The Moscow Affair

by Taylor Lee

  “Not now, Princess, you need to rest.”

  With a frown she tugged at him but when he resisted, she gave a rueful sigh. Burying her head against his shoulder, she gave in to her fatigue.

  When Rafe was certain she was sleeping, he tapped Grayson on the shoulder.

  Gray twisted around in his seat. “What do you need, Rafe?”

  Rafe hesitated then asked, “Did you get a hold of Yuri?”

  Grayson nodded, “Yeah, I did. He’s a broken man, Rafe. It was hard to talk to him. He was so caught up with grief and, of course, with relief.” Grayson hesitated. “Said to tell you thank you.” Grayson paused then met Rafe’s glare. “He asked me to tell Nicki to call him when she could. And…he asked if I thought you would be willing to talk to him.”

  “What did you tell him?”

  “I told him what I told you. Give it time.”

  Rafe shrugged. His expression hardened, deep furrows appeared next to his mouth.

  “There aren’t enough years left in this lifetime, Gray.”

  ~~~

  For the rest of the flight Rafe held her close. She fit perfectly into the base of his shoulder as though she belonged there. He stroked her cheek and shushed her when she cried out in her sleep, grateful when her long lashes once again fluttered against her rosy cheeks. He studied her as if memorizing her face, her body, the way she smelled and tasted. Gazing down at her, Rafe didn’t know how he would be able to let her go. But looking at her swollen lip and the bruise spreading across her cheek where Aiden backhanded her, Rafe knew he had no choice. He couldn’t, wouldn’t, live through another twenty-four hours like the one they’d just had.

  When they landed, Rafe carried her to her room, taking care not to wake her. He undressed her, put soft pajamas over her exhausted, battered form, and tucked her in bed. Closing her door, he headed for his office. He needed to talk with each of the parents and oversee the return of their daughters. He should have felt relief, pride that they had accomplished the mission and that the girls were safe.

  Unfortunately the hole in his heart was so large, all he felt was empty.

  Chapter 35

  The next morning, Nicki knocked on his office door, then walked in without waiting for a response. Rafe was standing in front of the window looking out to the grounds. When he turned to face her, she was startled by the expression on his face. Unlike the way his eyes usually lit up when he saw her, his expression was solemn. Cool. The distant look in his eyes frightened her.

  “What is it, Rafe? Is something wrong?”

  He grimaced and pointed to the chair in front of his desk.

  “Please sit down, Nicki. We need to talk.”

  He pulled out the chair for her, then circled the desk and sat opposite her. He reached for his cigarette case. In a ritual she was familiar with, she watched him light his cigarette then gaze at her through the smoke as if sizing her up. When he didn’t speak, her nervousness turned to annoyance. Clearly he was angry with her, but apparently it was up to her to guess what she’d done wrong. Instead she took the offensive, which turned out to be a bad move, a very bad move.

  “You didn’t come to my room last night, Rafe. I woke up and you weren’t there. I expected you.”

  A slight frown crossed his brow.

  “Really? Why? Why did you expect that I would be there?”

  She wasn’t able to quiet the rush of anger that flowed over her.

  “Why? Maybe because you told me we would always be together. That we would wake up together in my bed… or in yours.”

  His eyes darkened and he took a deep drag on his cigarette.

  “Hmm. I see. So what I say, we hold each other to, but what you promise me means nothing?”

