They walked into the kitchen and Mary lifted the lid on a large cake tin.
Adam gasped at what his mother had created. She had made a Cat in the Hat themed birthday cake.
Dozens of red and white fondant circles, in different sizes, were scattered all over a round turquoise-coloured cake. And on top there was a single candle, with red and white stripes, in the shape of a hat. The cat’s hat.
‘Dr Seuss was your favourite as a kid. You were always begging me to read one more story for you at bedtime,’ Mary said.
Adam nodded. ‘I remember that.’
‘And The Cat in the Hat was your favourite of all his stories,’ Bill said.
‘It was.’ He liked reading it to Matthew now.
‘And I know you didn’t want to have a fuss today. But we thought it might be nice to have a special cake. Something that Matthew can look at in years to come in a photograph,’ Mary said.
Matthew’a little voice said ‘Dada’ and he held his two arms out, looking to go to his daddy. Adam pulled him in close and breathed in his scent.
‘I know you are sad in ways neither your father or I will ever be able to understand. You must be overwhelmed with grief,’ Mary touched Matthew’s head, wishing she could change the ending of this story.
‘We are so proud of you,’ Bill said. ‘You have stood firm, never faltering, despite all that has been thrown at you. And you should be so proud of yourself too, of the father you are to Matthew. He’s a lucky little boy.’
Adam looked back and forth between Bill and Mary. They were there to support him, ready to catch him or Matthew if either of them fell.
Rachel’s voice whispered in his ear. ‘Make today special for Matthew. You have to do this. For both of us.’
Five months ago, things had been perfect. Rachel and he had just bought their first home together, with a little help from Bill and David. And then something horrific happened that blew their life up.
He thought he’d never recover from that. And in many ways he never would. But something new had emerged from the ashes of his life. His world had grown larger – with his parents back in it.
Had Rachel not died, would that have ever happened? He couldn’t help thinking that the tragedy had changed more than the obvious.
He knew that he had to find a way to say goodbye to a future that only wanted memories made by all three of them. Now, it was up to him to ensure that Matthew and he built their own future, together.
‘Adam?’ Bill said, his face twisted in a frown, as it often was these days, when he spoke his son’s name.
His anger started to fade and he felt energy surge through him. This was his boy’s birthday. What the hell had he been thinking of, letting it go without notice? He was an eejit. A big fecking eejit.
Adam looked at his father and his face broke into a huge grin. He raised an eyebrow and said, ‘We’re gonna need balloons. Red, blue and white. We’ll need jelly and ice cream, you can’t have a party without that. Oh, and silly hats. Cat in the Hat, big silly hats. Who’s with me?’
Mary and Bill laughed in delight, she clapping her hands together. ‘We’re having a party!’ she said to Matthew, who squealed in delight.
Rachel looked on, her eyes shining bright with approval.
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
The sign and the drunken sailor’s first steps
Bill’s House, Malone Road, Stranmillis, Belfast, Northern Ireland
Adam, Bill and Mary collapsed on to the sofas, stomachs full. Matthew was asleep, conked out with excitement and the comedown from his first sugar hit, as he’d eaten a huge chunk of cake and frosting.
Mary had created a feast fit for any one-year-old and his family. They’d eaten three courses and sang ‘Happy Birthday’ at least a dozen times, because Matthew kept saying ‘more, more’ and clapping his hands, each time they finished the last ‘to you!’
He’d then happily played with all the wrapping paper that had been pulled off each gift he’d received. Presents had come from all over the globe. Pete and Jenny had sent him his first guitar. Karen, a first-edition set of Winnie the Pooh books. David and Robyn sent a beautiful Ralph Lauren jacket. Jo had even sent a stuffed kangaroo toy from Sydney that said, ‘G’day mate’ when you squeezed its front paw. And the last present had been from Lucy, Rachel’s sister. She’d, weirdly enough, sent an envelope with 100 US dollars in it.
‘I thought she lived in Australia,’ Bill remarked.
‘She does,’ Adam said, shrugging.
Bill and Mary had outdone themselves as grandparents with a sack full of presents each. Adam had been overwhelmed by their generosity.
