Yours to Savor

by Scarlett Edwards

  He shrugged. “We’re both leaving Ocean Shores soon. I thought it could be a token of our friendship. Besides, it would look good on you.”

  “Thank you.” She wrapped her arms around him in a hug. He put his arm around her, too, and for a second, Sandra imagined he was Brandon. Then, when she realized he was not, she felt herself tearing up. She couldn’t help it.

  Josh noticed. “Hey, hey there,” he said softly. “Are you okay?”

  “No,” Sandra admitted quietly. “No, not really. I need to know what happened yesterday morning. What I interrupted in the alley.”

  Josh exhaled, stood up. “That was the man you’re dating, right?”

  “The man I was dating.”

  “I thought I recognized him. Do you know what he does for a living?”

  “Of course. He does real estate development. I met his business partner.”

  Josh gave her a sad smile, and shook his head. “Sandra, that’s not true at all.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He’s not a real estate developer. He’s a drug dealer.”

  Sandra felt as if she had been kicked in the stomach. “What?”

  Josh nodded. “Yeah. That’s how the problem started yesterday.”

  Sandra didn’t want to believe Josh. She didn’t want to know that Brandon had lied to her about so many things. But something in the back of her mind told her what Josh said made sense. All of Brandon’s money, all his free time, his expensive car and yacht and clothes…

  How could I have been so blind? Brandon had always been vague about what he did. What other type of job demanded such secrecy? What other occupation could have given him so much at his age? He led me on without once admitting the truth for a month.

  Sandra hated drugs with a passion after what they had done to her sister. They’d cost Chloe her life. And now, to know that Brandon was directly involved with them? It was too much to handle. Brandon had told her too many lies and not enough truths. She was exhausted from little sleep last night. Reliving the nightmares again had her emotions wound tight.

  Worst of all, she was still in love with Brandon. Love wasn’t like a faucet. You couldn’t just turn it off with a flick of the wrist. Even knowing what Brandon did, even knowing how much he’d lied to her, Sandra couldn’t help still being in love with him.

  Well, she would have to learn to suppress the feeling until it went away. She had lots of experience doing that.

  “So then, are you involved with him?” Sandra asked.

  “God, no!” Josh quickly answered. “I’d never do anything like that.”

  “So what was going on yesterday?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “Tell me.”

  Josh sighed. “Last weekend,” he began, pushing off the bed to stand and talk, “some of my friends—I mean, they’re not even my friends, more like acquaintances from school—decided to organize a big party for the end of the year. We’re all graduating soon, right? They wanted to have one last hurrah for everybody at school.”

  Sandra waited for him to continue. “Anyway, these guys, they don’t go to class much. They’d rather spend their time smoking dope. I don’t usually hang out with them, like I said, but last weekend we just sort of ran into each other at the mall. And they told me about the party they were planning, and I thought it was a great idea. I told them that. So we hung out a bit that day. They said they were meeting some guy to get supplies for the party, and asked me if I wanted to come. I didn’t have anything else to do, so I agreed. I thought they meant alcohol or something, but…”

  “But what?”

  “It wasn’t alcohol they were after. They said they were looking for high roller goods so that everyone could really have a blast at the party.”

  “Like what?”

  “Cocaine, I think. Anyway, it turned out they called their dealer earlier in the day to see if he could hook them up, and he said they had to meet someone else. That’s where we went. When we got there, it turned out the guy their dealer sent them to was your friend.”

  “Brandon,” Sandra breathed.

  “Yeah. I was with them, so I had to tag along, although I was starting to wish I hadn’t. Brandon—” the way Josh said his name made it clear to Sandra he didn’t like him, “—met them and sold them the drugs. He charged a lot, but assured them they were getting the highest-grade stuff. He said they were paying for quality. Anyway, these guys brought enough cash to afford it. They finished the transaction without a hitch. I stayed near the back the whole time, though, trying not to participate.

  “Then yesterday morning, I was walking to work, minding my own business, when I heard somebody call after me. I looked over, and saw Brandon coming toward me, looking angry as hell. He remembered that I was there when he made the deal with my classmates. He was mad because he said they skimped on the money.

  “Before I knew it, I was being dragged into the back alley. He ambushed me! I wasn’t even involved in the transaction. He pushed me up against the wall, and threatened me with a knife if I didn’t pay up.”

  “A knife?”

  “Yeah. He had it on him.” Josh made a motion with one hand to his waist. “On his belt.”

  “I never saw that.”

  Josh blinked, a disconcerted look flashing across his face. “He must have kept it hidden from you, somehow,” he stumbled. “But anyway, Brandon said that if I didn’t pay by the end of the day, he would hurt me.”

  “He threatened you?”

  “Yeah. But it’s okay now, I think. I told the guys I was with, and they talked to him and sorted things out.” Josh exhaled. “I don’t think I have anything to worry about.”

  “Wow,” Sandra breathed. “This is a lot to take in.”

