An Unsuitable Mother

by Sheelagh Kelly

  Nina shook her head. ‘I didn’t want to tell anybody before you.’

  Nell moaned at this pathetic show of loyalty. ‘You poor thing, keeping this all to yourself. Well, maybe you can confide when you go over tonight. I’ll let your dad watch the news first, then tell him.’

  ‘I can’t believe how understanding you’re being.’ Nina gulped. Her cheeks were mottled and her eyes red, but there was also an air of relief. ‘I thought you’d be raving too.’

  ‘Well, I can’t say I’m happy about it.’ More serious than her daughter had ever seen her, Nell shook her head. ‘But what’s done is done, and as your mother I’m bound to help.’

  The girl took a deep breath and nodded. Then she asked, ‘Do you think he’ll have calmed down in time for Coronation Street?’

  ‘Oh, Neen …’ Her mother did sound recriminatory now.

  ‘No, I wasn’t being –!’ Nina’s eyes were instantly flooded once more. ‘I just meant, will it be safe for me to come home by then?’

  ‘I doubt he’ll have calmed down even by the Epilogue!’ declared Nell. ‘And if I were you, I’d be ready to face him well before Coro. The minute he hears, he’ll want to come banging on Shirley’s door – oh, don’t worry, I won’t let him,’ she appeased quickly, to Nina’s look of terror. ‘I’ll fetch you when it’s safe. But, you’re going to have to face him sometime, so you might as well get it over with.’

  ‘I’m really sorry!’ Nina broke down and wept again at the thought of all the trouble she had caused this lovely woman.

  Hugging her close, Nell patted her and spoke with compassion. ‘These things happen, Neen.’

  ‘Not if you’re careful. I’ve been so stupid, Mam. I’m really, really sorry.’

  With a last comforting pat, Nell released her. ‘I think I need a cig.’ Having lit one for herself, out of habit she extended the packet to Nina. ‘Oh, I forgot, you’ve given up. Now we know why they tasted queer.’

  Her daughter was quick to recant. ‘Queer or not, I will have one if you don’t mind. I need it.’

  ‘We both do,’ agreed Nell, and they were to draw deeply on these lifelines for a while, before discussing the matter again.

  ‘It must have been just after you started work, was it?’ she asked in due course.

  Her daughter gave a nod.

  ‘I wasn’t even aware you had a boyfriend.’ Nell sounded a little hurt. ‘Will he marry you?’

  Nina shook her head and sniffed. ‘He doesn’t know I’m expecting. I haven’t been out with him since …’

  Nell was instantly suspicious, her cigarette pausing in mid-air. ‘He didn’t force you?’

  ‘No! No, honestly, he didn’t.’ Nina squinted, her scrawny chest exhaling one blast of smoke after another.

  ‘Then maybe it’s not too late to fix this,’ mulled Nell, gradually become fog-bound. ‘If we can talk your father round, we might be able to get you and this boy back together. Once he knows –’

  ‘Mam,’ Nina’s eyes brimmed with tears again, as she was forced to confess, ‘we never were “together”. We just sort of bumped into each other one night. I was tanked up and got carried away …’

  Nell started. ‘So you’d never been out with him before? Don’t you even know his name?’

  A tearful shake of the head from Nina caused Nell to exclaim to the heavens, ‘Oh, good grief!’

  Nina was sobbing now. ‘That’s what I meant! That’s why I daren’t tell you before – me dad’ll go nuts!’

  For all her shock, Nell threw the cigarette into the fireplace and sought to comfort her girl, knowing how alone Nina must be feeling, especially so as she was an even more tender age than Nell herself had been upon giving birth to William. She thought of her own mother too, having sex with a stranger. But she managed to remain calm, and said now, ‘Don’t worry, love, we’ll fix it somehow. I promise I’ll do all I can to help.’ Then she frowned and shook her head in disbelief at how she had not noticed her own daughter’s inebriation. ‘But how did you get in such a state – the drink, I mean?’

  This batch of tears exhausted. Nina gave another huge sniff and wiped her eyes, which were now red and sore. ‘You know that bottle of Emva Cream somebody got you for Christmas?’

  Nell recalled with a sigh that it had been shoved in a cupboard and forgotten, but obviously not by some.

