by J. F. Smith
He sat with his laptop in his lap, the only possession he had to take back with him. The helicopter lifted up, turned briefly into the sun as it sank lower in the sky, and then turned north towards his next destination. Matt looked out at the USS Iwo Jima for one last time, watching it retreat into the distance, thinking about everything that had happened to him. He was a million miles away from where he had started.
Chapter 24 – Off Balance
Matt was about one minute shy of asking someone if he could borrow their cell phone so he could call Bret or Jim to come pick him up. He had been waiting thirty minutes now from when Brian had said he’d be there to pick Matt up at the airport, and he was tired and ready to be home. Brian had insisted he’d be there on time. Someone surely would have been happy to let him use their cell phone. There had been multiple people on the flights back that had stopped Matt and thanked him for being a service member. He had just played along rather than tried to explain why he was wearing an authentic BDU without actually being in the military.
Just as he was about to reach the end of his patience, he saw Brian, who would have walked right past him if Matt hadn’t grabbed his arm and stopped him. His impatience to get home and impatience with Brian for being late evaporated as soon as he touched his arm.
It took a second before Brian realized who it was that had grabbed him. Brian gawked at Matt, and then finally found his voice. He said, “Matt! I didn’t even recog… why the hell are you dressed like that? What the hell happened to your hair?”
Matt ignored his questions for a moment, instead pulling Brian to him and hugging him close, so glad to really be home. He kissed Brian right on the lips, which probably drew more than a fair share of looks from passers-by in the airport.
They made their way through the airport and back to Brian’s car and Matt started to finally answer some of his questions.
Matt explained, “These are all the clothes I have. I lost everything else while in Latakia. So I had to wear a BDU while on the ship. And as for the hair, well, some of the guys were horsing around before I left and decided I needed to look more like a real Navy recruit. They held me down and shaved my head.” Matt loved thinking back over that last day he was able to spend with the team.
Brian looked at him, disgusted. “They held you down? You let these assholes shave your head?”
Matt could tolerate a lot of Brian’s attitude, but not this. He turned on Brian in a way that he was clearly not used to hearing from Matt. “Ok. We’re going to get something straight right here and now. You will NOT talk about these guys that way ever again. These are good guys, Brian. Better guys than you can imagine. I got to know them pretty well, and… and… just don’t ever talk about them like that ever again. I mean it, Brian. Is that clear?”
Brian looked at Matt like he was crazy. He said, “Ok… sorry… jeez, Matt.”
Trying to move past Matt’s sudden outburst, Brian asked, “Ok, so you’ve got nothing that you went over there with, except your laptop, obviously. So what the hell happened, Matt? This whole thing has me freaked out and I’m tired of waiting to understand this.”
Matt said, “As much as I really do want to talk about the details, Brian, I can’t tell you much. I was kind of abducted while I was over there. And the Navy happened to be in a position to get me out of the situation I was in. They got me over to the USS Iwo Jima and let me stay there until they could arrange for me to get back to the US. For reasons I can’t go into, and under specific instructions from the Department of State, I can’t talk about it more than just to say that.”
Brian almost lost control of his car and yelled, “WHAT!? Abducted? ABDUCTED, Matt? Abducted by who? How did they get you out? Why would someone abduct you? Jesus, Matt! You never said anything about being fucking kidnapped!! What the hell are you talking about?!”
Matt realized this was going to be much harder than he thought it was going to be. He sighed and said, “Brian, I know you want to understand what happened. But there are real reasons why I’m not talking about it, even above and beyond the strict instructions I got to not talk to anyone under any circumstance.”
Brian asked, “Was it these people at that university you were at? Did they kidnap you? What did they do to you?”
Randall had been right that people would immediately start the game of twenty questions, trying to triangulate into the story from his answers. Matt recognized this. He said, “I’m sorry, Brian. I can’t say any more than I have.”
