The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition (Snark Series)

by Lawrence Dorfman

  Also by Lawrence Dorfman

  The Snark Handbook

  The Cigar Lover’s Compendium

  The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition

  Comebacks, Taunts, and Effronteries

  Lawrence Dorfman

  Copyright © 2010 by Lawrence Dorfman

  All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews or articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Skyhorse Publishing, 555 Eighth Avenue, Suite 903, New York, NY 10018.

  Skyhorse Publishing books may be purchased in bulk at special discounts for sales promotion, corporate gifts, fund-raising, or educational purposes. Special editions can also be created to specifications. For details, contact the Special Sales Department, Skyhorse Publishing, 555 Eighth Avenue, Suite 903, New York, NY 10018 or info@skyhorsepublishing.com.

  www.skyhorsepublishing.com

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Dorfman, Lawrence.

  The snark handbook : insult edition : comebacks, taunts, and effronteries / Lawrence Dorfman. p. cm.

  Includes bibliographical references and index.

  9781616080594

  1. Invective--Humor. I. Title.

  PN6231.I65D674 2009

  808.87--dc22

  2010025004

  Printed in China

  This book is both good and original.

  But the part that is good is not original and the

  part that is original is not good.

  —SAMUEL JOHNSON

  When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When

  you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.

  —HUNTER S. THOMPSON

  Table of Contents

  Also by Lawrence Dorfman

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Praise

  Introduction

  AUTHOR’S NOTE

  Literature

  SMARTS - (OR LACK THEREOF)

  Music, Drama, and Visual Art

  Movies, Jelevision, and Actors

  BEAUTY - (OR LACK THEREOF)

  Politics and Current Events

  Sports

  CHARISMA - (OR LACK THEREOF)

  Work

  Love and Hate

  BODY - (OR LACK THEREOF)

