The Berserker and the Pedant

by Josh Powell

  "What are chimerae? No, no, let me guess; you can't tell me that either?"

  "Yeeaaahhh. No."

  Melody said, "Leon, you aren't very good at not saying things you're not supposed to say, are you?"

  "She is one of us, after all. It's a bit confusing."

  "Why don't you go get the trolls, and I'll talk to Pellonia," Melody said.

  "That sounds good to me." Leon walked out of the tent.

  Melody watched Leon leave, waited a moment, then said "The Phage are creatures from another world. We're at war with them, and they'll be coming to this world soon. Chimerae are creatures we've created to fight the Phage."

  "Arthur, Gurken and Moog are chimerae?"

  "Gurken and Moog are chimerae. Arthur is human."

  "And humans aren't chimerae?"

  "No, humans aren't chimerae."

  Pellonia sat expressionless for a time, then looked at Melody with a look of determination. "It doesn't matter if the Phage are coming, I won't abandon my friends. If they stay, I'm staying too."

  "Oomph," Arthur said. "How can you two be so short and yet weigh so much?" Moog was standing on Arthur's shoulders, and Gurken was standing on Moog's head, stretching up and pulling himself out of the pit.

  Gurken stood up near the edge of the pit, pounded his chest with one hand and said, "Thick bones!" He reached his axe handle into the pit and pulled Moog out. Arthur tossed the goblin and the rest of their equipment up and over the edge of the pit, grabbed the axe hilt and walked up the side of the pit while Gurken and Moog pulled.

  "Okay," said Arthur. "Here's the plan. First, we rescue Pellonia. Second, we locate and retrieve the orb. Third, we get out of here."

  "That's more of a list of goals than it is a plan," Gurken objected.

  "I'm afraid that I must agree," said a voice behind them. They turned and saw Leon, who they had yet to meet, standing with his arms crossed. Three trolls loomed over him, smiling and drooling. One was staring at the goblin, running his tongue over his lips.

  Leon said, "That's not much of a plan. Plans are more specific. They're broken down into actual steps for accomplishing the goals. And besides, you can't have Pellonia. She's coming with us."

  "An' ah'm gonna eat yur goblin. Taasssttttyyyy," said the troll.

  "Hush," said Leon, "You aren't helping."

  Gurken drew his axe. "I don't know who you are, elf, but you will release Pellonia at once." Tiwaz, the dwarfen rune of knowing where one's true strengths lie, glowed a virulent amber, and upside down, on Gurken's axe.

  Leon looked at the axe and then back to Gurken. "You're Durstin's boy, aren't you? I've heard of you. Honestly, I don't know what he was thinking. How are you going to save this world? You can't, you're just a dwarf with anger issu-" Leon ducked just fast enough to dodge the bulk of the blow, but the axe clipped the top of his head, knocking him to the ground. The trolls' eyes grew wide in shock. One pointed while covering its mouth and snickering.

  Leon pulled himself up and saw the trolls laughing; his eyes turned the color of elven steel. Three orbs flew off his back and hovered a foot over his head, covered in ice, fire, and lightning. "Ignis!" shouted Leon, pointing at Gurken. A gout of flame erupted from an orb, sending a searing wall of flames toward Gurken.

  Moog ran, rolling the goblin along in front of him. Arthur stepped back and drew his orb. The trolls lumbered towards him, bumping into each other in their haste. Arthur said "Lux, Lux, LUX!" and bright lights flashed in the trolls' eyes. The trolls howled in pain and rubbed at their eyes.

  Algiz, the dwarfen rune of protection, glowed on Gurken's axe, and a protective dome formed over Gurken. The orb's fire harmlessly licked at the dome.

  Leon swore an oath. "Durstin has outfit you well. Fortunately, I don't need these toys to deal with you." Leon drew his sword, the veins of his skin engorged and darkened into a sharp bluish-steel sheen, and then he was gone, moving so fast as to appear nothing more than a blur. Gurken's axe flew from his grip, his protective dome collapsing. Blood spurted from Gurken's shoulder, and his knee buckled and collapsed from blows too quick to observe.

  Gurken fell to the ground; Leon stopped moving; his sword's tip quivered, humming against Gurken's neck. "Do you yield, dwarf?" Leon asked, smirking.

