"I don't know what she did that you want her out of your mind, Jason, but whoever ends up with your heart is a lucky girl. I hope you find her."
Her words choke me up a bit. Amelia had my heart, and I was the lucky one. That's the whole reason I can't give Dawn anything. It's not fair when my whole heart was torn out of me. There's nothing left to give, but I can't tell her that. I just shrug at her in return, hoping she'll get the hint that I don't want to talk about it. She rests her hand on my shoulder as she pulls herself up, and gives it a little squeeze before grabbing her discarded clothes and getting dressed without another word.
Just before she walks out the door, she turns to me and says, "Jason, you're one of the good guys. I hope you find what you’re looking for."
"You too, Carrie," I reply, and then she's gone.
I don't even bother getting up to lock the door, I just lie back, frustrated, and groan to myself. What the hell am I going to do with this weekend? Is there any hope that I can escape my thoughts of Dawn knowing she's so close? Or do I try again tomorrow and hope she won't be around? Either way, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to get these thoughts about Dawn out of my head.
I spend hours tossing and turning, restless with thoughts of Dawn and her band friend eating me up. Are they out together? Staying together? She said they were just friends, but are they friends with benefits? The sun will be up soon, and I still haven't slept. I'm torn up inside with the thought of him doing all the things I wish I could be doing to her. And yet, I know I can't have her. She is too sweet to not have the world laid out at her feet. Not to mention, if I hurt her, and I'm bound to, Brandon would kill me. And I've really grown used to the guys and the garage. Life isn't as lonely as I thought it would be, and the guys never push me for more than I've been able to give.
At some point, I fall asleep, and it's then that the images of what tonight could've been haunt me. In my dreams, though, the girl in my bed isn't Carrie, it's Dawn. The dream is perfect, just like I imagine she would be. Her creamy skin glistens from our lovemaking, and her eyes sparkle. I gave her that joyfulness, and I hope she can see the joy she gives me in my eyes.
Sadly, I wake and realize it was just a dream, but the big guy isn't having any part of that. He's ready for some action. Last night I couldn't settle for Carrie, but it looks like this morning I'll be settling for a hot shower and my hand. Won't be the first time and, despite that amazing dream, it surely won't be the last because I need to stay away from Dawn.
The water pressure in this shower is nothing to write home about, but it'll do the trick. At least it’s hot, which wasn’t a daily thing in the military. I let my mind wander as I lather the soap in my hands and drag it over my arms and chest, working my way down my stomach to my cock. I start nice and slow, imagining Dawn’s delicate hands touching me instead. It doesn't take long to work myself up to envisioning her gorgeous, pink lips wrapped around me, sucking and licking until I'm at the edge. Fast pants escape my mouth as I come onto my hand. I should feel relief, but I still have an ache for Dawn, and I'm not sure how to escape it.
I stay in the shower ‘til the water starts to cool, not in a hurry to start my day. While I shave, I consider driving home today. Clearly being here isn't going to be the therapy I needed. Just after I finish rinsing my face, my phone chirps to alert me of in incoming text message.
Unknown number: Can we talk today, please?
Me: Depends. Who is this?
I haven’t been getting a lot of texts since I got out of the army. I changed my number when I got home and didn’t give the new number to many people, since I haven’t been in the mood to relive the past.
Unknown number: It’s Dawn, sorry. I got your number from Uncle Brandon.
Me: Can we talk back at home?
I add her number to my contacts while I wait for her response, hoping she’ll get the hint that I’m not here to visit.
Dawn: Please don’t brush me off.
Me: It’s not like that. This isn’t a visiting kind of trip.
Dawn: Well make it one for me. Just give me thirty minutes. Coffee shop? Lunch? Park bench? Just let’s talk. Please.
I don’t know what to say to her. I know seeing her isn't what I need right now, but it's like my mind won't let me say no. The ding of another text message unfogs my brain.
