Broken Survivor

by Jennifer Labelle

“Freaked me out a little too,” he whispered. “Do me a favor?”

  “A-anything.” She wiped her face free of tears and waited.

  “Don’t ever do that again. I get that Christian’s a piece of work, but I don’t like what I saw. You’re better than that.”

  “I know. I don’t like it either, but it felt as if I was trapped in the bad memories and I couldn’t escape. I lost control. You know what scared me the most?” she asked and continued without waiting for him to answer. “At the end, when you were cleaning me up, I felt just like him after hitting that wall. The anger overwhelmed me, and I was no better than the man I just cut out of my life. I don’t ever want to go back.” She sniffed and tried holding back new tears that threatened to fall.

  “Then don’t.” He held her closer. “I’ll remind you of the good.”

  “The light to my darkness.” She managed a small smile. “Thank you.”

  She felt him give a curt nod, and he kissed the back of her head. “Now sleep and tomorrow will be a better day.”

  “If you say so.” She sighed. “It’s hard to breathe sometimes when the pain consumes me, like I’m suffocating and the bad memories want me to drown. My heart feels like it wants to leap out of my chest, and I either get angry or start to panic because of it. I guess he triggered it tonight, and I lost it. All I could think about was my mom and the shit she went through, the stuff me and Chrystal endured, and then he left and she met Clay. If people wonder why I have more bad memories about my father than I do about the man who murdered her, it’s because my dad was always violent and it didn’t take much to trigger him, but with Clay it was different. He never touched my mom in the two years or so they were together, until that night. You think it would have been my father who would’ve killed her.” She shook her head and silently cried some more. “I still feel so guilty.”

  “About what?” Zander kissed her again.

  “About writing down the things he was saying and showing them to my mom. If I had just minded my own business, maybe she would’ve just gone to bed, and then they wouldn’t have argued.”

  “Why did you?” he whispered.

  “Write everything down?” She shrugged. “Because I thought she’d take him back, and I didn’t like him. It was always better when it was just the three of us, and I wanted to prove he was a douche. Selfish reasons, really.”

  “Not really. You were trying to look out for her and it backfired. It’s not something you could’ve controlled, Hol. Nobody could’ve predicted he would snap the way he did.”

  “If you say so.” She wiped her face again and turned to look at him. “You’re pretty awesome, have I told you that lately?”

  His finger trailed down her cheek and landed under her chin, pushing it up so he could look into her eyes. “I am pretty awesome, aren’t I?”

  “Your head just got bigger.” He chuckled when she said that, and she smiled.

  “Hey, if it puts a smile back on that pretty face, the bigger the better.” He wiggled his brows. “Now sleep. It’ll do you some good.”

  “Will you stay with me?” She laid her head on his chest and listened to the soothing sound of his heartbeat.

  “I will. Night, babe. Sweet dreams.”

  Holly had known the conversation with her dad would be a hard one, considering his unpredictable moods and her fear of how he would take it, but what she hadn’t counted on was the flood of memories it would bring forth and her reaction afterward.

  It’d been a long journey since the death of her mother, and it seemed she wasn’t quite as over her past as she’d hoped to be. She squeezed Zander tighter and listened to the combination of his even breathing and heart beating until sleep finally consumed her.

  A new day is a new start. She just needed to repeat this mantra Jace had taught her and move forward.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Winter of 2000

  Dear Mom,

  I could really use you again right about now. Two weeks ago I was horribly sick with bronchitis, and now I think I have some sort of flu. My chest aches, I’m always tired, I’m bloated, moody, and I’m nauseous all the time.

  I must be the unluckiest person in the world. The crappy part about growing up is that you have nobody to take care of you but yourself. I miss the good old days when you were around to make sure I got plenty of fluids and a ton of rest. It’s not so easy anymore.

  When I was younger, I always used to wish I was older. What a fucking crock that was, I tell you.

  Someone should have definitely knocked some sense into me, because I never realized how good I had it until everything was taken away. I had to grow up way too fast, and that shit is not all it’s cracked up to be.

  Anyway…

  Zander’s great, of course, and we’re still together going strong. We have our ups and downs like most couples, but he’s my rock and I’m still very grateful to have him in my life.

  Speaking of…

  I’m worried because I’m seriously late and it’s stressing me out. Know what I’m saying? L-A-T-E late, but it’s only been a few weeks, so I’m trying not to freak. It could be all in my head or stress-related too, right?

  I could sure use some advice right now, like how do I break it to Zander if I am? “Hey, honey, I’ve been sick as a dog, but that’s not all by the way, because I may be pregnant too…LOL.” (There is not much humor in that laugh, by the way.)

  It’s not as if I think he’ll be upset about it. We’ve been together long enough now, and we love each other to the moon and back, but he might worry a little. What if it’s a repeat of the last time? I tell you, although I’d love to be a mother more than anything, I could not handle losing another baby.

  Maybe I’ll just wait another week and see what happens. If I still don’t start then, I’ll take the test, butter him up a bit, and let him know what it says then.

  Please look out for me from wherever you are, and wish me luck.

  XOXO

  Holly

  P.S. It just came to me. You know what’s strange about this whole situation? You would’ve been in your forties this year.

