Only Ever Yours

by Louise O'Neill

  Rumor has it he had to choose heidi because of my disqualification. megan was wrong. A girl who had sex before marriage has been chosen for the companion third.

  heidi doesn’t look very happy as she shuffles onstage to accept her ivory cloak from the Father, taking her place beneath the white triangle of the companions. She throws longing glances at her former friends, glances that are duly ignored.

  “Inheritant #9, Abraham, has chosen cara.”

  cara gets to her feet a little unsteadily. I know she expected to rank higher than that.

  “Better be prepared,” rosie yells from the row behind me, her voice crystal clear. “Abraham likes to use the back entrance!”

  Confusion colors cara’s face as she accepts her cloak and stands next to heidi, a determinedly composed expression on her face. There is no room for hurt feelings in the thirds.

  A name and a name and another name. One girl walks up the steps to receive her cloak, then the next. I can’t remember which Inheritant each eve has been paired with and I doubt the other girls do either. What does it matter? We may be interchangeable, but so are the Inheritants, in their own way.

  “And now, our last Inheritant. Darwin Goldsmith,” the Father announces. I look around at the thinning group of girls. It’s only megan and me left from this year’s original top ten.

  “He has chosen …” The Father stops to mouth His thanks to chastity-anne, who has broken the rank of the chastities lined up behind his throne to place a bottle of EuroCola at His feet. He slowly removes the cap from the bottle, sniffs the drink and wipes the bottle neck carefully. He looks at each of us in turn. Maybe Darwin chose christy. Maybe he chose naomi. “… megan.”

  megan’s hands curl into fists of victory and she takes her place onstage, wrapping the cloak around herself, her hair almost blue-black against the material. I should feel resentment.

  “All of you have been chosen to join the noble third of the companions. Do you swear to devote your lives to fulfilling your purpose as women? To be the best companions and mothers that you can be?” the Father solemnly asks.

  They swear to honor and obey their future husbands and to bear as many sons as their wombs will hold. I repeat, That should have been me, to myself over and over, as if I’m worrying a broken tooth with the tip of my tongue, waiting for the pain to come.

  “And now, for the third of the concubines, we have rosie …” She jumps up, clapping in delight, “and angelina …” The two girls embrace each other onstage, ecstatic smiles on their faces.

  More names. Increasingly lethargic applause. Stifled yawns becoming louder the further down the list He goes.

  “… and lucy …”

  “It’s liu, sorry,” she murmurs, her dark eyes downcast. He hands the cloak to her without further comment. He has no need to learn the name of a lesser concubine.

  “… and finally, as concubine #17, we have christy.”

  The stilted clapping jolts me out of my stupor as christy joins the large group of girls standing beneath the red triangle, her jaw clenched.

  “This year’s Inheritants have recommended that you all join the third of the concubines. Do you swear to devote your lives to the physical gratification of the good men of the Euro-Zone?”

  “We do,” the girls chorus. The original Heavenly Seventy girls are crowded toward the front, the leftover eves lurking behind, tugging anxiously at their scarlet Ceremony cloaks at the thought of what is in store.

  “And for the first time in years …” the Father gestures at the chastities, “actually, I believe it’s the first time since your inauguration, magdalena. Am I correct?”

  “You’re always correct,” chastity-ruth says as chastity-magdalena nods.

  “… we have an eve with the vocation to become a chastity. Can you join me onstage, agyness?”

  My name has not been called, but I follow agyness anyway. We move as one. There is no individuality in the third of the chastities.

  “So this is the girl that caused all the fuss,” the Father says, His eyes narrowing as He hands me my raven cloak. agyness and I stand beneath the black triangle, wrapping the robes around ourselves. I bury my hands in the deep pockets, feeling the coarse material against my skin. I am one of them now. “You’re lucky you have such good friends in high places, girl.” He turns to chastity-ruth. “I will make the announcement now,” he says, and she nods in automatic agreement.

