An Unsuitable Mother

by Sheelagh Kelly

  Nell looked at him sadly. If only they knew. ‘No, it’s nothing to do with that,’ she replied, masking her complicated feelings with a half-truth. ‘I just wouldn’t feel right spending their money when they’re dead.’ Especially after the way we parted, came her dismal afterthought.

  ‘Well, it’s yours,’ shrugged Cliff. ‘We’ve already had a decent bequest for my being executor. It’s a thankless task, you know, but better me than you.’ Here he showed concern for her wellbeing. ‘How are you coping these days? I suppose you still miss them?’

  ‘She’s got her own family now,’ put in Aunty Phyllis, still quite huffy. ‘And it’s been a long time.’

  Nell was swift to contradict this. ‘I do still miss them terribly. That’s why I’ve never been able to come and see any of you – it would be such an awful reminder, and so would their money.’

  ‘Well, leave it in the bank until you’re inclined to use it,’ pleaded Cliff. ‘It’ll come in useful, now you’ve got a family. If you give me your address … or if you just want to call round at our house, you can have the bank book.’

  ‘I will call round one day, I promise,’ said Nell. ‘I am really sorry about neglecting you.’

  ‘Well, it was a terrible loss you suffered,’ acceded Cliff.

  More terrible than you know, thought his niece.

  ‘Our Ronald came through it unscathed – if you’re interested, of course,’ added Aunty Phyllis.

  ‘I’m genuinely glad to hear that,’ murmured Nell. ‘I’d love it if he and Margaret and Daphne could be there when I come round.’

  This managed to sedate her aunt, to the extent that she said, as Nell finally took her leave, ‘Please don’t leave it too long – we’re not getting any younger, you know.’

  * * *

  Shaken by the incident, Nell was to relate it to Joe when he got home from work, and also told him of the amount of money that had been left to her. Delighted for her, he was to say the same as Uncle Cliff, that she was entitled to it.

  Nell said she supposed he was right. But then Joe was still unaware of the turmoil behind her reluctance to take it. Whilst he had confided in his wife about his cruel stepmother since their marriage, and his feelings on the matter, she felt unable to reciprocate on such a deep level, because that would involve having to tell him about William.

  Then he had surprised her by saying, ‘It might be as well to make this visit soon, mind, otherwise you’ll never do it. I’ll go with you – we’ll take Neen if you like. Have a walk to Acomb next Sunday after dinner. That’ll give you a chance to drop them a line to prepare them.’

  She was to appreciate Joe’s support, both then and on the day of the visit. For it turned out to be quite a stilted affair, after being out of touch for so many years. Even though it was nice to see Ron, Margaret and Daphne with their families, they were all strangers really. Thank heavens for the children, who played together whilst the adults chatted, and provided a source of amusement when the conversation petered out – especially Nina. Though, as usual, where she was involved there was a little embarrassment towards the end of the afternoon, when Uncle Cliff made great ceremony of handing over the bank book to Nell, and Nina asked: ‘Are we off now you’ve got your money?’

  Thankfully everyone had laughed about it, and upon them parting, Aunty Phyllis had insisted that Nell and Joe maintain contact. Happy that it had gone so well, Nell promised she would, though doubted it would extend to much more than a card at Christmas.

  On the way home, Joe asked what she would be spending the money on, she giving a shrug and saying, ‘I think I’ll put it away for a rainy day.’

  ‘Well, whatever you do, don’t go frittering it all on that one,’ warned Joe, cocking his head at their small companion, who was galloping her plastic cowboys on horseback along a wall.

  His wife smiled, and said there was no one on whom she would rather spend it. After fearing Nina might be in need of a little treat after her first day at her new school, she had been much relieved to hear that her stepdaughter had made friends quickly, two of them even calling round the day before to take her to the Saturday matinee.

  But whilst playmates for Nina might have been found, the child that Joe longed for was not yet destined to be. ‘Perhaps you shouldn’t be working so hard on the garden,’ he advised his wife, after another month or so of such activity. ‘If you were to catch on – I mean, you might already be expecting – well, it wouldn’t do the bairn any good, all that digging.’

