Hunger (Some Say Love #1)

by Jane Smith

  Amanda shook her head, “It’s not as cold there as it is here. And, besides, he sort of owns you now. I think you need to keep seeing him.”

  Kelsey cringed, she hated the idea of feeling indebted to someone for a gift. He clearly said that it was a gift. But she nodded her head, “I’ll keep seeing him, I don’t know if I want to go every weekend. And I want to see Michael, too. Is that slutty? I don’t want to be slutty, but I do want to see Michael more. Charles is like a job. His friends are so… pretentious. And it’s kind of weird that he introduced them to me on our first date. They’re hard to relate to and they’re fun to be with, but it felt like work. I don’t feel like myself around them, I can’t decide if it feels like Keeping up with the Kardashians or The Big Bang Theory. You should hear them, Mandy.” She assumed a pinched facial expression and a nasal tone of voice and continued “After we left to the neurobiology conference in Brazil, we hopped on a flight to Iceland to visit the spa at Rejkjavik since the meeting with the investors in Japan was still 3 days away.”

  Amanda shook her head in wonder, saying, “I didn’t even know people like that were real. Where do these people come from?”

  Kelsey nodded. “I know, right, they’re investors and lawyers and technology geniuses. I want to look up the names of the places they visited and imagine what it’s like to travel like that. But I can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable living like royalty after what I’ve been through. He had a receipt on his kitchen counter for bed sheets that were- I shit you not- about $400. For a sheet, can you imagine that? One king-sized flat sheet for $400? After the pillow cases and fitted sheet, the entire purchase was over $1500. It just blows my mind. Last time I bought sheets at Goodwill, I paid a total of $12 for the flat and the fitted sheet together. And forget about matching pillowcases, who does that? I can’t picture myself adapting to that world very easily. Michael is much easier to be around. He’s not showy, he’s an excellent conversationalist, and, if I can see Michael every time I go out there to visit Charles, then I can have the best of both worlds.”

  Amanda laughed. “OK, technically, yes, I do think that is a little bit slutty, but honey, you have earned it, and if Charles wants to keep paying you, then I say go for it. I like your idea of just treating it like a job and it will be fine. I’d hate to see you in love with two men at the same time, though. I’ve read books where that happens and it never ends well.”

  Kelsey heeded her friend’s words of warning and started plotting a romance novel in her head about a time when it did work out. Maybe one of them died and she inherited a fortune. Maybe it ended in a consensual polygamous relationship. There had to be a way it worked out for everyone.

  Chapter 15

  Charles hiked a few steps ahead of Kelsey. He enjoyed being outdoors and loved the way his body felt when he was climbing the steep trails of Mt Dickerman. He didn’t mind that she couldn’t keep up with him, because hiking was his meditation. She’d tried to keep up with him in the beginning, but she preferred a more leisurely pace so she could listen to the birds and smell the flowers. When he wanted to share his thoughts, he’d slow down and walk at her speed. “I don’t understand why you aren’t interested in getting married? Aren’t you lonely?”

  Kelsey considered this. She enjoyed being separated and couldn’t imagine why she’d want to have a man in her home, with her kids, after everything she’d been through. She knew she’d have to answer quickly, Charles didn’t have much patience for delayed responses in spite of her insistence that she sometimes needed time to process. “I’m not really lonely, in general. Every now and then I get lonely, but overall, no. I enjoy being alone. After 15 years of marriage, I find that it’s peaceful and refreshing. Besides, I’m not alone. I have my kids.”

  “But your kids are kids, they can’t meet all of your needs. Don’t you want a partner in life?”

  Kelsey cringed. The idea of having a partner in life had gone out the window just a couple years into her marriage. It was a depressing distraction and giving it up enabled her to persevere through the married years when her husband was more of a child than a man. “I don’t think I’m ready for that,” she responded, staring intently at a cloud formation, trying to shake off the heebie-jeebies she got whenever she tried imagining herself willingly allowing herself to get into another relationship that involved her kids. That just wasn’t fair to them.

  He sped up, visibly annoyed that she wasn’t in agreement with him.

  Kelsey didn’t want to lead him on. They had spent every Sunday for the past two months together, and she couldn’t understand why he was so preoccupied with the idea of marriage.

  Her gratitude for his financial help was huge. She considered him one of her closest friends, since he’d supported her in a way that no one else had. With the weight of financial doom lifted, she felt rushed headlong into a new and uncomfortable security that she desperately wanted to preserve, but on her own terms.

  But he was looking for a wife, and she was looking to avoid being anyone’s wife. She looked around at the trees, the ferns, and the view of a lake down below. Married life was never as compelling as Charles made it out to be. She couldn’t imagine trading precious freedom for the day-to-day companionship of any man. She held her breath when she saw him slow down, wondering what he had to say next.

  “Being lonely is my worst personal nightmare and when you’re not around, it feels like my world is caving in on me. Do you mean to tell me that you’re just as happy when we’re alone as you are when we’re together?”

