what would he think of her, for having been the mistress of such a man, and of having a child out of wedlock?

  That night, she agonized over the problem into the early hours of the morning. Then, after a few snatches of sleep, she crept down to the kitchen and drank endless cups of coffee, waiting to ring Ellen and tell her of this development, wondering what she might say – whether she would be pleased for her, or concerned. After all, Ellen did not know Brad, so she might be naturally suspicious.

  At six-thirty, she ran down to the callbox and telephoned the house in Ackerman Street; fortunately, she didn’t get Grandad Bob. She hated lying to him, pretending she was with her aunt; all of these lies had to end – and soon. It was no way to live, for any of them.