When Loyalty Dies, So Does Love

by Dorothy Brown-Newton

  I got up to put RJ in the high chair. I then went into the kitchen to make dinner for the kids. I made spaghetti and meatballs out of the can for the kids. Tash looked at me and laughed because Chef Boyardee was dinner tonight. The kids loved it, but Tasha felt the children should always have a home-cooked meal. I agreed, but it was okay to have the Chef sometimes. I had grown up on the Chef, and I was good. After the kids ate their dinner, I bathed them and put them to bed. Once they were snug in their beds, Tasha and I headed to the movie room to talk and watch a movie.

  “Okay, before we put this movie in, what happened with Rena today?” she asked.

  “Like I said, she was caught up in her feelings. She wanted to know why I was getting married, and why I couldn’t have changed and settled down for her and Raina.”

  “Wow. Really? So she’s with my brother, but she’s worried about who you’re marrying?”

  “Well, I shot the conversation down. I told her she’s with your brother, and that’s where her focus should be. Anything concerning me should only be about us being civil while raising our daughter. So, Tasha, you have nothing to worry about.”

  “I’m far from worried. I could do without the bullshit, is all. Been there, done that. I got my man and my extended family, and I’m happy, but I will say that she better stay in her lane.”

  I had to say that this conversation went well. I realized that my baby had grown as well. I had thought she would want to beat Rena’s ass over this, but nope. My baby said she didn’t have time to be fighting for something that was already hers. She made sure to put it on my ass. She had me calling her name and screaming like a bitch. She had me snoring, something I rarely did after sex.

  Tasha

  I didn’t let Rellz see how pissed I was when he told me about the bullshit Rena had tried to pull. This bitch killed me. She got with my brother, and now she was confessing shit to Rellz. So that told me she got with my brother on some bullshit, because if she were feeling my brother like she claimed she was, why the fuck was she sweating the person Rellz was marrying? During the last conversation she had had with my brother, the bitch had said she was over Rellz. Blah, blah, blah. If that bitch thought she was going to start some trouble in my relationship this time, I was going to make that tramp wish she had never known Tasha existed. I was going to be Rellz’s wife and her daughter’s stepmother, and she needed to accept that, just like I had accepted her dating my brother.

  Rellz’s ass was knocked out. I had had to pull out all my tricks tonight, just in case he was feeling some kind of way about what that trick had said. Rena knew his daughter was his weak spot, and she had tried to use Raina to get to Rellz. If RJ weren’t in the picture, it might have worked, but Rellz had a parental obligation in my household as well. I couldn’t wait until we were married, until all these flocking birds flew their dumb asses away from my husband.

  To be honest, I didn’t even want her ass at my wedding with my brother. I had agreed to this only because she was acting like she really loved my brother. But it had been made abundantly clear that she secretly still wanted my man. That quick I decided that I didn’t even want to get married in the States anymore. Hopefully, her ass won’t be able to attend a wedding held outside the country. I wonder if Rellz would agree to this. I tried not to involve him too much, only when I was asking about prices.

  I had noticed that anytime I messed around with the guest list for the wedding, his facial expression changed. I knew it bothered him that he did not have any family to attend our wedding. I had tried to get him to address this issue, and I wanted to tell him that if it would make him happy, I was willing to grab two witnesses and go to the justice of peace. After all, this was about us, and no one else. But whenever I broached the subject, his reply was, “As long as my li’l man and Raina are there, I’m good.” But I knew he was not. I needed to get Shea on the phone and see what she thought about my wedding not being in the States.

  Shea didn’t think that a wedding outside the States was a good idea. She said it wouldn’t be fair to family members who wanted to attend. She said that for that to happen, most people would have to plan far in advance and not two months before the wedding. I really didn’t care about certain family members, but there were a few whom I did care about, so we decided to have the wedding and the reception at the Grand Prospect Hall in Brooklyn. I set up an appointment with an event consultant who would help us plan the wedding. Rellz would have to attend the meeting since we had to pick a menu based on the price per person. We had to decide if we wanted a buffet-style dinner or a formal dinner where our guests would be served. I was willing to go with whichever option suited Rellz, as he had agreed to my black and lavender theme.