Dawn: Jason, it's just to talk for a few minutes. It'll be fine, I promise.
Me: FINE. Where?
Dawn: =) The coffee shop outside the hotel?
Me: Which hotel?
Dawn: The one we're staying at.
Shit. I do not need to know she's that close to me. How does she know where I am staying? Oh well, I guess this is happening.
Me: Sure. When?
Dawn: Whenever you want.
Knowing I better get this over with, I respond: See you in 10.
Dawn: Perfect.
Ten minutes to prepare for whatever this conversation is going to be. Now if I can only make my brain work and not just imagine what I'd like to be doing to her. This weekend is nothing like I was hoping. After talking to her, I may as well head home and go back to work. There's no reason to stick around and still have to look at her. It doesn't take five minutes for me to gather my things up and leave them on the dresser, ready to grab and go when this is over with.
Of course, when I walk in the little coffee shop, she's already inside sitting with two cups of coffee in front of her. She is as gorgeous as ever, sitting by the window with the sun causing a glow behind her, making her blonde hair shine around her.
She doesn’t see me come in, so I take a moment in the doorway to just look at her. It feels wrong to feel the way I do when I see her . . . like I’m cheating on Amelia. I know it’s not the case, but the ache in my chest for Amelia and my precious baby girl will never go away. It’s not fair to allow anybody else inside and have to come in second to those feelings. But how do I spend time with Dawn and not give in. Damn, it still hurts. Just as I reach up to rub my chest, Dawn looks up, makes eye contact, and smiles. I give a small smile back, and I’m sure it looks as pained as I feel.
I feel like I move in slow motion as I make my way to her, our eyes locked on each other. As bad as I know this is, I can’t tear my eyes from hers. The closer I get, the more that pain lessons and the faster my heart beats.
“Jason.” Her breathy voice hits me in the stomach and sends a volt directly to my groin. “Thanks for coming.”
“No big deal.” My response sounds gruff, and I see her flinch, making me feel bad. I’m so out of my element here. Amelia and I had an easy relationship; even in the beginning it just flowed.
“I know you don’t want to be here. I won’t take long, and I won’t bother you again after this if that is what you want.” She holds her hand out, inviting me to sit while she talks. I sit, and she slides me a coffee. It feels too normal to sit here with her, listening to her. “I know you’ve got secrets, deep ones. The kind you don’t want to share, and I respect that. I know you’re hiding from life, from whatever happened while you were in the service. I know because I recognize things that Uncle Brandon used to do, in you. I also know that there is something here. I feel it. I know you do too. I know it’s why you run. I don’t want you to run. I want to explore what is happening.”
I try to interrupt her, but she shakes her head and continues, saying, “I know all the excuses. Uncle Brandon and the guys have all had the same ones with me or the women in their lives.”
As I listen to her, I want to believe it could be okay. That she could be okay with my demons and only a part of my heart. How do you tell someone they could never have your whole heart, since most of it is missing?
“It’s nothing about you that keeps me from exploring what is between us. It’s because you are too good for me to ruin. And I will ruin you.”
“You can’t know either of those things. What if I’m not good, or what if I ruin you?”
“That’s just it. There’s nothing to ruin. I can’t p
ull you into my nightmare, Dawn. Your uncle would kill me when I left you crushed. I respect him, and you, too much to allow that to happen. Why would you want to get involved with me when I can tell you with certainty that you’ll be miserable when I’m done?”
“Because I know what I feel. I can see in your eyes every time we’re near each other that you feel it too. I believe that if it wasn’t meant to be, we both wouldn’t feel it.”
“I just can’t.” I drop a twenty on the table to cover our drinks and a tip, then get up and leave. That woman will be the death of me if I let her. It’s not easy to leave her sitting there, and the closer to the door I get, the tighter the grip on my chest becomes. I can hardly breathe by the time I walk out the door. The shitty part is that she’s probably right, the chemistry between us could be amazing in bed. Unfortunately, she deserves better than just a great sex life. She deserves the doting lover, a beautiful home, and the perfect family. I can’t fit into that ever again. And I refuse to take her down trying.
