Swan Songs

by Swan, Tarn

  I resumed my Christmas card writing session in the sitting room, so I could keep an eye on the grass skirted duo. I asked why they were dressed as they were dressed. They’d been practising a number from South Pacific because Cherie Pie wants to include it in her medley from the big musicals slot this coming weekend. Twinkles bitchily said that if Cherie got any fatter she’d be declared a new Pacific island and Fiji would try to claim sovereignty. Understandably Lu was interested only in the topic of hair, his hair. He said, tearfully, ‘I can’t visit my parents looking like this. My dad will think I’m on the game or something. He’s old fashioned about peroxide blondes. He thinks they’re all pro’s.’

  I said, ‘don’t worry. I’m sure the hairdresser will sort you out.’

  Twinkles said, ‘I’m not so sure. Peroxide is funny stuff. I think you have to leave it for a few weeks before applying anything else or your hair falls out.’

  Lulu, breaking into frenzied sobs, said, ‘I can’t go around looking like this for a few weeks. When I put my leather jacket on I’ll look like a Biker’s Bitch. I’ll have gangs of Hell’s Angels following me to work.’

  I said, ‘be quiet, Jonathan, you’re not helping.’

  Lulu wept.

  Mr sensitive said, ‘for frigs sake will you give it a rest. It’s not as if you haven’t got plenty of wigs to put on. Have a drink or something, calm your nerves.’

  Lulu said, ‘I don’t want a drink. I want to look the way I looked before you made me look like a cheap tart.’

  Twinkles said, ‘oh stop moaning and look on the bright side, everyone loves a bimbo. I reckon if you walk into a bar looking like that you’ll get more phone numbers stuffed in your pockets than is in the yellow pages. You’ll have dates coming out of your ears, now that would be a trick worth seeing.’

  Lulu (abruptly ceasing to cry) said, ‘do you really think so? What time is it, have we got time to get ready and nip down to the Moby Grape for a few drinks?’

  Twinkles said, ‘only if you promise to cut me in on any profits you make.’

  I won’t transcribe what Lulu said.

  His hair looks a lot better this evening. He consulted a hairdresser and they managed to return it to something resembling his normal gold-brown colour, so he’s much happier. He’s gone off to the pictures with Kev. Twinks is also out. He met Barbara for pizza and a drink. He hasn’t seen much of her since the canal boat debacle. He was looking forward to hearing how her nursing career was progressing and giving her an update about shop life since she jumped ship. We had a mild altercation about money again. I gave him a choice. He either accepted the limit I set for him or he stayed in. I’m glad he accepted. I need the peace and quiet. After talking with Teddy yesterday he’s been on my bones about redecorating the hall after the firework attack…Teddy says this, Teddy says we should do it in this colour, Teddy says, blah, blah, Teddy, blah, blah. I get sick to death of hearing about Teddy and Maurice’s house. I’ve refused to consider decorating until after Christmas. I’m just not in the mood for décor disruption.

  It’s almost half past eleven and Twinks still isn’t back. I’m getting anxious in view of what happened last time he went out with Babs. It’s silly, especially as he’s text me several times to give me the low down on where he is. I won’t be happy until he walks through the door.

  16th December 2005:

  To Beloved And Not To Beloved

  It has not been an auspicious day. Some idiot pranged my car on the way home from work this evening. I pulled up at a set of lights and he ran into the back of me. I couldn’t believe it. He was very apologetic and admitted it was his fault for paying more attention to changing a CD than to what was going on in the road in front of him. The damage isn’t too bad, a cracked taillight and a dented bumper, but I was still annoyed. He said not to worry because it was my lucky day. He was in the business, the garage business that is. He’d fix me up no charge. He smiled like I was supposed to be grateful. He gave me his card and told me to call in at my convenience and he’d sort out the damage, priority. I still insisted on being given his insurance details. He seemed genuine, but you never know. Anyway I was pretty irritated by it and not in the best of moods when I got home. My irritation stepped up a notch when I found an empty house and no one to moan to. It was Twinks day off and I knew he’d arranged to baby-sit Dominic while Karen got her hair cut this afternoon, but I’d expected him to be home by the time I got in. As we parted on poor terms this morning, it crossed my mind that he might be staying longer at Karen’s to show he was still vexed with me.

