Swan Songs

by Swan, Tarn

  Twinkles helped Lulu with his makeup for going out. His face is still tender in places, but much better than it was. He put on the black and white dress that Twinks had given him. With his knee length black boots he ended up looking very much like Sixties icon Twiggy. He was thrilled with the look and said he might add some more accessories and enter the Christmas Queen Pageant in it. Jealousy shone green in a certain someone’s eye and he started to backtrack about giving Lulu the dress to keep. He caught my eye and had the wisdom to shut up. A gift once given cannot be taken back to my mind.

  I gave Lu a lift to the PP and then hurried back home. I had things on my mind and on other places too. To my extreme annoyance Twinkles was chatting with Teddy on the phone. Teddy was on duty, but it was a quiet night so he thought he’d phone Twinks to have a nice natter about how their house alterations were progressing. I had things that needed settling and I couldn’t care less about Teddy’s house alterations or his fifty pounds a roll wallpaper and his gold leaf cornice for the sitting room. Sitting down next to Twinks on the couch I unzipped his jeans and slipped my hand inside. It had the desired effect. Quickly telling Teddy that something urgent had just sprung up he hung up and gave his full attention to settling things with me. After settling things on the couch we went upstairs and settled things in a more leisurely fashion in bed. It felt so good.

  We were awoken in the early hours by the screech of the kitchen smoke alarm. Twinkles panicked and began flinging open his wardrobe doors shouting about saving his wigs and frocks. I was more concerned about the fabric of the house and hurried downstairs from whence an acrid stench was coming. I found Lulu and Natalie frantically trying to silence the alarm, which had been set off because Lulu, peanut brain, had tried to warm up their takeaway pizza by popping it under a hot grill for a few minutes. Being three sheets to the wind he forgot to take it out of the cardboard box first and it had caught fire. He’d quickly quenched the flames with a wet tea towel, but it was too late to stop the alarm sounding. I gave them both a piece of my mind before I remembered I was stark naked. I thought they weren’t paying much attention to my pithy words. It’s very difficult to make a dignified exit when you’re nude. As I left I heard Lulu ask Natalie whether she had noticed the love bite on my neck (Twinkles got rather excited on the couch) to which she replied ‘I wasn’t looking that high up, dear.’ It’s a wonder my full body blush didn’t set off the smoke alarm on the landing.

  Lulu was apologetic this morning. I had a few words about consideration and safety and left it at that. Twinkles wanted me to punish him by confiscating the black and white dress. I sighed and told him to let the dress go with dignity.

  He decided he would like to go Christmas shopping at the MetroCentre today after all, so off we went. The place was packed, not my idea of heaven I’m afraid. The beauty of Twinkles working in a jeweller’s shop is that we get a large proportion of our gifts from there, and at a discount. We were mainly shopping for stocking fillers and presents for male relatives and friends. We had a smidge of conflict when it came to buying presents for Dominic. Twinkles of course wanted to go completely mad and buy everything that took his fancy. I reminded him that Dom isn’t quite a year old and was likely to be more interested in the wrappings than the gifts. We settled on a Winnie The Pooh Call And Learn mobile phone toy because Dom loves phones. We also bought a bucket of colourful wooden bricks and we’ll put some money in the account we set up for him.

  Twinkles attention was caught by a little girl’s party dress. It was lovely with a lilac satin underskirt and organza overskirt sprinkled with gold stars and glitter. It came with a little handbag and tiara and he adored it. I think if they’d done it in his size he would have been on bended knee begging me to get it for him. It was very pretty, but I said it was too big for baby Janet and too small for Gabby. He wanted it for Dominic. I sighed. Karen has told him. Paul has told him. I have told him that Dom does not do dresses. If there comes a time when he personally wants to do dresses, then fine, but it will be his choice. Him in frocks took a huff. Everyone was against him. No one respected him. It was the anti transvestite mentality all over again and from his own partner and friends. I suggested that he go sit in the car if he was more interested in sulking than shopping. He decided it would be cruel to allow me to choose gifts without his expert guidance, as God knows what people would end up with.

