The Ultimate Guide to Kink

by Tristan Taormino

  Talk a little, fuck a lot, talk some more. Be ready to use your words during your sex—this is where the other part of the conversation can happen. You pin him down, sitting on his belly, and bite his nipple slow and hard. Pause, ask, “Is this okay? You like it? You feel so good under me.”

  It’s important to realize, however, that new lovers can’t rely solely on during-sex talk—ego and fear of rejection or disapproval easily skew communication. Even if you’ve been together a long time, you’re still (or sometimes more) susceptible to the challenges of being clear and accurate about needs and wants during sex. Longtime lovers’ dynamics may be so engrained that in-bed talk proves to be insufficient. Maybe you’ve been together a while and you want your sex to be less predictable and more primal. She’s a great lover, but you feel that something’s missing. Maybe it’s a general attitude shift you ache for. Lots of people want their partners to be more domineering—run the show, make decisions, be more aggressive. Other folks want to turn the tables on what have become established roles. How lovers discuss potentially thorny topics (politics, finances, family, etc.) is generally how they will approach talking about sex; the more skilled the communicators, the better the sex.

  The more you know what you want, the easier it is to put it out there. However, if you have a narrow set of ideas that must happen or a specific script that must be followed, you cut your partner out of the decision-making process. Stay open to ideas and changes. Start by talking about what turns you on about your partner’s body, her sex responses, and your sex together. Yes, talking so specifically about sex can feel risky and vulnerable. This becomes further compounded when you articulate your desire for taboo or aggressive sex; it’s intellectually and emotionally confusing to crave this with the same person you hold to be solid and safe.

  Watch. Listen. Talk.

  “Let’s get real—talking does not equal spontaneity.”

  Are you someone who believes that rough sex means just going for it? I get it. Going for it is hot. Theoretically. Suppose you serve a beautiful candlelit dinner complete with soufflé to your date only to discover she’s allergic to eggs. You worked hard but you both end up feeling kinda crappy—and hungry. The ambience is still wonderful, but had you (even briefly) talked about what food you eat and love, the feasting might have lasted long into the night. Or you meet at a party, you talk, you flirt, you lean in and say, “I want to slam into you, bring you to your knees, and make you forget there’s a god” and your prey looks at you, smiling, and holds out his hand to you. (a) You’re a lucky dog. (b) You two just communicated a common desire. You talked. And it’s still spontaneous.

  Without any kind of preliminary talk, if you just “go for it” you might get your rocks off, but will you please your lover? Will you hurt your lover? How will you know? If both of you don’t care (though determining this is difficult at best), more power to you—really, I support this fully. Hopefully there won’t be any physical or emotional fallout later.

  Most people, however, do care how each other feels. But if you ask your date during your passionate sex if he wants and likes what’s going on, you might not get a truthful answer, out of shyness or reluctance to offend. With new lovers especially, once the action gets hot, fair and equal negotiation is harder to come by, especially on the first or second date. (Hell, it’s hard enough with long-term lovers.) Each of you is trying to impress and suss out the other, bringing your best game and sexiest moves; nerves mar perception. The power imbalance exists—and it’s tipped toward the one who’s doing the roughing up. Even willing participants have tough times speaking up if something is going awry; no one wants to be seen as a prude or a wimp. A little talk before you get busy can change all that.

  And you know what? Right now you can commit to speaking honestly and simply and not accusatorily about what you want and don’t want. Owning your stuff—figuring out how to communicate—frees us in every aspect of our lives. Do it—you don’t have to live anything but a shiny, bold life.

  ROLES, CHANGE, AND CONFIDENCE

  Let’s say you want to be submissive but your partner isn’t confident or comfortable in a dominating role. What to do? Is your partner into the idea but doesn’t know where to start? Have you brought it up in the past and it’s fallen flat? You might have a good idea of what your submissive role looks and sounds like—maybe you’ve fantasized about it often enough that you have a specific sexy script or two. This is perfect for masturbation but not always successful for coupling up. Tell your partner you want to explore her being more dominating. Some specifics are needed and then the parlay begins.

