Broken Survivor

by Jennifer Labelle

  “I’ll show you insane, and you know what I can do. So I suggest you make it your problem, or I’ll give you something to be sorry for. You know my temper, and you don’t want the consequences.”

  Shit! Her hands shook violently at the sound of the dial tone after Christian hung up on her, and she quickly ran to her room to pack a bag. There was no way she was sticking around to wait for him. She’d just have to lie low for a couple days until everything blew over. At least she hoped it would. Now all she had to do was figure out where to go.

  Chapter Fifteen

  A few days later

  Dear Mom,

  Have you ever wished you could start your life all over again? To live far away where nobody knew you and anyone who did would never ever be able to find you?

  Sometimes I wish I did.

  I’ve had a fill of regrets to last a lifetime, especially with you. Speaking of…

  You’ve got the worst taste in men, and it pisses me off. I feel the need to remind you that not only did you pick wrong by choosing a man who took you away so violently and left me with the scars, but you also left us with a man who’s a fucking self-absorbed psycho, the idiot you chose to father your children.

  He threatened me the other day, and I’m sick of running scared. It’s been a couple days since, and I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it’s time I stood my ground no matter the consequences. I’m just hoping he’s full of hot air at the moment. You know, more bark than bite, but I’m at the point where I don’t care anymore. The outcome of it will be whatever it’ll be, but one thing I do know is that I’m done. He is done.

  And it saddens me at the same time it elates me. Weird, right?

  I’m sad for the longing I’ve felt trying to imagine the father I should have had, the husband he could’ve been to you, and the fact that you’d still be here if he’d been a better person. Yet I feel proud in knowing that I’m doing what I feel is best. He’ll never change. Sad, I know that. I know you do too.

  It also makes me wonder whether you regret some of your choices in life. Yes, he chose to treat you like shit. Christian does that with almost everyone. He’s an asshole. What I’ll never fully understand, though, is why you chose to stay for so long.

  I realize you are only human, and we all make mistakes. Some of them huge, and nobody is perfect.

  Even though I have spurts of anger, I’ve come to the conclusion that not all of it was your fault. You were a good mom, great even, and always put others before yourself. You tried to see the good in everyone and went above and beyond to help out. What you didn’t see, however, was the greatness in yourself, and I’m saddened by that because it turned out to be your curse and the cause of your demise.

  It affected us all, and when you think about it, Christian is also partly to blame. I hate to state the obvious, but his abusive nature clearly wore you down enough through the years that you lost sight of your own worth. I know what I’m saying might not make sense to other people, but we lived through it.

  You know, they say if you grow up around abuse, the odds are more likely that you’ll end up in a similar situation as your life goes on, because it’s the world you know. Do you believe in that crap?

  Well, I refuse to be a statistic. I will not be abused, I will not be a drug addict, and I’ll no longer be running. It’s a promise to myself and part of the promise I made you from the start. I plan to stand tall, grow stronger, and strive to be a better person than I currently am, because I’ve messed up, I am screwed up, but I’ve also got a stubborn streak and determination to back me up. So that’s a good thing.

  You can’t tell me what to do, and if anyone tries to tell me I can’t do something, it makes me want it more to prove anyone who doubted that they’re wrong about me.

  Being around Zander helped me realize that life is worth living to its fullest, and with one day at a time I can make it through the tough parts. It’s easier said than done, of course, but he’s showing me a good side to life that I’ve never experienced before.

  I think you’d like him.

  I love him.

  But you can also thank your sister this time too.

  Karen and I haven’t had the best relationship. A lot of that is due to grief, and some of it due to misunderstandings, but when push comes to shove, she’s been there for me, and it was her who helped me come to the conclusion this time that I should cut ties.

  I had nowhere to go when Christian threatened me. I couldn’t get a hold of Zander or Chrystal, and I didn’t feel safe in the apartment with him on the way, so I called her. I needed someone who I knew I could open up to, and she knows our story. It’s been a learning experience for me. I hope she knows my appreciation.

  I’m not sure why I felt the need to write this to you. I guess I just needed to feel some sort of connection again. Deep down I fear I’ll one day forget you, and I don’t ever want to.

  I wish I knew then what I know now. I’d give anything to change the past. I miss you so much, I’ll always ache.

  Wish me luck!

  XOXO

  Holly

  ***

  “There you are,” Zander growled and stood from the bench in front of her apartment as though he’d been waiting awhile.

  “Zander?” Holly quickly waved good-bye to her uncle as he backed his car away from the curb. “What are you doing here?”

  “Well, I spent the last couple days wondering when you’d be coming home.” He followed her inside the apartment and once inside stood with his feet apart and arms folded across his chest as though he meant business. “I talked to Chrystal, but she didn’t give me much to go on. Why didn’t you call me?”

  “I tried right away but there wasn’t an answer, so I ended up at Karen’s for a couple days. Besides, we didn’t exactly leave each other with hugs and kisses the last time we were together, and I wasn’t sure if you were still upset. Everything just happened so fast, and I couldn’t take the chance Christian would get to me before I could leave.”