  Nell understood this concern after Joe had lost his wife and baby son, but, ‘I’d think I’d know if I was,’ she told him smilingly. ‘Be patient. It’ll happen.’

  And, until then, Joe had to content himself with Nina, who seemed happy enough to be surrogate boy, to accompany him fishing, and hand him tools as he worked on his van. Nell, however, had grown worried about this. One needed no experience in psychiatry to reason that it must dent a little girl’s self-esteem. She had not done enough to remedy this so far, but upon going to meet Nina from school one afternoon, she realised that something would have to be done.

  Travelling along the main thoroughfare on the other side of the road, her view blocked by a rag and bone cart, Nina had not yet seen her stepmother. But Nell had seen her – and the boy who had tight grip of her arm. At the thought of her child being hurt, she immediately increased her pace and, once the cart had passed, dashed across the road.

  Nina saw her then, and dealt her a happy wave. The boy, too, released his grip with a cheery, ‘See you!’ And hopped away down a snicket.

  ‘See you!’ echoed Nina, and bounced to meet her mother, adopting an attitude of bravado as she came. But Nell knew her child, and though Nina might have succeeded in hiding her pain from the boy, she had seen that wince. ‘Was he hurting you?’

  ‘Nah! We were just playing torture. I had to resist his Chinese burn.’

  ‘Charming!’ Nell laid a hand across the skinny shoulders as she turned to walk alongside. ‘And what did you give him?’

  ‘Oh, nowt, I always let the lads try and torture me,’ said Nina in blasé fashion, kicking a stone out of her path. ‘They like to see if they can make me cry – but they can’t.’

  Nell wanted to kill them. ‘It doesn’t sound like a very nice game to me,’ she murmured, and tried to take her stepdaughter’s hand, but had her own rebuffed until Nina was sure the boy was out of sight. Nell cursed herself for not doing more about this earlier. ‘There must be some girls you could play with.’

  ‘They’re all daft,’ came the blank statement. ‘They only want to play fairies and witches.’

  ‘They can’t all be that way inclined,’ argued Nell. ‘It is possible to play Cowboys and Indians but be a girl at the same time, you know.’

  The child said nothing, but had turned introspective. Nell watched the cogs whirr in that golden head, and, to ram the idea home, added brightly, ‘I like being a girl.’

  ‘You’re a lady,’ Nina tittered.

  ‘All right then, clever clogs! A lady – and ladies can do all sorts of things that men can’t. Such as wear lipstick, and pretty clothes and high heels, and have –’ she had been about to say have babies, but changed her mind to, ‘their hair permed. You like getting dressed up, don’t you? Then I’ve got a lipstick that’s nearly finished – it’s yours!’

  Nina looked up at her then, the blue eyes quizzical, but it took a while before she could spit out her question. ‘Will Dad –’ She broke off.

  Nell knew what she had been about to say: Will Dad still like me? But, brushing this under the carpet for fear of causing her child more pain, she issued in gay tone, ‘Your dad won’t mind, I’m sure. So long as you don’t wear it for going out with him – people might think you’re his girlfriend.’ And they both laughed at the thought as they walked on.

  But, hurting for her loved one, Nell resolved to nurture the child’s sense of femininity, and prayed there would be a female playmate for her soon.

  At present
quite isolated on this unfinished estate, Nell was glad of Beata’s regular visits, to keep her up-to-date with what was happening at the hospital, or with the rest of the in-laws, few of whom had had the time to come so far. The Suez crisis over, her friend had lately brought more good news. ‘I told you they had a down on my driving school – I passed first time at Harrogate!’

  Nell smiled to herself, and chose not to bring up all those other failed tests – though she was rather apprehensive when Beata announced to Nina, ‘I’ll be able to take you out for trips to the seaside now!’ And throughout the school summer vacation, she was to fret that both would be killed in a crash.