  Experimentation works far better than expectations. She doesn’t need to run out and buy a big flogger or have you kneeling tonight and calling her Mistress (though she might). Instead, the two of you come up with a list of what the action might look like, including your fantasies. Start simple—she sits on top of you and pins your arms to your sides with her knees, not letting you touch her or her cunt. Keep it playful. Though there is no guarantee your partner will ever be as dominant as you fantasize or will wield sexual power over you in the ways your fantasies map out, there is no guarantee that she won’t either. Stay open—surprise each other.

  Perhaps your partner has asked you to take on a role you don’t usually take. First, ask yourself, do you want to take on the role? Or is this solely your partner’s desire? If indeed you want to try a new role or position, keep your mind open as to what it might be. Is it a generic positioning (I want you to dominate me) or is it a specific role (you’re the school principal and I’m the troublemaker student). If your partner, say, wants you to initiate and dominate when you have mostly been the receiver or equal, talk with her—get details and examples. The fact that you’re already talking about it means you’re off to a good, sexy start. The fantasy in your partner’s head can help, but it can also hinder if she is too attached to the specifics and trying to fit you to them. If parts of the description resonate with you, start with one or two actions and weave them into your sex. If a role feels too cookie-cutter or stereotyped and doesn’t ring true for you, neither of you may get much pleasure from it.

  Take five minutes on your own and (yep, corny) write down everything you think of when you imagine that role. Don’t edit. You might find laughter or goofiness on that list. Leave a sex toy, panties, or other piece of clothing with instructions for your lover. Email, text, IM, snail mail, write notes, or Skype your provocative invitations. Whatever resonates in you is where you begin your exploration of any new role. Let it grow and morph from there. If and when you get stuck, write as often as it’s useful. And whatever else you uncover, remember that desire and consent are the cornerstones of all rough sex.

  ACTIVITIES, IDEAS, AND TECHNIQUES

  You’ve talked, you’ve fantasized, you’ve plotted and conspired. Now what? Some activities that meet under the large umbrella that is rough sex include: face slapping, biting, hitting, pushing, pounding penetration, denying touch or orgasm, spitting, punching, spanking, gagging, name calling, and bondage. Folks also like to control-kiss, choke, and push or shove a bottom down on the bed, slam a bottom against a wall, pinch nipples, balls, and labia, grab and squeeze thighs/ ass/upper arms/wrists, pull hair, force a bottom’s face into a pillow, control breathing, talk smut, rip off clothing, and claim “ownership” of someone. Here are some delicious tips, ideas, techniques, and safety precautions you can incorporate into your rough sex play.

  Restraining Your Lover

  It’s a huge turn-on when a guy is pinning you down and you can just tell how bad he wants you. When it gets to that point where it feels like if you don’t get that person you’re seriously going to die on that bed, it’s hot. It’s needing someone in a really different way. And it’s insanely hot when you can see a guy feeling that way. Even if it’s only sex—not love or commitment or anything like that. It’s all about that moment. And the only thing he wants is you and he is seriously rabid to have you.

  —Chasi
ng the Jersey1

  Tied spread-eagled to a headboard. Hands holding down arms. Pinned against a crumbling alley wall. Struggling to get free. Bondage and restraints. Our fantasies and sex are filled with all that and more. Luckily, this book has a chapter by Midori on how to do bondage and do it well. Let’s just touch on a just a few elements of restraint.

  For all the reasons why rough sex is so prevalent and hot, the taboo desire to be held captive, without control or knowledge of what might happen to you, engages us just as fiercely. To deny someone (or to be denied of) something you really want, when you know you will get it sooner or later, can be sweet torture. Especially when the prize is sex.