  The trolls finally adapted to the flashing lights in their eyes through the ingenious method known as squinting. They charged toward Arthur once more.

  "Intentoque lux trabem!" the wizard cried in desperation. A searing finger-sized beam cut through the trolls, their bones and flesh healing as fast as Arthur cut. Arthur said, "Oh, no, not again!" He stabbed at the orb with one finger and tossed it over his shoulder into the pit. He managed to say, "I do so hope this works," before the trolls reached him.

  "It's not your battle, Pellonia," Melody said. "The chimerae will fight off the Phage; they've done it before on other worlds. They'll do it here as well… most likely."

  "Most likely!"

  "Well, they don't always win. The Phage adapts, and so do we. Win some, lose some." Melody shrugged.

  "I can't believe you're so callous, Melody. You didn't used to be."

  "That was a long time ago, Pellonia."

  "It's only been seven years since I saw you."

  "Time passes differently where we're going, Pel. It seemed like a few years to you, but it was a thousand years for me. I've been away for a very long time."

  Pellonia's mouth dropped open. "A thousand years! Dead goblins, that's a long time! If I go, will it be that long for me?"

  "No, this is your first Awakening. A century will pass for you, and just five years on this world. It'll be my third Awakening; ten thousand years will pass for me. Leon's already been through the third Awakening, so he's going to be your mentor."

  Pellonia wrinkled up her face. "Can't you do it, instead?"

  "I'm afraid not, I can't mentor you and go through the third Awakening at the same time."

  "Shouldn't Leon be going through the fourth Awakening?" Pellonia asked hopefully.

  Melody was silent for a time, and Pellonia didn't interrupt. Finally, Melody said, "One hundred thousand years. Only the All Mother has done that. She's quite mad because of it. Even we have limits."

  "So, you can see," Melody continued, "why Arthur and the chimarae can't come. They would wither away and die of old age even during the first Awakening. We don't age, so we can survive."

  A low hum and orange glow started emanating from a small table in the middle of the room. Pellonia had been so distracted, she hadn't noticed it before, but there it sat - a cube composed of polished elven steel. The Orb of Skzd rose, floating up and off the table. It was vibrating, and one of its sides flickered to life with the image of Leon shooting flames at Gurken.

  "Oh, no," said Melody. "Wait right here, I'll be back!" Melody took off running out of the small pavilion.

  Pellonia screamed as she witnessed the trolls ripping Arthur apart and Leon pressing his sword against Gurken's neck.

  Episode Thirteen

  The Berserker and the Orb

  Arthur woke up in a pit, naked. He spent some small amount of time considering what it meant that his corpse was lying next to him, naked and human.

  The last thing, Arthur thought, that I remember was Melody running off with Pellonia. I swore an oath to her parents to protect her, and to the best of my abilities, I have. But then I was killed by goblins. At least Pellonia is safe with her older sister. But why isn't my corpse a centaur, and why aren't we on a cliff?

  Arthur saw a glint of elven steel in the mud, reached out and picked up his orb. There was a loud splut next to him, splashing his face with mud. Arthur wiped the mud from his eyes and saw his decapitated head looking back at him.

  That is decidedly odd, Arthur thought. I should likely be scared or repulsed by this event, but seeing as my corpse is there, and I am here, and I have at least one more corpse lazing about somewhere, it is no tremendous shock that my head should come rolling around. I should, however, prepare
to defend myself, in case whatever is causing me to die over and over again decides to come back.

  Arthur noted that the orb was already set to full power, so he tightened the lens until the beam was set to full intensity and pointed it up. Three trolls looked over the edge, grinning in anticipation. They jumped in the pit.

  "Well, now, little dwarf," Leon said. "It appears Durstin's little creature isn't nearly as effective as Durstin bragged." Leon chuckled. "I'm quite sorry about your friend. It was not my intention for the trolls to eat him." Leon's eyes shone the color of elven steel, and his veins bulged the same color. He held his blade against Gurken's throat, pinning him to the ground. Gurken gripped the blade with both hands, blood running down his arms.

  The blood rage came upon Gurken. His heart thumped louder and louder, drowning out the sounds of the mewling elf. His vision tinged with crimson as he was pulled into a berserker's trance. Gurken fought the pull harder than he'd ever fought it before, knowing that he tended not to make the best decisions while in a rage, and that good decisions needed to be made or he might never see Pellonia or Arthur again.

