Andromeda Klein

by Frank Portman

  “You’ll be hyperaware of sounds for a little while here, but your ears will adjust very shortly,” said Dr. Hu. “And you should see a regular doctor about your other issues. It may be time for a re-diagnosis.”

  On her way back out to the hospital lobby, Andromeda allowed herself to indulge in an absurd thought: that Byron had been right about Daisy’s last ritual after all. That it had been an attempt to cure Andromeda of her bone disease and that retrieving the box had finally set the spell in motion, resulting in a sudden, miraculous reorganization of her collagen. But that, of course, is not the way magic works. At least, that’s not the way it ever worked when it came to Andromeda Klein. She had, she supposed, merely been mistaken about the cause of her hearing trouble, that’s all.

  The Left Ring answer was, as usual, more in keeping with Andromeda’s temperament. In that view, Daisy’s spell had been intended to break up the relationship, such as it had been, between Andromeda and St. Steve; and it had, indeed, resulted in a “hi there.”

  Either way, the negative magic of Daisy’s ill-conceived Toad Bone Ritual had quite possibly backfired on Daisy in the end. Whether the truth was Saturnine or Jovial, at least Andromeda had gotten a Precious Sponge and improved hearing out of the deal.

  Bethany Stone was sitting with Byron when Andromeda emerged.

  “You only left like thirty messages,” she said in response to Andromeda’s look. “So what happened to you?”

  Andromeda raised her braced arm in a mock-triumphal gesture.

  “Run-of-the-mill sex injury,” she said. Byron’s wince at that was rather cute.

  It was clear from the look in Bethany’s lovely Katherine Mansfield eyes that she couldn’t really have been in cahoots with Rosalie van Genuchten. Could she have? Evidently she and Byron had been talking about it, because she fixed Andromeda with a direct stare and said:

  “How about that Rosalie?” Then, after a pause: “I knew about the phone. I mean, I was there when they fiddled with it. But I didn’t know they were going to, you know, ‘punk’ you with it. It was just supposed to be part of that school thing. The ‘altruism project.’”

  According to Bethany, Rosalie’s plan had been, as she had explained it, to help build Andromeda’s confidence and self-esteem by having her do tarot readings and then making them “come true.” Well, that explained Rosalie’s sudden interest in tarot and her simpleminded, overliteral interpretations of the results, if nothing else.

  “Remember how she recorded you in the car about self-esteem and videoed you in the cafeteria?” said Bethany. “That was going to be the centerpiece of her project, playing them for her presentation. I actually don’t know how reprogramming your phone was supposed to fit into it, now that I think of it. It seemed like it made sense at the time. Sort of. You know that girl. She steamrolls you.”

  That was for sure.

  “Well, her ‘project’ isn’t looking too good,” said Andromeda. “I’m Clearview’s Most Wanted at the moment.”

  “Definite Fail,” said Bethany.

  Byron had been tapping away at his phone. “I’ve got some bad news for you,” he said, holding it up.

  It took Andromeda a moment to realize that he was showing her an online auction site, and that the IHOB’s Magick Without Tears was up, though it had, as of yet, no bids.

  “They sure didn’t waste any time,” said Andromeda bitterly.

  “But check it out,” said Byron. He grabbed hold of her wrist and raised her arm so he could see the PIN number tantoon, and then one-thumb-entered it into his phone. “Ah,” he said. “I had a feeling. See, Rosalie’s using that as the password for her PayPal account, so …” He pressed a few more buttons and said: “There. Rosalie just bid five hundred dollars for Magick Without Tears. I can even change the address to yours so if she doesn’t notice it and the charge goes through, they’ll deliver it to you.”

  “What if she does notice, though?”

  Byron said that then she’d probably close the account and the auction would be derailed and the “Friends” of the Library would have to re-list it. “And that’s probably what will happen,” he added. “But it would at least slow them down. Buy us time. And then: bake sale!”

  Andromeda paused to reflect: this was clever, but it would add yet another charge against her, probably. She wasn’t sure exactly how much trouble she was in, in reality. People did all sorts of way worse stuff and managed to get away with it. She supposed she’d find out soon enough. What’s the worst that could happen? she wondered, and then waited, as this was a classic opening for a barbed Huggy comment. But there were no insults to be discerned in the buzz of the fluorescent lights or the crisp sound of the rain hitting the lobby’s window and skylight.

