The Berserker and the Pedant

by Josh Powell

  "The Phage have arrived," Melody said.

  Episode Sixteen

  The Berserker and the Elves

  "Are you sure you want to do this? It's irreversible. Once we do it, there's no going back," Arthur said.

  "I'm sure," Pellonia said, nodding.

  Arthur faced Pellonia. They stood in the forest, surrounded by tall pine trees. Moog stood next to Arthur, watching with a curious look on his face. Arthur took the orb of light and fiddled with it, then pointed it at Pellonia. A red horizontal beam shot out and ran up and down her.

  "Very well," Arthur said. He pointed at Pellonia and said, "You've decided to stay with us, so you…" Arthur looked two feet to Pellonia's right and stabbed a finger at the orb, then pointed at the empty spot. Three beams of light shot out of the orb, connecting with the other orbs revolving around his head. Arthur's eyes opened wide and four beams of light descended from the heavens, each with a speck in the middle that grew from a fetus to adulthood.

  "… you will go on the Awakening," Arthur finished feebly, dropping his hand. "Oh, no."

  Five Pellonias put their hands on their hips and cocked their head to one side. "Hey! What did you just do?" they said in unison. "You were only supposed to make one more of me. Hey, stop saying what I'm saying. No, you stop it. Ugh." Pellonia glared at herself… herselves… theirselves?

  "I… uh, clearly the orbs interacted in a way I didn't anticipate… yes." Arthur bit his lip while tapping on the orb of light with a finger.

  Moog smiled. "Moog can mend." Moog picked up a sizable rock.

  "No, no, Moog, that's not necessary. I don't believe your services will be required," Arthur said. Moog shrugged, dropping the rock.

  Melody watched as the enormous Phage ship trembled. The sound of hard, heavy blows echoed through the valley. A crack formed in the top of the ship, accompanied by the sound of thunder. An enormous spike on the end of a huge tentacle punched through the surface of the ship. It was covered in circular folds of flesh that sucked at the air. The tentacle shot up hundreds of feet, whipping around violently.

  "Keep it together," Melody said aloud. She'd been told to expect the unexpected, but this was beyond anything for which she was prepared. This thing shouldn't - couldn't - exist. It shouldn't be possible, yet there it was, plain to see. The mind is, under most circumstances, capable of making sense of the world, to compare what it now experiences to things it's experienced in the past. But how could the mind compare this? How could it make sense of the horror before her? It wasn't the tendril of an octopus that writhed and twisted in the valley before her, but that is all her mind could comprehend, so that is what she saw.

  The tentacle exploded into countless small pieces that each moved on their own. Tiny creatures fell to the ground. They were small, visible only because there were so many of them. Melody held both hands up to the rectangular image in front of her and pulled her hands quickly apart. The image of the ship got bigger until she could no longer see all of it, then it centered on the hole and continued to get closer until the creatures were clearly visible.

  Each creature was a mass of tentacles, balled up and rolling, spreading out in all directions.

  "I'm not going on the Awakening. I'm staying with Arthur," said Pellonia.

  "You can't make me go. You said she would go," said Pellonia.

  "I've already said that I'm staying. I'm the original. That was decided before any of you were even here," said Pellonia.

  "You can't trick me. I said that I - that you - were going!" said Pellonia.

  "Well, you all figure out who is going. I'm staying," said Pellonia.

  The Pellonias had all dug into her… their… into Pellonia's pack, and fought over which particular outfit each was going to wear. Pellonia was quite happy, because she happened to be wearing her favorite outfit already. Besides, she had the only pair of shoes. Pellonia was happy because she'd been closest to the pack and obtained a clean set of travel gear and some slippers. Pellonia was upset because she'd only managed to obtain the backup outfit, to be worn in case the others became soiled. Pellonia was very upset because she'd been left with only soiled, wrinkled clothing from which to choose. Pellonia was furious, all she had was a sleep sack to hold around her.

  Arthur threw up his hands. "I'm afraid that I'm at a loss. The five of you are going to have to decide what to do."

  The Pellonias glared at each other. Simultaneously, they pointed at the Pellonia on their left and said, "You. You're going to the Awakening. Ugh." They all crossed their arms in disgust.