  Nicki stared at him, then sensing the resentment in his gaze, she realized how angry he was that she had gone with Volkov. But surely he understood? Her mother, her father…. Before she could speak, Rafe leaned forward. He mashed his cigarette in the ashtray and glared at her. He hesitated, as though deciding whether he would speak. When he did, his voice was mechanical, almost indifferent. It felt like icy shards of glass were piercing her heart.

  “I trusted you, Nicki. I trusted you to keep your word. To honor your promises. I would never have let you go on the mission if I thought I couldn’t trust you.”

  His voice thickened with anger or pain or both.

  “I told you my most painful secret, Nicki. I told you that I was afraid—no, terrified—that I couldn’t protect you. And you did everything in your power to prove me right, didn’t you, Nicki?”

  Nicki struggled to breathe.

  “But Rafe, you did protect me. You came for me as I knew you would. You would never have left me there. I knew that, Rafe—”

  He interrupted.

  “You flagrantly disobeyed me. And ignored your own promises. To me, to your father, to Katya, Caleb, Grayson—to everyone who cares about you, Nicki. When it came down to it, you ignored us all: because of a handful of words from a criminal. For that, you ignored your promises and did exactly what you wanted to, no matter how dangerous it was.”

  Nicki swallowed hard. What he said was true, but surely he could understand…Again, he interrupted, didn’t allow her to speak.

  “You could have been killed, Nicki. You could be in some goddamned sheik’s bed right now. Look at your face, Nicki. Look at your body. You’re covered with bruises.”

  He rose to his feet and strode across the room putting distance between them.

  “I can’t live like that, Nicki. Terrified about what you will do next. What promise you will break the next time. I can’t and I won’t. You need to leave, Nicki.”

  Nicki stood and faced him. Clinging to edge of his desk she struggled to make sense of what he was saying. At the incongruity of his actions.

  She stammered, “You held me all the way home. You carried me to my room. You undressed me. Put my pajamas on me and tucked me in bed. But…now…now you are sending me away?”

  Rafe’s face flushed. For the first time, doubt crossed his face, but when he spoke his voice was harsh.

  “I wanted you to be comfortable when you slept.”

  Nicki felt righteous anger stirring inside of her. Bubbling up like a fountain of molten lava.

  “You won’t give me a chance to explain, to tell you why I did what I did?”

  His voice was calm, flat.

  “I know why, Nicki. I even understand. There’s no need for you to explain.”

  “So even though you understand, even though you love me, you won’t take a chance?”

  “I did. I took the chance of falling in love with you.”

  “And it was a mistake? A mistake to fall in love with me?”

  “For the short term, no. For the long term, yes.”

  Nicki gasped, stunned at his cruel words. She glared at him as he walked back to his desk. He reached in his desk drawer and took out his checkbook. He took his time writing out a check and then handed it to her.

  He assumed a professional air, as though she were a staff member that hadn’t made the grade. Bile rose in her throat, threatening to choke her. He ripped out the check and made a notation in the ledger.

  “This is for your work this last six months. You’re good at what you do, Nicki. You are an accomplished agent. Any security company will be eager to hire you. You don’t have to worry. Wherever you choose to go, I will give you an excellent recommendation.”

  Rage flooded her. His face blurred. She could barely see him through the red haze clouding her vision. Surprisingly, her voice was calm, almost as cool as his.

  “A recommendation won’t be necessary, Rafe. As I’m sure you know, all I’ll have to do is wiggle my hot little ass and they’ll hire me, right, Rafe?”