  ‘Remember when me and Shirley went to stay that night at Bridget’s? Well, I took it with me. Sorry.’

  ‘But her parents must have noticed you all drinking,’ objected Nell. ‘What were they thinking about?’

  Nina shook her head. ‘We swigged it down by t’river, sneaked back in later without them noticing.’

  ‘Staggered, more like,’ said an annoyed Nell. Exhibiting despair, she listened as Nina gave further brief details.

  ‘Anyway, some lads came by, and he was among them. I’ve always fancied him.’ Nina looked vulnerable, her face wan and her voice hollow. ‘He’s really good-looking. I thought he was a nice lad as well – he seemed it, really funny, and good company and that – till I went up to talk to him a few days later.’

  ‘I thought you said you hadn’t seen him again,’ frowned Nell.

  ‘I said I hadn’t been out with him! I’ve seen him. I see him every bloody week at Empire bop, but he made it plain he didn’t want to go out with me again after he’d had his leg over.’ She broke down, choked by tears of self-pity.

  Nell was furious now. ‘Well, he might not care to go out with you, but he’s got a responsibility!’

  ‘But I don’t want anything to do with him!’ roared the tearful face. ‘He’s a scumbag, and I bloody hate him!’

  Minding that her own sensibility was assaulted by the disgustingly modern term, Nell fought this reaction, and put an arm around the speaker, trying to staunch her misery. After a long interval, during which she was constantly to assuage Nina’s distress, she was finally to get around to the baby itself. ‘What are we going to do about this then? Would you like to keep it?’

  Nina blew her nose and wiped her eyes again. ‘I’ve thought about it a lot … I don’t know what’s best. I didn’t want it at first –’ cause I hated him. I would’ve taken something to get rid of it if I’d known where to turn –’

  ‘It wasn’t a fib about those aspirins, was it?’ Nell burst in. ‘Please say you didn’t take them!’

  Nina assured her that she had indeed used them to replace a suspender. ‘No, there’s a shop down Church Street that’s supposed to sell pills or whatnot, but I daren’t go in.’

  Her mother exclaimed aloud. ‘Thank God you didn’t! It would’ve been useless, if not downright dangerous.’

  ‘I thought it’d probably be adopted,’ continued Nina. ‘’Cause I’ve never been really interested in babies. But then I felt it move inside me, and the more it moves, the more I love it.’ She placed a protective hand over her abdomen, her face momentarily lighting up at the child inside her. ‘You know when it –’ She broke off with a look of awkwardness. ‘Oh no, sorry, I forgot you haven’t had one of your own …’

  ‘Yes, I do know what it feels like.’ Overwhelmed by the situation, Nell made an impulsive announcement. ‘I was once in the same position as you are now, and I was forced to give my baby away, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t think about him, so if you want to keep this one, then I’ll do everything in my power to help you, because if you let it be taken from you, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.’ Her rushed delivery cracked with emotion, and, to Nina’s further astonishment, she broke down sobbing.

  It was the daughter’s turn to comfort then, to hug and to hold and to dab away the tears. And, after the painful episode receded, she breathed incredulously, ‘Mam, you’ve really floored me – I never knew!’

  ‘No one did,’ sniffed Nell, wiping her eyes quickly, as if regretting this lapse. ‘At least, I didn’t tell anyone, though your Aunty Beat guessed. I swore her to secrecy, and she’s kept her word ever since.’

&nb
sp; ‘So Dad –?’

  ‘Has no idea,’ Nell responded swiftly, at the same time realising that the time might be nigh to speak up. ‘But I might have to tell him when I plead your case. He can’t possibly understand what you’re going through, and I want him to know before he makes any rash judgement. If that’s the only way, then so be it. I have to make him understand, so’s he’ll allow you to keep it.’

  Nina gazed into her mother’s face for a moment, as if trying to read all that had happened in her past. Then, with nothing volunteered, she was compelled to ask, ‘Did you say it was a boy or a girl?’