  There was a terrible screeching from deep in the forest, then another, closer. The Pellonias looked at each other nervously, remembering their world was about to be invaded. There was movement in the trees, shadows darting too quick to make out. The Pellonias ran behind Arthur, huddling against each other and looking into the forest. Arthur plucked one of the small orbs from the air and handed it to Moog. The other three orbs stopped spinning around his head and oriented towards the things coming toward them.

  The forest cast a great many shadows for the creatures to hide within, so they approached while seen only at the edges of perception, scurrying through the forest as fast as a man could run. One leapt from the trees, tentacles spread and erect as it leapt for Arthur's head. A beam of frost shot from one of the orbs, freezing the creature in a solid chunk of ice. It fell to the ground and shattered.

  Two more leapt at them, one freezing and shattering as before, another engulfed in a torrent of flame from a second orb. It burned, withered and died.

  Moog shot another with a bolt of lightning from the orb he'd been handed. Then the forest was alight with bolts, rays, torrents and beams. The air was thick with color. Orange silhouettes danced along the mountainside. Blue flashes flickered through the forest with epileptic fits. The sky grew dark, sunlight flowing into the orb of light. The repulsive scent of fried flesh filled the air. They kept coming, their numbers multiplying. They started to dodge the incoming blasts, some even resisted multiple shots, absorbing the ice but burning by fire, ignoring the flames but pierced by light.

  The Pellonias scrambled up the side of the mountain. Arthur turned and watched them run. They were too slow; they would never make it up the mountain before being overrun. Flashes of color thrummed behind him, hot pink tentacles writhed and squirmed and died. Arthur snatched the orb of ice from the air, pointing it at a spot between him and the Pellonias and said, "Obice glaciem." A blue-tinged beam shot from the orb, striking the ground and spreading horizontally in either direction. Huge spears of ice splintered out of the ground, rising thirty feet into the air and closing off the path between them.

  A pink tentacle wrapped around Arthur's head, greedily sucking at his flesh. Five more tentacles wrapped around his face and head, leaving only one eye uncovered. The eye wrinkled and stretched wide in horror, as if the eye itself were screaming. Arthur tried to shout, but a tentacle slid into his open mouth. The creature began to pulse and its flesh writhed as Arthur clawed and bit at it, desperately trying to pull it off.

  "Kill them," Arthur heard. He strained his uncovered eye, looking around for the source of the voice. It was a malevolent sound. An evil sound. Terror dripped off the words.

  "Kill 'em all," the voice said again.

  Arthur realized he had never before known fear. He realized it wasn't him speaking and yet, somehow, it was his voice.

  Then, Arthur stopped. He stood still. The tentacles slid off his face with slurp-pop, slurp-pop sucking sounds and the creature half-slid, half-fell to the ground. Arthur's blue eyes gazed off into the distance, then turned green. Arthur slowly grinned, then he laughed, the evil, maniacal sounding laugh of a madman. His tongue had been replaced by a tentacle, writhing in his open mouth. He turned, plucking the orb of light out of the air, pointing it toward Moog and saying, his voice gravelly, hoarse and low, "Intentoque lux trabem!"

  The world dimmed. The orbs of fire and ice fell to the ground, dark. Light from all around bent and t
wisted into the orb of light, which began to glow with white-hot intensity. Moog turned towards Arthur. Moog had the mournful, shamed look of a puppy whose master had been unfailingly kind but had suddenly, and without reason, struck him. In a quiet, squeaky voice, he said, "Moog?"

  A beam the thickness of a spider's thread and bright as a reflection of the noonday sun shot from the orb for a fraction of a fraction of a moment. A tiny hole, insignificant in size but grand in import, seared into Moog's head. A wisp of smoke curled into the air. Moog fell to the ground, dead.

  The tentacled creatures swarmed around Arthur, staying a foot from him. The ground was a writhing pink blanket. Arthur picked the fallen orbs of fire and ice off the ground, fiddled with them, and sent them spinning around his head again. He walked over to Moog, the blanket undulating out of his way as he walked. He picked up the orb of lightning next to Moog's corpse and set it spinning over his head next to the others. Then Arthur fiddled with the orb of light.