  “Your attention, eves.” He hops onto His throne, sweeping His golden cloak back over His shoulders. All the eves stare up at him in rapture. “My current wife, after providing Me with two sons, has sadly become inefficient a little earlier than expected. She has graciously decided to bow out with honor …”

  “Step on the pyre, he means,” daria mutters to freja.

  “Well, she’s like thirty-four,” freja replies.

  “… so I have chosen a new companion from this batch of eves.”

  megan’s face pales. A Judge is one thing, but to be a companion to the Father himself? She looks around wildly. Who is the eve with the audacity to beat her?

  “The lucky lady is isabel.” He waits for the clapping to begin, a bemused look settling on his features when none is forthcoming. “Did you hear Me? isabel is to be My new companion.”

  isabel.

  Even if Darwin had chosen me, I still would have lost.

  “What?” gisele croaks, her queasy expression replicated on the face of each eve onstage as they realize the girl that they have spent the last School year tormenting is going to be the most powerful woman in the Euro-Zone.

  “isabel and I have always had a very, er, special relationship.” He rubs His hands together, the metal rings scraping against each other. I meet megan’s eyes across the stage and I see in them the same realization that is dawning on me. All year isabel left a trail of breadcrumbs for us to follow, but we were blind to them. And it’s too late now. It’s too late. “I suspected from the moment of her design she would become My companion when she came into her prime, but I made My final decision known to her before your School break last year.”

  So that’s why she has been distancing herself from me all year. She knew I wasn’t good enough to socialize with the Father’s future companion, and that I never would be good enough. But she still saved me in the end. I failed, once again, and she had to step in and fix my mess. I should feel grateful to her.

  “When will my new bride be joining me?” The Father twists around to face chastity-ruth.

  “She’ll be ready for you the day after tomorrow, Father,” she says, approaching the throne timidly. “I didn’t feel it would be appropriate for her to share a train with the ordinary companions.” I see megan flinch at the word “ordinary.”

  “Quite right,” the Father says, jumping down from the throne. The cloak is too long for Him, trailing on the floor. “She must be treated with due respect. Anyway, I’ve waited seventeen years for her. What’s another few days?”

  megan’s face is colorless against the ivory robe. She takes a step back, crunching gisele’s toes under her heels, ignoring her cry of pain.

  “anne and mary, take care of them,” chastity-ruth orders as the Father walks toward the marble steps and she dashes to catch up with Him. The other chastities follow her. None of them says goodbye or wishes us good luck, not even chastity-magdalena.

  “What now?” the twins ask as the Hall doors slam behind the Father and the chastities. “megs? What happens now?”

  “I don’t know,” megan snaps. “Why do you two always expect me to know the answer to everything?”

  “Now, now. Less of that, please,” chastity-mary says, beaming. “I want the concubines and the companions to follow me. I will escort you to the trains where you will be transferred to the main Euro-Zone.”

  “In different carriages, I hope,” megan mutters. She picks at her nails, the mint-green nail polish flaking off and drifting onto her cloak. Her triumph has been spectacularly short-lived.

  “The
concubines will go to their new lodgings,” chastity-mary continues. “And the companions will be presented to their respective husbands.”

  “Whose Inheritant am I again?” liz whispers to jessie. “Leonardo’s?”

  “I think I’m his. Aren’t you William’s?”

  “That’s enough,” chastity-anne interrupts. “You’re not getting any younger. Please form two separate lines and follow chastity-mary.”

  megan goes first on the right-hand side, rosie on the left. All the others divide effortlessly into their new formation. They march down the steps, through the Hall and out the doors. They do not look back.

  And then they are gone.

  “Another year over,” chastity-anne says to agyness and me. “Done and dusted.”

  How can this be the end of School? How can this be the great Ceremony that we have spent all these years preparing for? After everything, after all our worrying and waiting, all today amounted to was a tedious roll-call of names. I feel hollow with anticlimax, an emptiness mushrooming inside me.