  “What happened?” He wasn’t budging and she sighed. She was hoping to avoid the explanation and not taint him with the poison that was her dad, but she could tell he wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

  “Okay, but just remember, you asked for it. Can we at least sit while I talk?” She gestured to the couch and didn’t wait for him to follow her. All of this soul-searching and worry over the last couple of days was draining.

  Zander, being Zander, seemed to sense this and pulled her toward him. He wrapped his arms around her body, kissed the top of her head, and leaned back so they both could get more comfortable while she hashed out every detail of the phone conversation with her deluded father. The accusations, the threats, and the reasons she came up with for his actions, mainly his drug withdrawal. There was no excuse for his behavior, but this was the kind of person he was and would always be. She also let Zander know that she was done running, and she finished with an apology.

  “I hate fighting with you, and I was being a total bitch, but I missed you.” She shrugged. “And it pissed me off that you hadn’t considered taking me with you when we were supposed to spend the day together. I could’ve hung out with Jess while you did your thing with your brother.” She adjusted herself so she could look at him better. “Water under the bridge?”

  Instead of answering, he cupped the back of her head with one hand and caressed the side of her face with his other. His thumb rubbed across her cheek and moved to her lips. He leaned forward for a taste and showed her they were good through his kiss. Holly turned in his arms and climbed in his lap, doing her best to hold on to the moment.

  Zander always brought forth the good, while she struggled through so much of the bad. “So?” She tilted her head to the side and waited.

  “I think my answer was in my actions, babe. We’re good.” He rubbed her back after she lunged forward and hugged him tightly.

  “Thank you.” She breathed deeply with relief.

  “Your dad’s a
n asshole.” He grunted and then chuckled. “I think it’s a little late to keep my dick in my pants. That ship has long sailed, and I’d like to see him try anything. That comment was the only funny thing about this. Now pack your bag again or take the one you already have. I don’t really care.”

  “But I just got home. I—” Holly stood in front of him with her hands on her hips.

  “Humor me, Hol.” He stood too and scowled. “I need you with me right now. That asswipe isn’t coming within three feet of you until I know you’ll be safe. So right now you’re getting ready to come stay at my house for a bit.”

  “And how will your parents feel about that?” she retorted.

  “Don’t know, don’t care. I pay them rent, so I think I’m entitled to a guest.” He turned to her bag she’d dropped on the floor earlier and lifted it. “Now is this good, or do you need to add to it?”

  “I’ll need some fresh clothes, but otherwise it’ll be good.” She caught the duffle he tossed her way and held it to her chest. “What if we just stayed here? We’d probably get more privacy and—”

  He shook his head. “Maybe in another day or two, but right now I want to be in my territory. Besides, I have a room with a door and everything. It even locks,” he said sarcastically, and then his face softened. “Please?”

  Now, how could she refuse?

  “Fine,” she groaned and then headed to her room to repack. She missed being at home, but she’d humor him for now and go because he was trying to protect her in his own way. At least he cared.

  She’d done a lot of thinking these past few days, and Christian’s drama wasn’t the only thing on her mind.

  They needed to have a serious talk and she was nervous about it. Holly bit her lip and turned to see Zander leaning against her bedroom doorway patiently waiting. The outcome was unpredictable, and she was about to lay everything on the line, her heart, her feelings, and what she had to say could possibly affect the outcome of their relationship. She just hadn’t decided when exactly to do it yet.

  “Okay, I think I’ve got everything.” She tried to smile but failed miserably and hugged her duffle again as though it was a lifeline.

  “Hey.” Zander came toward her. “You still worried about your dad coming?

  “Not really.” She shook her head. “It’s just been a tiring week, and I think I’ve used up most of my sick days at work.” A partial truth…

  He hugged her. “Yeah, that’s a definite downer,” he joked and took her bag. “You ready?”

  “I guess I am. I love you.”

  “Me too.” He winked.

  She took another look around and a deep breath as she followed him out.

  ***

  Three days.

  It had been three days since she’d been home and going on a week total since Christian’s call. It was time to get back to normal and get back to work before she lost her job. Tonight, though, she was planning to come clean and try to enjoy her last evening sharing his bed. Unless…

  “Zander, honey, we need to talk.”

  His room in the basement was dim and cozy. She’d been lying in his arms content and comfortable while they watched TV together, and she decided now was the perfect time to bite the bullet.

  “Uh-oh, what did I do?” he teased, then kissed the top of her head and sat up, so she did the same. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, of course.” She bit her lip nervously and hunched her shoulders. “No, actually, not that it’s necessarily bad or anything, b-but here’s the deal.” She took a big breath and watched warily as his eyebrows arched. “We’ve been together a couple years now, and it seems like it’s become a struggle to spend time with each other. Our work schedules are conflicting, and we have other things going on. And, I love you, I really, really do, but do you wonder sometimes if we shouldn’t take the next step? We’re both young, and I want more time with you. What I mean is, wouldn’t you like to know whether or not we’re both wasting our time?”

  “What the hell are you saying here?” The sheet dropped as he leaned toward her, exposing his bare chest, and she had to give herself a mental slap to concentrate. He was clearly misunderstanding her point, and she needed to clarify. Bad girl, bad, bad girl.

