‘I don’t want to leave you both,’ Adam said.
‘Sure we’ll be here waiting for you, whenever you do come back. When you’re ready, you’ll know when it’s time to come home again,’ Bill said.
‘And what about Matthew?’ Adam asked. ‘Is it selfish of me to bring him to the other side of the world?’
‘Matthew will have the most wonderful experience of his young life. He’ll get to see a new and exciting world over there,’ Mary said. ‘Not to mention get to know his only aunty. I would imagine that has to be a good thing. She’ll know things about Rachel that only a sister can share.’
Adam himself had questions about Rachel’s childhood he’d love to have answered. It stood to reason that for Matthew, that need would be even greater the older he got.
‘The Yanks will love you over there!’ George said. ‘That Irish accent and those twinkling eyes. You’ll be mobbed. Just saying.’
‘If I went, would you visit us?’ Adam asked his parents.
They both nodded immediately. Mary said, ‘I could come and stay for a few weeks when you first go, if you like? Help you get settled in, be there for Matthew as you get used to the new job. Say no of course. I don’t want to force myself on you.’
‘Would you do that for me?’ Adam asked.
‘Of course,’ Mary replied. ‘I can close the B&B for a few weeks. One perk of being my own boss.’
‘And I’ll come during the university holidays,’ Bill said.
‘Which are practically every second week,’ George replied. ‘Cushiest number in the world.’
Adam looked at Matthew and asked, ‘What do you think, son? Are you ready for another trip, another adventure?’
All eyes turned to Matthew, who looked up from his spot on the living-room floor. He used the arm of the sofa to pull himself up. Then he turned himself towards Adam, saying, ‘Dada.’
‘That’s my boy,’ Adam laughed.
And then Matthew took his first steps. Like a drunken sailor on shore leave, he weaved and wobbled his way from the sofa to his daddy’s arms.
His first steps.
Towards a new future. For the both of them.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
The new beginning and the long goodbye
Manchester International Airport, Manchester
Adam was at the rear of the convoy as they all walked towards the departures gate. He thought to himself how with time, his family of friends had grown and evolved.
Almost a football squad.
He’d said goodbye to his parents earlier that week, but in truth it hadn’t been too difficult to do. Mary had already booked her flight to join him in New York the following week. She was closing down the B&B for the month of December and January, as promised, and had booked a flexible ticket so she could stay as long as he needed her.
The loving mother of his childhood was back. He hadn’t realised how much he needed and missed her until now. He supposed they would both kick themselves that they allowed a stupid fight last a decade.
Bill was going to fly over in a few weeks too, to spend Christmas with them. And he casually threw in that he might bring George too. When Adam raised his eyebrow at this, he’d smiled and said, ‘I thought I might see if true love strikes more than once. Maybe it’s time I settled down.’
Adam didn’t know if that was possible. But he liked the idea of his father having someone to take care of him. He hoped George was the guy for that. But with his dad, he’d learned that anything – or rather anyone – was possible.
It looked like he would be ringing in the New Year in 2004 with both his parents. That was something he’d never dreamed was possible.
They arrived at the departure gate and the friends made a semi-circle around Adam and Matthew.
David stood to his left, with his arm slung loosely around Robyn’s shoulders. They had matching cream sweaters on, tied casually around their necks with a jaunty knot. At a guess, Adam reckoned Robyn had spent time in creating this look for them, earlier that morning.
He was right.
Holding on to Robyn’s hand was Josh. He still afforded her hero worship status and it didn’t look like that was going to change any time soon. In his head, she’d become a superhero, slaying the dragon teacher. His other hand was holding on to the double buggy that Karen stood behind.
Karen laughed at something Robyn said and David joined in soon afterwards.
How far they had come, Adam thought.