  Pellonia was in the tent, but she was not about to wait for Melody to return. She walked over to the Orb of Skzd. It was a cube as big as her forearm on all sides and hovered just above a small table in the middle of the large tent. She stood on her toes and stretched out, touching the image of Gurken moving on its face. Her finger hit a smooth surface. It was like a painting that changed. She climbed onto the table and took the cube in both hands.

  The cube stayed in place. She turned it and it spun like a top. There were raised circular bits on the top with elvish writing next to them. She didn't understand most of the writing; it was in elvish, but the words were unfamiliar. "Gee-oh-low-cate," Pellonia sounded out the word. She scratched her head. "I do so wish Arthur were here; he could figure this out. If only I knew where to find him."

  Gurken roared. "I don't know who you are, elf, but I am Gurken Stonebiter, avatar of Durstin Firebeard, and I will NOT BE TRIFLED WITH." His muscles bulged, veins engorged with blood and he slowly, ever so slowly, moved the blade from his throat.

  Leon's eyes opened wide, then squinted. He tried to push the blade down into Gurken's throat, but the blade still moved away. Beads of liquid metal sweat formed on his forehead, and the blade began to move back towards Gurken's throat. Gurken rolled to the side and the blade bit into the ground an inch from his neck, shattering from the force of Leon's blow.

  Gurken raised a hand and Raidho, the Dwarfen rune of seeing the right move for yourself and acting upon it, pulsed with a violet light on the blade of Gurken's axe. The axe flew from the ground and landed in Gurken's hands as he leapt into the air, Leon directly below him. Leon turned and saw the axe coming down on his head and then he was gone, moving so fast he wasn't even a blur.

  Leon rained blow upon blow on Gurken, faster than Gurken could see or comprehend. Gurken was struck sixteen times before he felt the first blow, and it was as if a sack of bricks crushed his face. Gurken lay on the ground, groaning, a bloody pulp. Leon stood over Gurken, a steel-colored mist coming from his eyes, face twisted in rage.

  "I rather liked that blade, dwarf." He spat the word. Gurken rolled onto his back and lifted one hand towards Leon.

  "I'm going to enjoy this," Leon said, pulling back one hand into a fist and grabbing Gurken's jerkin with the other.

  "Free-queen-see," read Pellonia. "Hmm… Attitude. I don't see how that can help. Power! We could certainly use some more of that!" Pellonia rubbed at the word and said, "Potestas!" Nothing happened. She rubbed the raised circular protrusion next to it; it depressed and made a clicking sound. Suddenly, the cube went dark and fell to the table.

  "What kind of stupid 'power' is that?" Pellonia said.

  Leon dropped Gurken and stumbled a step back. His eyes turned a shade of blue and his veins no longer bulged. "Gaaaah," he yelled, clutching the sides of his head. Gurken grinned and pulled himself to his feet. He walked over to his axe and, bending slightly, picked it up off the ground. "What's the matter, Leon? Did your magic abandon you?"

  The three orbs flew off Leon's shoulders, orienting towards Gurken, but before they could act, Gurken planted his axe into Leon's head with a satisfying thunk. Dagaz, the dwarfen rune of completion and ending, glowed green on the axe's head. The orbs fell to the ground. Leon stumbled back, an empty expression on his face, the axe protruding from his head. Blood ran down his face, a mixture of crimson and elven steel. He fell to the ground and his eyes went white.

  The three trolls landed in the bottom of the pit, Arthur backed into a corner and held up the orb between them.

  "Oho! A secon' helpin'. Ah didn't expect such a treat," said Blod.

  "Oh, aye, we shood eat wizurds mo' often, and eat 'em slow," agreed Boan.

  "Ahm gonna rip off 'is ahm quick and sup on 'is blud," proclaimed Maro.

  "You're going to 'rip off his arm quickly'," said Arthur. "It's an adverb, not an adjective."

  "Et's a flat adverb," said Maro, raising a finger. "Take et easy!"

  Arthur squinted at Maro and pursed his lips. "Some may subscribe to the antiquated use of 'flat adverbs,' but I most certainly do NOT! Intentoque lux trabem!"

