The Rubber Band/The Red Box 2-In-1

by Rex Stout

  Mrs. Frost said quietly, “I asked you to sit down in my house, Mr. Goodwin, because my daughter brought you. But I wonder if you know when you are being offensive? We … I have no theory to advance …”

  Dudley Frost started to croak: “Take no notice of him, Calida. Disregard him. I refuse to speak to him.” He reached for the whiskey bottle.

  I said, “If you ask me, I could be even more offensive and still hope to make the grade to heaven.” I got Mrs. Frost’s eyes again. “For instance, I might remark on your phony la-de-da about asking me to sit down in your house. It isn’t your house, it’s your daughter’s, unless she gave it to you—” There was a gasp at my right from the client, and Mrs. Frost’s mouth opened, but I went on ahead of the rush:

  “Just to show you how offensive I can be if I work at it. What kind of ninnies do you think we are? Even the cops aren’t as thick as you seem to believe. It’s time you folks pinched yourselves and woke up. Boyden McNair gets bumped off, and Helen Frost here happens to have enough regard for him to want to know who did it, and enough gumption to get the right man for the job, and enough jack to pay him. She’s your daughter and niece and cousin and almost fiancée. She brings me here. I already know enough to be aware that you’ve got vital information which you don’t intend to cough up, and you know I know it. And look at the kindergarten stuff you hand me! McNair had a headache, so he went to Nero Wolfe’s office to poison himself! You might at least have the politeness to tell me straight that you refuse to discuss the matter because you don’t intend to get involved if you can help it, then we can proceed with the involving.” I pointed my pencil at Perren Gebert’s long thin nose. “For instance, you! Did you know that Dudley Frost might tell us where the red box is?”

  I concentrated on Gebert, but Mrs. Frost was off line only a little to the left of him, so I was having a glimpse of her too. Gebert fell for it absolutely. His head jerked around to look at Dudley Frost and then back at me. Mrs. Frost jerked too, first at Gebert, then back into steadiness. Dudley Frost was sputtering at me:

  “What’s that? What red box? That idiotic thing in McNair’s will? Damn you, are you crazy too? Do you dare—”

  I grinned at him. “Hold it. I just said you might. Yeah, the thing McNair left to Wolfe in his will. Have you got it?”

  He turned to his son and growled, “I refuse to speak to him.”

  “Okay. But the truth is, I’m a friend of yours. I’m tipping you off. Did you know that there’s a way for the District Attorney to force an accounting from you of your brother’s estate? And did you ever hear of a search warrant? I suppose when the cops went with one to your apartment this afternoon to look for the red box, there was a maid there to let them in. Didn’t she phone you? And of course in looking for the box they would have occasion to glance at anything that might be around. Or maybe they didn’t get there yet; they may be on the way now. And don’t go blaming your maid, she can’t help it—”

  Dudley Frost had scrambled to his feet. “They wouldn’t—that would be an outrage—”

  “Sure it would. I’m not saying they’ve done it, I’m just telling you, in a case of murder they’ll do anything—”

  Dudley Frost had started across the room. “Come on, Lew—by Gad, we’ll see—”

  “But, Dad, I don’t—”

  “Come on, I say! Are you my son?” He had turned at the far end of the room. “Thank you for the refreshment, Calida, let me know if there is anything I can do. Lew, damn it, come on! Helen, my dear, you are a fool, I’ve always said so. Lew!”

  Llewellyn stopped to murmur something to Helen, nodded to his aunt, ignored Gebert, and hurried after his father to assist in the defense of their castle. There were rumblings from the entrance hall, and then the door opening and closing.