  On the surface of the orb was the image of Moog with the words "Delete backup? Yes. No."

  "Yes," Arthur said, "The enemies of the Phage shall not rise again." The picture of Moog faded and vanished. A picture of Gurken faded into view. "Yes," said Arthur.

  Melody. "Yes."

  Arthur. "Yes."

  Pellonia. "Yes."

  Pellonia's face faded. Arthur set the orb to spinning around his head and walked away. As if following some unspoken command, the hot, moist blanket of pink creatures slithered under him, lifting him off the ground and carrying him, still standing, toward the alien ship.

  "Where are those goblins?" Durstin bellowed. "Dwarves are dying in droves!"

  "I-I don't know," Melody said.

  "That's it, we're done. I'm calling a full retreat and pulling out. Even if they show up now, it's too late. If you're smart, you'll get to the ship now too," said Durstin. His image faded.

  "Pellonia," Melody whispered, looking the way Pellonia had run. "Come on, where are you?"

  A tentacle reached over the cliff and stuck to the ground. The tentacle was covered in a thick, viscous liquid. The creature pulled itself up over the cliff, just feet from Melody. Melody stabbed at the Orb and a glimmering dome formed over her. The creature leapt at her and dissolved when it hit the barrier. Two more pulled themselves up and leapt. The first struck and sizzled like eggs in hot oil, sliding down the barrier. The second stuck and walked on top of the dome, looking for an entrance. Small wisps of smoke rose from its feet. More creatures came over the cliff and swarmed towards her.

  "Melody!" Pellonia shouted, running over the hill.

  Melody stuck her hand in the air, palm towards Pellonia. "Wait!" she shouted. Pellonia didn't hear her and ran straight for the barrier. Melody's eyes grew wide with panic. She stabbed quickly at the orb and two beams of light descended from the heavens over her and Pellonia. The barrier dropped and Melody and Pellonia rose into the air.

  The creatures leapt towards Melody, tentacles outstretched, straining to latch onto an arm, a leg, anything. They missed, falling to the ground. More creatures piled on top of one another, followed by swarms of others, forming an enormous pyramid of writhing, sticky pink flesh. The topmost creature sprung skyward, straining to reach Melody. Melody curled into a fetal position as she flung skyward, trying to pull herself out of its reach, but the creature latched one tentacle onto her shoe and pulled itself up. Melody and the creature flew out of sight.

  Pellonia looked down and saw herselves fleeing the tentacled creatures, then she, too, was pulled away and could see no more.

  Episode Seventeen

  The Berserker and the Pedant

  Pellonia came up the side of the cliff in time to watch as Melody and Pellonia rose into the heavens on a beam of light.

  Farewell Pellonia, thought Pellonia.

  The other three Pellonias walked up beside her, out of breath from the hike, and looked up, watching her rise away. They heard an ominous slurp-pop, slurp-pop and looked to see a pink tentacled thing falling off the head of their stuffed goblin. The goblin's eyes turned green and it bared it's teeth in an evil grin and waddled towards them, cackling as it came.

  The goblin lost it's footing. It tripped and the Pellonias watched as it rolled down the hill, picking up speed as it went, bumping over rocks and flying off the cliff.

  Another dozen tiny pink tentacled things swarmed toward them. Pellonia screamed and ran. The other Pellonias watched her run and decided that Pellonia was most decidedly correct, and ran away as well. They split up, running in different directions.

  Pellonia ran down the hill and into a swarm of tentacles slurp-popping their way up. Surrounded, she curled into a ball and covered her head with her hands. The tentacled forms swarmed over her, clutching and pulling at her limbs until they managed to force them apart. One latched onto her head.

  Pellonia ran to the cliff face and climbed down. She found a small outcropping of rocks on which to rest. A tentacled creature fell on her head from above.

  Pellonia ran along the cliff, hoping to run through the creatures, which immediately grabbed her, pulled her down and latched on to her head.

  Pellonia ran to the Orb of Skzd, pursued by six writhing tentacles lunging ever closer. She reached the Orb, frantically pushing at the protrusions with words next to them. The tentacled creatures slowed and crawled toward her, as if to prolong and savor the moment. Five of the creatures formed a ring around her and the sixth moved in.

