by J. F. Smith
Bret stood up from the table, stepped around to Matt and motioned at him impatiently with his hand. “Stand up,” he demanded.
People were still staring and Matt was hurt and a little nervous about what Bret was going to do. Bret could draw from a deep well of drama when he wanted to, and that was worrying Matt right at this moment.
“STAND UP!” Bret yelled.
Matt stood up, and Bret grabbed him and hugged him tightly. He hugged Matt like he was never going to see him again for the rest of his life. Matt felt better and hugged him back, glad that Bret really cared and glad that it was just a hug. Bret didn’t say anything and didn’t let Matt go for what felt like forever.
Bret finally stood back from Matt and they sat back down. Bret’s eyes were red like he was about to start crying. He said, more calmly, “Ok. You’re now making me say something heartfelt and sincere instead of sarcastic and bitter, which I much prefer. Soooo… fuck you for that.”
Bret had to take a second to pull himself together to say what he had to say.
“Matt, you are one of the best people I’ve ever known, and there are precious few men out there that deserve someone as wonderful as you. And frankly, you are so far out of Brian’s league that it’s downright comical… and sad. You want to think the best of Brian so much. You want to think the best of everyone so much. You want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, always seeing the very best in them. So much so, that if you ever do seem to doubt someone, then that person is, without doubt, a douche extraordinaire. If you think it’s easy for me to see you being treated like a dishrag, you’re miserably wrong. But I know how much Brian means to you, having convinced yourself he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you. And I just couldn’t hurt you by speaking my mind. I just couldn’t do it, Matt, not to you. I’ve hated holding back, but I did. But I can’t do it anymore. It just kills me that you won’t give yourself any more credit than you do. It just kills me how you don’t see how you’re worth so much more, and yet it’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.”
Bret’s lip quivered before he took a sharp breath and said, “Ok. There. I’ve said it. Christ, sincerity sucks! Alright… now… back to your regularly scheduled programming… that haircut looks much better on you when you’re in that butch military outfit you came home in. You should wear that until your hair grows back out a little. I require you to wear the sexy military getup from now on.”
Matt sat stunned. He had no idea how to react. He had never seen Bret being so unguarded and unequivocal with anyone. It hurt to hear him say these things and it made him feel deeply loved at the same time. It was a slap in the face and the tightest embrace. He knew Bret cared, in his own way, but he never realized how deeply. But still, Bret didn’t understand. Brian was important to Matt, and having that connection with someone was important. Bret just didn’t understand the give and take in a relationship. To think it wouldn’t be there was naïve. Plus, Matt had made a promise to himself. And honoring that promise was important to the person he had become. Bret just didn’t understand how important the promise was.
Bret pulled out his phone and punched at it some, sending a text.
He said, “You need to see this, Matt.”
On Matt’s phone, the text arrived with a picture attached to it. Matt opened it up and saw a picture of a really drunk Brian and his really drunk ex-boyfriend, Greg, sitting together on a couch out at some club. Brian’s hand was down the front of Greg’s shirt.
It hurt Matt to see it, but as easy as it would be to assume the worst from that picture, he didn’t want to damn Brian for something that could so easily be innocent. Matt wondered what kind of person he’d be if he insisted Brian never have contact of any kind with an ex-boyfriend, including out in public.
Matt said, “They’re just drunk, Bret.”
Bret said, impatiently, “People have sex when they’re drunk!”
“And sometimes they’re too drunk to have sex,” insisted Matt.
Bret looked like he didn’t know what to do – push harder or let it go. He looked miserable, like he was destroying something rare and beautiful. But Matt had had this conversation with Bret, and Jim for that matter, before.
Matt said quietly, “Bret, I know you’re looking out for me. You and Jimmy mean more to me than you can imagine. And after what I’ve been through, you guys mean more to me than even before.”
Bret seemed to relax a little.
But Matt added, “But after what I’ve been through, so does Brian.” He waited for the inevitable outburst.