  I look at agyness, and my disillusionment is echoed on her ordinarily cheerful face. She turns to look over her shoulder at the Hall entrance as if she’s hoping one of the eves will reappear and say it was all a joke.

  chastity-anne sighs. “It’s always the same, every year. I’m not sure what you girls were expecting.”

  More than this, I think. A lot more.

  “You’ll get used to it. I promise.”

  agyness and I still don’t move, and her voice becomes stern. “That’s enough, chastities. Follow me. It is time for your training to begin.”

  Day One

  As a chastity, I must be silent.

  As a chastity, I must be humble.

  As a chastity, I must be selfless.

  As a chastity, I must be modest.

  As a chastity, I must be obedient.

  As a chastity, I must be pure.

  As a chastity, I must be dutiful.

  As a chastity, I must be constant.

  As a chastity, I must be devoted.

  As a chastity, I must be ordinary.

  As a chastity, I must be faultless.

  As a chastity, I must integrate.

  As a chastity, I must sacrifice.

  As a chastity, I must surrender.

  Day Two

  Dawn recitation for all chastities

  I give myself up for the good of the Euro-Zone. I give myself up for the good of the Father. I give myself up for the good of my fellow chastities. I give myself up for the good of the School.

  What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up.

  Midmorning recitation for all chastities

  I give myself up for the good of the Euro-Zone. I give myself up for the good of the Father. I give myself up for the good of my fellow chastities. I give myself up for the good of the School.

  What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up.

  Prelunchtime recitation for all chastities

  I give myself up for the good of the Euro-Zone. I give myself up for the good of the Father. I give myself up for the good of my fellow chastities. I give myself up for the good of the School.

  What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up.

  Afternoon recitation for all chastities

  I give myself up for the good of the Euro-Zone. I give myself up for the good of the Father. I give myself up for the good of my fellow chastities. I give myself up for the good of the School.

  What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up.

  Predinner recitation for all chastities

  I give myself up for the good of the Euro-Zone. I give myself up for the good of the Father. I give myself up for the good of my fellow chastities. I give myself up for the good of the School.

  What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up.

  Bedtime recitation for all chastities

  I give myself up for the good of the Euro-Zone. I give myself up for the good of the Father. I give myself up for the good of my fellow chastities. I give myself up for the good of the School.

  What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up. What little I am, I give myself up.

  Day Three

  I do nothing but by the good grace of the Father.

  I say nothing but by the good grace of the Father.

  I have nothing but by the good grace of the Father.

  I am nothing but by the good grace of the Father.

  Thank you, Father, for your good grace.

  I promise to use my life as a chastity attempting to be worthy of it.

  Day Four

  I can’t sleep. I am finding it difficult to adjust to the eerie quiet of the chastities’ quarters, any sleepy sighs muffled behind the closed doors of our individual rooms. Here there are neither the nighttime Messages to distract me nor any SleepSound to push me into dreaming. chastities are not allowed to waste the School’s medication supplies, chastity-ruth told me.

  ruth. I keep forgetting that I must call her ruth now.

  Day one, day two, day three, day four.

  How many days are there in a lifetime?

  I’ve been assigned a room, a concrete square with a large oak door on one side. There is a single mattress dressed in black bed sheets, a wooden chest of drawers, painted black, and a matching rocking chair at the foot of the bed. A strip of wood is nailed into the wall opposite, seven identical black cloaks hanging from seven brass hooks, seven pairs of rubber-soled shoes lined up neatly beneath. There is a sink in the corner of the room, a narrow concrete ledge above it holding a plastic jug and a rotting rag with which to wash myself. The only light comes from a thick white candle enclosed in a glass lantern hanging from the ceiling. There are no mirrors here and I am glad of that. I do not want to see how depreciated I have become in a mere matter of days.