  Ignoring his startled gasp, she glanced at the check.

  “Hmm. For some reason this makes me feel like a whore. That this money is payment for the times we spent together. Is that what this is, Rafe? Payment for satisfying your itch?”<
br />
  He stepped toward her, his face dark with anger. She ignored his approach.

  “Should I consider this a nightly fee?”

  Nicki watched him make a visible effort to control his anger. Pressing his lips together in a straight line, he spoke quietly.

  “That is a substantial sum of money, Nicki. I suggest you not make a hasty decision.”

  She picked up the check and studied it.

  “Let’s see, how many times did you screw me or attempt to screw me?”

  She counted on her fingers.

  “Let’s see. There were… Oh yes: three times without consummation. Do those count, Rafe? Then we finally did consummate our little affair, but again I had to seduce you. And then there was that last time in the shower but once again, I had to beg you.”

  His voice cut through the air.

  “I’m warning you, Nicki. Stop. Now.”

  She looked him in the eyes then gave him an impudent shrug. Gazing at the check she tapped her chin with her finger as though she was doing calculations in her head.

  “Let’s see. That makes five times, if we include the times when we didn’t actually ‘do it’. For $500,000? Hmm. That’s $100,000 per ‘event’, correct?”

  She shook her head.

  “Nope, sorry Rafe. That’s not acceptable. Given what I gave you, it should be at least double that amount. But lucky for you, I don’t want your money. I won’t sell myself this cheaply.”

  She ripped up the check and tossed the pieces at him.

  “Keep it for your women. This doesn’t begin to cover what I am worth. Save it to pay for the women who are willing to have you on your terms, because I’m not.”

  Rafe’s face was white with anger. If she didn’t know him as well as she did, she would think he might hit her. Closing her eyes to regain her composure, she moved toward the door.

  His voice was cool and impersonal but his next question was loaded.

  “I presume you are going to see your father?”

  She whirled and faced him. She was shaking so hard she could barely stand.

  “As of this minute it is none of your business what I am doing. Now or ever again.”

  He shrugged. “So be it.”

  Nicki swallowed hard. When she spoke her voice was as low, as dangerous as his.

  “You arrogant asshole.”

  He nodded. “We’ve established that, Nicki. We agree.”

  “Yes, we do, but what we haven’t established is that you are a coward. A self-righteous, arrogant, coward.”

  Rafe’s face blackened with rage.

  Nicki persisted.

  “That’s right Rafe. I’m calling you what you are. A coward. You put yourself in danger every day of the year, but you protect that precious heart of yours like it’s the Holy Fucking Grail. It takes courage to love someone, Rafe. To live with the fear that something terrible might happen. That they might get hurt… or God forbid, might be killed. I love you Rafe—or I did. And it took courage to let myself love you. I had to accept that I might have you for a lifetime, or for an instant. Either way I conceded it would be worth it. And no matter what, I would thank God for that gift until the day I died. You’re right, Rafe. Loving someone means taking risks, taking a chance. But you won’t do that, will you, Rafe? At least when it comes to loving me. Because cowards don’t take chances. They play it safe no matter what the cost. They throw away happiness with both hands because they are too cowardly to try.”

  Tears flowed down her face and she didn’t try to brush them away. The lump in her throat was so big she had to force herself to speak.

  “You aren’t worthy of me, Rafe. You don’t deserve me.”

  She ran for the door, slamming it behind her.