Pete was wearing a baby sling, his pride and joy, Chloe, nestled comfortably against his chest. Chloe, it turned out was the biggest love of Pete’s life. Jenny held on to little Adam’s arm, who was squirming to get away and run. And boy, that kid was fast. They’d only just retrieved him from his last bolt, which resulted in a mad dash around WHSmith’s and the toppling of the latest bestsellers.
Adam, meanwhile, had his own sling on, with Matthew happily resting his head on his chest. He was tired, and struggling to keep his two little eyes open.
Adam loved holding him like this. He much preferred the sling to their buggy. But he knew that this time was already almost at an end. Now Matthew had found his legs and could walk, he rarely sat still.
And last, but never least, standing beside Adam, was Rachel.
She had been quiet this past week as he made his plans to leave and said his goodbyes to his mum and dad. Adam was pleased that she was by his side once more.
A silent witness and cheerleader to this momentous departure.
Now that they had reached the start of the airport security, the atmosphere changed between them. Smiles left faces and an air of solemnity descended upon the group.
Adam hated goodbyes; he’d had far too many of them lately. When he left for Belfast earlier that year, he had quietly slipped off, without a big farewell. But this was different. And there was no way his friends would let him go without them by his side, waving him off.
People bustled around them, tutting at the large group who were messily taking up space right in front of the departure gate’s entrance.
Jenny, ever practical, pulled Adam’s rucksack from his back. She opened it and rummaged her way through its contents. ‘They’ll probably make you taste Matthew’s baby bottles, you know,’ she told him.
Adam nodded. ‘Not a bother. I’ve done it before.’
‘I hope he sleeps all through the flight,’ Jenny said. ‘You make sure and get some rest while he does.’
Adam nodded. It was the strangest thing. Ever since he made the decision to leave, his bad dreams had stopped. He was sleeping through the night with no more dark shadowy figures chasing him down school corridors. He felt energised and rested.
He looked around the group again, and they all looked back, eyes wide and silent. Nobody wanted to make the first move to say goodbye.
‘I need to get going. Don’t want to miss the flight.’ Adam couldn’t put this moment off any longer.
In the end, it was Robyn who was the first to break the silence. She moved forward and said, ‘My brother lives in New York. He’s a good guy, I think you might like him. I’ve called him and told him to look out for you. He said you should call him too.’ She pressed a card in his hand and he placed it in his jeans pocket.
‘Thanks, Robyn. I appreciate that.’ He leaned in to kiss her cheek and she smiled as she bent down to kiss Matthew’s sleeping head.
‘I’ll look forward to seeing you soon,’ Robyn said, and she moved back.
David stepped up, lifting Josh up high, so he could high-five Adam.
‘Up high!’ Adam said.
‘Down low!’ Josh replied, then moved his hand away, shouting with glee, ‘Too slow!’
They both giggled as if it was the first time they’d done that particular comedy routine.
‘Look after those sisters of yours,’ Adam said to him. ‘Big responsibility being the big brother.’
Josh nodded. Then he spotted a billboard with a photograph of Nemo on it. ‘Cool!’ he said
, running towards it.
‘I’ll go. You say your goodbyes,’ Robyn said to David and Karen.
David moved in to embrace Adam. His voice was gruff with emotion as he said, ‘I never had best friends until I met you and Pete. Don’t get too comfy over there in the Big Apple. Come back to us.’
‘My heart will always be in Manchester, never fear about that. You’re a good man, David Marsden. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.’
‘I’ll need a couple of best men, for my wedding,’ David said. ‘You better be back for it.’
‘Would be my honour. Sure Pete and I already have plans for your stag!’ Adam winked at him.
David walked back to Karen and busied himself tucking a blanket around Ellie and Olivia. He was rubbish at goodbyes.
Karen walked over to Adam. ‘Looks like it’s my turn.’
Adam smiled and kissed both her cheeks. ‘You going to be okay?’
‘Most days, I think I just might be.’ Her eyes didn’t leave Matthew’s sleeping face. She gently rubbed his cheek with her forefinger and whispered her favourite Dr Seuss quote about travelling to great places.