Bret heaved an enormous sigh. He said, “I give up. You are the sweetest, most hard-headed person I know, and you look damn fine in a military uniform, and I could absolutely strangle you sometimes, and I could absolutely hug you the rest. I hope Brian makes you feel something no one else does, because it would be the only reason to put up with his shit.”
Bret pushed his plate away from him at the table. He said, “I so totally wish I could take the afternoon off and go shopping with you. I could spend the entire time telling you how infuriating you are and shopping for clothes. Two of my most favorite things in the whole world. Well, after internet porn, anyway.”
Matt was actually a little glad he couldn’t go with him. Spending all afternoon with Bret being this intense would wear him out.
Instead, Matt made sure that Bret was going to come watch their first softball game on Saturday, and they went their separate ways.
~~~~~
Matt browsed through the sport coats hanging on the racks, but he wasn’t focusing on them very well. His mind was still at lunch with Bret, hearing so many things put very bluntly that, for over a year, Bret had only tiptoed around out of concern and compassion for Matt.
He had already picked up most of the clothing he really needed. Since he had lost everything he had taken to Syria, he had to put a little concerted effort into rebuilding his wardrobe. He had gotten enough things to cover his needs, and now he was just passing time browsing through the men’s department at the Macy’s that he sometimes went to.
He ran across a sport coat he really liked, but he hadn’t lost one of those in Syria, so buying it would be just buying it because he liked it. His mind drifted back to his lunch with Bret. Bret meant well, but he just didn’t understand what he had gone through in Syria. How he had changed while he was over there.
Randall had been very right. It was hard not talking about everything that had happened over there. He wished he could talk about it. He had sent emails to Petey, Mope, Desantos and Baya, telling them he was safe at home. Wishing them all good luck and to be safe. And to please, please, please let him know they were ok. He wished he could talk to them. Hear their voices. Remind himself, remind them, of how much they meant to him. None more so than Mope. He went to bed every night thinking about how it felt to have Mope’s arm around him, leaning against an olive tree in the middle of the night in the Syrian countryside. He went to bed every night with that thought and the guilt it caused. But he hadn’t heard anything. None of them had replied. He tried to tell himself it didn’t mean anything and that they were safe, but his own consolation wasn’t much.
Matt decided to go ahead and buy the sport coat. He took the coat up to one of the register stations where he saw a clerk bent over and digging around for something under the counter.
He put the coat on the counter, and then about jumped out of his skin when he saw the person behind it stand up.
Greg was clearly just as surprised seeing Matt on the other side of the counter.
He recovered and said, “Hey, Matt!”
And before Matt realized what was coming out of his mouth, he said sarcastically, “Well, Greg, funny seeing you! I hope you and Brian have been having a good time with each other.”
Greg turned slightly pink, but smiled and said off-handed, “I know. It’s a little strange, but I’m really glad you’re so cool about it.”
Matt looked at Greg, not expecting quit
e that reaction. How could Greg be so boldfaced to admit it this way?
He said angrily, “Jesus, Greg, I can’t believe you’re this flagrant about it!”
Now it was Greg’s turn to look confused. He said, “What’s your problem, Matt? Why are you acting surprised by all this?”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Me and Brian. Brian said you knew we were, you know, messing around some. He said you guys had an open relationship and you were ok with it.”
“WHAT?!”
Chapter 26 – When You Come Crawling Back
The drizzly rain seemed to be slowly stopping. Matt didn’t really care, though. It matched his mood pretty well to have it. He had been sitting out on the front step of his apartment on East Broad Street, under the front portico, ever since he had gotten home from Macy’s. If it hadn’t been for the rain, he probably would have walked over to Chimborazo Park like he often did when he needed to think. Instead, he sat looking at the street and townhouses up and down East Broad, the damp road and sidewalk as miserable as he felt.