  Ouch. Kelsey could see that he was troubled by her lack of passion when it came to kicking their relationship up a notch. “It’s a different kind of happiness. I love being with you, you’re one of the smartest, most interesting people I know, and I love the time we spend together. I’m not avoiding more time with you. I’m avoiding a lifelong contracted relationship with anyone, since I’ve been separated for less than a year and I’m trying to enjoy my time alone and figure out who I am. It’s not a slam against our relationship, it’s a boost for my personal development. Once I’m feeling more like a real person, I’ll be able to make long-term relationship decisions. I have to heal first.”

  His fixation with the topic of marriage was starting to creeping her out. You’d think after three failed marriages he’d also want some time alone to process things and enjoy being his own person. How could he not understand the importance of self-discovery? He said that his second and third wives were just as narcissistic and abusive as Brian was, but since both marriages lasted less than two years, maybe he wasn’t as deeply affected by the lack of autonomy. Who knows? Either way, she couldn’t let him keep dancing around the topic and trying to bring her into a relationship she wasn’t ready for. “So, if you’re so into the idea of getting married, then maybe we should focus our efforts on finding you a wife. Maybe you should join a book club or a hiking club or something and find a woman who shares your interests.”

  He hiked even faster, obviously annoyed that she suggested a fucking book club, but over the past two months, he’d vented his personal stress often enough that she felt comfortable making the suggestion. In her mind, they had an epic friendship. He was helping her financially and she was life-coaching him through a difficult transition time. She wanted his dreams to come true, because he’d made her dreams come true.

  She continued, “I’d really hate to think that my not-being-ready-to-marry was the thing that held you back from the happiness that you deserve. Is marriage really the only thing that you need in life?”

  He stopped hiking and pulled her in for his version of a passionate kiss. He tasted like salt and sadness. Her heart was heavy, she could feel his suffering and vowed not to lead him on. As painful as it was to see him lonely, she decided she must never pretend that she could meet that need for him. If marriage was important to him, she would need to support him in his efforts to find a wife. “I need you,” he whispered breathlessly.

  Kelsey looked down at her hiking
shoes, afraid to look him in the eye. He was suffering. And it was her fault. “I’m sorry. Maybe we should go?”

  He wasn’t done analyzing her. “Have you met anyone else from that website? I noticed your profile was still up. Are you still looking? Are you not getting enough from this? Tell me what you need?” Charles blurted out all these questions fairly quickly. She didn’t want any relationships where she couldn’t be herself, but the topic of money was still uncomfortable for her to talk about.

  She answered the easy question first, hoping he’d be satisfied. “I didn’t think about the profile still being up, I’m sorry. I did have several coffee dates, but I had dinner with you and haven’t even logged in since that day.”

  Charles nodded his head. “Yes, I noticed the last login date hadn’t changed, I just wasn’t sure.”

  Kelsey squinted at the treetops, replaying his words in her mind. Was he really tracking her login dates? “Is that a hawk up there?” she asked, pointing at the branches.

  Charles looked at the bird “Yes, it’s a hawk. Are you getting enough money to take care of things on your end? I could send more.”

  Kelsey realized she wasn’t going to be allowed to avoid the topic. Discussing money with him was uncomfortable because he couldn’t relate to her struggles and she didn’t feel proper asking for more than her living expenses. In addition to the 10k he’d sent home with her after the first date, he’d handed her a stack of hundred dollar bills each time she saw him. He didn’t even count them, one was 3500, another was 4200, another was 5100. “You’ve given me way more than I need to take care of my expenses. I really don’t need more than this, but thank you so much for asking.” She wondered what kind of person she’d have to be, to negotiate for higher pay.

  He wasn’t convinced. “Yeah, it’s enough to take care of your current needs, but what are your dreams? If you had access to unlimited funds, what would you do?”

  Kelsey knew where this was leading. As Amanda frequently pointed out, he was obviously a ticket to unlimited financial resources. She feared he was trying to turn the conversation back toward the possibility of their marriage. What kind of woman would engage in this conversation and say, “Oh, unlimited funds? Well, in that case, let’s get married?”

  No… she wasn’t going to marry for money, especially to a man she cared deeply about who had already suffered through two gold-digging wives. Especially a boisterous morning person who chewed with his mouth open. Especially a man who drank more than 20 bottles of wine a week. Especially a man who couldn’t be bothered to deeply understand her mental and emotional state, and focused single-mindedly on trapping her into marriage without the slightest bit of concern for her healing and self-discovery. She could never marry Charles. She must never let him think it was a possibility.

  She also knew that he was waiting for an answer. “I don’t know. I’d want to do something that made the world a better place. Maybe working with children. Maybe the elderly. But definitely with people. I know some people are passionate about animals, some feel more strongly about the planet. But my thing would involve people. And I’m not sure exactly what it would be. I’d also write, I’ve started a few novels. It would be cool to finish those. For a while it didn’t seem like writing romance was important, but now I realize that everyone needs love, even if it’s fictional. I’ve really never much had time to think about it. But I think that part of my healing from divorce will involve some mental reshaping and repurposing. Yet another reason why I feel strongly about not looking for marriage right now. I think I need to be alone to figure out who I am.”