  We bought Janet a big plush cuddly duck and a pretty pink dress. For Gabby we chose a fur muff and matching hat with snowflake design, faux fur of course and never once in possession of eyes or a mouth. Twinks enjoys shopping for little girl things. It’s a labour of love. We then went for a well-earned coffee and slice of something nice in a little coffee shop that does wonderful cakes and pastries. He asked what I was getting him for Christmas. I said a sack of coal because he’d been such a naughty boy this year. He made a very obscene gesture with the éclair he was eating, which shocked the elderly lady at the next table.

  After coffee he dragged me to the Pronuptia shop to look at wedding dresses. The Civil Partnership Act comes into force in the UK on the 5th December. We’ve talked about it a lot and have decided to wait until the New Year, maybe the spring before applying. Neither of us wants to be part of a mad rush. Twinks doesn’t like being one among many. We can wait a while longer, and besides he wants to have as much time as possible to enjoy all things bridal. The ladies in the bridal shop were ladies in every sense. Twinkles, as I’ve said before, has an open personality and very soon Liz, Myra and Shelly knew how long we’d been together, how much I loved him, what he did on his weekends and his favourite Hollyoaks characters. They helped him try on tiaras and veils and told him what suited him. I have mixed feelings, very mixed feelings about him wearing the full white regalia. I mean he’s hardly a virgin to begin with, but if it makes him happy then I’ll be happy, though I never in a million years thought I’d marry someone in a dress and veil.

  We had a mild falling out when he wanted to pay an absolute fortune for a silk scarf for Teddy for Christmas. I said no, which he grudgingly accepted. He then fell madly in love with a glamorous boa made from lush green peacock feathers. He wanted to buy it for himself. It was way, way over the budget I’d worked out for him and again I said no. He had a tearful strop at his lack of financial freedom and demanded his Barclaycard back. I decided we’d shopped enough and it was home time.

  We got back to discover Frank standing in his front garden amidst a confusion of fairy lights and decorations. He gave us a look of utter misery saying he’d had his orders from the womenfolk. He was to decorate the outside of the house for Christmas. He didn’t know where to bloody start. He wasn’t into all this decorating malarkey. He appealed to Twinkles for artistic guidance, citing his experience with window dressing. Twinkles was delighted to play artistic director. I (Scrooge) won’t allow anymore that a few fairy lights in the garden and the idea of putting on an outside show appealed to him. He roped in Lulu and several hours later Frank proudly did the big switch on. Several million fairy lights burst into multi coloured splendour. It looks nice I suppose. Katie and Gabby are thrilled and Gabby told Twinks she loves him and is going to marry him when she grows up. Lulu got tearful and said it wasn’t fair. Twinks had men and women after marrying him, while he had no one. Katie offered to loan him Frank who told her to ‘give over, woman.’

  I’m shattered, it’s time to put the quill down and go to bed.

  5th December 2005:

  The Wise And Magic Fairy

  I finished work early this evening. My office tends to slow down in December, much to my beloved’s annoyance. His job picks up pace and he’s run off his feet. I had to wait around for quite a while and in the end he roped me in as a gift wrapper. I spent half an hour wrapping and ribboning various items destined as Christmas presents. I quite enjoyed it and people are very appreciative of such a service being offered. One sweet lady gave me a pound tip, while another gave me her address and told me to drop in for some eggnog over the C
hristmas period. I was flattered and preening myself until Twinks bitchily said she was probably clinically insane and out on licence. He’s a cruel little devil at times.