He spent the entire time thinking, crying a little, thinking some more, watching the rain, and thinking. But despite all that thinking, he didn’t feel like he had arrived at any strong conclusions. Shouldn’t he have, though? Why was it that everything regarding Brian always felt so disorienting? Nothing ever seemed clear cut with respect to Brian, even after bumping into Greg a few hours earlier.
For a little while, Matt was in denial. He had fled the department store pretty quickly, not bothering to grill Greg for details. For a brief period, he thought that maybe what Greg meant by “messing around” wasn’t what he thought it meant. But even Matt had to finally realize he was being ridiculous with that defense on behalf of Brian. Was that why he had fled so quickly? Just so he could cling to the tiniest thread of doubt that he could give Brian the benefit of?
So instead, he sat broken-hearted. In fact, Matt found that it felt as bad as being in the empty room, bound and dying of thirst. There, it had been fear and physical pain. Here, it felt like betrayal, by the one person he should be able to trust above all others. There was that word again. This time, the thought of faith and trust made him feel emptiness, as far down inside as it could go. At the moment, it was hard to say that one was much worse than the other – the betrayal or the empty room. At least in the empty room, he had believed there was someone that loved him and was true to him and wanted him home.
It hurt so much to realize the person he had devoted the last year to, the person that was the central figure in his life, was capable of this. He had tried so hard to not be pessimistic about Brian, and, as Bret put it, to see the good in everything. But now he just felt like a dupe. Had he been the only one to not realize it? The discouraging answer to that was… probably.
Bret and Jim had been right. He’d been a fool the whole time. God, it hurt to realize that. Then the dagger dug deeper and twisted harder. Even Petey had seen it. He was a slut. He had given his heart away and gotten nothing in return.
So what would he do about his promise? Where was the honor in tossing the commitment aside? Honor was sticking by the commitment, no matter the personal cost. Matt made the mistake of wondering what would Mope maybe do in this situation. What advice would he give Matt? But the instant he thought of Mope, the pain seared through him and he thought he would get physically ill. Oddly enough, what came to his mind wasn’t something that Mope had said. It was Petey. Petey had said that he was giving his heart away to someone that hadn’t earned it. Maybe honor and commitment could be misplaced if it hadn’t been earned.
He didn’t know what to do. Well, he did. But it didn’t make it any easier. He had spent a year practicing turning a blind eye to these signs, and continuing that would be so very easy.
Matt stayed outside and waited. Brian would arrive soon for their Friday night plans together. Actually, Matt had expected to get a call from Brian already, who he would have thought would have gotten a heads-up text or call from Greg. But Brian hadn’t called. So he waited, looking up at the gray sky blanketing a gray world.
~~~~~
Matt watched as Brian parked his car down the street a little, where he managed to find an available spot. He steeled his nerves for what was about to happen.
But as soon as he saw Brian walking up the sidewalk to his apartment, he started to lose all the nerve he had built up. What if he had driven Brian to all this? If he had maybe been better all along, maybe Brian wouldn’t have done this.
He cursed himself for falling into this trap already. But it was so easy to do.
Matt said, “We need to talk,” as Brian walked up the front steps to where he was.
Brian sat down next to Matt, his arm pressing against his boyfriend’s, which didn’t make things easier. He said, “Good. You finally going to let me know what the hell happened? This cat and mouse game with you is getting old and you know you’re going to tell me sooner or later.”
Matt felt like his mouth was full of sawdust, and the only way to speak was to swallow all of it. Why was it so hard to say such basic words? Why was he so afraid of putting the truth out there?
“You’ve been seeing Greg, Brian. I know.”
Without missing a beat, Brian rolled his eyes and leaned harder against Matt. “Greg? You’re joking, right? There’s a reason I broke up with him before I met you, you know?”
Matt thought, God, he can be so convincing. But what if he was right? What if Greg was just lying to stir shit up and get at them? The doubts crept in. Matt could turn and say he was sorry and make it up to Brian. He could earn Brian back, yet again. The thought of his world without Brian was frightening. He stared straight ahead at the wet street pavement in front of his apartment. Why was it so easy to look the other way?