  Mrs. Frost stood up and looked down at her daughter. She spoke to her quietly: “This is frightful, Helen. That this should come … and just now, just when you will soon be a woman and ready for your life as you want it. I know what Boyd was to you, and he was a great deal to me, too. Just now you’re holding things against me that time will make you forget … you’re remembering that I thought it wise to temper the affection you had for him. I thought it best; you were a girl, and girls should look to youth. Helen, my dear child …”

  She bent down and touched her daughter’s shoulder, touched her hair and straightened up again. “You have strong impulses, like your father, and sometimes you don’t quite manage them. I don’t agree with Perren when he sneers at you for trying to buy vengeance. Perren loves to sneer; it’s his favorite pose; he would call it being sardonic … but you know him. I think the impulse that led you to hire this detective was a generous one. Certainly I have every reason to know that you are generous.” Her voice stayed low, but it got more of a ring in it, a music of metal. “I’m your mother, and I don’t believe you really want to bring people here who tell me that I refuse to discuss … this matter … because I don’t intend to get involved. I’m sorry I was brusque with you today on the telephone, but my nerves were on edge. Policemen were here, and you were away, just making more trouble for us to no good purpose. Really … really, don’t you see that? Cheap insults and bullying for your own family won’t help any. I think you’ve learned, in twenty-one years, that you can depend on me, and I’d like to feel that I can depend on you too …”

  Helen Frost stood up. Seeing her face, with no color in it and her mouth twisted, it looked shaky to me, and I considered butting in, but decided to keep my trap shut. She stood straight, with her hands, fists, hanging at her sides, and her eyes were dark with trouble but held level at Mrs. Frost, which was why I didn’t speak. Gebert took a couple of steps toward her and stopped.

  She said, “You can depend on me, Mother. But so can Uncle Boyd. That’s all right, isn’t it? Oh, isn’t it?” She looked at me and said in a funny tone like a child, “Don’t insult my mother, Mr. Goodwin.” Then she turned abruptly and ran out on us, skipped the shebang. She left by a door on the right, not toward the hall, and closed it behind her.

  Perren Gebert shrugged his shoulders and thrust his hands into his pockets, then pulled one out to rub the side of his thin nose with his forefinger. Mrs. Frost, with a couple of teeth clamped on her lower lip, looked at him and then back at the door where her daughter had gone.

  I said brightly, “I don’t think she fired me. I didn’t understand it that way. What do you think?”

  Gebert showed me a thin smile. “You leave now. No?”

  “Maybe.” I still had my notebook open in my hand. “But you folks might as well understand that we mean business. We’re not just having fun, we do this for a living. I don’t believe you can talk her out of it. This place belongs to her. I’m willing to have a showdown right now; say we go to her bedroom or wherever she went, and ask if I’m kicked out.” I directed my gaze at Mrs. Frost. “Or have a little chat right here. You know, they might find that red box at Dudley Frost’s, at that. How would that set with you?”

  She said, “Stupid senseless tricks.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I guess so. Even Steven. If you bounced me, Inspector Cramer would send me right back here with a man if Wolfe asked him to, and you’re in no position to ritz the cops, because they’re sensitive and they would only get suspicious. At present they’re not actually suspicious, they just think you’re hiding something because people like you don’t want any publicity except in society columns and cigarette ads. For instance, they believe you know where the red box is. You know, of course, it’s Nero Wolfe’s property; McNair left it to him. We really would like to have it, just for curiosity.”

  Gebert, after listening to me politely, cocked his head at Mrs. Frost. He smiled at her: “You see, Calida, this fellow really believes we could tell him something. He’s perfectly sincere about it. The police, too. The only way to get rid of them is to humor them. Why not tell them something?” He waved a hand inclusively. “All sorts of things.”

  She looked at him without a
pproval. “This is nothing to be playful about. Certainly not your kind of playfulness.”

  He lifted his brows. “I don’t mean to be playful. They want information about Boyd, and unquestionably we have it, quantities of it.” He looked at me. “You do shorthand in that book? Good. Put this down: McNair was an inveterate eater of snails, and he preferred Calvados to cognac. His wife died in childbirth because he was insisting on being an artist and was too poor and incompetent to provide proper care for her. —What, Calida? But the fellow wants facts! —Edwin Frost once paid McNair two thousand francs—at that time four hundred dollars—for one of his pictures, and the next day traded it to a flower girl for a violet—not a bunch, a violet. McNair named his daughter Glenna because it means valley, and she came out of the valley of death, since her mother died at her birth—just a morsel of Calvinistic merriment. A light-hearted man, Boyd was! Mrs. Frost here was his oldest friend and she once rescued him from despair and penury; yet, when he became the foremost living designer and manufacturer of women’s woolen garments, he invariably charged her top prices for everything she bought. And he never—”

  “Perren! Stop it!”