  “Let’s get out of here,” said Byron, as though reading her mind. “Before this place is crawling with coppers.”

  The bin marked BIOHAZARD DISPOSAL on the way out seemed like the perfect place for Daisy’s Toad Bone tarot box.

  Andromeda hesitated, though.

  “We could, you know, ‘go down to the river,’ with this,” she said.

  “Oh, you’ve got some horses you need to tame?” said Byron.

  “Maybe it would work on Rosalie,” said Andromeda.

  Bethany was looking thoroughly confused. The box sounded like a small metallic bomb when it hit the sides of the chute going down.

  “Hey,” said Bethany. “I was thinking of taking Hebrew at Hillel this summer. Would you like to maybe do it with me?”

  Would I like to maybe do it with you, thought Andromeda. She supposed her smile was answer enough.

  The sound it made when Byron kissed her on the top of the head sounded like it could have shaken the building. The jangling keys on Byron’s belt were shimmery like tiny bells. But she was already getting used to it, just as Dr. Hu said she would.

  There were so many buzzing, humming staticky sounds in the hospital and in the parking lot. Andromeda listened carefully to each of them, straining to discern a voice beneath the surface. At times she felt she could almost make something out. She wondered, truly wondered, if she’d ever hear from Huggy again.

  But no matter.

  At least she had Katherine Mansfield and the Precious Sponge. She’d always probably have that.

  LEXICON

  action-populated: agitated, distressed, bubbling over with concerns.

  Agrippa, Henry Cornelius (1486-1535): a sixteenth-century soldier-magician-physician-scholar whose Three Books of Occult Philosophy aspired to encompass the whole of Western occult science.

  Aiwass, Aiwaz: a Secret Chief and minister of Hoor-paar-kraat (Harpocrates) who dictated The Book of the Law to Aleister Crowley over three days in Cairo in 1904 e.v.

  ars nova: “a new art”—weedgie polyphonic music from the fourteenth century.

  ars subtilior: “a subtler art”—even weedgier and more complex polyphonic music from the end of the fourteenth century.

  the Asclepius: a Hermetic text concerned with the ancient technique of drawing down spirits to animate stone idols.

  bacon: pagan.

  bagel worm agony: naked girl magazine.

  the Beast 666: an allegorical figure in the Book of Revelation, and Aleister Crowley’s self-proclaimed office.

  belladonna: deadly nightshade.

  Blake, William (1757-1827): an artist, poet, mystic, and magician of the late eighteenth and early nineteenth century.

  blind: a deliberate inaccuracy in an esoteric text, meant to hide the true meaning from all but the initiated.

  Bonewits, P.E.I. (1959-): He received a Bachelor of Arts degree in magic from the University of California, Berkeley, in 1970 e.v.

  Bruno, Giordano (1548-1600): an Italian Hermetic magician burnt at the stake in 1600 e.v. Also known as the Nolan.

  camel: candle; also, the letter gimel, Key III, the High Priestess or Popess.

  Christmas tree: two jiggers gin, ⅔ pony vermouth, plus one olive.

  Coronzon, Choronzon: the
Dweller in the Abyss known as 333, denizen of the Tenth Aethyr referred to as ZAX, associated by Dr. John Dee with the serpent in the Garden of Eden.

  coyote: a chaote, a proponent of Chaos Magick.

  Crowley, Aleister (1875-1947): magician, mountaineer, novelist, poet, mystic, astrologer, artist, libertine, spy.

  Cthulhu: ph’nglui mglw’nafh C’thulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

  the Cry of the Watcher Within: a banishing formula adapted from the Eleusinian Mysteries of ancient Greece for use in Golden Dawn rituals.

  de Machaut, Guillaume (c. 1300-1377): a French poet and composer in the fourteenth-century ars nova style.

  Dee, Dr. John (1527-1608): an Elizabethan mathematician who talked to angels.

  dime soda: kindasorta.