  I can remember clearly how you used to tell people that you couldn’t wait to be that age because Chrys and I would be all grown up, probably on our own, and possibly giving you grandbabies. You couldn’t wait. It meant freedom for you, and the joy of loving those babies and getting to send them home once you were tired. We’ll find out soon enough if your prediction—or hope, I should probably call it—was right or not.

  What I wouldn’t give to see you with your grandchild in your arms. To see the delight on your face and to see your love grow even more for another little human being. They’d be spoiled rotten just like I was.

  If only…

  ***

  Big white snowflakes fell from the drab gray sky. It was windy as hell, and horribly wet and slushy outside. Canadian winters sucked, period. One day, I vow to move someplace warm and toasty all year round. Holly shivered and pulled her scarf up to cover part of her face to keep warm. The great thing about working fifteen minutes from home was that it didn’t take long to get there, so she never had to rush to be out the door in the morning. The bad part about working so close to home was that she had to walk in the cold in the winter, freezing her butt off. In this weather, it seriously sucked to be her.

  Beer, check.

  Dinner started in the Crock-Pot, check.

  A trip to the pharmacy, check.

  Today was the day.

  Part of Plan Butter Up was to make a good dinner, have a few beers in hand for Zander, and watch the hockey game on TV with him, so she mentally went through her checklist one last time.

  She wanted to rush home and pee on the two pregnancy tests she’d bought before she left work. It never hurt to be too thorough, especially if the result could alter the rest of your life.

  Damn, I’m nervous. She took a deep breath and exhaled as she approached the apartment building and let herself in. It’s showtime, Hol. N
ow quit stressing and put on your big-girl panties. It’ll be okay.

  She groaned as soon as the door closed behind her. Her boots were a horrible quality. Her feet were drenched, and her toes were so cold they were numb. “That’s it.” She pulled off the first, then the other, and then came the socks. The warmth of the apartment was heavenly.

  She put the beer in the fridge, checked on dinner, and threw the pharmacy bag beside her when she sat on the couch. “Now this is the life.” She sighed and put her feet up, stretched, and wiggled her toes. I’ll just relax for a minute and then…

  “Hol, you home yet?” Zander called.

  “Over here.” She bolted upright and quickly shoved the pharmacy bag behind a cushion before he came into the living room.

  “Something smells good in here.” He sniffed appreciatively, and the corner of his mouth kicked up in a half-smile. “What is that?”

  “Uh, stew. Are you hungry?” She stood, wrapped her hand around his bicep, and with one nervous glance back to the guilty cushion, she guided him into the kitchen. “It’s pretty cold out there today, huh?”

  “I froze my ass off.” He sat at the table and rubbed his hands together as if to warm them. “It’s good to be home.”

  “I agree. A night at home with warmth, a hearty meal, beer, and a hockey game. What can go wrong?” Holly filled two bowls and set some fresh bread and butter on the table to dip into it.

  “We’ve got beer?” He quirked an eyebrow and looked at her as though he knew something was up. “Since when?”

  “I picked some up before coming home.” Holly shrugged. “Thought maybe you’d like to unwind and have one or two during the game tonight.” She opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle for him and poured herself a glass of milk before joining him. “Dig in.”

  “Is everything okay?” He took a bite and moaned. “This is good, by the way.”

  “Um, thanks, and I’m fine, why?”

  “No reason, I guess.” He chuckled. “You just don’t normally go out of your way to get beer and bring it home unless it’s a special occasion or you want something.”

  “Not this time.” She bit her lip and took a big mouthful of food. “I just wanted to have a relaxing night and thought you might like a drink.” Just go for it, damn it! Over the past few years, drinking had become a “once or twice a year” thing, and she suspected that’s why having beer in the house now made him suspicious.

  He shrugged as if satisfied and concentrated on eating again.

  “And well, you’re partly right I guess, because I did want to suck up a bit. No, I don’t want anything in particular, and it’s obviously not a special occasion, but we do need to talk.”

  “About?” he inquired and grabbed a big piece of bread to clean the rest of the thick gravy from his bowl.

  “Well, since you ruined my plans of finding out before you got home, I’ll just come out with it. I’m late, quite late actually, and since the beer store and the pharmacy aren’t far apart, I figured what the hell.”

  “Ruined what plans? Late?” He cocked his head to the side, and his spoon made a loud noise when he dropped it inside his bowl. “Wait, what?”

  “I went to the pharmacy to get a pregnancy test—two actually, just to make sure. As I said, I’m late.” She nodded. “I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. I was going to take them before you got home, but I didn’t get the chance.”

  “Well, what are you waiting for?” His chair scrapped across the floor and he stood. “Where are they?”

  “The bag is behind the couch cushion on the right side. Maybe I should wait until the morning. They say the first pee is the strongest, I think.” She stood as he walked out of the room, and a minute later he came back in with the tests.

  “Eat.” He pointed to her chair and sat back down. “If you think I’m going to wait until the morning to find out, you’re out of your mind. Finish your food while I read the directions, and then you’re going to take at least one of these.” He held up one test that showed the results as a plus or minus sign and then the other, which used two lines to mean pregnant and one line to mean not pregnant.