  ‘A boy,’ replied Nell, adding quickly that, ‘I can’t bear to speak about him any more.’ Then, looking deeply into her daughter’s eyes, each obviously as stunned as the other, she reached for her packet of cigarettes. ‘God, what a day …’

  * * *

  The news had been over for ten minutes, yet Nell had still not plucked up the courage to tell Joe. It was not merely out of support for Nina – wanting to get this right, so that her father would be persuaded to show mercy – no, it was that all this turmoil had picked Nell up like a hurricane and carried her back to her own desperate situation. She was eighteen again, bereft of her darling Billy and terrified beyond words. Her heart was beating twenty to the dozen, and her breath coming in irregular little gasps as she relived every minute. She heard herself pleading to be allowed to keep her baby, experienced again the weeks of agonised silence that led to that point when all hell had erupted. Was this the way to go, to tell Joe first all about her own personal nightmare, hopefully to gain his sympathy, before dropping the real bombshell? For only that way might he be made to see just why Nina must be allowed to keep her baby …

  ‘Come on, out with it, then!’ came a dry interjection.

  Nell jumped back into the present, and turned to stare at him.

  ‘Well, you’ve obviously done summat.’ Joe inserted a cigarette into his lopsided smile. ‘You’ve been sat there looking guilty as hell since teatime. What is it?’

  His wife took a breath. ‘Neen’s having a baby.’ Oh no, it had come out all wrong!

  Joe gave a sharp little laugh. ‘I hope to Christ you’re joking.’ But he could tell from the look on her face that she was not.

  A second of astonishment, then: ‘I’ll kill her!’ Throwing his just-lit cigarette onto the fire, he shot for the door, but Nell got to it first and barred his way.

  ‘Wait, wait!’ Her busty figure grappled with his lean one. Unwilling to use his greater strength, Joe ordered her to get out of his way, but Nell stood firm, pressing with all her might against the door whilst he attempted to get round her. ‘Let’s just discuss it between ourselves first as to what’s to be done!’

  ‘What’s to discuss? I’ll clatter the bloody pair of them!’

  ‘There is no pair! Only Neen, and she’s already devastated without you laying into her!’

  This served to delay Joe, whose scowl was both angry and anxious. ‘She wasn’t …’ He could not bear to say raped.

  But Nell quickly assured him. ‘No, but the boy’s no longer on the scene, and she doesn’t know where he lives.’

  ‘We could soon find out! She must know his name!’

  Nell shook her head. ‘It was just the one time, a meeting of strangers …’

  This damning statement proved sufficient to deter him from charging after Nina. Shocked to the core that his child could have descended to such immorality, Joe stayed to listen, putting his hands to his head as his wife relayed the basic details. Then another blast of gunpowder. ‘I knew that bloody Shirley’d be involved! Little tart, with her skirt up to her arse –’

  ‘Joe, it’s nothing to do with Shirley. Nina was the one who took our bottle of sherry, she admits she was idiotic to drink too much, but it doesn’t have to ruin her entire life, only if we let it.’

  Joe continued to rant for a while about the irresponsibility of others. Then he let out a moan. ‘Jesus Christ, what the hell are we going to do? That bastard! She’s fifteen, for God’s sake!’ Only now did this gain double importance, and he responded with alacrity.

  ‘We could have him done for it!’

  ‘And drag her through the courts?’ Nell shook her head.

  ‘The stupid little bitch!’ Joe thumped both arms of the chair in frustration. ‘Ruining her life …’

  ‘Oh Joe.’ Nell came to perch on the arm beside him, rubbing his back whilst he kneaded his own injured hands. ‘Don’t go heaping blame on her, she was worried enough about what you’d think.’

  His head snapped round and his face flared red. ‘She was right to be! As if it wasn’t bad enough her chucking away her education just to earn a swift quid – do they know about this at work?’ he added quickly.

  Nell shook her head. ‘They can’t do or they would have sent her home. No wonder the poor little devil’s been wearing sloppy sweaters – to hide her bump.’

  ‘How many months is she?’ When told, Joe looked sick. ‘It makes my flesh crawl to think of my little lass and that … pervert! How could she let him, Nell? We didn’t bring her up to behave like a slut.’

  ‘Don’t you ever call her that!’ Nell shot to her feet, tortured by the memory of having this insult hurled at her. ‘It’s not fair –’

  ‘Fair? What’s fair about her family being sniggered at because she couldn’t keep her bloody knickers on? You’re a nurse, for God’s sake, you of all people should have been able to warn her about this happening!’

