Totlandia: Spring

by Josie Brown

  “Oh my God! You didn’t tell her why, did you?” The thought of Bettina barging in on them in order to meet Hera, only to diss her to anyone within hearing distance—particularly Eleanor—was too much for Lorna to bear.

  He laughed. “Hey, I’m no fool. I told her Dante had a play date. I figure she wouldn’t show her face here if she thought a battalion of one-year-olds were underfoot.”

  The tension went out of Lorna’s shoulders. “That was smart thinking on your part. And it is a ‘play date’ of sorts.”

  The crunch of car wheels on the driveway brought the trepidation back to her face. She ran to the window. Yes, it was her mother. She had come in a brand new Leaf. That was to be expected.

  But Hera wasn’t alone. A pale bald man with a hawk nose, wearing almost sheer, white flowing robes, got out of the car, too.

  “Battle stations,” Lorna murmured under her breath as Matthew opened the front door.

  ***

  “Your aura is nice, Matthew.” Hera tilted her head as she examined her son-in-law. “A bright pink. The telltale sign of a tender and passionate soul. What a wonderful counterbalance to Lorna’s! She’s been a cloudy blue for so many years now.”

  At a loss for how to answer, Matthew gave a thumbs-up to his mother-in-law.

  Lorna stifled a groan. She was a cloudy blue, eh? She’d been around Hera’s mumbo jumbo all her life. She knew that in ReikiSpeak Hera had just pegged her as being fearful of the future and indecisive.

  Scared.

  She may have been right once, but not now, Lorna thought. The cost of fear is too high. It’s Dante’s well-being.

  Lorna glowered at her mother. “I thought I made it clear that you were to come alone.”

  Hera’s smile faltered, but only for a moment. “You specifically said I couldn’t bring the shaman, so I didn’t.” She raised a thin arm in the direction of her companion. “You know very well that a swami is someone very different.” Before Lorna could contradict her, Hera held out her arms to Matt. “Ah, and our little man here. May I hold him? So pale and yellow is his glow! Swami B, you see it too, don’t you?”

  The man in the flowing robes bobbed his head. “Yes, Hera, this child is an old soul! A healer in his own right.”

  “One day, maybe.” Hera clapped her hands together. “Wouldn’t that be wonderful?”

  “Mother, I told you about Dante’s condition. He’ll have his own issues to work through.”

  “Yes, dear Lorna. That is what Swami B and I are here for.” She nodded at the man.

  “Swami B?” Matt asked. “The B stands for…what? Bailey? Brown? Berkowitz?”

  The swami shrugged. “Brownstein.”

  Matt squinted at him. “I thought you looked familiar! Aren’t you the guy on that infomercial about those tricked-out timeshares?”

  “Good eye! Used to be. Then the Great Recession brought me enlightenment.”

  Hera snapped her fingers in front of his face. “Enough already. I paid you to do a healing, remember? It’s time to commence.”

  Swami B put his hands on Dante’s head and muttered a fast and furious chant, but the little boy obviously didn’t like it because he moaned and squirmed.

  Lorna slapped the man’s hands away. “Stop it! You’re scaring him!”

  “Lorna! How dare you?” Hera’s voice trembled. “We came all this way, and this is how you treat us?”

  “I asked you here because I thought you cared about me and wanted to be involved in my life.” Lorna’s tears felt like hot coals on her cheeks. “All I’m asking is that you be sensitive to my son’s needs and respect our wishes for him. Mother—Hera—really! Is that too much to ask?”

  The clouds of anger faded in Hera’s eyes. She nodded. But before she could speak, the doorbell chimed.

  Frustration fell heavy on Lorna’s lids. She took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and then headed for the front door.

  Bettina stood in front of her.

  “I came for a hug from my little nephew,” Bettina purred. “Where is the little prince?”

  Lorna couldn’t believe her ears. “Really? Now? Like, right this very moment?” Without thinking, she glanced toward the living room, where Hera held court.

  Noting the direction of Lorna’s concerned glance, Bettina plucked Dante from her sister-in-law’s arms and swept past her.

  Aw hell, thought Lorna.