The rest of the car ride back home was very strained. Brian kept trying to probe in various directions, hoping to get anything out of him, but Matt refused each attempt until Brian finally gave up. Brian grew increasingly mad at Matt, and Matt was tired of having to tell Brian he couldn’t answer his questions. The last few minutes before arriving at Matt’s apartment, Brian spent in sullen silence.
When Matt walked in the front door of his apartment, he noticed the lights were already on. And before he had a chance to even look around, he heard someone yell “Matt!” and practically tackle him in a violent hug.
Matt backed up a step from the force of the person holding onto him. He relaxed and hugged back. “Chiliburger! God, Bret, it’s good to see you, too!”
Bret finally let go, and Matt was able to give Jim a hug as well. Jim came up and grabbed Matt tightly. He could feel Jim’s anxiety in his embrace, and that he was glad to have Matt home. Jim whispered in Matt’s ear, “Please, Matt, please… don’t ever scare me like that again. I’m serious, Matt.”
Matt stepped back and said, “Believe me, I have no intention of doing this to you guys or myself ever again!” He thought to himself what an understatement that was.
Bret wrinkled up his nose and said, “What… is all this getup? And look at your hair, or utter lack thereof! You’re almost butch all of a sudden!” He pointed at Matt’s clothes and head and had his hand over his mouth in shock.
Matt laughed and said, “Ok. I want a beer. It’s been two weeks, and I just want a beer right now. Then I’ll explain the little bit I can.”
Bret and Jim sat down on the sofa while Brian went to get beers for everyone. Brian handed out the beers, then sat sullenly in a chair while Bret and Jim eagerly awaited getting real answers. Matt began his explanation, knowing it would leave a lot to be desired from his audience.
“This isn’t going to be what you want to hear, and you’re going to have a million more questions than you started with, but here goes. While I was over in Latakia, I was abducted, and the Navy…”
Bret immediately shouted, “ABDUCTED?! Abducted, like as in, what? Fucking abducted?!”
Matt said, “Yes, that kind of abducted. Let me finish, Bret, please. The Navy was in a position to step in and help me out. They got me back to the ship, the USS Iwo Jima, and I stayed there until they could make arrangements to get me home.”
Bret immediately said, “Ok, so that’s…” but Matt walked over to him and literally put his hand over Bret’s mouth to shut him up.
Matt continued, knowing his next statement was just going to inflame Bret even more. “Guys… that’s it. That’s all I can say. Yes, it was scary. Yes, I’m glad to be home. But under strict orders of the Department of State, I can’t say anything else. Please don’t make this harder on me than it already is by demanding a lot of answers I can’t give.”
Bret and Jim sat in shocked silence for a moment. Bret recovered first and demanded, “Is this some kind of a joke? You’re just pulling a joke, right? The hair, the weird military-fetish outfit, it’s all just an elaborate joke, right?”
“No, Bret. I wish it was. I wish it was…” Brian, Jim, and Bret could all see the look on Matt’s face as he said this, and knew that Matt wasn’t joking.
Jim asked, “So, was it like terrorists or something? That kidnapped you?”
Matt said, sadly, “I can’t talk about it.”
Bret asked, “Did the terrorists shave your head? Is that what they’re doing these days? Bad hairstyles?”<
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Matt laughed and said, “Chili, I swear to God… I got to know some of the guys on the ship. Before I left, they were horsing around with me and shaved my head.”
Matt explained that the only clothes he came back with were the ones he was wearing. Then they started with questions along the lines of those Brian had asked, trying to get Matt to give them even oblique clues as to what happened.
To get them off of that, he spent a little time giving them safe details. He described the Iwo Jima, Vulture’s Row, the chow hall, the flight deck, the hangar deck. He even mentioned how his friends had let him target practice with a submachine gun a little. This seemed to work pretty well, at least for Jim and Bret, who seemed very interested in these details.
Brian sat over in Matt’s overstuffed chair, not saying much. Matt pretty much expected this as this was Brian’s usual way of sulking when forced to be around Bret and Jim. Matt knew Brian didn’t care for them very much, and if Brian had had his way, Matt would only really associate with Brian’s friends. But Matt had been particularly obstinate about this and didn’t give up on his good comrades.