  As Pellonia stabbed at the Orb of Skzd, it projected a disc of light between her and the creatures. An axe swung through the portal and cleaved one of the tentacled creatures in two. Sowilo, the dwarfen rune of success, goals achieved and honor, blazed upon the axe's head. The creature burst into flames and screamed as it writhed and shriveled.

  "Greetings, Pellonia," Gurken said, stepping through the disc and heaving the axe over one shoulder. "My apologies for being late. Goblins are exceedingly poor marchers. It was slow work to get them there."

  Goblins swarmed through the portal and attacked. They stabbed at the tentacles with spears, missing as the creatures leapt upon their heads, latching onto the goblins' faces. Five goblins' eyes turned green as the tentacled creatures fell off, slurp-pop, slurp-pop. The goblins cackled, exposing their pointed teeth and a tentacle twisting where their tongue once lay.

  One of the green-eyed goblins slipped and hit it's head on a rock. It died. The goblins, both those controlled by the creatures and those free from their control, watched him fall. They turned on each other and wrestled. Goblins died so quickly, it was difficult to keep track of which was controlled and which was not. In a moment's time, ten goblins and five tentacled corpses lay on the hillside.

  Gurken surveyed the battle in valley from the side of the cliff, next to the Orb of Skzd.

  "Pellonia, I think it time you took the orb and returned to the temple."

  "I'd like to stay with you."

  "We must complete our quest. I will follow after the battle."

  Pellonia nodded. She wrapped Gurken in an enormous hug and said farewell. She put a hand over the orb and pressed a few of the protrusions. A portal opened with some rather startled priests standing on the other end. Pellonia pushed the Orb through to the temple and the portal closed behind her.

  Gurken turned back to the valley. The fleshy pink creatures swarmed as far as he could see, their tentacles wrapping around anything that moved. Gurken turned and looked at the two dozen goblin leaders, clad in fur and feathers, assembled before him, standing in a neat row and waiting for his command. Behind them, tens, if not hundreds of thousands, of goblins formed a chaotic bumpy red blanket over the mountain.

  One of the goblins' leaders, a Gr-ma named La, stepped forward. "Now?" she asked.

  "Now," Gurken answered.

  La turned and let loose a battle cry, a howling cackle that echoed down the mountain. The other leaders turned and shouted hoots and caws and growls. Everything grew silent, the wind howled, leaves rustled, a cricket
buzzed, then the mountain erupted in a roar and the ground trembled as goblins screamed and charged down the mountain.

  Gurken was covered in pink slime. His axe was heavy from hacking and hewing tentacles, his legs cramped and sore from running from one foe to the next. He was exhausted. It seemed he'd been fighting for years, though it was, perhaps, several hours.

  Another of the foul tentacled beasts leapt at his head. He was too tired to move away. Laguz, the dwarfen rune of imagination and psychic matters, blazed on the head of his axe. The creature landed on a barrier of invisible force inches from his head. Gurken pulled the creature off with one hand, set it on the ground, and crushed it under heel.

  Gimnur Hammerfist - the dwarven babysitter sent by the temple of Durstin to watch over the trio only to be killed by giant ants - walked up to Gurken.

  "The dwarves have had it," he said. "We've had a better time of it since the goblins joined, but there are too many of these beasts and too few of us left. If only…" Gimnur trailed off.

  Gurken nodded. "If only I'd been here sooner."

  Twenty more tentacled things charged and were intercepted by goblins. The goblins stabbed with spears, killing several before the rest latched onto their heads. The goblins under the control of the creatures attacked the goblins not under their control. Ten goblins under control of the creatures came away from the skirmish. Two dwarves ran over and hacked at them. The goblins died quickly, but not before one of the dwarves was killed by an errant goblin spear.

  "Twenty tentacles become eighteen controlled goblins," Gimnur said. "Eighteen controlled goblins become ten controlled goblins after fighting other goblins. Ten controlled goblins manage to kill one dwarf. You've got to hand it to those elves, that's quite the efficient plan. Before you arrived, twenty of those foul creatures were killing thirty good dwarves."