  Rellz

  Today Tasha’s dad, Kane, and I were getting our measurements taken for our tuxes at the Nordstrom at Roosevelt Field, a swank shopping mall. Tash had already had us select black Armani tuxes with lavender shirts. I was feeling the tux, but the silk bow tie had to go. I called her, and she said not to change the clothing selection, because she had ordered RJ’s outfit online, and it matched the ones we were being fitted for today. After our measurements were taken, the salesperson helped us with shoes, and then we were on our way. We stopped to have lunch before I dropped them off at Kane’s ride. I wanted to have a conversation about Rena with Kane so bad, but I decided to leave well enough alone.

  I couldn’t believe that in three weeks I would be married, with four children. I gave thanks every day to the man above for the life I was living, since I could have ended up in another place. I had picked up the tickets for our honeymoon from the travel agency yesterday. We had agreed on the Bahamas. I wasn’t having a bachelor party due to lack of trusted men, so Kane and I would be staying at the Westin in Midtown the night before the wedding. We would be having drinks at a strip club, and I’d be getting my last lap dance before I was officially off the market to foolishness. Tash, feeling bad for her man, had decided against a bridal shower. She would be staying at the Westin too, but we had promised to stick to tradition and not see one another before the wedding.

  Tasha

  I was in the bathroom, throwing up everything I ate that morning. I really had to get myself together before Rellz got home. Oh, boy, too late. When I heard him call my name, I quickly locked the bathroom door.

  “Tash, you okay? Saniyah said you don’t feel well.”

  “I’m okay. I’ll be out in a minute,” I yelled through the door.

  “You sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and swept my hair up in a messy ponytail. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I frowned. These past few weeks had taken a toll on me, and the stress was beginning to be unbearable. Thank God all the running around was over, and I must say that Shea and my mom were heaven sent, as they had helped me get it all done. I had to get back to looking stress free. I didn’t want Rellz to think I was having second thoughts, because that was far from the truth. The past few days I had been tired and unable to keep anything down, and I’d just been feeling off. My mom had told me those were all symptoms of planning a wedding, but I begged to differ. I had just found out I was six weeks pregnant. I was happy about it, but now, when I was orchestrating a wedding, was not the time to be dealing with morning sickness. I damn sure didn’t want anyone to know, because my wack-ass cousins would have a field day spreading rumors that Rellz was marrying me only because I was pregnant.

  I came out of the bathroom, and he walked over to me and kissed me on my forehead. I assured him that I was fine, but he told me to go lie down. He said he would do homework with the girls, and I was thankful, because I was indeed tired.

  * * *

  It was the night before the wedding. This feeling was amazing. I was about to be the wife of the man I loved with all my heart. I stood at the window in my room at the Westin and admired the view. Mom, Dad, Shea, and the kids were downstairs, having dinner, but I didn’t feel up to it. I just wa
nted to lie down and rest, because I was expecting the hairdresser and the make-up artist at 6:00 a.m. As I went to lie down, the telephone rang. It was the front desk, and the receptionist informed me that a package had been left for me and someone would bring it up. The knock came ten minutes later, but when I opened the door, it was Rellz. Before I could say anything, he walked in, and the look on his face scared me. He stood in the kitchen area, just staring at me with hurt eyes.

  “Rellz, baby, what is it? Talk to me, baby.” I started to tear up, because he was really scaring me. Did something happen to one of the kids? I wondered. The not knowing was killing me.

  Finally, he spoke. “Tash, I thought we were better than this. I gave you the one thing that I refused to give to anyone else, and this is how you do me?”

  “Rellz, what are you talking about?”