  Scarves, ties, rope, chain, leather belts, stockings, bedsheets—the materials that can be used to bind a lover are as endless as your imagination. Some are better than others, however. Silk scarves, though sensuous, knot quickly, easily, but are hell to unknot. Cheap handcuffs close further than they should and often get stuck. (Plus, “Oh my God! Where’s the key?” is the last thing you want to hear.) Both of these kinds of restraints can dig into wrists and ankles and cut off circulation; they should be avoided. If you do use scarves or other fabric to bind wrists or ankles, have medical or bandage scissors ready—they have a flat side intended to slide between the bind and the skin without hurting while cutting the bind. If you use handcuffs, pin the key(s) on a nearby bulletin board, curtain, or door frame; don’t leave them on the bedside table.

  No matter what you tie your lover to—a bed, table, steering wheel, or tent stakes—make sure you’ve got the means to release your willing prey easily and quickly. This is also a great time for both of you to be ready to use a safeword or gesture in case of fear, pain, or emergency.

  But you don’t need “stuff” to keep someone where you want him. The craving to be physically controlled can be managed by placing your knees, hands, feet, and body onto your lover in strategic positions. Avoid joint-to-joint pressure (for instance, your knees on his wrists); aim rather for the more muscular and meatier parts of the body, such as forearms and thighs. Using your legs, knees, and feet to press on him frees up your hands to slap, punch, fuck, stroke, or get busy with a dildo and harness. And don’t limit yourself to the bedroom: there are perfectly good walls, floors, picnic tables, trees, bathroom stalls, and movie seats aching for your play.

  And finally, one of the most powerful methods of restraint doesn’t use any physical means at all. It’s your voice. “Keep that pretty mouth open.” “I don’t want to see you looking at me.” “Good boy, you’re sitting exactly where I left you.” When both people are into it, this is intoxicating.

  Hair Pulling

  Weave your hand into a fist in the hair underneath the back of the head. Hold and pull by the roots. Grabbing any other part of the hair can cause the hair to rip from the scalp, causing distracting, undesired pain. You can lead your lover where you want her by this technique. If the receiver is on top, this is a great way to tip your willing prey back to fuck deeply. Use caution; don’t jerk the neck or head.

  Spitting

  In some cultures, spitting is seen as the deepest of insults. Regardless of where you live, spitting saliva on or at someone is disgusting at worst or humiliating at best. Yes, I said at best. There are lots of people whose kink has them hungry to be objectified, humiliated, and degraded in a sexy context. Desiring this is not a mark of low self-esteem as long as the parties involved don’t let this dynamic leak into nonsex situations. Spitting on or getting spit in the face, on the chest or breasts, or in the mouth are the definition of sexy to more people than you might imagine. Sometimes simply because it is considered so unacceptable, the shock of this unpredictable act can cement a sought-after power dynamic into place.

  Some folks use saliva as lube—forget it. It dries up quickly and does nothing for the receiver. It might work to ease some friction for a hand job on a penis or dildo, but that’s about where its usefulness ends. Saliva itself is not known to carry HIV. It is possible, however, to transmit STIs if there is blood in the saliva due to cuts or sores in the mouth.

  As with every other sex activity in this book, don’t knock it if you’ve never tried it. You never know…

  Rough Blow Jobs

  Blow jobs on a cock or dildo can be filthy hot and can be used in rough sex in endless ways. For example: • Steer his head by his hair as he sucks your dick. Lift his mouth off you to spit on his face, kiss his pretty mouth, slap his face, tell him how good a job he’s doing, what a worthless whore he is and not worth the money you’ve given him. Let him breathe as you gently stroke his face. Rinse and repeat.

  • Pin her head against the wall or floor, or tell her to lie on her back, her head draped over the side of the bed. Fuck her face. Make her masturbate at the same time.

  • Bind him to a chair by his hands and feet, legs spread wide. Suck his cock, bringing him almost to climax but not quite. Let him squirm against the butt plug.

  • Put a butt plug in your ass and another one in his and because you both love to share, suck each other off simultaneously.