  Our falling out was once again over money. He wanted more. I refused because he’d had his allowance for the week including a bit extra to go out with Babs. He gave me a dirty look and said he wasn’t asking for the earth, all he wanted was a few extra pounds of his own money. What for? He wanted to buy Dominic some chocolate buttons when he took him out for a walk. I told him he shouldn’t be buying Dominic sweet rubbish because it was fostering bad habits. Besides with him not being at work the money he would normally have used to buy lunch was more than ample to buy a packet of buttons. He got shirty then. He’d already spent the piddling lunch money I allowed him and not just today’s but Saturday’s too. All he wanted was a few more pounds, if that wasn’t too much trouble? It was and I said so. If he’d been unwise enough to spend all his allowance in one fell swoop instead of making it last out the week, as we’d discussed and planned, then it was his look out. He would just have to take sandwiches to work tomorrow, because he was not getting a penny more. Fine! He’d tell Dominic that nasty uncle Tarn begrudged him some sweets. I was cool with that, saying that when he grew up with all his teeth intact Dom would thank me for it. Twinkles said he never would have believed I could be such a hard bastard and refused to kiss me goodbye.

  Was I being hard? I gave it some thought and decided no. I’d made clear from the start that if he used up his entire budget before the end of the week then there would be no more. I had a good suspicion about what he might have spent the money on. We got a Christmas card from Teddy and Maurice on Thursday morning, one of Harrods finest and most expensive. It was a beautiful affair with a Holly design composed of twisted gold wire and frosted crystals. Naturally the cards I had bought were not good enough for T&M. He wanted money to buy one of the designer range stocked by Strickland and Holt to send in return. I refused. The cards I had bought were perfectly nice and he could either choose one or not bother. If Twinkles had not been under restriction I would have had no say in what cards he purchased with his own money. As things stood the decision was mine to make, and I refused to hand over six quid to buy a bit of fancy tat destined to gather dust and be thrown away. It was a ridiculous waste of money and he’d wasted enough money with Teddy’s encouragement.

  I was filling the kettle to make some tea when the phone rang. It was Karen to tell me that Twinks had left his mobile behind. She’d just discovered Dominic using it as a teething aid. We chatted a bit and she said she’d met a couple of childminders she quite liked. A friend had recommended another one that she was going to check out as soon as she could. She then said she hoped Dom hadn’t been too much for Twinkles, as he’d seemed strained when she got back from the hairdressers. He’d refused a lift home saying he fancied some exercise so he’d walk. It’s a long walk from Karen’s to our house and if he’d gone via the park and Green it would be longer still, so I wasn’t too concerned that he wasn’t yet home.

  When he still hadn’t made an appearance by dinnertime I began to fret. Lulu told me not to worry because knowing Twinks he’d probably detoured to do some shopping and I knew what he was like once he got in a shop, especially at this time of year. It needed security to get him out. Seeing as I knew that Twinkles had no money for shopping the intended words of comfort failed to do their job. I pulled on my coat and went out to look for him. I walked through the park and then around the Green, but there was no sign of him. I rang mum to see if he was there, but he wasn’t and nor was he a
t Val’s or at Brian’s or at any of our friends.

  I got back home and was on the verge of calling the police to demand they pour all resources into locating my partner when to my utter relief I heard his key in the lock. I darted into the hall and demanded to know where the hell he’d been? His temper flared and he accused me of being a pernickety pain in the arse and if I had no fucking objections he was going to bed because he was tired…or did he now have to ask permission to be tired? I was taken aback to say the least. I’d asked a reasonable question and I expected a reasonable answer. I said so. He ran upstairs shouting that I was always finding fault with him and he was sick to death of me. The bedroom door slammed. Lulu cautiously ventured into the hall and asked if I wanted him to clear out for a bit? I told him I would appreciate a little time alone with Twinkles, as something had obviously upset him. He gathered some stuff together and went over to Kevin’s to get ready to go out to the PP.