  She steeled herself for the worst and said a little prayer.

  ***

  “Really? You’re Lorna’s mother?” Bettina looked from Hera to Lorna and back again. But as best as she could, she averted her eyes from the bald man who wore nothing under his sheer robe. The way his thing hung there, dangling free and easy, was utterly disgusting. Who was this guy, anyway?

  Well, if anything, her mother raised her with manners. She turned to the man, but kept her eyes pinned on his eyes. “And you’re Lorna’s father, I take it?”

  Hera’s brow almost hit the crown of her silvery buzz cut. “You’re too presumptuous, dear. I’ve come with a friend. Sadly, Lorna’s father and I parted ways many years ago. Before she was born, in fact.”

  Bettina smiled. “Ah! I see!” She’d figured as much. Not only was Lorna’s mother some old hippie, as it turns out, she’d had Lorna out of wedlock, too.

  Bettina was beside herself. Wait until Mother hears this, she thought. Thank goodness she’d rushed over when she did.

  It had pissed her off royally when Matt told her that Lorna was “too busy” to drop what she was doing in order to meet her and go over the Easter egg hunt details. Then, when Matt let it slip that Dante was in the middle of a play date, naturally she’d jumped to the conclusion that it was with Jade and Oliver, so she hurried right over. Brady’s investment in Matt’s startup scheme could limit his financial liquidity and ruin Art’s chance to talk to him regarding other investment opportunities.

  Bettina couldn’t let that happen.

  As far as she was concerned, Art’s redemption would take more than an apology. Even a vow of celibacy wouldn’t do it. Not that he was capable of either. Once a sick pervert, always a sick pervert.

  Art’s only chance of staying in her good graces was to secure Brady Pierce’s investment portfolio for his financial firm. Their double date with the Pierces was the first step in accomplishing that. It was the only hope she had of recouping her own losses with her husband.

  The financial ones, anyway.

  The emotional ones would always stand between them.

  Bettina looked over at Matt. The concern in his eyes for Lorna made her want to laugh and cry at the same time. Her brother was such a fool. She gave Dante a squeeze. Well, at least he had a beautiful son to console him.

  And now, she’d been presented the perfect opportunity in which to embarrass Lorna in front of Eleanor. “Hera, welcome to the family! In fact, I’m sure my mother, Eleanor, would love to meet you, too! I think a family dinner is called for!”

  Hera smiled. “I look forward to it. However, I won’t be available until May.”

  Bettina sighed her disappointment. “A shame. Leaving the country?” She wouldn’t have been surprised in the least to learn that Hera was on the lam. She’d take a quick perusal of Interpol’s Watch List when she got home. Finding Lorna’s mother there would be icing on the cake.

  Hera’s laughter was as light as a wind chime. “No, I’m staying put. But my calling is to guide new souls safely through the birth canal! New friendships, new relationships, new beginnings…”

  And a new way to torture Lorna, Bettina thought. Lorna’s mother is some sort of New Age doula? How perfectly grotesque! “We’ll make it May, then. In fact, how about Mother’s Day? I’m sure you—and Matt and my mother, Eleanor—will agree that it’s the perfect day to bring all our families together!”

  Hera nodded. “Then Mother’s Day it is!”

  Bettina smiled. The look of horror on Lorna’s face was priceless.

  ***

  Lorna was relieved that Matt t
ook the initiative to walk Bettina out. She was too numb to do so herself.

  Her only wish was that Bettina would never darken her doorstep again.

  She turned to her mother. “Bettina can be pushy. Listen, if you’re too busy on Mother’s Day, I can always make up some sort of excuse to get you out of it.”

  “On the contrary! I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” Hera shrugged. “No wonder you’ve stayed away all these years. You’ve done well with Matt, but that sister of his! Talk about bad karma.”

  Lorna’s heart leaped in her chest. “Then, you like Matt?”

  “Of course I do. What’s not to like? He’s a handsome man. He worships you, and”—Hera looked around at Lorna’s well-appointed living room—“you want for nothing.”

  Nothing except a happy and healthy son, Lorna thought. “Hera, Bettina doesn’t know about Dante’s condition.”