Matt said he wanted another beer, and as he went to go get one, he noticed Bret starting to text people on his phone. He stopped and said, “Bret, seriously, do me a favor and just keep this between us. I can’t talk about it, and having to tell a hundred people I can’t talk about it will be exhausting.”
Bret looked very disappointed, but put his phone away.
Jim followed Matt into the kitchen to get another beer as well.
Matt said, “You’re pretty quiet, Jimmy Bob.”
“What’s there to say? If you really can’t talk, you can’t talk. Of course, my imagination is conjuring up all sorts of horrible things that would wind up with you being instructed by the US government to not talk about it, so that’s a little upsetting. But, I’m just glad to see you here, in person, safe and sound. In the end, that’s all that matters to me.” Jim frowned, moved by the thought of what might have happened to his best friend, and made Matt hug him again.
Jim finally probed a little more, “I saw on CNN, there were explosions in Syria the other night, in Latakia. Not accidents, but like bombs. Please tell me that had nothing to do with you.”
Matt clenched. He didn’t like outright lying to Jim, but he couldn’t leave this open-ended either. He couldn’t leave Jim wondering if he was somehow involved in that kind of danger. He said, “No, Jim. I never left the ship.” He hated saying it, but re-assuring Jim was more important.
Jim glanced down at Matt’s arm, studying it for a moment. Matt caught the glance and immediately became self-conscious that he was looking at the still very fresh cut from the piece of glass in the explosions at Café Lucien. Matt knew Jim well enough to know that he might not be buying Matt’s story.
Jim stared at the cut a moment, his concern over what his friend had been through growing, and almost spilling out as his lip started to tremble slightly. Jim fought it back and said, “I don’t know what I’d do if you hadn’t come home safely, Matt.” Matt hugged him again, feeling so glad to be home and to have friends like Jim.
Matt called out to Bret in the other room without even looking to see what he was doing, “Bret! What did I say about sending texts? Put the phone down!”
“Ugh! How do you know these things? You’re worse than my mom!” yelled Bret back to Matt.
~~~~~
Brian said, irritably, “Baby, I’ve got to be up early for work tomorrow, and it’s already pretty late. I know you want me to stay, but I need to go.”
Matt could feel his face flush hot, and he was flustered and disappointed. He was really looking forward to being with Brian all night, not just long enough to have sex. He really wanted to have Brian next to him all night. He needed it.
Matt said, “Please, Brian, it’s like you don’t seem to care that much about what I went through. Please stay!”
“What do you want from me, Matt? You can’t talk about it at all, or just won’t talk about it at all, but then expect me to be all over you like I understand what it is that you went through. I feel like I’m supposed to leave you alone about it, but then I get blamed because I am leaving you alone about it.”
Brian leaned his forearm up against the open door jamb of Matt’s apartment and put his head on it.
Matt stood there confused. Was that what he was doing to Brian? That didn’t seem like what he was doing, but he couldn’t figure it out.
Brian finally said, “There’s just more and more of this lately. It’s like you want to keep me off balance in this relationship, Matt.”
Matt knew that wasn’t the case at all. “Brian, no, you’re the one thing I want more than anything else. I… I don’t know what I’m doing that makes you say that.”
Brian ran his hand over his face. “Can we just talk about this tomorrow? I’m really tired, Matt. I’m sorry for whatever you went through, and I’m glad the Navy got you home to me safely. I missed you, baby. Just keep that in your shaved head.” He reached out and rubbed Matt’s velvety head.
And with that, Brian left, leaving Matt alone with his thoughts, but at least safe at home.