  “Where the fuck do I start? Why don’t you tell me how you got a fucking abortion and then had that lame-ass doctor friend of your mother’s agree to help you lie about a miscarriage? Oh, wait a minute. How about you enlighten me on how we came clean, but you failed to tell me the whole fucking story of you having my money and you fucking Turk? You told me the only part you played in that shit was location, so that’s why Turk’s story matched yours, because you were fucking him.”

  He stopped and shook his head, then went on. “Tash, I can’t believe you would do me like this. Yes, I did some fucked-up shit, but we decided to put everything on the table and move forward, leaving the past behind, but you kept all your skeletons in the closet. Oh, and that’s not half of it. You left the house because you got upset with me after finding out that Rena was my daughter’s mom and was possibly pregnant again, just to go and fuck your dyke friend and her bitch. So fuck those tears and say something.”

  I couldn’t stop the tears from falling, but I knew I had to say something. We’d come too far for it to end like this.

  “Rellz, when I got pregnant, you were out there in them streets, cheating on me every chance you got. You didn’t give a fuck about me, so when I found out I was pregnant, I had to think of something. At that time, I wasn’t ready to bring a baby into our situation, so I did what I felt I needed to do at the time.”

  “Fuck that shit, Tash. You killed my fucking seed on some selfish shit. I was fucking Rena, but you knew you were doing the same with Turk. So that wasn’t the reason why you killed my seed. Was it even mine? Maybe that’s your reason for it, and not it not being the right time. You didn’t know who the father was. Is that it?”

  “No, Rellz. I slept with Turk on some get back. I wanted you to hurt the way you hurt me, and robbing you was another mistake I made. You really hurt me, Rellz, and you continued to hurt me. So when you had no regard for my feelings, I said, ‘Fuck you too,’ but I’m sorry. Please believe me. You know me. I’ve been everything you needed me to be. I messed up. I was broken. Please forgive me.”

  I was now grabbing him, trying to get him just to hold me, forgive me, and love me.

  “Tash, don’t touch me. Don’t you ever touch me again.”

  “Rellz, please don’t do this. I’m pregnant, baby. Please, I love you. Don’t leave me like this. We can work this out. Please,” I cried.

  He walked out, leaving me on my knees, crying for him. I stayed in that same spot, crying, until a knock on the door got my attention. I rushed to the door, just knowing he had come back, but to my disappointment, it was a hotel staff member bringing me the package that had been left at the front desk. It was a bottle of Moscato Rosé, a single yellow rose, and an envelope with all too familiar handwriting on it. With the tears still flowing nonstop, I opened the envelope and begin reading the letter inside.

  I really wish I could have been a fly on the wall when your hopes and dreams came crashing down, right before your eyes. I never would have guessed in a million years that our friendship meant nothing to you. You took the one thing that mattered to me more than anything in this world. Who gave you the right to decide our fate, while you get the happily ever after? Be careful next time when disclosing information that could come back and bite you in the ass, especially when you know you’re as grimy as they come.

  When you took away the one thing I lived for, I vowed to take the one thing your heart desired—Rellz’ s heart. So as you feel your heart breaking and the physical pain of not having your soul mate any longer, remember that’s the same pain I feel. I gifted you a single yellow rose because it’s a symbol of joy and friendship, something we once shared, as well as a bottle of Moscato Rosé, our last drink together as friends.

  The only reason you get to continue to breathe is that the day you took Jai is the day I died a slow, painful death, and I take joy in knowing you will have that same fate.

  -Ursula

  Tasha

  It had been a few weeks since Rellz called off the wedding, took his son, and kicked me out of his home. The twins and I had been staying with my mom, and between a broken heart and morning sickness, I was dying a slow death. So Ursula was right. Was I mad at her? Not at all. I’d always known and believed that karma was a bitch; I just hadn’t expected it to come knocking at my door so soon. I tried to pick myself up and be strong to continue raising my sister’s twins, but I had yet to get it together, so my mom and Kane had been doing what I started. I just couldn’t get out of bed, and the only time I moved was to shower. I was barely eating, and I knew it wasn’t good for the baby I was carrying, but without Rellz, life as I’d known it was over.