  “Bossy much?” she mumbled and couldn’t take it anymore. “Are you worried?”

  “No, why would I be?” It apparently dawned on him as he looked up. “You are?”

  “Maybe a little.” She looked away quickly and her half-eaten food went untouched. “I’m not very hungry anymore. Which one should I take first?”

  “I don’t think it matters.” He pushed the one-line, two-line test toward her. “Things are different now, Hol. What happened before was a freak accident and neither of us were ready. We were so young.”

  “I know.” She managed a quick smile. “Would you be happy if I…”

  “Absolutely. And if it doesn’t happen now, it will one day. I want a boy, by the way.” He grinned and already looked proud. “At least for the first one. After that I really don’t care what gender our kids are as long as they’re all happy and healthy.”

  “Oh, that’s not asking for much.” She guffawed. “I think it’s the men who determine the sex of the baby, if I’m not mistaken, and I want a girl, if not for the first, then eventually. I got cheated out of the bond with my mother, so maybe I can experience it with a daughter of my own. Deal?”

  He shrugged. “Let’s find out once and for all and go from there.”

  Zander settled on the couch and watched her before he flipped on the TV. She gripped the test tightly and walked to the bathroom to get it done. It only took a minute to do, and she set it on the counter while she washed her hands. Holy shit!

  “Uh, honey, how long did it say it would take to see the result on the screen?” Holly held the test and walked out in shock.

  “Three to five minutes. Why?” He sat up and grabbed the stick she held toward him.

  “Because two lines showed up immediately. I’m talking like within seconds, and they’re dark.” She sat beside him, and on instinct her hand traveled to her belly and stayed there.

  “Is there something wrong with this one?” Zander eyed the test and shook it. “Why would it say it’d take minutes if it only took a couple seconds to show up?”

  “Be careful with that thing, would you? I did pee on that, you know.” She grimaced, thinking about any landing on them while he did that. “Look, I’m not sure, but I’ve never heard of a false positive. I can make a doctor’s appointment in the morning to confirm.”

  “I think we should.” He squeezed her hand. “Go take the other one and see what that says.”

  “Okay.” Holly stood and went back to the bathroom. She drank a large glass of water and turned on the tap, hoping the sound of the water flow would make her go again. She was successful a few minutes later. This test had the same result, only with a bright plus sign.

  “Well?” He stood again and moved to her side as she walked back into the living room.

  “The same.” She handed it over too. “I guess I’m pregnant.”

  After looking at the second test, he tossed it on the coffee table, swooped Holly up, and twirled her around. When she was on her feet again, he slid down and got on his knees to kiss her stomach. “You’re having my baby.”

  His awestruck expression and reaction to the news was a precious moment she knew she’d remember always. Was life actually looking up again? If all went well, it appeared so.

  ***

  Two days later

  Why was it a person always had to wait so long to see a doctor?

  Her appointment was scheduled for six p.m., and it was now half past. Damn, she hated waiting rooms with their boring beige walls and the displays of pamphlets on various addictions, nasty diseases, ailments, and more. She’d already read through the three pregnancy ones they had. The chairs were jammed together way too close in such a small place, they were hard and uncomfortable, and don’t even get her started on the weird strangers around them.

  “Relax, babe.” She was biting her lip so hard sh
e’d begun to draw blood, so Zander pried her lower lip loose and handed her a tissue. “This is just to confirm what we pretty much already figured out.”

  “I know. I guess I just need those words of validation to feel better. It’ll be nice to hear if everything is okay.” She sighed.

  “It will be. You want me to go in with you?”

  “Absolutely.” She took a deep breath and smiled. “I’d hate for you to miss out.”

  “Holly Hewitt?” That was the nurse calling. She was up.

  “It’s showtime. You ready?” He stood with her and grabbed her hand so they were united going in. Dr. Ryerson greeted them immediately. She did another pee test, the nurse took blood, and then Holly had to strip for an internal examination. Fun, fun, fun…not.

  “Well, my dear, it looks like you’re definitely having a baby, and so far so good, everything appears to be developing normally.” The doctor pressed on her lower abdomen a couple of times, then pulled her fingers out and discarded the glove she wore. “You may see some spotting for the next day or two because of the exam, so try not to worry if that occurs. Would you like to see if we could hear the heartbeat? According to your calculations since your last cycle, you’re about eleven weeks or so. That would make your due date sometime around the twenty-seventh of July. It may be too early yet to hear, but we can give it a shot.”

  “Okay. When do you normally hear a heartbeat during pregnancy?” she asked.

  “Well, the fetus’s heart begins to beat around six weeks along, but it’s about twelve weeks on average when we can actually hear it. Seeing as you’re very close to that, we may get lucky.”

  Zander pulled his chair closer and held her hand while Dr. Ryerson got the fetal Doppler ready.

  “The Doppler here sends and receives sound waves that reflect off your baby’s heart, amplifying it so you can hear the sound.” She turned it on and placed it on top of Holly’s stomach. It made a slight scratching sound as she moved it around, and then, voila! What sounded like little hoof beats echoed around the room.