  ~~~

  Caleb was quiet for most of the drive, but when they pulled up in front of the commuter airport in Lansdale, he broke the painful silence.

  “Where are you heading, hotstuff?”

  “None of your business. Why should I tell you? You’ll just tell him.”

  Caleb huffed a weary sigh. “Hotstuff, we’re ISA. We’ll know in 10 minutes where you are.”

  “So stop asking me questions if you already know the answer.”

  She jumped from the car and reached into the backseat for her carryon.

  Caleb circled the car and pulled her up tight against him. He tipped up her chin forcing her to look in his eyes.

  “Listen to me, hotstuff.”

  She twisted away, blinking at the tears that threatened to fall.

  “Please, Caleb. Don’t. Don’t make it harder than it is.”

  He tugged her back and encircled her in his arms.

  “Look, Nicki. The guy is crazy in love with you. Give him time. Let him get over his anger, his fear.”

  She shook her head.

  “No, Caleb. You don’t understand. He doesn’t want time, and he doesn’t want me.

  ~~~

  The next three weeks were the most challenging in her life. She ached for Rafe. But little by little she began to accept that what she had told Caleb was the truth. Rafe didn’t want time and he didn’t want her. She tried not to think about him. Instead she focused on healing the rift with her father. Yuri was heartbroken with grief and shame. She comforted him, the way he had comforted her when she was a child.

  “I will never forgive myself for putting you in such danger, Nikita. You could have been killed, and it would have been my fault.”

  “No Papa. All of us share in the blame of what could have happened, but it didn’t. I am alive, my bruises are almost gone, and I am here with you.”

  She didn’t add what they both knew. What was the most painful result of the mission. That was that Rafe had left them both.

  Nicki added, “As Katya once said to me, it’s not up to you to forgive yourself. It is enough that I forgive you. You have lived your life with a terrible burden, Papa. Now you can let it go.”

  He shook his head, his expression was strained, his palpable grief tugged at her heart.

  “Papa?”

  “Yes, Nikita?”

  “Tell me about my mother. What was she like?”

  Yuri paled, and stared at her. His eyes flooded with unshed tears.

  Nicki choked back her own tears; she reached out for his hand.

  “Was she like me, Papa? Am I like her in any way?”

  Yuri began to cry. He cried as though he’d been holding back the tears, the sobs for years. Because he had. After several long minutes, he swallowed hard then began to speak.

  “Ah yes, Nikita, you are so like her sometimes I think she has returned. Returned to bless my life the way that you have blessed my life.”

  “Then tell me about her, Papa. Tell me your stories. What you remember most.”

  And so Yuri did; he went on and on, unburdening himself of stories—some of which he hadn’t thought of for many years. After three hours of tears and laughter and many hugs, Nicki asked.

  “Do you have pictures of her? I have never seen them.”

  Yuri’s face darkened.

  “Can you forgive me, Nikita? I have done a terrible thing; because I couldn’t live with the past, I refused to share it with you.”

  He stood and went to his study. He returned carrying a stack of photograph albums.

  “This is your mother, Nikita. Your beautiful mother. She was so full of life I didn’t think she could ever die.”

  Nicki eagerly grabbed for the albums. The afternoon was beginning to wane as she reached for the last album, having scoured the rest. To her surprise, when she opened it, she saw that it was filled with pictures of Rafe. Not meeting her father’s eyes, she forced her hands to stop trembling. She turned one page after another, drinking in the sight of the young boy who looked painfully young but already hardened, as though he were carrying a fierce burden.

  “You have many pictures of Rafe, Papa. You must love him very much.”

  “Yes, Nikita. Except for you, my dear, there is no one I love mor
e than Rafe. When you were almost killed, Rafe made it clear that he would never forgive me, never speak to me again. I knew then that I had lost my son.”

  “Was I as arrogant, as bullheaded then as I am now, Yuri?”

  They both turned in shock, stunned to see Rafe standing in the doorway.

  Yuri’s face blanched, then flushed. He moved unsteadily to his feet. Tears crept down his cheeks. He coughed, gathering himself, and then cleared his throat, assuming a casual air.

  “More so, Rafe. As hard as it is to believe, you were even more arrogant than you are now.”

  The two men simultaneously moved toward one another. Nicki’s throat tightened, watching them embrace. Her heart bled.

  Walking Yuri back to his chair, Rafe turned to face her.

  “What about the cowardly part, Princess? Have I redeemed myself, just a little? Or do you think that crossing three continents with my hat in hand doesn’t take courage?”

  When she didn’t respond, he held her in his gaze.

  “I see. Clearly, Nicki, following you across the world doesn't make it to the courageous realm. Fine, let me continue. Gathering what courage I do have, I will tell you both that I came for two reasons. One, to ask for your forgiveness, Yuri. The other is to capture my wife, and bring her hot little ass back where it belongs. With me.”

  Nicki stuttered in disbelief. She hoisted herself to her feet and clung to the back of the sofa for support. Looking at his too-handsome face, his dark emerald eyes, and the cocky grin on his face, her anger roiled to the surface. How weak, how pliable did he think she was? How dare he assume that all he had to do was appear and she would fall in his arms?! And…and…marry him?

  Raising her chin, she snapped, “Aren’t you rushing things, Rafe? Making assumptions, decisions, that aren’t yours to make?”

  His grin broadened. “But of course, Princess. How rude of me. Before I claim you, toss you over my shoulder and take you to my bed, I should ask for your father’s permission.”

  He chuckled at the flush brightening her cheeks as she glared at him.

  “How about it, Yuri? Are you willing to let me marry this—let me see, how did you put it when you foisted her off on me? I believe you said irrepressible, disrespectful, and headstrong.”