  “My dear Calida! Stop when I’ve just started? Give the fellow what he wants and he’ll let us alone. It’s a pity we can’t give him his red box; Boyd really should have told us about that. But I realize that his chief interest is in Boyd’s death, not his life. I can be helpful on that too. Knowing so well how Boyd lived, surely I should know how he died. As a matter of fact, when I heard of his death last evening, I was reminded of a quotation from Norboisin—the girl Denise gasps it as she expires: ‘Au moins, je meurs ardemment!’ Might not Boyd have used those very words, Calida? Of course, with Denise the adverb applied to herself, whereas with Boyd it would have been meant for the agent—”

  “Perren!” It was not a protest this time, but a command. Mrs. Frost’s tone and look together refrigerated him into silence. She surveyed him: “You are a babbling fool. Would you make a jest of it? No one but a fool jests at death.”

  Gebert made her a little bow. “Except his own, perhaps, Calida. To keep up appearances.”

  “You may. I am Scotch, too, like Boyd. It is no joke to me.” She turned her head and let me have her eyes again. “You may as well go. As you say, this is my daughter’s house; we do not put you out. But my daughter is still a minor—and anyway, we cannot help you. I have nothing whatever to say, beyond what I have told the police. If you enjoy Mr. Gebert’s vaudeville I can leave you with him.”

  I shook my head. “No, I don’t like it much.” I stuck my notebook in my pocket. “Anyhow, I’ve got an appointment downtown, to squeeze blood out of a stone, which will be a cinch. It’s just possible Mr. Wolfe will phone to invite you to his office for a chat. Have you anything on for this evening?”

  She froze me. “Mr. Wolfe’s taking advantage of my daughter’s emotional impulse is abominable. I don’t wish to see him. If he should come here—”

  “Don’t let that worry you.” I grinned at her. “He’s done all his traveling for this season and then some. But I expect I’ll be seeing you again.” I started off, and after a few steps turned. “By the way, if I were you I wouldn’t make much of a point of persuading your daughter to fire us. It would just make Mr. Wolfe suspicious, and that turns him into a fiend. I can’t handle him when he’s like that.”

  It didn’t look as if even that one was going to cause her to burst into sobs, so I beat it. In the entrance hall I tried to open up the wrong mirror, then found the right one and got my hat. The etiquette seemed to be turned off, so I let myself out and steered for the elevator.

  I had to flag a taxi to take me home, because I had ridden up with our client and her cousin, not caring to leave them alone together at that juncture.

  It was after six o’clock when I got there. I went to the kitchen first and commandeered a glass of milk, took a couple of sniffs at the goulash steaming gently on the simmer plate, and told Fritz it didn’t smell much like freshly butchered kid to me. I slid out when he brandished a skimming spoon.

  Wolfe was at his desk with a book, Seven Pillars of Wisdom, by Lawrence, which he had already read twice, and I knew what mood he was in when I saw that the tray and glass were on his desk but no empty bottle. It was one of his most childish tricks, every now and then, especially when he was ahead of his’ quota more than usual, to drop the bottle into the wastebasket as soon as he emptied it, and if I was in the office he did it when I wasn’t looking. It was that sort of thing that kept me skeptical about the fundamental condition of his brain, and that particular trick was all the more foolish because he was unquestionably on the square with the bottle caps; he faithfully put every single one in the drawer; I know that, because I’ve checked up on him time and time again. When he was ahead on quota he made some belittling remark about statistics with each cap he dropped in, but he never tried to get away with one.

  I tossed my notebook on my desk and sat down and sipped at the milk. There was no use trying to explode him off of that book. But after a while he picked up the thin strip of ebony he used for a bookmark, inserted it, closed the book, laid it down, and reached out and rang for beer. Then he leaned back and admitted I was alive.

  “Pleasant afternoon, Archie?”

  I grunted. “That was one hell of a tea. Dudley Frost was the only one who had any, and he wasn’t inclined to divvy so I sent him home. I only got one real hot piece of news, that no one but a fool jests at death. How does that strike you?”