‘I’ve two more things,’ Mary said. ‘First of all, I thought you might like to see these again.’
‘No!’ Adam exclaimed when he saw the books that his mother had made for him as a child. They looked smaller than he remembered, but they were just as fantastic.
‘I have a huge box of things I’ve kept from your childhood. I thought maybe you could read some of these to Matthew.’
‘I have a friend who works in publishing. She’d love to see these,’ Adam said. ‘Thanks mum.’
Mary said, ‘I’ve one more.’ She reached behind her and passed a large rectangular parcel wrapped in brown paper and tied with a string.
‘’It’s for both of you, not just Matthew,’ Mary said. ‘But if you don’t like it . . .’ she shrugged, shyly.
‘You’ve already got us enough,’ Adam protested. ‘I’m sure no matter what it is, we’ll love it.’ He pulled open the paper, which revealed a painting inside.
‘Did you do this?’ he asked, his voice tight with emotion.
Mary nodded.
She used the picture of Rachel and Adam in their garden at home in Didsbury, laughing, with a newborn Matthew held between their arms as her inspiration. Bill had given it to her, that first day he called to her B&B, to tell her that Adam needed her.
‘How did you . . . when did you even have time to do this . . . ?’ Adam spluttered out the words.
‘When your dad came to see me, he gave me a photograph, a snap he took when you and Rachel weren’t looking. I kept it and used that and a couple of other pictures that I got your dad to give me. It’s just such a natural photograph, you both look so happy.’
‘It’s your best work I’ve ever seen,’ Bill said. ‘I’ve missed seeing your paintings Mary. I truly have.’
She took the compliment and smiled her thanks, but her eyes remained on Adam.
‘Is it okay? Did I get Rachel right? I know I hadn’t met her in person . . .’ Mary said.
‘You’ve captured her exactly as she is . . . was . . .’
He couldn’t take his eyes off his wife’s face. The curve of her neck as it reached her collarbone, the way her chin dipped as she laughed in delight at Matthew. He had just opened his eyes and looked at them both. He remembered that moment clearly. It hadn’t seemed especially noteworthy at the time. But back then he thought he had a lifetime to make more moments.
Adam turned to his mother and nodded at her.
Just once, but in that nod he said a thousand words. And she understood every one of them.
All the hurt, pain, the misunderstandings and the wrongs were finally laid to rest.
When the doorbell rang, breaking the profound silence, they all started at the sound.
Bill jumped up to answer it.
‘Who is it?’ Mary asked, straining to listen.
Adam heard the unmistakable lilt of George’s voice.
‘That’s dad’s ex-boyfriend. Who I happen to think should drop the word ex and just come back into his life.’ Adam looked at his mother closely as he said the words. ‘Life is too short, Mum. If you love someone, does it really matter who or what sex they are? Surely all that matters is that there’s love.’
Mary leaned forward and said, ‘I couldn’t agree more. I’ve long since got over your father.’
Adam breathed a sigh of relief.
‘
I’ve even had a few flings myself along the way,’ Mary said.
Adam laughed. ‘Good for you. Can I go get George? I’d like to invite him in.’
‘Tell you what, why don’t you let me do that?’ Mary said.
She walked out to the hall and found Bill and George whispering at the entrance.
‘Hello,’ she said, moving towards them.
Bill looked like a rabbit caught in headlights.
‘I’m Adam’s mother,’ Mary said, holding her hand out to shake George’s.
‘I just called with a present for Matthew,’ George said. ‘I’m not stopping.’
‘Well, that’s a shame. I was about to put the kettle on, and there’s talk of cake if you could manage some,’ Mary said, smiling warmly.
George looked at Bill, waiting to take his lead.
‘I’d like you to stay, if you could spare the time,’ Bill said. ‘Wait till you see the picture Mary painted, of Adam, Rachel and Matthew. It’s quite something.’
Ten minutes later, Adam watched Bill and George sitting side by side across from Mary who had a now-awake Matthew in her lap. They were all eating cake and drinking tea like it was the most normal scenario in the world. He shook his head in amazement.