THE KNOCK ON my hotel door catches me off guard. I’ve stripped out of my shirt and am just in my jeans, preparing to shower and then jump on the road. I need away from Dawn, again. Figuring it must be housekeeping, I just open it without looking. Big mistake.
“What are you doing here, Dawn?” I know I sound mean, but I need her to understand what a bad idea it is to push this.
“I wasn’t done with you.”
“Yes you were. Please let it go.”
“I can’t, Jason. I feel like I’ll regret it forever if I don’t push you to give us a chance.” She walks right past me and sits on my bed. As much as I know this isn’t the right thing, it’s taking every last fucking shred of control I have to keep pushing her away. If she stays in this room, I won’t be responsible. Looking at her on my bed is too much temptation, even though she’s just sitting there.
“Dawn, you can’t be in here. I’m not sure I have the control to behave.”
The smirk on her face as she scoots a little farther back on the bed says she doesn’t plan on moving an inch, and she’s daring me to keep from touching her. And if we stay in here, I won’t be able to, especially after that dream about her that led me to imagine her in the shower with me.
“Shit. Fine, we can hang out . . . just not in here. We can go have lunch across the way, but let me check out first.”
“Why are you checking out?” She doesn’t move from the bed.
“I didn’t find what I was looking for here.” I motion to her to follow me, but she just winks. Fuck, she is going to be the death of me. I’ll never be able to get the image of her on my bed out of my brain.
“What were you looking for? Maybe I could help you find it.” She twirls her hair around her finger while she talks, drawing me to her.
“Let’s go. I’ll check out later.” I walk to open the door and wait for her. I have to get her out of her this room.
Thankfully, she follows, albeit slowly. But we are out of the room and headed across the way for some breakfast, and that’s all that matters. And as much as I don’t want to spend a lot of time getting to know her, or letting her get to know me, this is a much better idea than sitting in my room with her.
I can hear her chattering as we walk, but I can’t focus on what she’s saying. I can’t stop imagining all the things I could’ve done to Dawn while she was sprawled out on my bed, ready for the taking. Okay, maybe she wasn’t really, but in my head she was.
“Jason, are you listening?”
“Um . . . I guess not.” No need to worry about hurting her feelings and trying to cover up the fact that I wasn’t. In fact, maybe if she thinks that I’m an asshole, she’ll leave me alone.
“Well, I’ve never had a man actually be honest about not listening. That’s a refreshing change. Guess it’s no biggie, I was just kinda trying to make you less uncomfortable around me.”
She really is too sweet. A good reason to keep her at a distance. If I let her pull me in, I know my demons will destroy her. There’s not even really a way to help her understand it either.
It’s quiet in the diner and the service is fast, but not fast enough for me to get away with no conversation. Thankfully, she keeps it light, just really asking how I like the Happy Endings Resort, what my plans are for staying in the area, and how I like working for her uncle . . . pretty basic stuff. She talks about working at the diner and spending time with her uncle, but neither of us give away anything personal.
The waitress delivers our food and we eat for a while in comfortable silence. I’m not on edge with her now that she’s toned down the aggressiveness. I feel like we could exist in the same space and it won’t kill me to keep myself under control. Maybe this trip worked for me after all. Although I couldn’t go through with just banging some stranger to feel better, learning to be around Dawn was really the point all along. I’m finally becoming content with where my life is, and I don’t want to have to run and find somewhere new to start again. I know that Gunnar will let me stay at his place for at least a few years, and after that maybe I’ll just buy a place in the resort.
“Jason?”
“Sorry, what?” She constantly catches me when I’m busy in my own head.
“The waitress wants to know if you want a refill on your Coke.”