  But if it prevented Nina from loneliness it was worth the worry, and towards the end of another year, both were still in one piece, by which time the situation had changed. One by one, the rest of the houses in the street were completed, so the occupants moved in. Nell had already made acquaintance with the elderly couple who lived to one side of her, Mr and Mrs Potter – very genteel, and obviously fallen on hard times – and on the other side of her lived Mr and Mrs Stewart, who were not so genteel, and in fact rather whiffy, but very friendly neighbours all the same. Now came plenty more to feed Nell’s inquisitive nature: war widows with children; the odd divorcee; but, in the main, just normal working-class couples, the wife staying at home to keep house, the husband going out to earn a living and mowing the grass on a weekend. Nell made a habit of stopping to chat with them all if she happened to be passing.

  Other than this she had no special friends, though she was to retain her abiding curiosity of all that went on around her. Thus, had she discovered, to her utter relief and joy, that several of these families had girls the same age as hers. One in particular was to catch her daughter’s fancy, and, almost instantly, Nell was to witness a rebirth, Nina breaking contact with the boys and tagging along with Shirley as if they were Siamese twins. They were totally different in looks and in character – one small and slender and golden, the other tall and dark, and quite mature in build for a ten-year-old – but this seemed the attraction for both. At one stroke, the mixed-up period of Nina’s life had been cured – for even if the tomboy jeans were still worn, it was along with lipstick and ponytail.

  ‘Looks like I’ve lost my sidekick,’ observed Joe in forlorn tone as he was set to go fishing one weekend, watching Nina laughing and skipping on the path with her friend.

  ‘There’s nothing to stop you taking them both along,’ mooted Nell, a lot happier. ‘I’m sure they’d enjoy the ride.’

  ‘Aye, and I’m sure they’d enjoy giggling and scaring all the fish away,’ came the blunt rejoinder. ‘No thanks, I’ll go on me own.’ He thanked her for the sandwiches, picked up his fishing tackle and departed.

  Standing by the window, Nell watched him lope up the path with his fishing basket and rod, saw Nina turn with a hopeful smile, drop the skipping rope, and hurriedly open the gate for him. But she saw, too, the envy on Nina’s face as her father enjoyed an unscheduled kickabout with a group of boys in the road, before driving away on his own. And her heart ached for her little girl.

  Nell wondered if her husband would think she had engineered it: the close relationship she and Nina continued to enjoy that left Joe somewhat out in the cold. Of course she hadn’t. Not consciously, anyway. It was just that she hated to think of her child feeling so rejected, simply for being a girl. He didn’t know he was doing it, of course. Just as Nell didn’t deliberately poach his daughter from him. But, by accident or design, that was what had occurred.

  No one mentioned a thing about this. Well, one wouldn’t. But one stewed over it, and tried to make amends. And because so much effort was put in, hence there was still to be plenty of laughter in the marriage, good holidays, and lovely Christmases. But that did not completely mend the fissures that had started to appear.

  Where Joe might have pandered to his wife’s frailty before, in her obsession with their daughter’s health, he came down hard against her latest fad. ‘Have her stuffed with dope?’ he retorted, to Nell’s information that she would be taking Nina to be immunised against polio. ‘Not on your nelly, Nelly!’

  ‘It’s not dope – it’s a wonderful, marvellous discovery!’

  ‘Nell, it killed people in America!’

  ‘But they’ve made it safer now! Just ask Beata. It’s a different vaccine.’

  ‘I don’t care. You’re not taking her.’

  ‘Oh, I am, Joe!’ The gentle stepmother temporarily vanished, replaced by one who was determined to have her own way. ‘You haven’t seen what polio can do. It’s a terrible, disgusting disease – imagine yourself being slowly paralysed until you’re no longer able to breathe – and even worse to watch your own child suffer a lingering death! And all it takes to prevent it is a needle in the arm. She’s having it.’

  How could he argue against that? He wasn’t pleased, though, and with thousands as militant as himself, Joe had support for his claim that Nell had inflicted his child with needless pain, and himself with needless worry. It took a well-known footballer to die of polio before queues began to form outside the vaccination clinics, Nell’s husband finally admitting that perhaps she had been right all along.

  And Nell had been kind, not taking the moral ground, but saying that she understood his fears. For their daughter was the most precious thing in the world to her too.