‘Would you look at us. Just one big, happy, dysfunctional family,’ Adam said.
‘I’d say we are perfectly imperfect, at least that’s what I like to think,’ Bill replied.
‘Hey, keep me out of this. I only agreed to cake, nothing more!’ George joked.
But the way Bill and he looked at each other, Adam had a feeling that things could change in the not-too-distant future.
‘Are you planning on sticking here in Belfast then?’ George asked.
Adam laughed.
‘What’s so funny?’ George asked.
‘If I had a pound for every time someone has asked me that very same question . . . I don’t know what I’m doing yet. I suppose you could say, that I am waiting for a sign.’
‘Oh, how mysterious and exciting,’ George said. ‘What kind of sign?’
‘I think Rachel will find a way to let me know what we should do next,’ Adam said.
When his mobile phone rang out loud in the room, George shouted, ‘Shut the front door!’
‘Now that’s freaky,’ Bill said.
‘Hello, Adam? It’s Lucy,’ an Australian accent said.
Adam smiled, hearing his sister-in-law’s voice. ‘Hey, Lucy. The wee fella loved his money. Thanks for that.’
‘Have been thinking of him all day. And you. How was it?’
‘Started off rough, but ended well. We’re eating cake now.’
‘Yum! Well, I’ve got some news for you,’ Lucy said.
‘Go on. I love a bit of gossip!’ Adam walked out of the kitchen into the sitting room.
‘I’ve been offered a job in New York!’
‘No way! How cool. Are you there already?’ Then the penny dropped for Adam. ‘Course you are, that’s why you sent the dollars!’
‘They’ve set me up with a cool brownstone townhouse, on the Upper East side. You should see it.’
‘Stop showing off!’ Adam joked. ‘Seriously, good for you, Lucy. Rachel would be so proud of you.’
He heard Lucy suck in her breath.
‘I miss her,’ Lucy said.
‘I know.’
‘I rang Mum and Dad this morning,’ Lucy said.
Adam didn’t know what to say to that. Rachel and Lucy had a fractious relationship with them both. The fact that not so much as a card had arrived for their only grandson hadn’t been lost on him.
‘I don’t know why I bothered calling them,’ Lucy continued. ‘Stupidly, I thought that maybe they’d be thinking about Rachel too, missing her.’
‘I don’t think you’ll ever get what you want from them,’ Adam said gently. ‘Sometimes you’ve got to just let things go.’
‘I think about you and Matthew all the time. I know we are geographically challenged. But even so, I should be doing more. Scrap that. I want to do more.’
‘You don’t have to do anything. You’re always welcome in my house. I want Matthew to know his aunty Lucy.’
‘I’m glad you said that. Because I want to step up a few gears in the aunty and sister-in-law stakes.’
Adam heard the sincerity in her voice and he was touched by it. ‘Just keep on sending Matthew toys and books and you’re gold. And if we ever need a kidney we know who to call,’ Adam joked.
‘I’d rather give them to him myself. The toys and books that is.’
‘You coming to visit?’ Adam was delighted by the news. He’d love to see her again.
‘That’s not what I had in mind. I was thinking more the other way around.’
‘I don’t follow,’ Adam was puzzled.
‘Fancy coming here?’ Lucy asked.
Adam laughed. ‘What?’
‘Come to New York. We need an IT guy and if you want the job, it’s yours. The firm will sponsor your visa. The house is lovely. Huge, loads of space for you and Matthew, with so much natural sunlight in every room. And it has this gorgeous park close by. I can help out with Matthew. I know it takes a village and all that.’ Lucy paused for a moment, then her voice swelled with excitement and emotion as she finished, ‘I’d like to be your village for a bit.’
‘Whoa! You’ve taken me by surprise here,’ Adam said. His heart started to beat fast, as adrenalin pumped its way through his veins.
He had always wanted to live in New York. When he’d lost his job, Rachel and he had one drunken evening where they talked about looking for visas.
‘My new PA informs me that there is a really good Montessori nursery nearby. We could enrol Matthew there. Or you could get a nanny, if you’d prefer that.’