  I had tried reaching out to him so many times, but to no avail. I just didn’t know how to stop this pain. It hurt so bad, and I cried so much, you would think I’d been getting high. With my bloodshot eyes and my hair matted to my head, I was a mess. Yes, my mom had raised me to be strong, but she had never prepared me for this kind of pain. Heartbreak wasn’t just an emotional feeling; it was really physically painful. No matter how much I tried to stop the pain by telling myself that it was his loss, that I didn’t need him, and that if he wasn’t going to love me anymore, I could care less, the reality of the situation crept into my thought process, and it just hurt more.

  Kane had even tried to get me to see that I had to get it together, because the girls still needed me, and I needed to do right by the baby I was carrying—if I decided to keep it. What did he mean, if I decided to keep it? I would never get rid of the one thing that I had left of Rellz. This baby had been conceived out of love, and I’d be damned if I would do anything to harm this baby. What Kane said that day, without him even knowing, brought me back to life. I couldn’t handle the thought of losing Rellz’s baby.

  Rellz

  I wasn’t new to disappointment and heartbreak, but this was some new advanced shit I was feeling. I guessed heartbreak from family and your first real love were two different kinds of hurt, because this feeling knocked me off my ass. The hurt and pain I’d been feeling had me sick: I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, and I even cried. I was down, but I wasn’t out. The only thing that kept me above water was my li’l man and Raina. I talked to Raina on the phone every day, and my baby always gave me the strength to get up and do what needed to be done for RJ.

  I knew he missed Tasha and his sisters. Shit. I missed them too. Crazy, right? As much as I hated her right now, I missed her. My body yearned for her, but I couldn’t find it in me to walk down that aisle. She had hurt me to my core, and it hurt me that she didn’t trust me enough to tell me the whole truth. I had held nothing back. I had thought we were of one accord, but I was wrong.

  She was carrying my baby, so I knew that I had to make contact to see what she was going to do. because she had got rid of my baby before because we weren’t in a good place. So now that we were in a worse place, I needed to know if she was going to keep it. However, right now I was not ready to see her. I needed some more time, because it had taken everything in me that night not to choke the life out of her.

  Tasha

  Today wasn’t a good day for me. I was officially missing Rellz as I bent o
ver the toilet and threw up my insides for the third time this morning. I wished he was here, holding my hair out of my face while rubbing my back, making me feel better, like only he could. My mom came up to make sure I was okay and was getting ready, because Kane was coming to pick me up. He was taking me to my first prenatal appointment. I really didn’t want to go, but I knew I had to put my big girl panties on and take care of this baby’s needs.

  My eating habits were poor; I and my baby were eating maybe once a day, and some days not at all, and my mom was fed up. She had given me a further push to take care of the baby by putting me in my place. She had said that I made my bed, and now I had to lie in it. That this baby didn’t have anything to do with the decisions I had made, and if I couldn’t get it together, then I should have an abortion, rather than deny this baby a chance at life because I was being selfish.

  As Kane and I walked into the doctor’s office, I looked up and saw Rellz standing off to the side, holding RJ. The tears that I thought I no longer had poured from my eyes. It was one of those cries where your chest was heaving up and down. Seeing Rellz standing there, with no emotion at all, hurt me. I ran into the bathroom; I had to get myself together. I didn’t understand why he was here if he wasn’t going to speak to me or even acknowledge me. When I came out of the bathroom, Kane was standing there.

  “Look, Tasha, he wanted to be here for the appointment. Nothing more, nothing less, so get it together. The one thing I’ve always admired about you was how strong of a woman you are. You’ve held all the siblings down, and now it’s my turn to do the same for you. You fucked up, but don’t let no man have you out here looking crazy. Don’t think Rellz isn’t hurting too, because he is, but he’s not going to let you see it. Go back in that bathroom, fix your face, and come back out with your head held high.”