“Oh, sorry. Yes, that would be nice.” The waitress walks away with both of our cups and Dawn says, “You are awfully distracted. Everything okay.”
“Yeah, you just got me thinking about what I plan to do when Gunnar gets out of the service and wants his place back.”
“Oh, I didn’t know you were staying at a friend’s place. When does he get out?”
“Not anytime soon. I think he’s got a little over three years left.”
She laughs at my comment, and the pure joy on her face is magnetic. I feel myself smiling along with her, even though she’s basically laughing at me. I know three years is plenty of time to not have to worry about what’s next, but she doesn’t know that going home isn’t an option, so I need to be prepared.
“I think you’ve got time.” She’s still laughing when she says it.
“I know, but being in the military taught me to always think ahead. I’m not worried, just thinking, that’s all.”
“I get that. Uncle Brandon had all kinds of weird quirks when he got home. I just had to roll with them. It was either that, or function on my own. He really has been a godsend.”
“Tell me about how you came to live with Brandon.”
She nods her head while motioning for me to wait a moment with her finger so she can finish the bite she just put in her mouth.
“I don’t talk about it much, but I want to see that we all have things in our past that aren’t pretty.”
“Dawn, you don’t have to tell me anything. Trust me, I get not wanting to talk about certain things. Sometimes it’s easier to pretend those things don’t exist.”
“Really, do you think it works to pretend it’s not real? Is your life better pretending it didn’t happen, whatever it is?”
I just stare at her because I can’t answer that. My life isn’t better either way. They are gone, I am stuck dealing with the guilt of not being there for them, and nothing will change it ever. They took my heart and soul with them, and I’ll never be the same.
She seems to sense that she struck a chord, so she just fills in the silence. She’s very good at that. “When I was in high school, my mom was killed in a car accident. I never knew my dad, never even knew his name. In fact, when I became an adult, I looked on my birth certificate and my mom hadn’t even put his name there. I had an aunt, my mom’s sister, that took me in right away, but I didn’t know at the time that she was sick. She only lived six months, and I was alone again. It was horrible. I was sixteen, awkward, scared, and left alone again. The only family I knew was gone. What I didn’t know was the man that was always around when I was with my aunt was set up in her will to take me in, knowing she wouldn’t make it until I was eighteen. He
agreed to take me in and raise me like I was his family. I never asked about him and my aunt, but he had to have loved her dearly to be willing to take in a sixteen-year-old girl. He has been amazing since the day I moved in. He’s the dad I never got the chance to have. I owe him everything. Had he not taken me in, I would’ve been put in foster care, and there’s no telling how I would’ve turned out.”
“Wow! Brandon is like a saint. He helps everyone.”
“He is. I don’t know his whole story, but what I do know about it tells me a lot about how his heart became so big. I think he has the biggest heart of anyone I know.”
Having a conversation with her feels normal, easy. I haven’t had this with anyone since Amelia, but I find myself asking her questions that I normally wouldn’t, knowing that it’s expected that you reciprocate details of yourself in conversations like this.
“How long was Brandon in the military? Sometimes when you see a lot of bad shit, it makes you want to make up for it when you get home.”
“I can’t share Brandon’s story, you’ll have to ask him. I don’t think it’s a secret, but it’s not my story to share. I can only share with you the parts of him that involve me. He’s been an amazing caretaker. He put up with a lot of shit from me as a teen too, but he never gave up. He never even yelled. And I gave him plenty of reason to. He has been amazing. I owe him everything.”
“I don’t believe it. What could you have possibly done? You’re too sweet to cause trouble.”
Her laughter in response intrigues me. There must be some good stories. It’s hard to see this sweet, innocent woman in front of me as anything other than that, but I guess we all have our pasts, our secrets.
“I have so much I could tell you, but let’s not do it here. Want to drive to the shore? It’s only about an hour away.”
A Soldier's Dawning (The Happy Endings Resort Series Book 8) Page 5