Adam leaned in and whispered to her, ‘You’re a cracker of a woman Karen. Don’t waste that. Go find yourself a good man. Have some fun. Maybe not with my dad though.’ He ended with a wink.
Karen smiled and hugged him tight.
‘You can come visit us, you know,’ Adam said. ‘All of you can.’
‘I’ve already been talking dates with Jenny. We think a girls’ shopping trip could be in order for the sales,’ Karen promised.
‘I’ll even carry the bags,’ Adam joked.
‘He’s all I have left of—’ Karen broke off and made a face, trying to compose herself. ‘I swore to myself, no tears. Keep it dignified. Best of British and all that.’
Adam smiled and said, ‘Sod that. You cry all you like. I’ve certainly done enough of it lately.’
‘He’s my godchild and if you need me, anytime, I will always be here for him. I take my role very seriously, you know,’ she said, smiling through her tears.
‘He’s lucky to have you. Goodness knows he’ll need someone with some sense to help keep him on the straight and narrow when he’s a teenager and probably hating his old man,’ Adam replied. ‘Be happy, Karen.’
He walked towards Jenny and Pete. They were rooted to the spot, unable to move.
Both were crying.
And for the first time, since he agreed to Lucy’s suggestion, he wondered if he was doing the right thing.
‘Just give me a minute, mate,’ Pete said. And he walked away to try to compose himself.
‘Remember, get in the cab, before you tell them where you’re going,’ Jenny advised. ‘Especially, if you’re leaving the borough. And don’t eat more than one slice of pizza a day. They’re addictive, but not good for your heart.’
Adam did a mock salute.
‘If you get lost, don’t take out a map. You might as well put a light over your head, saying, ‘‘come mug me’’!’ Jenny continued.
‘Lucy will fill me in on all the dos and don’ts,’ Adam said.
‘She’s only been there a wet weekend. I lived there. I was a New Yorker,’ Jenny said. ‘Head to Hell’s Kitchen. You’ll like it there. There’s a Greek restaurant that I’ve emailed the details of to you. Call in, say hi to them for me. Let’s just say, I had some fun nights there.’
‘Yes to all of that.’ Adam smiled at his friend. He knew that she was throwing all this at him, because she didn’t want to say goodbye.
‘I’m going to be fine,’ he assured her.
‘Call us when you land,’ Jenny said.
Adam saluted again, before hugging her one last time. Then he turned to Pete, who had returned, unsuccessful in his attempt to blink away the tears that had no intention of stopping.
‘Mate,’ Pete said.
‘Mate,’ Adam answered.
‘Won’t be the same without you over here.’
‘I know. A hard road ahead of you, Pete my auld pal, without me by your side to keep you out of trouble!’ Adam tried to joke, but his voice cracked at the end.
‘I still don’t understand why you can’t just stay over here,’ Pete said. ‘With all of us.’
Adam had tried so hard to make them all understand. His parents had just come back into his life, and it would be easy in many ways to just stay in Belfast, or here in Manchester, with the support that each city would give him.
But that wasn’t right for him and Matthew. Now now.
He needed to do as his mother said and find his version of a marathon. He needed to run. He needed to get busy.
He repeated his mother’s words to Pete, in another attempt to make him understand.
‘Don’t you see, it would take very little for me to fall into a hole of depression right now. And I can’t do that, not with Matthew to think about. I have to keep moving. Going to New York is my version of that athlete running twenty-six miles. I’m just trying to keep the darkness at bay mate,’ Adam said.
‘I get it,’ Pete replied and he swallowed hard on the lump in his throat. ‘I suppose, at least we have a good place sorted for David’s stag.’
‘Vegas baby!’ they both said at the same time.
‘What’s that?’ David asked.
‘Never you mind. Just make sure your passport is in order!’ Pete shouted over to him.
Adam and Pete looked at each other once more – two men, with their babies asleep on their chests. How had that happened? It was only yesterday that they were skipping school to smoke fags behind the old closed-down theatre.