  Life and Death

  In Conclusion

  Acknowledgments

  Index

  He’s just another flash in the bedpan. ◆ She couldn’t exude warmth if she was on fire. ◆ You’ll have to excuse him. He’s going through a nonentity crisis. ◆ The terrifying power of the human sex drive is horrifically demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father you. ◆ A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind. ◆ Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner. ◆ It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. ◆ You fill a much-needed gap. ◆ You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to muffler. ◆ If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week. ◆ I’d like to give you a going-away present . . . but you have to do your part. ◆ I can tell you are lying. Your lips are moving. ◆ I don’t mind that you are talking so long if you don’t mind that I’m not listening◆Ihear what you’re saying, but I just don’t care. ◆ If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s practically invincible. ◆ Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever. ◆ He’s such a heavy drinker that of being born again, why don’t you just grow up? ◆ Never enter a battle of wits unarmed. ◆ Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live. ◆ The cream rises to the top. So does the scum. ◆ The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you. ◆ He has the most remarkable and seductive genius—and I should say about the smallest in the world. ◆ If I were him I’d be less concerned with whom I’d descended from and more concerned with where I’d descended to. ◆ If her nose was turned up any more, she’d blow off her hat every time she sneezed. ◆ If she holds her nose any higher she’ll develop a double chin at the back of her neck. ◆ The thing about him that exhausts me most is his patter of little feats. ◆ You rargumen ti sinteresting up to a point—the point of departure. ◆ She’ll talk her head off about confidences that she said left her speechless. ◆ She has a highly developed sense of rumor. ◆ Let’s play horse—I’ll be the head and you be yourself. ◆ The only thing that deprives her of the final word is an echo. ◆ Why don’t we both go somewhere where we can both be alone? ◆ He’s one of God’s Muppets. ◆ I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time? ◆ I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat. ◆ The only place you’re ever invited is outside. ◆ He got a brain transplant, and the brain rejected him. ◆ I know you are nobody’s fool, but maybe someone will adopt you. ◆ I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo. ◆ I never forgot the first time we met—I keep trying, though. ◆ Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs. ◆ You have a lot of well-wishers . . . they all want to throw you down one. ◆ You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. ◆ Somebody hollers “hoedown” and your girlfriend hits the floor. ◆ A tornado hit your home and caused $10,000 worth of improvement. ◆ You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night. ◆ Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent. ◆ Before you came along I was hungry. Now I’m completely fed up. ◆ Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice. ◆ Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home? ◆ Do you want people to accept you as you are ... or do you want them to like you? ◆ He has a mind like a steel trap—always closed. ◆ He is living proof that man can live without a brain. ◆ People like you are the reason I’m on medication. ◆ Don’t piss me off today, I’m running out of places to hide bodies. ◆ I have always wondered why people bang their heads against brick walls ... then I met you. ◆ Don’t let your mind wander. It’s way too small to be outside by itself. ◆ I had a nightmare. I dreamt I was you. ◆ Everyone is entitled to be stupid sometime, but you abuse the privilege. ◆ I am not antisocial. ... I just don’t like you ◆ Ther ear esom eridiculousl ystupi dpeopl ei nthis world. You just helped me realize it. ◆ Until you called me I couldn’t remember the last time I wanted somebody’s fingers to break so badly. ◆ Cancel my subscriptions.... I’m tired of your issues. ◆ Earth is full. Go home. ◆ Here’s a hint ... if I didn’t answer you the first twenty-five times, what makes you think the next twenty-five will work? ◆ Talking to you is as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns. ◆ How about a few less questions and a little more shut the hell up? ◆ Let’s see, I’ve walked the dog, cleaned my room, gone shopping, and gossiped with my friends ... nope, this list doesn’t say that I’m required to talk to you. ◆ The village just called. They said they were missing their idiot. I couldn’t really understand them, but I’m pretty sure they were saying your name. ◆ Of course I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in? ◆ I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass. ◆ Mirrors don’t talk ... but, lucky for you, they don’t laugh, either. ◆ He’s got diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the ideas. ◆ Don’t get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance? ◆ Save your breath.... You’ll need it to blow up your date. ◆ People clap when they see you they clap their hands over their eyes. ◆ Learn from your parents’ mistakes—use some birth control. ◆ They say opposites attract ... so I hope you meet somebody who is attractive ... ho
nest ... intelligent ... cultured ... ◆ Why don’t you slip into something more comfortable ... like a coma? ◆ Go outside and play “Hide and go f**k yourself.” ◆ My mother always said never talk to strangers, and there’s no one stranger than you. ◆ No, you don’t know me, you just wish you did. ◆ You have your whole life to be an asshole ... how about you take today off? ◆ A demitasse would fit his head like a sombrero. ◆ A guy with your IQ should have a low voice, too. ◆ A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it. ◆ A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen mind. ◆ Alone: In bad company. ◆ And there he was: reigning supreme at number two. ◆ Any friend of yours ... is a friend of yours. ◆ As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ◆ Don’t mind him. He has a soft heart ... and a head to match. ◆ Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege. ◆ It’s an excellent time to become a missing person. ◆ Fat? You’re not fat, you’re just ... fat. ◆ Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take ten seconds. ◆ Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from your ass. ◆ He has the IQ of lint. ◆ Have you considered suing your brains for nonsupport? ◆ He can open his mail with that nose! ◆ He comes from a long line of real estate people ... they’re a vacant lot. ◆ He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and Curly. ◆ He has a mechanical mind. He just forgot to wind it up this morning. ◆ He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep inside, he is shallow. ◆ He has more faces than Mount Rushmore. ◆ He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for dominance. ◆ He is so short his hair smells like feet ◆ He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot. ◆ He named the street he owned after his wife. What a grand statement of his love for her. She was cold, hard, cracked, and only got plowed around the holidays. ◆ He smells the coffee, but can’t find the pot. ◆ He would be out of his depth in a parking-lot puddle. ◆ He’d steal the straw from his mother’s kennel. ◆ He’s got that faraway look. The farther away he gets, the better he looks. ◆ He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost. ◆ He’s so dense that light bends around him. ◆ He’s the first in his family born