  Deep Throat

  Sometimes considered the holy grail by both the giver (the sucker) and receiver (the suckee), taking someone’s cock fully in your mouth down to the balls is definitely hot, both physically and visually. It’s also not always physiologically possible. The length, shape, and thickness of the cock or dildo and how wide the jaw can open are important considerations. To avoid gagging, drop the back of your palate as if your throat was yawning. Can’t or don’t want to take that big thing in your mouth? Wrap one hand around the base of the shaft and push your mouth down only far enough to meet your hand. This is a great visual, it jerks him off at the same time, and the giver only takes what she can in her throat. Winners, all.

  Some people like to gag; they really get off on the gagging sounds, seeing the tears from the giver’s eyes as the air is choked out of him, and the long threads of spit and mucus that trail from the head of a cock when a gagger’s mouth is pulled back and off the cock. One fetish includes making the giver vomit as well.

  Biting

  I love kissing and biting. Gently, sweetly, firmly, menacingly. I love to bite the tongue, the lips—both inside and outside. I love to run my open mouth against the sides and top of my lover’s head—teeth pressing firm and solid. I love to bite the cheeks and neck, back, calves, feet—anything, everything—forcing my lover to wonder, shuddering, what I might do next. I love to find a wide part of flesh, and slowly close my lips and mouth and press my teeth deep, not hard enough to break skin—but just enough to leave my mark.

  You’d think our mouths only had tongues, lips, and gums when it comes to sex. Let’s change that.

  Teeth are toys you carry with you all the time. Nipping, nibbling, teeth dragging, and lots of variations of biting can be part of your sex vocabulary. Hold off on the slurping, lip smacking, or steady chewing—trust me, not so sexy. As with all other techniques I’ve discussed, start gently. The more you warm up someone’s flesh, the longer and perhaps deeper they will be able to go. The longer you maintain the bite, the more pain is registered. The smaller the area of skin that is pressed between the teeth, the more painful it is. Givers, be random yet conscious of what, where, and how you bite. Receivers: Ask your lover to bite you. Pay attention to how much you can receive and where it feels best, and don’t be bashful about telling your partner when something feels wonderful or horrid.

  Biting can mark or break the skin, leaving teeth marks and bruises. Unless you and your partner are fluid-bonded—you are aware of each other’s HIV and STI test results and agree to exchange bodily fluids—don’t draw blood. This isn’t about vampirism (though that’s a sexy fetish, for sure). Any STI that can be transmitted through blood can be transferred through biting. Even kissing carries risks of infection, including hepatitis A, hepatitis B, and herpes.

  It’s pretty common for biting and sucking to go together, aka biting with hickeys. Check in about marks before
or during your sex tumble; a few simple words (“Are marks okay?”) usually will do the trick. But remember, once the adrenalin and endorphins kick in, it’s easy to get “sex-stupid” and say yes to everything. Have the “marks” chat before or early in the game. If you don’t know that marks are okay, avoid leaving them. And, right, there are no guarantees. Just make sure either that your partner doesn’t have that family beach reunion tomorrow or that he wants to wear the memory of your chompers with pride.

  Full-mouth biting is sensuous personified. Very light can tickle, very heavy can be excruciating. Find meaty or soft spots like arms, breasts, pecs, the back of the neck, and the ass. Use extra awareness and caution with the side of the neck (those tendons can hurt in that bad way), taut muscles, bone, the genitals, the inner thighs, and the face.

  Finally, biting doesn’t have to hurt but it can—a lot. Each of us has a different pain threshold. Watch your partner, and if it is your wont, play on the edge of what she can take. If she says stop, you stop. Use a safeword. Here are some ideas: • Drag your teeth across the shoulder, thigh, belly, back, breast, top of head (hair and all), butt. Vary the speed and depth of the drag.

  • Bite slowly and repeatedly in the same place, building tension and depth.

  • Open your mouth wide and press it against the meaty flesh of your choice (back, belly, ass). Slowly sink your teeth in. Close your mouth slowly and steadily, pressing, gripping, and holding. You can let off the pressure, but don’t release the bite. You can also gently shake your head, as a lion shakes its kill. Your partner will swoon, ache, throb, squirm. Your goal isn’t necessarily to inflict pain but to cause such out-of-the-ordinary, exquisite sensations that his head begins to pop off.