  By the time I got upstairs Twinkles was dragging off his clothes. Closing the bedroom door I leaned against it and folded my arms, watching him. He was wound so tight he was almost vibrating. I asked what was wrong. He told me not to call him sweetheart and said nothing was wrong. He was tired and he wanted to go to bed and be left in peace. Fine, but first I wanted an explanation for where he’d been. He’d been to Lulu’s flat and made a start on packing some of his stuff into boxes ready for whenever he moved out. Someone had to do it seeing as Lulu wouldn’t go near the place. I asked why he hadn’t called to let me know he was there. He’d left his mobile at Karen’s. I pointed out that Lulu’s flat had a perfectly good phone he could have used. He hadn’t felt like talking to me. I got on his nerves. I was always nagging about things and no doubt I’d have told him off for going to the flat alone. He was right. I wasn’t happy about him being at the flat on his own, but did that make me a bad person? I cared about him.

  Pulling on a kimono he said he’d never asked me to care about him. He wanted to be left alone and he also wanted to go to the bathroom so could I move away from the door. I said not until he told me what was bothering him, because something certainly was. I was bothering him by blocking the doorway and if I didn’t move my carcass he would have no alternative but to piss up my leg. I moved and so did he, very quickly across the room to the bed where he ended up over my knee with his kimono bunched around his waist and my hand poised ready to begin reddening his bare bottom. The action was enough to release the tempest he had been building within him. He began crying before I landed a single slap. I righted him and he put his arms round my neck sobbing inconsolably. Wrapping my arms around his waist I held him until he calmed.

  He had every right to be upset. When he took Dominic out for a walk this afternoon he passed the cemetery and suddenly realised that it was almost the first anniversary of his father’s death. He bought flowers and decided to pay his respects at the grave. It’s been a long while since he visited and there is now a proper headstone erected to replace the simple plot marker. There is no mention of a son named Jonathan on the headstone of Richard Lane. It states he was a devoted husband to Margaret and a beloved father to Caroline and Jennifer. Twinkles felt like he’d been stabbed in the heart. There were the names of his family, minus his name, as if he had never come into being. It confirmed all the feelings he’d ever had of not belonging, of not being wanted or beloved. He was so angry he wanted to vandalise the stone, kick it over, smash it, but he couldn’t do anything, because he had Dom with him and it would have frightened him. On leaving Karen’s he went to Lulu’s instead of coming home, because he wanted to stay angry for as long as he could, he wanted to dwell on his thoughts in isolation. He also wanted to call his grandfather’s house to speak to his bitch of a mother, and he knew I wouldn’t let him. So he did it from Lulu’s. She answered the phone and predictably hung up the moment she heard his voice, thus completing his hurt and humiliation.

  If only we had the power to make the world move the way we want it to move. I would give Twinkles happy memories of childhood and a family who loved him without condition, because love should never come with conditions attached. He’s sleeping now. He’s absolutely wrung out. I despise his grandfather and mother. How can they treat him so cruelly, why must they hurt and torment him. Cold-blooded bastards.

  18th December 2005:

  Wanted

  WANTED: kind home for highly-strung part time drag queen, comes complete with all accessories, makeup, wigs, clothes and shoes. Needs lots of love, attention, patience, admiration and applause. Has some bad habits and can be fractious, naughty and wilful, so also needs a firm hand to prevent him getting too out of control. He’s very hard work, but worth it. Reason for parting: Sheer exhaustion!

  19th December 2005:

  My Moody Little Mare

  I wouldn’t really part with Twinkles. I’d miss him too much, though I confess there have been a few moments this weekend when I could have quite happily sold him to gay slave-traders in exchange for a wad of luncheon vouchers and a nice tin of biscuits.

  He was very moody on Saturday, which was no less than I expected given his upset of Friday. He came down from the high mountain of emotional intensity to the lower plains of bitter resentment. I’m familiar with the pattern now. He finds fault with everything and everyone, especially those he loves best. Not because he really wants to hurt us, but because in a roundabout way he’s confirming he’s not a very nice person and is therefore unworthy of his family’s respect and affection. It’s a mode of emotional self-harm. There will always be a part of him waiting for their approval and when it doesn’t come he damns himself. They made him responsible for their failings, their stance being…if you were different/better, then we would love you. I realise that I’ve been very lucky compared not only to Twinks, but also other of my gay friends and acquaintances when it comes to family acceptance, so I try to be patient and understanding at times like this. It isn’t always easy. He can be very, very difficult until he works things out of his system.