  Him in frocks was gutted last night when Jimmy Osmond got voted out of the ‘I’m a Celebrity’ jungle. My words of comfort fell on deaf ears. It didn’t matter that he’d got into the final four and that no one had a bad word for him. Twinks had taken the kind, good-natured American Mormon from the biggest Boy Band in the history of the world to his heart and therefore he should have WON. He voted every evening for him, twice nightly sometimes if I wasn’t vigilant. Lulu said he respected Jimmy, but he wanted soap star Sid Owen to win as he felt he’d really proven himself. Twinkles said he only wanted Sid to win because he fantasised about being shagged by him and it wasn’t going to happen, because DU-OH, he was straight! Twinks was inclined to hold Lulu responsible for Jimmy being voted out. In the end my jungle induced headache got between them and told them if they didn’t stop bickering, it would vote them both out of the jungle and onto the history channel.

  Our friend Sandra phoned for a chat. I say chat but it was more like a rabid tirade and my left ear was numb by the time she rang off. She’s angry about the media attention surrounding the impending Civil Partnership Act. She contacted the local newspaper and demanded to know why every article they’d run about the Act had only concentrated on gay men. She pointed out that gay men were not the only F***ing Fruits on the F***ing planet and she was sick to death of the assumption that only those with a dick and balls had a right to a place in the Gay Universe and it ought to be remembered that women, lesbian, bi and straight had fought just as hard for gay rights as their F***ing male counterparts. The way they were being ignored and discounted was equal to the way the female supporters of Jesus had been discounted in days of yore. It was a fact that he wouldn’t have got far without the support, courage and backing of women and where had that got them in the Church today, huh? Not very F***ing far at all, that’s where! She finished with the damning and sweeping declaration that F***ing gay men were GAY CHAUVINIST PIGS…no offence, Tarn poppet. We love you and Twinkles. I was relieved to hear it. For a while there I worried we might be on a lesbian hit list.

  I suspected that hormonal imbalance might be playing a part in Sandy’s rage. She and Val are trying for a baby. They’ve been getting sperm donations for home insemination over the Internet. There’s a special website for Lesbians. It’s a very expensive procedure and I know the second attempt has just failed and possibly Sandra was gearing up for another go. Val confirmed it when she finally managed to persuade Sandra to let go of the phone and go for a nice quiet lie down. I hope it works out for them, I really do. They’re a lovely couple when their hormones are in balance. Twinkles wanted to investigate the idea of being a sperm donor, but I very quickly nipped that idea in the bud. He would never be able to remain detached. He’s too emotional and the thought that there might be a child of his out there would consume him. He thinks it would be great if men had a womb because then they could get themselves pregnant.

  I didn’t sleep well last night. I ended up hunched over a cup of chamomile tea, which I loath, at half past two in the morning feeling very disgruntled with life. I was thinking about my mother. She’s never exactly been Mary Baker’s twin sister, but she has always been a warm and loving entity in my life. She was there through all the trials and tribulations of my turbulent teenage years shocking me with her knowledge of life, which just goes to show how arrogant youth is, imagining it knows more than the people who have gone before them. I’m not ready to face the loss of a parent. The death of my nana has been hard enough to take on board. Comforting arms suddenly slipped around my neck and Twinkles’ told me everything was going to be all right, he just knew it was, and I had to believe him because he was the wise and magic fairy. We snuggled on the couch watching Moulin Rouge, agreeing that Ewan McGregor’s rendition of Elton John’s ‘Your Song’ is the best there’s been to date.

  News from Mum’s Consultant was good today. He was pleased to confirm there were no signs of cancer cells having spread beyond the cervix. He gave her the option of Wednesday or Friday this week for surgery. She’s chosen Wednesday. I’d better go. Lulu has insisted on helping Twinkles make dinner this evening and the latter is getting shrill. He’s screeching something about putting Lu’s fingers in the blender if he attempts to ‘pep’ up his pasta sauce.