As they looked at each other, a lifetime of memories bounced back and forth between them.
First day of high school. Sports days, where Adam was the captain and he always picked Pete before anyone else. First can of lager and then their first legal pint. First kisses. First loves. First heartbreaks. First friends. All the firsts, always, by each other’s side.
Mates.
They moved towards each other to embrace, and bumped baby slings. Chloe started to cry in annoyance and Matthew joined in for good measure.
‘Sshhh,’ Adam said to Matthew and Pete sang softly in Chloe’s ears, until she quietened down once more.
Pete held his hand out, to shake Adam’s. ‘Probably safer, mate.’
‘Aye,’ Adam said and he shook Pete’s hand firmly in his.
Then he leaned in and kissed Pete’s forehead. ‘Not mates. We’re brothers,’ he whispered.
‘Brothers,’ Pete whispered back.
Adam and Matthew walked towards the security gates, then turned one last time to look at each of their friends, who were standing huddled together waving.
‘I love you guys!’ Adam said to them.
And then he turned to walk through the sliding doors, towards his next big adventure.
He looked to his right and smiled at Rachel.
‘You had me doing things I’d never done before, from the moment you crashed into my life in that red car of yours, in Tesco’s car park.’
‘That was your fault. You should have been looking where you were going,’ Rachel teased. She’d never admitted fault in all their years together.
‘And here you are, still making me do things I’d never have thought possible.’
‘I’m quite a wonder really,’ Rachel answered with a smile.
She stopped walking and he turned back to her.
‘Come on, Rach. We better go.’
‘I’m not going with you. Not this time, Adam.’
The busy departures hall emptied around him as everything stopped with his wife’s words.
Fellow passengers wheeled their suitcases, emptied their pockets into plastic trays and red-faced security guards all faded into nothing. All that was left was Adam, Matthew and Rachel.
He felt fat tears pierce his eyes. ‘Why?’ he whispered.
‘You know why,’ Rachel said.
He did.
�
�Why can’t we just keep doing this?’
‘That wouldn’t be fair on you or Matthew,’ Rachel said.
His eyes blurred his vision and he blinked quickly so he didn’t miss a single moment of whatever time he had left with her.
‘You know that I’m not really standing here, don’t you love?’ Rachel said.
He didn’t want to say yes. He didn’t want to admit the truth out loud. Because then there would be no going back.
He’d spent months hiding from this truth. He’d spent months pretending that it was normal to have a relationship with his dead wife. But he always knew that Rachel wasn’t really here.
He put his two arms around Matthew, who was snoring softly, in deep slumber.
‘I have to let you go now, don’t I?’
‘And I have to let you go too,’ Rachel replied. ‘You have to move on. And you can’t. Not while I’m here, like this.’
Adam tried to find the words, to argue his case.
‘It’s not goodbye. Not really,’ Rachel said, smiling. Always smiling. ‘I’ll be here. Whenever you need me. In your head and in your heart.’
‘So it’s not the end?’
Rachel shook her head. ‘This, my love, is just the beginning for you.’
She moved closer and Adam closed his eyes and imagined her touch as she kissed his lips goodbye, before holding their son’s face between her hands.
The pain of her death was so profound, but this pain was different. It hurt, but it also felt inevitable, like he was finally doing what he was supposed to do.
Then she was gone. There was nothing he could have done to save her, to get her back. He had spent months in excruciating agony, trying to come to terms with her death.
He knew that for most of that time he was living with one foot in the past and one foot in the present.
He thought of his mother. She had spent years of her life living in the darkness. She had lost her son in the process. He had to learn from that. He had to make sure he didn’t follow that path. He had to move forward. Not just for Matthew. For himself too.
He leaned in and kissed his son’s forehead. Then he walked towards the security gate.
This wasn’t the end . . . it was just the beginning.
Cold Feet: The Lost Years Page 29