  Dion Fortune (1890-1946): Also known as Violet Mary Firth. Her magic thwarted the Germans in the Battle of Britain during World War II.

  dragon’s teeth: Syrian rue, also known as moly or harmal.

  ectomorph: a person with a slender body.

  eucalyptus: a tree imported to California by Australians during the Gold Rush.

  Euclid (c. 300 B.C.): an ancient magician and a holy man from the time before magic and mathematics were thought of as different things.

  e.v.: era vulgaris; i.e., the common era.

  gematria: the method that reveals the numbers symbolized by words.

  glyph: a sign or symbol.

  godbotherers: non-silent un-atheists.

  Goetia: Ars Goetia, the “Howling Art.” Solomon the Great bound and imprisoned in a brass vessel the seventy-two demons he had employed to help build the Temple and then threw this vessel into a lake. The Babylonians, imagining it to contain treasure, retrieved the vessel and unsealed it, releasing the seventy-two Goetic demons and their legions.

  griefer: a computer-game vandal or online mischief-maker.

  grimoire: a grammar of magic.

  the Hand of Glory: a special candelabrum made from the pickled and dried severed hand of a murderer; said to open locked doors and paralyze all those who look upon it.

  Harris, Lady Frieda (1877-1962): the artist who collaborated with Aleister Crowley on his Thoth tarot deck.

  headacid: a headache.

  the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn: a short-lived but extremely influential magical society whose mem bership included Aleister Crowley, A. E. Waite, Pamela Colman Smith, E. Nesbit, Charles Williams, Algernon Blackwood, Florence Farr, Arthur Machen, Allan Bennett, Bram Stoker, and William Butler Yeats.

  Holy Guardian Angel: an otherworldly entity charged with guiding the magician to his or her true will.

  hypercormorant: high-performance.

  IHOB: the International House of Bookcakes. Also known as the Clearview Park Public Library.

  Jessup, Ernest James Madison (1879-1977): Twentieth-century American occultist, folklorist, criminologist.

  Jovial: of or like Jove/Jupiter, that is, warm, cheery, optimistic, sanguine, red.

  Kelley, Edward (1555-1597): Also known as Edward Talbot. Dr. Dee’s medium.

  kibble wing: chemo wig.

  lantern: Latin.

  large bundle of Arthur eggs: undisclosed.

  LBRP: Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram, a banishing ritual used by the Golden Dawn and its descendants.

  Led Zeppelin: a rock band from the 1970s e.v.

  the Lemegeton: the Clavicula Salomonis or Lesser Key of Solomon, a seventeenth-century Goetic grimoire.

  Liber AL: The Book of the Law: the founding document of Thelema, the text of which forbids its study and recommends destroying it after the first reading.

  Lovecraft, H. P. (1890-1937): a holy dreamer of unholy dreams.

  magic: practical ouijanesse.

  magick: an archaic form of the word magic adopted by Aleister Crowley to distinguish his magical system from mere prestidigitation; the addition of K, the eleventh letter, also has an esoteric significance in Crowley’s system.

  mandals: man sandals.

  Marx, Groucho (1891-1977): an American actor with a mustache and a cigar.

  Mathers, Samuel Liddle MacGregor (1854-1918): a founder of the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn and translator of The Book of the Sacred Magic of Abramelin the Mage.

  me: of.

  mother-o-saurus: Mother of Sorrows.

  muscle car: an automobile with a high-performance engine, usually from the 1970s e.v.

  the Necronomicon: Knowledge of this rarest of ancient magical books came to H. P. Lovecraft in a dream. Also known as Al Azif, which denotes a howling Goetic sound.

  occult: hidden.

  occultist: a spiritual scientist or technician.

  of: me.

  ouijanesse: the state of being weedgie.

  pants on fire: pacifier.

  predictionary: a list of predictive text-message typos.

  prestidigitation: nimble-fingered stage conjuring.

  PSDTN: p.s. destroy this note.

  Regardie, Dr. Israel (1907-1985): a chiropractor who was Aleister Crowley’s onetime secretary, editor, and chronicler of the Golden Dawn.

  Rule P: see PSDTN.

  Saturnine: of or like Saturn, that is, dark, moody, melancholy, introspective, slow, deep, or with a surfeit of black bile.