  7th December 2005:

  A Here Kind Of Queer Gets Nominated

  Mum went into hospital last night. She was scheduled for the first operation in theatre this morning. I gave her a lift and once she’d sorted out her admission forms with the nurse, who regretted asking her how many units of alcohol she consumed per week (I think that’s my business, young lady. I haven’t asked you how much you drink) Twinks and I sat keeping her company. She gave me a list detailing the whereabouts of her insurance policies and her will. She told me that all the Christmas presents were wrapped and labelled in the spare bedroom, and she’d like me to make sure they got distributed. There was a pile of Christmas cards all addressed and stamped on the kitchen table and there was a letter each for Maryann and I, only to be read in the event of her death. Twinks lost patience, snapping ‘for frigs sake, Joan, stop being such a drama queen! You’re not going to die under the knife. You’re not having brain surgery. And anyway, you’re more likely to die from postoperative infection and the attentions of that killer microbe thingy.’ I could have slapped his bottom for reminding her of that. She glared back and told him that when it came to being a drama queen he could Royal Highness it for RADA. She then said she’d bequeathed him her living room curtains in her will, the ones he insulted last Christmas. She said if she did die she was going to come back and haunt him. He then demanded to know the whereabouts of the receipt for his Christmas present, because he was bound to dislike it. She said she hadn’t bought him a Christmas present this year because she’s sick of him always carping and bitching about what she bought.

  Fortunately Priscilla turned up before their bickering could escalate into a handbags fight. I decided we should leave them alone together. Our leaving was delayed when on kissing mum goodbye, Twinks suddenly had an attack of the drama queen vapours and had to have a lie down on the bed next to his battleaxe mum-in-law. He begged her to do her best not to peg out under the anaesthetic. The other patients, with whom mum is sharing the four-bedded room, lost their battle not to ‘stare’ at that point. Twinks of course caught their attention the moment he passed through the ward door. He was dressed in his favourite pink jeans and a rainbow motif t-shirt that had the words ‘I’m A Here Kind Of Queer’ picked out in multi-colour sequins. He was also wearing a pair of red patent high heels. The arrival of Priscilla, in his sensible Marks and Spencer twin set and pearl ensemble did nothing to alleviate the general staring in our direction. I was glad to get home.

  The op went according to plan this morning and mum is recovering as well as can be expected. We’re going to pop over to the hospital to see her very soon.

  It was Lulu’s turn to be gutted last Monday night when his fantasy boyfriend Sid got voted out of the jungle. Words of comfort fell upon deaf ears. He didn’t care that Sid had made it to the final three or that everyone thought he was a great lad, charming, funny, brave, calming and with a knock out smile. It wasn’t enough. He should have WON! In fact if there were any justice he would be gay and attached to Lulu’s right arm. The hall phone rang and we let the answer machine pick it up. It was Sandy calling to say, ‘I bet you’ve switched channels now that all the men are out of the jungle, because women don’t count do they? Especially not to egocentric, selfish, ghetto-minded male homo’s!’ Deeply insulted by her cynicism we hastily switched back to ITV to watch the finale of ‘I’m A Celebrity’ and see who was crowned Queen of the Jungle.

  Twinkles reckons if he’d been asked to take part he would have been crowned Queen of the Jungle over Carol Thatcher. He’s considering writing to Ant and Dec
and suggesting they do a transgender version of the show, but on the understanding it would have to be without insects and other creepy crawlies. It would certainly make interesting viewing, especially when the queens all got round the campfire and started ripping verbal chunks out of one another.

  Snippet of conversation with Frank on the way out to work on Tuesday morning, ‘well, let’s face it lads, that Carol is one of us. She’s the type of man that made Britain Great, mad as a box of frogs and got more balls than a platoon of Commandos.’

  Lulu went to view a new flat this afternoon. He’s decided he can’t face going back to his old place. He would never be able to settle or feel safe again. I thought it was a sensible decision and I’m pleased to see him trying to move on from the experience. He’s seen a counsellor a few times and it’s helped a lot. He’s more inclined to place anger where it belongs now, with the man who assaulted him. I haven’t been able to budge him on reporting the attack. His sense of personal humiliation is too overwhelming. He didn’t like the flat he viewed today, it was too dark and dingy, but he’s got a few more lined up. I must admit fond, as I am of Lulu, I’ll be glad when it’s just two for dinner and breakfast again.