  Nell blushed. Yes, she of all people should have ensured her child avoided pregnancy. But no, she had been too busy dictating rules of housekeeping: wash glass and cutlery first, iron collars and cuffs. It was ridiculous, considering the intimate tasks she performed for patients. But that was not half so embarrassing as discussing sex with one’s child. The subject taboo in her own youth, she had not even been able to tell Nina about periods, but had fobbed her off with a pamphlet – more than her own mother had ever given her.

  ‘You’ve always let her think she could behave as she liked, haven’t you? That whatever she might do we’d forgive her –’

  ‘Well I will!’ vouched Nell, her anger growing.

  ‘Oh yes, and don’t we know it – you’re worse than our Beat for letting her have her own way! At least she only ever spoiled her with toys and whatnot, she made sure the lass knew right from wrong!’

  Nell showed offence that he scoffed at her morals. ‘You’re one to talk! Has it never crossed your mind that you could be a little bit responsible here for making her feel she should’ve been born a boy?’

  Joe was momentarily poleaxed, but soon recovered to counter angrily, ‘What sort of logic is that? It’s not boys who get pregnant – so even if I did do as you’re suggesting, I didn’t make a very good job of it, did I?’

  Nell was in danger of losing her own temper. ‘What I mean is, you might have created some kind of hang-up in making her think she wasn’t good enough in some way, and – oh, I don’t know! I’m not a psychiatrist. I just know that you’ve never been satisfied with anything she’s achieved.’

  ‘And what exactly has she achieved?’ he threw at her. ‘How to get up the spout – that’s what you’ve taught her.’

  He remained ignorant of William, but his attack could not have been more hurtful – and how much more hurtful he might be if she were to reveal the truth. Well, she was damned if she would tell him now. Nell bit her tongue and glared at him.

  ‘Anyway, shut up and let me think!’ Joe turned away dismissively. ‘Maybe it’s not too late: she doesn’t show – I had no idea, so neither should anyone else – we can get her into one of them mother and baby homes before any of them notice. A private one, not one of them religious ones, I had enough of bloody nuns preaching at me when I was growing up …’

  ‘Joe, she wants to keep the ba—’

  ‘No bloody chance!’ He cut her off with a bitter laugh. ‘She might have twisted me round her finger before, but she’s certainly
put paid to that now. She can think herself bloody lucky I don’t sling her out.’

  ‘You wouldn’t do that,’ Nell said with certainty.

  ‘Wouldn’t I? I will if she continues to play silly buggers. The minute I find out where to send her, she’ll be away, and she’ll not come back until it’s dealt with – and you’ll back me up on this! None of your ganging up on me …’

  ‘Of course I’ll back you,’ said Nell, playing for time. ‘But first things first, we’ll have to get her to the doctor’s and have it confirmed. But it’s pretty certain. I think,’ she added, dashing his look of hope. ‘Do you promise not to go berserk if I fetch her in?’

  With a snort of derision, Joe guaranteed not to resort to violence. ‘But, like it or not, she’ll hear what I have to say!’

  Nina was compelled to hear her father’s piece, and in no uncertain terms. Learning that he planned to send her off to a mother and baby home was hard enough to take, but when it became obvious he expected the child to be adopted, she immediately spun to Nell for assistance.

  ‘Your mother isn’t going to help sweet-talk me this time!’ Joe told her. ‘It’s being adopted, and that’s that!’

  ‘I could go and stay with Aunty Bea—’

  ‘And bring shame on her? You will not! You’re not even going to tell her about this, neither of you!’

  ‘But Dad –’

  ‘Leave it, Neen!’ Fearing the girl might inadvertently let out her own secret, Nell bundled her daughter from the room and towards the stairs, whispering into her ear as they went, ‘Let me do it, love. Don’t worry, I’ll talk him round.’

  But, turning to look at Joe’s angry face, she was not at all sure that she could.

  In the hours that followed, Nell was to relive her own nightmare, the scenes she had once been part of being replayed again, only with different players taking the roles. It was small mercy that Nina had been spared from having to carry her deception right to the point of labour, for otherwise their ordeals were the same. Joe was still as furious the next day – just as her own father had been – and, as Wilfred had laid down the law, so it was Joe who instructed them on what would be done.