After Jim and Bret had left earlier, Matt practically pounced on Brian, wanting to feel him next to him so badly he could taste it. Wanting to be the best boyfriend in the world. He had cheated death barely a week earlier, and he intended to keep his promise. So, they had had sex, but Brian still seemed a little uninvolved, like he was still disgruntled that Matt wouldn’t tell him everything. Like he was just going through the obligatory motions. Matt guessed he couldn’t blame Brian for feeling that way. What really hurt was that he refused to spend the night. That was more important to Matt than the sex. Matt wanted Brian to be there for him, and he was disappointed that he couldn’t seem to get even just a little solace from Brian.
Matt sat down on his sofa, feeling a little lost now that he was alone.
Just two nights earlier now, he had somehow had the most harrowing night of his life, and at the same time, one of the warmest and most peaceful. How could those things exist together? Even as bad as it was, just knowing that Mope hijacked a motorcycle to come after him, steadied his nerves and calmed his panic, put his arm around his shoulder to comfort him, told Matt that Brian was the lucky one, made Matt feel good. It made Matt feel… something he almost couldn’t describe. How could a night so terrible feel so wonderful at the same time? Would he ever feel something like that again? Mope was such a set of contradictions to Matt. This person could plant himself in front of a speeding van, take aim with a rifle, and blow a person’s head off without flinching. He could drive a knife into a guy’s neck, killing him, then calmly take the knife out, wipe it off, and put it back in its sheath. Matt didn’t know people like that, let alone gay people. And then this same person could hold Matt’s head gently in his hands, make him look into his eyes, and slow his breathing and bring his nerves back down to earth.
He had the email addresses of Mope, Petey, Baya, and Desantos, and he thought that maybe he should send them an email letting them know he was home safe. He wanted to know they were safe, too. Any kind of contact with them would feel good. But he didn’t want to be clingy, either. He felt lost, caught between two worlds and not really a part of either at the moment. He didn’t know what to do.
He finally decided he’d wait and send emails to the team the next day. He needed to focus back on the life he had come back to, and he knew Brian would move past this. And he would help him. Matt was committed to really appreciating what he had in Brian. And daydreaming about other things would just result in broken promises. And honoring promises was an important thing to Matt, more so than ever before.
Matt crawled into his bed, wanting sleep, and hoped he didn’t have the dream about being alone in the empty room.
Chapter 25 – Sincerity Sucks
“Ugh! Stop that! Why are you doing this? Don’t give me that scolded puppy dog look! You know I hate when you do that!�
� said Bret, putting his sandwich back down on his plate.
Matt couldn’t help it. Bret had never been quite so blunt in his remarks regarding Brian before. Sure, he had always tried to get Matt to feel like Brian was the one dragging their relationship down, but he always approached it much more indirectly or softly. Suddenly today, Bret wasn’t being very gentle or indirect about it.
Matt said, his shoulders slumped and feeling hurt, “But what you say I should do, I just don’t think I could, Bret. I’m lucky to have Brian, and more than ever, I want to be the best boyfriend for him I can be.”
Matt had met Bret for lunch on the Friday after getting back from Syria before taking the afternoon off to go shopping. During their lunch, Matt decided he needed a little moral support and finally mentioned how he was a little disappointed that Brian hadn’t stayed with him the night he had gotten back. That he kind of needed Brian’s support that night, but hadn’t really gotten it. To make matters worse, Brian had been grumpy all week.
It was at that point that Bret went off like a firecracker, pointing his fork at Matt and attracting the attention of nearby tables he was so wound up. He described Brian as completely not worth it. As someone that even he wouldn’t go out with, despite his pathetically loose standards and morals. But he surely didn’t expect Brian to change. Matt needed to fix the situation. Matt had to get some balls, stop being a doormat, and demand more from Brian, or find somebody that would give him more.
Matt could almost see the steam coming out of Bret’s ears.
At the risk of making matters worse, Matt said, “You know how miserable I was before I met Brian. And who’s to say all that wouldn’t make matters worse? We’ve talked about this before, Bret. Even Brian says leaving him would be the stupidest thing I could ever do, that I’d just wind up with some douchebag who’d use me.”
Bret looked like he was about to tear his own face off he was so frustrated with Matt.