The Zombie Autopsies: Secret Notebooks from the Apocalypse
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I’ll take a fast Zombie over a slow one any day of the week.
Thanks for reading the book.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The idea for this book, like a good zombie movie I guess, came from the wonderful capacity we humans have to shake our heads and laugh at ourselves. In fact, like some kind of unexpected mutation in a not-yet infectious agent, the book kind of germinated, a blip on an epidemiologist’s chart. Will this one spread? Will it go airborne?
Plus, an epidemiologist tries not to leave anyone out.
So, I must start by thanking the Coolidge Corner Theatre in Brookline, Massachusetts. Their Science on Screen series gave me an opportunity to put science and zombies on the same slide, and their sponsors—the Boston Museum of Science, the Boston Phoenix, and others—were willing to laugh just enough to write about the whole thing.
My students at all levels—medical students, residents, fellows—endured all sorts of conjectures, and whether out of respect or something less noble, they smiled and at least seemed amused at my blithering. Certainly no one ever disagreed. My colleagues at Massachusetts General Hospital and Harvard were wonderfully supportive. I think doctors would love to play a bit more… Jay Fishman, a doctor’s doctor and an amazing infectious disease expert, eagerly volunteered his expertise. My mother-in-law, Dr. Mirdza Neiders, offered both loving support as well as spot-on accuracy with regard to proper histological protocol. Larry Kutner caught the bug and offered unrivaled mentorship and direction, passing the zombie germ onto my agent, Laurie Liss.
Laurie’s guidance, wit, and business sense were rivaled only by her willingness to supportively laugh. The bug went airborne somewhere in New York, when Celia Johnson at Grand Central Publishing showed the first signs of disease and decided that there was value in charting the progression of the undead. She has been on target throughout—keeping the story infectious and accelerated. The plague was spreading.
Gene Beresin, my friend and mentor, showed early symptoms, and I’d guess he had clear disease early last fall. John Herman, Mike Jellinek, and Greg Stone soon followed. In hindsight, we were approaching pandemic. When I expressed the requisite skepticism, James Frosch assured me that this was all very possible. At this point, the infection was real.
George Romero, Max Brooks, and Michele Kholos helped me to find solace and relief in the realization that someone could catch the zombie bug and still be a decent and respected partner, father, and friend. Robert Weinberg helped me to make sense of the legal rights of zombies. He is hard at work on a zombie bill of rights as we speak.
And what would any good disease story be without passing the bug itself onto one’s family. My parents and my sister embraced the living dead with filial enthusiasm and amusement. There they were, spending their retirement and leisure watching zombie flicks so they could understand what the hell their son and brother was doing. My wife treated herself to her first horror film on the big screen, and she managed to enjoy herself. This from a woman with whom there have been many heated Netflix disagreements… true love. My kids watched Scooby-Doo and Zombie Island, and my little one giggled beautifully as she stumbled about the house telling us that she was a “bombie.” The dog even got into it.
Finally, to all the zombie enthusiasts who went out of their way to get infected with this new strain of excitement. The Zombie Research Society, led by Matt Mgok, Rick Loverd at the Science and Entertainment Exchange of the National Academy of Science, and a bunch of nice kids dressed like zombies I met in Toronto who all said something like “this is way cool” when I got excited about the book. Here’s hoping that those who read this can chuckle wisely at all the gore. We must always ask ourselves where we draw our lines.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Steven C. Schlozman, MD, studied English and biology in Northern California, and taught high school English and science before starting medical school in New England. After training in psychiatry and child psychiatry, he joined the faculty at Massachusetts General Hospital and at Harvard Medical School, where he is currently an assistant professor of psychiatry. A longtime fan of popular culture, and especially of horror films, he has written about movies, books, pop songs, and sports in blogs for the Boston Globe, Psychology Today, and in academic journals. Most important, he has wanted to write a novel for a very long time and, perhaps even longer, to write the biography for the back cover. He lives in suburban Boston with his wife and two daughters, a big and ill-defined dog named Corduroy, a very fat cat named Daisy, and a skinny black-and-white cat named Oreo. In retrospect, the inspiration for this novel probably derives from the unlikely longevity of his daughters’ pet crayfish, who despite a purported life span of less than two years continues to live happily and for much longer in its tepid tank, feeding on lettuce and the occasional wisp of sliced turkey. It is the first true zombie that Schlozman has encountered, and looks only slightly healthier than the typical walking dead. This is Schlozman’s first novel.
Praise for
THE ZOMBIE AUTOPSIES
“A chilling, and thrilling, look into the anatomical makeup of those brain-gobbling, reanimated freaks. Awesome.”
—Boston Phoenix
“[A] clever debut… Schlozman makes the science both accessible and plausible… This book is sure to be scarfed up by ravenous zombiephiles.”
—Publishers Weekly
“Dr. Steve’s THE ZOMBIE AUTOPSIES will charm and excite a new generation into loving science.”
—Chuck Palahniuk, New York Times bestselling author
“Entertaining… Schlozman weaves a frightening scenario, and horror fans will admire illustrator Sparacio’s grisly drawings of the disease’s progress… nicely complements Max Brooks’s The Zombie Survival Guide.”
—Kirkus Reviews
“An inventively framed apocalyptic tale embellished with black humor.”
—Booklist
“Gruesome and gripping! Steven Schlozman reveals the science behind zombies from the inside out.”
—Seth Grahame-Smith, New York Times bestselling author of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
“With THE ZOMBIE AUTOPSIES, Steven Schlozman redefines ‘weird science’ for the twenty-first century. Brilliant, bizarre, and wonderfully disturbing.”