  As regards to Nina, Nell continued to be indescribably happy watching her grow. She was a voracious reader, constantly visiting the library and returning with armfuls of books, and in no time having them read and exchanged for a new batch. However, this hunger for knowledge was to prove inefficient in terms of formal education, and to Joe’s dismay the letter he so confidently opened one morning was to announce that his daughter had failed her eleven plus.

  Nina was shaken too, upon not being one of those selected for praise during class, and having it confirmed when she came home from school. But by then she had had several hours in which to recover. ‘Oh well, it’s good in a way,’ cause Shirley didn’t pass either, so we won’t get split up – we’ve decided we want to go to an all-girls school.’

  ‘Is that all you’re bothered about?’ her father exploded. ‘What about letting your parents down?’

  Nell saw the devastation that crossed Nina’s face, and rushed to explain. ‘Your dad didn’t really mean that, he’s just a bit surprised – you could never let us down, could she, Dad?’ Seeing those teary eyes, outwardly Joe agreed, though it was obvious he was still disappointed and cross with his daughter. ‘But what about letting yourself down, eh? I know you were capable of passing if you really tried – oh well, not to worry,’ he tried his best to be kind about this, ‘you might get another chance next year.’

  ‘Of course!’ Nell tried to lighten the mood. ‘Right, Neen, you run and change, then have a game with Shirley – but only for half an hour, I’ve got some steak for tea!’

  But, after waiting until Nina had donned red tartan trews and left the house, Nell was to reprove her husband. ‘You were a bit hard on her, Joe.’

  ‘Because I know she had it in her to pass! She’s been too busy daydreaming, that’s her trouble.’

  ‘But some people are just born to be dreamers,’ said Nell. ‘And really, does it matter in the long run, as long as she’s happy? I mean, look at me,’ she invited. ‘I went to a grammar school and had plenty of opportunities, but where have I ended up?’

  ‘Thank you!’ Joe was uncharacteristically bullish. ‘Now I know what I’m worth.’

  ‘I didn’t mean to disparage, I love being where I am!’ protested Nell. ‘I couldn’t be happier, looking after you and Neen, but my point is, I could still be doing this whether I had an education or not. She’s a bright girl –’

  ‘Yes, she is!’ retorted Joe. ‘And I would’ve liked her to capitalise on that.’

  ‘So instead you punish her for what you see as failure!’ accused his wife.

  ‘What are you talking about, punishing her? You�
��d think I’d beaten her within an inch of her life. I’m allowed to voice my disappointment, aren’t I?’

  ‘You could have done it privately,’ reproved Nell, more accomplished in retaining a calm, persuasive manner. ‘How do you think it makes her feel, that she hasn’t lived up to your expectations?’

  ‘I didn’t say that at all – oh, look, it’s done now! We’ll be sending her to a secondary modern and that’s that.’

  ‘Then do it with good heart,’ pleaded Nell. ‘So’s she doesn’t think you love her any the less.’

  ‘Oh for God’s sake!’ Joe shook his head in exasperation at his wife, then went out, lighting a cigarette on the way.

  Left on her own, Nell lit one too, her hands trembling from his stormy reaction.

  Listening from behind the kitchen door, Nina pressed herself against the wall as her father went up to the bathroom. When he had passed, she slipped quietly away, and escaped to the camp at the far corner of the garden, where she took a packet of cigarettes from a secret cache amongst the brambles. Then she sat lost in thought, leaned on her tartan knees, and watched the smoke curl away over the nettles.

  In the hope that Nina would have a second chance of a scholarship the following year, Joe drove her hard to complete her homework, and was always there to assist with any subject she did not understand. But the latter were manifold, and it soon became obvious that no such opportunity would arise. Hence, he resigned himself to the fact that his daughter was not cut out for academia, and, as his wife had suggested, tried to show that it did not make him love her any the less.

  It bothered him, all the same, perhaps feeling it more acutely because of other things that brought him down that year. For, after a lifetime of toiling for the good of others, Gussie’s huge heart had finally given its all.

  It was an unspeakably sad funeral. Relatives and friends came from far and wide, including Joe’s brothers, whom Nell got to meet at last, and enjoyed listening to their reminiscences afterwards – though this was abruptly ended when her husband could bear no more and drove her home.