  Holly licked her lips. “I’m saying I want you, Zander, but I need to take our relationship to the next level.”

  “I’m listening,” he growled, still upset and folded his muscular arms across his chest.

  “Move in with me.” There, you did it. Now the ball is in his court to take it or leave it. Her heart beat faster, and she began to sweat a little bit. He was silent but he seemed more relaxed than he was a minute before, and she chewed on her lip again in anticipation. “Look, it’s not a make-or-break deal for us or anything. If you need time to think it over, take it. I’m just stating what I’d like from you, and I’ve been really nervous about getting it out there.”

  His lips twitched as if he was fighting a laugh and he shook his head. “You’re cute when you babble. Come ’ere.”

  “What did you think I was trying to tell you?”

  “It’s not a big deal.” He shrugged. “You just had me confused about your ‘we’re both young aren’t you curious if we’re wasting our time’ bit.”

  “Oh my God, you thought I was leaving you?” She looked up with wide eyes. “You obviously need a reminder of the depth of my feelings.”

  “Hmm, maybe I do.” He wiggled his eyebrows and laughed when she smacked his chest. “I hear what you’re saying, babe. Will you give me some time to think about it?”

  “S-sure.” She looked away from him to her hand playing in his chest hair, and as if he could sense her disappointment he didn’t give her time to dwell.

  “Hey,” he whispered and nudged her chin up to look at him again. “I love you too. I just want to make sure my parents will be okay without my extra income.”

  “’Kay—” He cut her off when his lips slammed down on hers again and began to show her his feelings through his touch and taste while they made love.

  Throughout the night he gave her everything he had. Sated and exhausted, Holly fell asleep in his arms feeling so much lighter. That was one tough task down; she’d worry about the other later.

  ***

  Oh my, God, seriously?

  Her worry about Christian had slowly begun to fade. He still hadn’t contacted her, which was a good thing, sort of. What she hadn’t anticipated was the reaction Zander was getting from his family over her request to leave the nest and move in.

  Skye was distraught that her baby was even thinking about leaving, and in turn her affection for Holly took a direct hit. His oldest brother Jasper shared Skye’s sentiments, as he’d just broken up with his fiancée after she’d cheated on him and figured that all women were the same. His father, however, seemed to support his decision either way, giving him room to make up his own mind, and Sebastien had his own family to worry about, so he didn’t much care either way.

  She felt bad because Zander seemed torn at first.

  Two weeks had passed since she’d made her request, and he’d just walked in the door of her apartment for dinner looking drained again.

  “Hey.” Holly made him sit and rubbed his shoulders to help him relax. “Did you have a hard day?”

  “You can say that.” Zander’s head rolled back, and he moaned as she started to massage him. “I’m not sure what to do.”

  “About?” She held her breath, knowing deep down what he meant but needed him to confirm to be sure. After all, he could be talking about anything. Yeah, keep telling yourself that, Holly.

  “Breathe, babe. I’m talking about us, the next step, and my family.” He pulled her around him and sat her on his lap so that she straddled him.

  “The last thing I intended was to piss your mother off or your brother, but it’s unfair of him to compare me to his ex. I’m not her, and I think we’ve been together long enough that you know it too. I get your mom to a certain extent. You’re her bab
y boy, the youngest, and she doesn’t want to see that you’ve grown up, but you’re twenty-two now, and she’s going to have to acknowledge it someday. I hate that it’s caused you stress or that you feel torn, and I’m not going to pressure you into making a decision you’ll regret.” She moved her fingers through his hair and began to play with the ends at his nape. “If you want to forget I asked you to move in, tell me no, and we’ll try to move on. All I wanted was to give it a shot. It would give us the opportunity to spend more time together and not worry. I just want you to do what you want to in here…” She pointed to his heart. “Should I be worried?”

  “No.” He guffawed and wrapped his arms around her tightly. “One of the things I love about you is that you overthink things. It’s kinda cute. Thing is, I made up my mind already. I’m just not sure how to break the news to my mother.”

  “Oh.” Holly grinned and clapped her hands in delight. “Just so we’re clear, are you telling me your answer is yes?”

  He grunted and nodded while she bounced and squealed with delight. “Hol,” he warned and held her still. “Keep bouncing on me and these dishes will end up on the floor, and we won’t be eating that dinner you made anytime soon.”

  “Sorry.” Holly bit her lip and looked sheepish when she gazed at the table and back at him again. Before she left for work in the morning she’d gotten the Crock-Pot ready, and the aroma of roast, gravy, and veggies now filled the house. “Let me just turn on the burner for the potatoes and we’ll be able to eat.” She climbed off him and walked the three feet to the stove.

  “Smells great.” He sniffed the air appreciatively, got up, and caged her in at the counter while she washed her hands, his front to her back. “Need help with anything?”

  “Not really.” She giggled and got goose bumps when his lips met the back of her neck. “Come on, naughty boy, let’s get you on the couch to relax a bit.” She turned around and laced her fingers through his to give him a tug forward, but he had other plans.