without a tail. ◆ He’s the only man who, if told to screw himself, could do it. ◆ He’s the reason brothers and sisters shouldn’t marry. ◆ His brain waves fall a little short of the beach. ◆ His men would follow him anywhere but only out of morbid curiosity. ◆ His origins are so low, you’d have to limbo under his family tree. ◆ His personality’s split so many ways he goes alone for group therapy. ◆ I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I could only respect you if you were dead. ◆ I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it. ◆ I can’t talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in ten years? ◆ Was your brother an only child? ◆ He went to have his head examined, but the doctors found nothing there. ◆ I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you. ◆ I like your approach, now let’s see your departure. ◆ I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you. ◆ I will defend to your death my right to my opinion. ◆ I wonder how many angels could dance on his head? ◆ I worship the ground that awaits you. ◆ I’d hate to see you go, but I’d love to watch you leave! ◆ I’d like to have the spitting concession on his grave. ◆ I’d rather pass a kidney stone than another night with you. ◆ If I promise to miss you, will you go away? ◆ If I want any shit outta you, I’ll squeeze your head. ◆ If idiots could fly, this would be an airport. ◆ If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. ◆ I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance. ◆ I’m going to memorize your name and throw my head away. ◆ I’m not as dumb as you look. ◆ In the land of the witless, the half-wit is king. ◆ It is mind over matter. I don’t mind, because you don’t matter. ◆ It’s hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen. ◆ I’ve come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are. ◆ I’ve only got one nerve left, and you’re getting on it. ◆ Make somebody happy. Mind your own business. ◆ Moonlight becomes you—total darkness even more! ◆ People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing all right. ◆ Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. ◆ She had a mouth dirtier than the toilet seat at Grand Central. ◆ She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face. ◆ She was another one of his near Mrs. ◆ She’s a lot like train tracks—she’s been laid across the country. ◆ She’s got a body that won’t quit and a brain that won’t start. ◆ She’s like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border. ◆ Slit your wrists—it will lower your blood pressure. ◆ Some day you will find yourself—and wish you hadn’t. ◆ Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was. ◆ Talk is cheap, but so are you. ◆ The only thing he brought to this job was his car. ◆ The wheel is still spinning, but the hamster died. ◆ There are only two things I dislike about her—her face. ◆ There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious, and you are all of them. ◆ There is no vaccine against stupidity. ◆ Thinking isn’t your strong suit, is it? ◆ This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man. ◆ We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there? ◆ What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity. ◆ Whatever is eating you—must be suffering horribly. ◆ Would you like some cheese and crackers to go with that whine? ◆ You are no longer beneath my contempt. ◆ You are so dumb you sit on the TV and watch the sofa. ◆ You could throw her in the river and skim ugly for two days. ◆ You have a speech impediment ... your foot. ◆ You have a striking face. Tell me, how many times were you struck there? ◆ You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. ◆ You remind me of the ocean—you make me sick. ◆ You say that you are always bright and early. Well, okay, we know you are early. ◆ You should be the poster child for birth control. ◆ You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one. ◆ You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you look terrible in the light. ◆ You started at the bottom—and it’s been downhill ever since. ◆ You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant. ◆ You’re a habit I’d like to kick, with both feet. ◆ You’re like one of those “idiots savants,” except without the “savant” part. ◆ You’re so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone company. ◆ You’re so fat you got baptized at SeaWorld. ◆ You’ve got more chins than a Chinese phone book! ◆ You’re so slow it takes you an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes. ◆ You’re so small, you pose for trophies. ◆ She’s so stupid she trips over the cord of a cellular phone. ◆ You’ve got your head so far up your ass you can chew your food twice. ◆ You’ve never been outspoken; no one has ever been able to. ◆ You’re the best at all you do—and all you do is make people hate you. ◆ I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? ◆ Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. ◆ Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. ◆ I’m trying to imagine you with a personality. ◆ If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats. ◆ Do I look like a people person? ◆ This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting. ◆ Ahard-on doesn’t count as personal growth. ◆ Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. ◆ Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? ◆ The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that the plant has pricks on the outside. ◆ May the fleas of a thousand camels infest one of your erogenous zones. ◆ He wasn’t breast-fed. His mother just wanted to be good friends. ◆ He has an intellect rivaled only by garden tools. ◆ No; you idiot, Meow Mix is not a CD for cats. ◆ That’s it, no more free will. ◆ You’r e special ... and I mean that in the Olympics way. ◆ The only time he touched a breast was in a bucket of KFC. ◆ A PBS mind in an MTV world. ◆ A woman’s favorite position is CEO. ◆ Allow me to introduce my selves. ◆ And which dwarf are you? ◆ Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my
cleavage. ◆ Did I mention the kick in the groin you’ll be receiving if you touch me? ◆ Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe? ◆ Does your train of thought have a caboose? ◆ I plead contemporary insanity. ◆ I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. ◆ I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. ◆ If I throw a stick, will you leave? ◆ I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable. ◆ Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong. ◆ Meandering to a different drummer. ◆ See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. ◆ Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them. ◆ The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat. ◆ You... Off my planet! ◆ No, you idiot, Meow Mix is not a CD for cats. ◆ When you get to the men’s room, you will see a sign that says, “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in. ◆ A well-balanced person with a chip on both shoulders. ◆ Another dopeless hope fiend! ◆ Are you always an idiot, or just when I’m around? ◆ If you want to get laid, crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait! ◆ Tell me the story of that dress. It’s obviously an old favorite.

  Introduction

  WELL, HERE WE GO AGAIN . . . and just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.

  When my publisher called and said The Snark Handbook was selling and that we needed to start thinking about the next book in the “series,” my first thought was, “Since when was this a series?” and then, “Enough already, ya greedy bastids” . . . but they persisted. And so, dear reader, you have before you The Snark Handbook: Insult Edition.