  I am lying on my stomach on the bed, my ePad propped up on the pillow as I scan through hundreds of fotos of the new megan Goldsmith. The restrictions on School to Zone internet access have been lifted now that I am a chastity, and although I know I shouldn’t look, I can’t help myself. I have been staring at one foto for at least an hour. It is from their wedding. In it, he is slipping his ring onto her finger. I search his face for a hint of regret, of wistfulness. I find none.

  There are other fotos too, of cara and the twins and daria and the rest of them, their faces radiant as they are given away to their husbands by the Father. Do any of them ever think of me? It seems impossible that they could forget me in such a short time.

  There is no mention of isabel on MyFace. I wanted to see fotos of her wedding dress. She was probably adorned in silk, pearl beading, real vintage lace, no expense spared; no plain ivory cloak for the bride of the Father. But her home page has been shut down. I suppose it would be unseemly for someone in her position to be so easily contactable. I should shut my page down too. I doubt isabel would want to get in touch with someone like me, not now anyway. And who else would be interested in the details of the chastity training program? Today they shaved my head. Today they ripped my useless womb out and I am empty, so empty.

  As a chastity, I must sacrifice.

  “felicity.”

  I am chastity-felicity now. They have even taken my name from me.

  “Why is your door open, felicity?” chastity-ruth says, pulling her black bathrobe firmly around her waist.

  I turn my ePad over so she can’t see what I’ve been looking at and sit up straight, using the pillow to protect my back against the cold concrete wall.

  “I said, why is your door open?”

  “Sorry, ruth.” My voice is hoarse from lack of use. “I always sleep with the door open.”

  I feel trapped otherwise.


  “Yes. Lots of changes,” she says, and sits on the wooden rocking chair at the end of my bed. She runs her hands along the armrests, clucking as she rubs dust between her fingertips.

  “How is agyness?” I ask. Because my role is as a nonteaching chastity, her training takes place separately to mine.

  “agyness?” She frowns at me. “I assume you are referring to chastity-agatha. You saw her at dinner, did you not?”

  agyness always sits at the other end of the table to me, her head turned away from me. Not that it matters. We chastities are forbidden to speak during mealtimes.

  “It tends to take new chastities some time to become accustomed to our way of life. Not me though. I took to it like the proverbial duck to water.” Something in my face must have registered my surprise and she smiles slowly at me. “You’re not the only one who watches the Nature Channel.”

  She leans back in the chair, never taking her eyes off me, and begins to rock back and forth, the sound of creaking wood filling the dead room.

  “I knew you would be awake, #630.”

  “SleepSound withdrawal.”

  “I knew you would be awake,” she says again, as if I haven’t spoken. “And do you know why?” She peers at me across the dimly lit room. “Do you?”

  “No, ruth.”

  “Because I know you. I always have.” I wait, unsure of how I am supposed to react. “I know your exact eye color and the texture of your hair. I know what weight you are. Obviously, I know about your difficulty sleeping. I know you pretend to dislike chocco but secretly it’s your favorite food. I know how much you resented isabel at times and how hard you tried to hide it. I know you hate #767. And I know how prone to flights of fancy you are. I’ve been trying to crush it out of you for years, haven’t I?” I nod, as she seems to expect me to. “But even I was astonished at your conviction that Darwin Goldsmith could somehow save you from your fate. Foolish little girl. Did you believe he was going to choose you? Did you? It has been amusing watching you scurry about the place, all fret and bother, scrambling to improve your ratings, desperately trying to cling onto Darwin. Honestly, #630, I’m sure he thought you were good for a bit of fun, but it’s unlikely he ever considered you companion material, my dear. Not you. He’ll probably find some …” she pauses, looking me up and down, “exotic companion to quench any physical urges. Maybe, from time to time, he’ll even close his eyes and pretend it’s some girl he used to know, some girl whose name he can’t quite remember.” I force my face to remain very still. “No, Judge Goldsmith made the right decision with #767. She will follow the rules. Don’t you agree?”