‘My head is reeling.’
‘I’m sorry. I know I’m hitting you with a big life-changing decision. Will you promise me you’ll think about it? It could be so cool.’
‘How long do I have to decide?’ Adam asked.
‘Take a few days. I know you’ll need a little time to make a decision that big. I’ll send you an email with some photographs of the house and details of the neighbourhood. Plus a little bit about the job. But you could do it in your sleep. Honestly.’
‘I’ll ring you back soon,’ Adam said.
His hand was shaking as he pressed end on the phone call.
Rachel walked into the room, grinning like the proverbial Cheshire cat. ‘Told you I was working on something for you.’
‘You took your time,’ Adam said.
‘Did you ever doubt me?’ Rachel asked.
‘No, my love, never, not for one moment.’
‘You’re going to say yes, right?’ Rachel demanded.
‘Are you wise? I can’t just up sticks and move to the other side of the world.’ The thought of it made his stomach flip.
‘Why can’t you go?’ Rached asked.
‘Matthew, my parents, Matthew . . .’
His parents looked up with interest when he walked back into the kitchen. Matthew was crawling between the kitchen and the living room.
‘That was Rachel’s sister, Lucy.’
They smiled with interest.
‘This is the one that lives in Australia, who sent the money?’ Mary asked, trying to get it straight in her head.
‘That’s right, Mum, but as it happens she’s moved to New York.’
‘Ohhh . . .’ Mary and Bill said together.
He watched Matthew pull himself up to his feet at Bill’s knees. Every time he did that, he got a little surer of himself.
‘Lucy’s firm has offered me a job. She wants us to go to live with her.’
‘Oh my God, how exciting!’ George exclaimed, then shut up quickly when he saw the shock on both Bill and Mary’s face, followed quickly by disappointment.
‘And do you want to go?’ Bill asked.
Adam didn’t answer. He sat down and took a slug of tea. He’d murder a pint right now.
‘I’ve only just found him again,’ Mary’s voice whispered to the room.
Adam made up his mind, ‘I’m not going to go.’
‘Why not?’ Bill said.
‘I don’t want to leave you guys. Plus it’s better for Matthew to grow up around his grandparents. New York is too far away. I’ve been dithering about whether to settle in Belfast or in Manchester, unable to make a decision. This is New York for goodness’ sake,’ Adam said. But as he said the words, ‘New York’, he found himself grinning.
‘Start spreading the news. You want to go!’ George exclaimed, clapping his hands together.
Bill looked at Mary, a question in his eyes. She nodded and an unspoken communication flashed between them.
‘If it wasn’t for me and your mum, would you jump at the chance to go?’ Bill asked.
Adam shrugged.
Mary stood up and took Adam’s hand. ‘When your father and I split up, I let depression eat me up. I fell into it, head first and couldn’t find my way out of the dark tunnels for the longest time. I just sat there in the dark, feeling miserable. And in turn, while it wasn’t my intention, I ended up making you as miserable as I was.’
Adam thought about how he felt this morning. He understood exactly what she meant by the dark tunnel. He’d been jumping in and out of one since Rachel’s death.
‘I can still remember the moment that I came out to the light,’ Mary said. ‘I was watching the London marathon, and all I could see were happy, satisfied, accomplished faces. The runners all kept going until they crossed the finishing line. And it occurred to me that you wouldn’t have time to be depressed if you ran a marathon.’
‘That’s true!’ George said. ‘So have you run a marathon then? I can’t run to the end of the road without keeling over.’
Mary laughed and said, ‘Nope. I’ve always hated getting sweaty. But I knew that I needed to get moving, like those runners, so busy that I didn’t have time to think, or worry or fret. So I left Manchester, came home to Coleraine and opened up my B&B instead. And I can promise you that the busier I got, the more light came back into my life.’
Bill reached out and clasped Adam’s shoulder. ‘We don’t want you to let the darkness eat you up. We want you to have such a busy life that only laughter and light is in it. Maybe this is a way for you to accomplish that.’
Cold Feet: The Lost Years Page 28