  He started as soon as he woke up on Saturday morning, pushing me away when I tried to kiss him. I had bad breath, he claimed, and it was making him feel sick so I could give up any ideas of presenting my sceptre to this particular queen. I told him that his breath hardly smelled of Parma violets first thing on a morning and that while I understood he was hurting, it didn’t give him carte blanche to make everyone else feel wretched and miserable. I gave up trying to woo him and went off to spank the monkey in the bathroom prior to showering.

  He was bitchy to Lulu at breakfast, telling him to stop chuntering on and on about who was wearing what at the PP on Friday night, because it was giving him a bloody headache. Lulu retorted that it made a change from Twinks giving him one. If he didn’t stop being such a cow he wouldn’t buy that reindeer after all. Twinkles shot a shut up look across the table, but of course my ears had immediately pricked up at that snippet. I enquired about the reindeer. It was of course our old friend the mechanical life size, twinkling bambi. And why was Lulu thinking of buying bambi when he didn’t have a house or garden to display him? It was a gift for Twinkles and I. Why? By way of thanks for taking him in and housing him free of charge since his misfortune. It didn’t need a detective to work out who had inserted that idea into the fluffy space between Lu’s ears. I was disgusted. I smiled and told Lulu that it was our pleasure to have helped him out. He was our dear friend and part of our family and as such we couldn’t possibly accept such an expensive gift. I wanted him to put it right out of his mind. After looking somewhat doubtfully at Twinkles he said, ‘are you sure, Twinkles said you’d really like it?’ I said I was absolutely certain and I suspected he might have misread Twinkles’ intention with regard to suggesting the reindeer as a gift.

  Twinkles, catching the subzero look in my eyes, confirmed this was so. Getting up from the table he accused Lulu of always misreading his intentions. It was very hurtful. All he’d said was that it would make someone a lovely gift. It was simply a passing comment. Lulu
gave a smile of pure relief and said he was glad because the reindeer was a bit on the pricey side and his motorbike payment was due this week. He couldn’t afford both. Twinkles announced his intention to shower and walked sedately from the kitchen. I sedately followed.

  Once in the hall he shed his mules, hitched up his feather-trimmed peignoir and rocketed up the stairs two at a time with me hot on his heels. I collared him on the landing and ushered him into the bathroom. The combination of closed door, running power shower and flushing toilet were effective enough in masking the sounds of deep disapproval being spanked onto my bad boy’s bottom for trying to emotionally blackmail a friend into buying him an expensive ornament that I’d forbidden him. He tearfully rubbed his bum claiming he’d been joking and hadn’t meant Lulu to take him seriously. It wasn’t his fault he had a best friend with Pot Noodles for brains. I shook a finger in his face and told him he’d behaved disgracefully and if he so much as mentioned those wretched reindeer again I would take the rice paddle to his backside.

  Sandwiches proved to be another source of disgruntlement. As Christmas creeps closer, Twinkles job gets busier and busier. He’s lucky if he finds time to grab ten minutes for a coffee never mind anything more elaborate, so I tend not to meet him on a Saturday for lunch. I therefore reminded him to make some sandwiches to take to work. He declared there was nothing he fancied in the fridge and he would prefer money to buy something. I disagreed. There was plenty to choose from in the fridge and if he wouldn’t pick something I would. He wouldn’t, so I did. I made ham and pease pudding sandwiches, which I know he likes. He bemoaned my harshness and his lack of financial freedom all the way to work. I’m afraid I lost my cool and sharply told him to shut up, because he had no one but himself to blame for his predicament. I didn’t want to hear one more complaint from him. He stormed out of the car slamming the door hard behind him after telling me, as far as he was concerned, Christmas was cancelled this year. I’d spoiled it for him. I was a hateful brute. I drove home feeling like an amalgamation of The Grinch and Scrooge in his pre-conversion days…Tarn the Grooge.