  Her mother snorted. “I’m not surprised! That Bettina woman is blind to her own emotions, so no doubt she can’t read them in others.”

  “Matt and I would prefer to tell her—and Eleanor, for that matter—when we feel the time is right.”

  Hera shrugged. “You can’t hold back the truth, Lorna. It has its own free will. Don’t be afraid of where it might take you.”

  She kissed her daughter. Then she nudged Swami B out of his trance and led him to the front door.

  3:14 p.m.

  “You would have been shocked, Mother! It was an absolute freak show! I thought I was in the Haight or something! In fact, I think I smelled pot on the pair of them.” Bettina shivered for effect. “Her head was practically shaved. Not to mention it’s half gray! I’m not talking highlights, Mother. Just…gray. Bland. Blah. I don’t think this woman—Hera is her name, believe it or not, like some Egyptian goddess or something!—I don’t think she’s ever seen the inside of a hair salon! The woman needs a serious makeover.”

  “Greek,” Eleanor murmured. She didn’t look up, but stayed with the chore at hand: icing a cake.

  Bettina looked up sharply. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you’ve got it wrong. The goddess, Hera? She’s Greek.” Eleanor sighed. “And Lorna’s mother doesn’t live in the Haight. She’s from Bolinas. Has been there for years. In fact, she’s a pillar of the community…if you can call it that. Actually, it’s more like a commune. Do people still use that word, ‘commune?’”

  Bettina stared at her mother. “How would I know? And why is it that you know so much about this…this person?”

  “Because I had her investigated years ago.” Eleanor stopped to face her daughter. “When it was obvious to me that Matt was smitten with Lorna and nothing I said could change his opinion, I felt it my duty to run a background check.”

  Bettina nodded. “A necessary evil. Perfectly understandable.”

  “Maybe. But finding out why Lorna was so evasive about her family didn’t really change anything, now did it? He loved her then and loves her more even now. It also made me realize why Lorna was so driven academically. With two deadbeat hippies for parents, she felt she had something to prove.” Eleanor shook her head in awe. “Well, I guess she proved it. To me, anyway.”

  Bettina couldn’t believe her ears. She’d come here to crow, but once again, Eleanor had taken Lorna’s side.

  “You’re too kind, Mother. You’re always giving Lorna the benefit of the doubt. I wish I could do the same, but she has no loyalty to our family. She has no loyalty to me!” Bettina spit out the words.

  “Dear, what in hell are you talking about?”

  If Bettina was going to bury Lorna once and for all, the place and time was here and now. “Your sweet, darling Lorna found out that Art…that Art was cheating on me, and she kept quiet about it!”

  “Ah. I see.” Eleanor thought for a while. Finally, she said, “I wouldn’t have told you either.”

  “What? How can you say that?”

  Eleanor took her daughter’s hand. “Bettina, let me ask you a question. Would you have told Lorna if you knew Matthew had taken a lover?”

  Touché. Of course they both know she wouldn’t—and not out of loyalty to Matthew, but because Bettina would enjoy knowing and keeping it a secret.

  Eleanor placed her hand on Bettina’s cheek. “You always put your father on a pedestal, but what you didn’t know is that your father has had numerous affairs.”

  “Father?” Bettina couldn’t believe her ears.

  “Sadly, yes. My friends knew. They also knew better than to hurt me with the knowledge. Why tell me? It’s not as if I would have ever left him. If anything, I would have hated them, not him.”

  But that’s just it, Mother, Bettina thought. I would want to be the messenger. I would want her to hate me.

  “Bettina, darling, if you’re having troubles in your marriage, the solution is simple. Spend less time with that damn club of yours, and more time with your husband.”

  That was it for Bettina. She stormed out the door.

  She didn’t start her car immediately, but sat in Eleanor’s driveway. It was just a mile between her home and Eleanor’s, but she was too shaken up to trust herself behind the wheel.

  She knew her mother was right. The more distant she felt from Art, the more important the club seemed to her.

  And yet, Bettina still refused to talk to Art about anything, let alone his affair and his fetish.