  Sefer Yetzirah: the Book of Creation, an ancient book explaining how the Universe was created by means of numbers and letters.

  Shemhamphorash, Shem Ha-Mephorash: Three consecutive verses of the Book of Exodus in the Hebrew Bible have exactly seventy-two letters, which when written out one on top of the other yield seventy-two columns of three letters each. These are the seventy-two names of God.

  Adding the proper suffix (-ih for mercy, -al for judgment) to each yields the name of an angel.

  Shub-Niggurath: the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young.

  sigil, sigillum: a seal or seal-like symbol.

  the Simonomicon: not the Necronomicon, but an incredible simulation.

  skidding: just kidding.

  slam sex: slant six (a type of car engine).

  Smith, Pamela “Pixie” Colman (1878-1951): the artist who painted the images on the Rider-Waite tarot deck. In later life she ran a retreat for priests at her home in Cornwall, adjacent to a chapel known as Our Lady of the Lizard.

  soupy soupy chang chang: Lapsang souchong, a kind of tea with a smoky flavor.

  spinach U-turn: Finnish Lutheran.

  stained flowers: strange powers.

  Star Ruby: an elaborate variation on the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram.

  steak antlers: snake handlers; i.e., religious people (cf god-botherers).

  Sylvester Mouse: some extra hours.

  synch: a meaningful coincidence; i.e., a pointer to a window looking out upon eternity.

  tarot: the unbound leaves of the Book of Thoth, comprising a symbolic map of the Universe.

  Tau robe: a ceremonial robe shaped like the Greek letter tau, T.

  Teenage Head: a Canadian rock group from the 1970s e.v.

  thelema: a Greek word meaning “will;” also the philosophical, magical, and spiritual system revealed to Aleister Crowley by Aiwass in 1904 e.v.

  Thoth Hermes Trismegistus: The Egyptian god Thoth was known to the Greeks as Hermes and was venerated as Trismegistus—“three times great”—at his Temple at Hermopolis. A disputed tradition traces the historical origins of tarot symbolism to the beliefs and practices of this temple.

  Tiphareth, Beauty: the sixth Sephira on the Tree of Life.

  toy away: thinking of you and wild about you.

  Uncle Al: an affectionate term for the Beast 666.

  unicursal hexagram: Unlike a traditional hexagram, this can be drawn with a pen, finger, or sword in one continuous line rather than as two triangles.

  vacuum: bathroom (also mushroom, ashram).

  van Rensselaer, Mrs. John King (1848-1925): a lady of New York high society who wrote two books on the history of playing cards and the tarot in the late nineteenth and ea
rly twentieth centuries and who later engaged in devastating magical warfare against the Freemasons who controlled the New-York Historical Society.

  Waite, A. E. (1857-1942): a mystic and scholar of esoterica, and designer of the Rider-Waite tarot deck illustrated by Pamela Colman Smith.

  The Warburg Institute: Aby Warburg’s library of sixty thousand volumes was transported from Hamburg, Germany, to London in 1933 and joined with the library of the University of London in 1944.

  weedgie: spooky, creepy, magic, spiritual.

  Yates, Dame Frances (1899-1981): a twentieth-century scholar of Renaissance culture and Hermetic magic.

  THANKS TO:

  Krista Marino, Steven Malk, Beverly Horowitz, Tamar Schwartz, Colleen Fellingham, Tim Terhune, Angela Carlino, and Tristin Aaron.

  FRANK PORTMAN (aka Dr. Frank) is the singer/songwriter/guitarist of the influential East Bay punk band the Mr. T. Experience (MTX). MTX has released about a dozen albums since forming in the mid-eighties. Andromeda Klein is Frank Portman’s second novel. His first novel, King Dork, was an ALA-ALSC Best Book for Young Adults and a finalist for the Quills Award. You can visit him at www.frankportman.com.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Copyright © 2009 by Frank Portman

  All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Delacorte Press, an imprint of Random House Children’s Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.

  Delacorte Press is a registered trademark and the colophon is a trademark of Random House, Inc.

  Visit us on the Web! or www.randomhouse.com/teens

  Educators and librarians, for a variety of teaching tools, visit us at www.randomhouse.com/teachers

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Portman, Frank.