  Wolfe grimaced. “Tell me about it.”

  I read it to him from the notebook, filling in the gaps from memory, though I didn’t need much because I’ve condensed my symbols until I can take down the Constitution of the United States on the back of an old envelope, which might be a good place for it. Wolfe’s beer arrived, and met its fate. Except for time out for swallowing, he listened, as usual, settled back comfortably with his eyes closed.

  I tossed the notebook to the back of my desk, swiveled, and pulled the bottom drawer out and got my feet up. “That’s the crop. That one’s in the bag. What shall I start on now?”

  Wolfe opened his eyes. “Your French is not even ludicrous. We’ll return to that. Why did you frighten Mr. Frost away by talk of a search warrant? Is there a subtlety there too deep for me?”

  “No, just momentum. I asked him that question about the red box to get a line on the other two, and as I went along it occurred to me it might be fun to find out if he had anything at home he didn’t want anyone to see, and anyway what good was he? I got rid of him.”

  “Oh. I was about to credit you with superior finesse. It would have been that, to get him away on the chance that there might be a remark, a glance, a gesture, not to be expected in his presence. In fact, that is exactly what happened. I congratulate you anyhow. As for Mr. Frost—everyone has something at home they don’t want anyone to see; that is one of the functions of a home, to provide a spot to keep such things. —And you say they haven’t the red box and don’t know where it is.”

  “I offer that opinion. The look Gebert shot at Frost when I hinted Frost had it, and the look Mrs. Frost gave Gebert, as I told you. It’s a cinch that what they think is in the box means something important to them. It’s a good guess that they haven’t got it and don’t know where it is, or they wouldn’t have been so quick on the trigger when I hinted that. As for Frost, God knows. That’s the advantage a guy has that always explodes no matter what you say, there’s no symptomatic nuances for an observer like me.”

  “You? Ha! I am impressed. I confess I am surprised that Mrs. Frost didn’t find a pretext as soon as you entered, to take her daughter to some other room. Is the woman immune to trepidation? Even common curiosity …”

  I shook my head. “If it’s common, she hasn’t got it. That dame has got a steel spine, a governor on her main artery that prevents acceleration, and a patent air-cooling system for her brain. If you wanted to prove she murdered anyone you’d have to see h
er do it and be sure to have a camera along.”

  “Dear me.” Wolfe came forward in his chair to pour beer. “Then we must find another culprit, which may be a nuisance.” He watched the foam subside. “Take your book and look at your notes on Mr. Gebert’s vaudeville. Where he quoted Norboisin; read that sentence.”

  “You’d like some more fun with my French?”

  “No, indeed; it isn’t fun. Since your shorthand is phonetic, do as well as you can with your symbols. I think I know the quotation, but I want to be sure. It has been years since I read Norboisin, and I haven’t his books.”

  I read the whole paragraph, beginning “My dear Calida.” I took the French on high and sailed right through it, ludicrous or not, having had three lessons in it altogether: one from Fritz in 1930, and two from a girl I met once when we were working on a forgery case.

  “Want to hear it again?”

  “No, thanks.” Wolfe’s lips were pushing in and out. “And Mrs. Frost calls it babbling. It would have been instructive to be there, for the tone and the eyes. Mr. Gebert was indeed sardonic, to tell you in so many words who killed Mr. McNair. Was it a lie, to be provoking? Or the truth, to display his own alertness? Or a conjecture, for a little subtlety of his own? I think, the second. I do indeed. It runs with my surmises, but he could not know that. And granted that we know the murderer, what the devil is to be done about it? Probably no amount of patience would suffice. If Mr. Cramer gets his hands on the red box and decides to act without me, he is apt to lose the spark entirely and leave both of us with fuel that will not ignite.” He drank his beer, put the glass down, and wiped his lips. “Archie. We need that confounded box.”

  “Yeah. I’ll go get it in just a minute. First, just to humor me, exactly when did Gebert tell us who killed McNair? You wouldn’t by any chance be talking just to hear yourself?”

  “Of course not. Isn’t it obvious? But I forget—you don’t know French. Ardemment means ardently. The quotation translates, ‘At least, I die ardently.’ ”