  Since his New Year’s Eve indiscretion, every time Art walked into a room, she walked out of it. She still couldn’t face him. He must finally have noticed because lately he’d call after her, sometimes chasing her down the hall. Even in heels she ran faster, and she was sure to lock the door after her. But he refused to take the hint. Instead, he’d stand outside the door, pleading for her attention, claiming he’d been “a very bad boy.”

  At such times, she was too mortified to even consider what he wanted from her.

  Maybe he wanted her to…

  Oh. My. God.

  Well! If that’s the case, he can beg all he wants, because I can’t! I won’t.

  He’d enjoy it too much.

  3:44 p.m.

  Kimberley Savitch had an axe to grind. Preferably on the back of Jade Pierce’s pretty little neck.

  She was more determined than ever to get Brady’s wife ousted from the club. It would be just payback for his jilting her, once his wife’s membership was formalized.

  To get herself out of her funk, she treated herself to a spa day. About damn time, too. The last one she’d had, she’d treated herself to a vajazzle, in the shape of a Christmas bell to celebrate the holidays.

  Alas, it had been a waste of money. Her husband was always too tired after work for sex, and Brady had quit calling.

  While an esthetician toiled downtown with hot wax and a paintbrush, Kimberley ruminated on her next course of action.

  Her mission: get Brady back.

  Or get the revenge she sought for his dumping her.

  She’d hoped that by now Jade had found the purple thong she’d left in the Pierce’s kitchen cabinet on Thanksgiving morning. But there hadn’t been any teary repercussions, let alone a break-up.

  “Hell,” Kimberley growled under her breath, “I’ll bet she never opened the cabinet because she never cooked a meal in her life!”

  She was certain Lily’s disappearance and subsequent panic in the corn maze would cost Jade her membership in the Onesies. How maddening it was to hear Bettina—Lily’s own mother—come to Jade’s defense!

  Just as the esthetician applied the final hot wax strip to Kimberley’s mound, a solution presented itself. Jade’s naivety is the key to getting Brady back.

  Just as the old saying suggested: keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. I’ll snuggle up to Jade. She’s so insecure that in no time at all, we’ll be BFFs. Better yet, I’ll promise her my vote for the Onesies T☺p M☺m!

  Kimberley was so excited she sat straight up. The esthetician, taken off guard, yanked a few more hairs than needed.
<
br />   Kimberley squealed like a banshee.

  “Oh my god! I’m so sorry!” the woman screamed back at her.

  Kimberley was afraid to look down. But from the look on the woman’s face, her guess was that major damage control would be needed.

  “Um…how would you feel about a moustache instead of a heart?” the esthetician asked meekly. “They’re coming back in vogue, you know.”

  “How would you feel about forgoing your tip?” Kimberley countered. “Oh, hell, just take it all off! In fact, let’s add a few stones: Can you spell out ‘Brady?’”

  Relieved, the woman nodded and got back to work.

  Kimberley knew that the odds her husband would be up for sex were slim to none. He’d never notice. Hell, he’d never even see it.

  It was time to get Brady back, and fast.

  She remembered Jade’s trepidation at her Top Moms challenge task, coordinating an advanced placement course for the Fivesies. She’d call Jade first thing in the morning and offer to give her a few suggestions over a coffee date after their PHM&T group meet-ups.

  Brady would be hers again in no time. Certainly before the stones fell out of her vajazzle.

  Chapter 6

  Friday, 11 January

  “You never called.” Brady tried to sound nonchalant, but he knew he wasn’t succeeding.

  He caught Ally just as she was leaving the Marina library’s children’s story hour. He overheard Jade talking on the phone to one of the other PHM&T mothers who was trying to set up a coffee date, informing her that perhaps they could rendezvous at the Moscone Park playground afterward, which was adjacent to the library.

  Perfect, he thought.

  He’d make sure to take his jog around the neighborhood right at that time. That way, he could pass the library just as she was coming out. Unlike Ally, who was always out the door after the meet-ups with her list of errands firmly in hand, Jade dawdled afterward, sometimes gossiping with the other moms, sometimes searching frantically for where she left Oliver’s jacket or his tiny mittens and hat.