Matt felt like it was inevitable to give in. Why was he fighting this? What would it be like to be without Brian?
Even as he thought this, a memory popped into his mind. Randall had taken him up to Vulture’s Row and remarked that he had had his doubts about Matt, but that he was glad to be wrong. He called Matt remarkably brave. And then the captain of the USS Iwo Jima had said that what he had done took a lot of courage, and that it wasn’t easy to earn the respect of the SEALs. And then one more memory showed up, a little painful but far more precious. More important than any other. He was standing on a deserted road outside of Latakia, covered in blood. Mope had put his hand on Matt’s heart. And he told Matt that he had more in him than he could possibly imagine.
Matt decided he didn’t have to cave in. He might not know what it would be like without Brian, but that wasn’t an excuse to be afraid of it.
“I ran into Greg today at Macy’s. He said he and you had been fooling around because you told him I said it was ok, that we had an open relationship.”
This time, it took Brian a moment to respond, and Matt could tell it was because he was caught off guard and had to formulate an answer that might work. He finally could tell what this was now. It had taken him a year to see it, but now he could see this technique of Brian’s as clear as day.
Brian forced a grin and said, “Oh, dear God, you’re not going to listen anything that liar Greg says, are you? Why do you think I broke up with him?”
Matt didn’t respond.
“The only time I’ve even seen him since we broke up was when I’ve been with you and we’ve just bumped into him. Christ, I can’t believe he’d pull shit like this. Wait… actually… I can.”
Matt sighed, pulled out his cellphone and showed Brian the picture of him and Greg all over each other. Matt felt empty, but brave enough to handle it, and it didn’t really matter what Brian said any more.
Brian looked up from the phone, flustered, and Matt looked directly in his eyes. He didn’t flinch this time. “I don’t want to see you anymore, Brian.”
Brian looked aghast. He looked at Matt like he didn’t know who was sitting there.
He finally said, furiously, “Well, so
what, Matt? What was I supposed to do? You’ve been picking fights with me for weeks now. None of this would have happened, we wouldn’t be right here tonight with this problem, if you hadn’t been so fucking weird for months now!”
Matt said calmly, “I don’t want to see you anymore, Brian.”
Brian began to rapidly turn red in the face. He tried again, “Matt, this is ridiculous. You’re lucky to have me and you’re going to throw that away? You and I know you’ll wind up with some loser just out to use you! Is that what you want?”
Matt realized how desperately Brian was grasping at straws now. Why was it so obvious only now?
“I don’t want to see you ever again, Brian,” said Matt.
Brian sat, his eyes darting over the person sitting next to him like he was a stranger, his breathing rapid and shallow.
He eventually stood up, “Fine. But when you come crawling back, I don’t know that I’m going to want you back.”
Brian waited to see if Matt would cave in, but Matt just stared at him, emotionless. He finally shook his head and waved his hand dismissively at Matt and walked off.
When Brian finally got in his car and drove off, Matt broke down and cried. Was this how a year's commitment wound up? Where was the honor in any of this? Everything in his life had twisted around so much since being in Latakia. Everything had been upended and scattered. Is this what borrowed time was going to be like?
Through his tears, he watched the haze gray sky above him and wondered what to do next.
Chapter 27 – Respect And Admiration
It didn’t take Matt long to figure out what to do next. In fact, the next day at the softball game, he realized one thing he could do. Bret and Jim had been all over him for most of the game peppering him with questions about his breakup with Brian, what he’d do next, who he’d like to go out with (as if he could simply pick absolutely anybody), and making sure he was ok. Their support meant a lot to him, even if it felt a little suffocating at times. But at one point, they left him alone long enough for his mind to wander and it hit him. Just like anytime he let his mind free, he started thinking about the SEALs, particularly Mope. He liked being able to think about Mope now without the guilt, even though he had dumped Brian less than a day earlier. It was in this brief time that his mind was free that the thought struck him.