  Charles repeated her words, “Everyone needs love, even if it’s fictional.” and continued on his hike. Is that really the only thing he heard?

  Kelsey was floored. She was referring to reading about fictional love and not to the idea of participating in a marriage based on fake love. How could anyone have such a perfect habit of misinterpreting meanings? Is he hearing what he wants to hear or is he this difficult to communicate with?

  On one level, Kelsey was kicking herself for basically turning down the option of unlimited financial resources. After all the hell she’d been through during her marriage, the poverty was arguably more detrimental than the abuse. Her mind and body could recover from the abuse; as long as she did the internal mental work to recover, her future would be brighter each day. But the poverty killed her hopes and dreams for the future; with no retirement funds, bad credit, and no savings, she ended up here, pimping herself out to a possible psychopath in exchange for cash to pay the divorce attorney.

  The tug-of-war between a lifetime of financial security and a lifetime of not living with a lunatic was strong. A year ago, she would have chosen the lunatic because it felt familiar. Back then, she didn’t know how sweet it was to not live in fear.

  Couldn’t she suffer through a less-than-loving marriage in exchange for wealth? Couldn’t she make herself enjoy the decision to marry again so quickly? Was she being self-righteous by refusing to turn down this road?

  No. She was being fair to him. Why shouldn’t he have the chance to find someone who could really love him? He had some serious issues, with the drinking and the incurable loneliness. He needed to find a wife who could maintain her sanity and deal with him. So far, she’d seen enough of him to know that they’d never be able to maintain a loving and peaceful relationship of equals. Everyone deserves that. There was a reason he had three failed marriages. He’d twisted her words around, failed to respect her mental reality, refused to honor her personal decisions, and had a veritable tantrum when he realized that he couldn’t force her to marry him. There’s no way she’d have the inner strength to suffer through a long-term relationship with him. Without the possibility of permanence, which is what he desperately wanted, she couldn’t possibly entertain the idea of marrying him, just to ensure that her financial security was stable.

  Nobody in their right mind would say no to the possibility of unlimited financial resources, but Kelsey’d heard her voice saying just that and she hoped he’d respect her for it. If he decided to bail on her, she still already had so much more than she’d bargained for. She’d lost nothing by enjoying his friendship, and her bills were caught up. That was more than she could have hoped for a few months prior.

  Kelsey was determined to help him find happiness, if only he would accept her counsel and start working on himself in order to find a wife. She hoped that her guidance would help him find happiness, as soon as he admitted to himself that she’d never marry him.

  She was afraid that her friendship with him would be difficult to manage if he believed that they had a future. She didn’t want him disillusioned. She wanted him to be able to relax and fall in love. With someone else.

  She wasn’t sure how this would end but she knew she couldn’t just walk away from this man. He’d rescued her from the depths of poverty in a way that she’d never have been able to do on her own. He needed a love coach and she wanted to rescue him, too.

  Chapter 16

  Kelsey sat across from the therapist, determined not to discuss how she’d spent her weekends. This was divorce counseling and her purpose was to hurry up and recover from the horrible events at the end of her marriage and grow stronger to build a brighter future.

  “If Brian had ever supported us financially, it would have been a different story. I would have been happy to be the stay-home wife and mother if I knew that we'd always have food on the table, but his answer to that was to have his friend give me a ride to the welfare office. I would have been happy to work outside the home and support our family if I knew he'd be home taking care of the kids, but in the end, he wouldn’t let me work outside the house, and his answer to caring for the kids while I worked was to stay home and get high with his skeevy friends around constantly.”

  Kelsey shifted in her seat. Therapy was exhausting. She hated talking about her marriage, she just wanted to forget it ever happened, but she also wanted to cure herself of whatever flaw it w
as that allowed her to let it get so bad. She had escaped to safety with her kids and he was finally out of their lives. She wished she could just erase his influence, rather than having to talk it through in order to find peace. But this was apparently the recipe for recovery, so she tried to remember everything and tell the entire story so she could release it all.

  “Never mind the fact that every time I left the house, I came home to crying children who were in trouble for something trivial. I didn't know whether to reprimand them in solidarity for whatever he imagined they had done wrong or to comfort them because I knew they were being treated unfairly.”

  Kelsey was used to skipping the details, so she didn’t notice that she’d left anything out until the therapist asked, “What do you mean by ‘in trouble?’”

  Kelsey took a deep breath and filled in the blanks. “He yelled a lot and got angry a lot. Every time I came home, I learned that he’d yelled at the girls. They never understood what he was upset about, but he would yell and say awful things like ‘what is wrong with you’ and ‘how could you be so fucking stupid?’ And they’re not generally naughty children, he just has a really low threshold for anything that bothers him, and since they were little, they couldn’t read his mind, so they never knew wha wa’s going to set him off.”