  The light from the pit poured into the orb, leaving them momentarily shrouded in darkness. A waterfall of light streamed into the pit from above. The orb began to glow a bright yellow and the trolls cackled with laughter.

  "Nawt dis agen," Blod said, rolling his eyes as a beam sprouted from the orb, cutting into his arm. He shrieked as the arm fell off. Elven steel-colored blood leaked from the wound, before the stump healed over. "Oh, no," Blod said. "Dat's a problem." Arthur twirled the beam around Blod's body, which fell into pieces.

  Boan and Maro tried to scramble up the side of the pit, but were quickly fricasseed - that is, they were sliced into small pieces and cooked in their own juices. The beam shut off and light returned to the small pit.

  "Well, I believe that is the end of those horrid creatures. Flat adverbs, indeed."

  Melody rounded the corner, yelling, "Leon! Don't hurt them, they'r- Oh!" Gurken pulled his axe out of Leon's head, spattering bits of steel gray ichor over the ground. He smiled at Melody.

  "Milady," Gurken said, touching the axe to his head.

  "You… you… you killed Leon? But… how?"

  "With an axe," Gurken said matter-of-factly, holding his axe in the air.

  "But… he's… he's so fast."

  "Nothing a well-timed axe can't handle."

  Melody blinked at Gurken, then walked over to Leon. She crouched over Leon and picked up one of his orbs from the ground. She fiddled with the orb a bit, then pointed it at Leon. A red line appeared at the tip of his head, then moved down his body. A jarring "ehhh-ehhhh" emanated from the orb. Melody sighed.

  She put a hand to her head. "He's not going to remember any of this. He wasn't scanned since before he came down here." After a moment, she pushed at the orb again and passed the red line over herself.

  "Hullo up there!" Arthur's voice rose out of the pit. "Could I trouble anyone for a spot of help?"

  Gurken walked to the edge of the cliff and looked down. Arthur was dangling from the orb, which was hovering a few feet below the top of the pit. His feet were spinning, trying to gain purchase on the walls. Gurken reached his axe down, handle first. Arthur grabbed it with one hand and Gurken pulled Arthur and the orb out of the pit.

  Arthur saw Melody and blushed fiercely. He tried to cover himself, but the closest he could come was to hold the orb in front of him. He sidestepped over to a bloody patch on the ground where some rags remained of his clothes. They were torn to shreds.

  "Take Leon's clothes," Melody suggested. "He won't be needing them." She did not smile.

  Relieved, Arthur trotted over to Leon and changed into his clothes. Once he was changed, he turned to Melody and asked, "Where's Pellonia?"

  Pellonia came around the bend with a sack draped over her shoulder. She saw A
rthur, dropped the sack, and ran over to give him a big hug. She waved Gurken over, and the dwarf ambled over and the three of them squeezed each other tightly. Moog burst out of the bushes and ran over, hugging Melody's leg.

  "I got it," Pellonia said. "I got the Orb of Skzd."

  "Well done, Pellonia," said Arthur.

  "Well done," Gurken agreed.

  "Mooooog," said Moog.

  Episode Fourteen

  The Berserker and the Cave

  "I'm afraid I can't let you keep the Orb of Skzd," Melody said. "I need it."

  Gurken, Arthur, Pellonia and Moog broke from their group hug. Pellonia pressed her eyebrows together, looking irritated and thoughtful all at once. Arthur looked at Melody, his fingers running over his orb, clicking a piece back and forth. Moog shrugged. Gurken, well…

  "You can't have it," said Gurken.

  "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about it sooner, but… look, this probably sounds ridiculous to you, but the fate of the world depends on my taking that cube."

  Gurken furled his eyebrows and shifted his jaw from side to side. Melody was ten feet away; the cube lay in the sack that Pellonia had dropped between them. Fehu, the dwarfen rune of possessions won or earned, seared into the head of Gurken's axe, burning like coals in a dying fire.

  "You cannot have it," Gurken said, matter-of-factly.

  Melody hesitated, then took a step towards the sack. Gurken growled, raising the axe and leaning towards her. Pellonia started to move, but Melody stopped and retreated a step.

  "Enough! Enough, elf-slayer. The cube is yours." She crossed her arms while Gurken, Arthur, Pellonia and Moog walked over to the sack. Pellonia opened the sack, revealing a polished cube of gleaming elven steel about a foot on each side.