—Jonathan Maberry, New York Times bestselling author of Rot & Ruin and Patient Zero
“Impressive… each page looks to have been a scan of the notes actually written by ‘Dr. Blum’… Gives you endless hours of thought and consideration… It will haunt you for a while.”
—Fantasy-Faction.com
“Chilling, vividly gory… a truly gruesome horror medical thriller.”
—Midwest Book Review
“An immediately frightening experience… a compelling premise and an intriguingly gory read.”
—LatinHorror.com
“Probably the finest epistolary novel about zombies ever written… dynamic, riveting narrative… a believable and artfully-limned zombie apocalypse that never feels forced, and only becomes more and more real and visceral as the story progresses.”
—ScottKenemore.wordpress.com
1. In addition to new material, the following documents contain background information intended to brief the fourteen new representatives who have recently arrived at the UN compound. The WHO and the UN regret the contamination that necessitated the removal of those with Stage IV infection in last month’s breach. Precautions have been taken to prevent further infectious incidents. Early identification protocols remain in effect.
2. Many will recall that Dr. Blum was central in the research and diplomatic endeavors resulting in the seminal paper on ANSD published in August 2011. Prior to the completion of that manuscript, there was ongoing debate in the international community about the extent to which scientists understood or were prepared for the pandemic. Blum’s diplomatic efforts brought together an international team of ANSD experts, succinctly described the history of the outbreak, and made clear the need for urgent attention to the ra
pidly developing crisis.
3. The Crypt was equipped with anti-dopaminergic projectiles capable of subduing humanoids for up to ten to twelve minutes. Because dopamine is the major neurotransmitter responsible for nervous system commands for movements, dopamine-blocking agents create a state of paralysis in humanoids. That Blum chose to use the more dangerous method of moving subjects with the now-outdated transport poles suggests that he wanted as little damage to the subjects as possible before beginning the autopsy, and that he surmised that chemical damage would obscure more findings than electrical stimulation. For those unfamiliar with the early transport poles, they were titanium-based ten-foot-long hollow tubes with embedded batteries capable of producing up to one million volts through claw-like appendages attached at one end. By comparison, the average stun gun carries between 100,000 and 650,000 volts. To move humanoids, the appendage is clamped around the subject’s neck and electricity is discharged. The voltage creates temporary partial paralysis, but many subjects retain movement and have been known to break free of the appendage. When temporary paralysis occurs, it lasts from three to seven minutes. As humanoids can still walk, the pole is then used to move subjects unrestrained from one area to another, though protocol calls for legs to remain shackled.
4. Note that the Ecumenical Treaty of Atlanta is in appendix III of this document.
5. To better understand the tools Blum chooses, one should understand that Stryker saws cut only hardened material while sparing soft tissue. Anyone who has ever had a cast removed has marveled at the ability of these tools to cut through the plaster and spare the skin beneath. However, even with the implementation of this instrument, the zombie skull crumbles. We suspect that the skull disintegrates because of ongoing decalcification—loss of calcium in bone structure characteristic of severe illness or malnutrition—among ANSD patients. This process, combined with increased intracranial pressure, explains the vulnerability of zombies to cranial injury. To date, the only sure way to deanimate a Stage IV humanoid is to destroy its brain, and the brain of a zombie is itself vulnerable to destruction precisely because the skull is decayed and at the same time almost bursting open from intracranial tension. As we learned early on in the crisis, relatively low-impact blows to the head are usually sufficient to achieve deanimation.
6. A multinational team of military and scientific experts has embarked on a worldwide search for evidence of facilities capable of creating the ANSD pathogen. We are presently trying to access functional surveillance satellites in order to better narrow our search parameters. We will continue to apprise you of these efforts.
* From the international working group on ANSD, South Pacific compound. The authors wish to acknowledge the administrative assistance of the CDC work group on ANSD and especially the advice and direction of Dr. Stanley Blum at the CDC neurodevelopmental branch.
1. Resolution 217 A (III).
2. See resolution 60/1.
A/RES/61/2212
Contents
FRONT COVER IMAGE
WELCOME
DEDICATION
UNITED NATIONS OUTPOST: HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL MEMO 25 JANUARY 2013
BLUM’S HANDWRITTEN NOTEBOOK AND THE ANNOTATED COMMENTS FOLLOW
NOVEMBER 16, 2012
6:15 AM—ON BOARD THE AUTOMATED TRANSPORT
8:00 AM
NOVEMBER 16, 2012
2:47 PM
NOVEMBER 17, 2012
6:46 AM
7:35 AM
8:50 AM
NOVEMBER 18, 2012
3:34 PM
5:25 PM
NOVEMBER 20, 2012
4:35 AM
5:50 AM
6:30 AM
6:40 AM
9:17 AM
10:15 AM
11:12 AM
12:35 PM
NOVEMBER 21, 2012
5:17 AM
6:35 AM
6:40 AM
11:34 AM
NOVEMBER 22, 2012
10:11 AM
NOVEMBER 23, 2012
1:00 AM
2:15 AM
5:36 AM
23 November 2012
4:35 PM
APPENDIX I: GLOSSARY OF TERMS
APPENDIX II
APPENDIX III
APPENDIX IV
APPENDIX V
APPENDIX VI
APPENDIX VII
THERE HAVE BEEN QUESTIONS…
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
PRAISE FOR THE ZOMBIE AUTOPSIES
COPYRIGHT
Copyright
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Copyright © 2011 by Steven C. Schlozman, MD
“There Have Been Questions…” Copyright © 2012 by Steven C. Schlozman, MD
All rights reserved. In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the publisher is unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at permissions@hbgusa.com. Thank you for your support of the author’s rights.
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ISBN 978-0-446-57417-4