  “I’m really sorry I had to be the one to tell you. But you needed to know the type of man you were involved with.”

  Sandra nodded. “You’re right. He is the type I was involved with. But not anymore.”

  Sandra thought she saw a glimmer of delight in Josh’s eye, but it was replaced almost instantly by sympathy. He sighed. “I know you two had a good thing going for a while. It sucks that you had to learn the truth like this. Maybe I shouldn’t have come and told you—”

  “No,” she interrupted, standing up to look him in the eye. “You definitely should have. Thank you.”

  “Sure.” Josh stuck his hands in his pockets, looked down at his feet. “Can you promise me one thing, though?”

  “What?”

  “That you won’t tell Brandon I said anything? It all got sorted out. But, I’m scared that if he finds out I talked to you, he won’t be happy with me.”

  “I swear, I won’t say a word.”

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Sandra could find no reprieve from the night terrors.

  After experiencing a blissful four-week existence without them, they hit her harder than ever before. Those four weeks no longer seemed real. They were a phantom memory of someone else’s life. She could not sleep. She could barely eat. In addition, each time she closed her eyes, she was reminded both of her guilt for Chloe, and of the betrayal she suffered at Brandon’s hand.

  If only she hadn’t been so blind. Had she really been so naïve as to think she could find happiness that easily?

  She closed herself off, avoiding everyone and everything. She didn’t stop by Cassie’s Blend anymore. She turned off her phone and flung it under the bed. When Cassie came to her apartment and banged on the door, Sandra threw the covers over her head and pretended not to be home.

  The darkness she had lived with in the years following her sister’s death called to her like an old friend. It tempted her with the promise of that seductive realm devoid of emotion, of the one place in the world with nothing left to feel. With nothing left to hurt her anymore.

  She opened herself to it. She fed her soul into it, seeking that emptiness, yearning for the inability to feel. She walled off her emotions and buried them deep, determined to never let lo
ve slip out again.

  She dragged herself to work like a zombie. Her mind was numb and empty, but that was what she wanted. She didn’t touch the clothes Brandon had bought her, and returned to wearing her dreary rags. They weren’t pretty, but they were hers, and untainted by Brandon’s drug money.

  When she collapsed on her bed each night and lay there, staring at the ceiling, she knew that sleep wouldn’t come. At odd times, it sneaked up unbidden. The brief bouts were filled with all types of new nightmares. She saw her sister burning in the fire, her accusing eyes drilling deep into Sandra’s head. She saw Brandon’s mocking smile as he leaned down to kiss her, except when his mouth opened it was full of smoke and ash that suffocated her. She saw Clarisse, laughing in that primp French accent as Brandon’s head bobbed between her legs.

  Sandra was miserable. The man she thought she knew, the man she knew she loved, had lied to her. She’d trusted him, and he’d repaid that trust by deceiving her completely.

  Of course he did, a small voice mocked her. What else did you expect?

  Days went by and blurred together. Sandra let the emptiness consume her. When she spoke to people, she didn’t know what she said. When she came home after work, she couldn’t remember a single thing she’d done. Of one thing, Sandra was certain: She would never let love into her life again.

  Brandon had to see Sandra.

  He was going crazy without her. He didn’t know what to do with himself. Now that he’d turned over the business to Clarisse, there was nothing to do. His mind was singularly focused on the woman he loved.

  He’d been unable to reach Sandra for a week. Her had phone stopped ringing a few days ago. Either she’d blocked his number or she’d walled herself off from the world again.

  Brandon had to fix things. Something told him if he didn’t, he would regret it for the rest of his life. Goddammit, this wasn’t supposed to be the way things happened!

  The old Brandon would have long ago turned the page on this chapter. The old Brandon would have moved on, went out, gotten laid. Even his libido had died without her near—and it had raged like a wildfire his entire life. However, the new Brandon didn’t want any of those things. He didn’t want anyone else. He only wanted Sandra.

  His connection to her, even from the first moment he saw her, had always been more than physical lust. They’d shared a common past, even if they weren’t both aware of it until recently. Brandon had always regretted Chloe’s death. If he had a chance to bring happiness to her sister… well, maybe it was fate’s twisted way of restoring a little bit of balance to the world.

  It was outrageous how a few weeks could change a man. No woman before Sandra had ever had such a strong effect on him. Somehow, she’d reached past all his barricades and taken hold. If love makes me vulnerable to her, so be it. Brandon would rather hang on to the faint hope of fixing things between them than having never known Sandra at all.

  He would fight for Sandra. No matter how long it took, he would win. He had to talk to her. He had to have the chance. He would tell her everything—everything—that she wanted to know. All of it would come out in the open. He would hold no secrets from her, ever. He would tell her everything about her sister. He would even tell her he was the one to sell drugs to her that night.

  If it took his whole life to make Sandra forgive him, Brandon was ready to spend the rest of it doing just that.

  Brandon waited until the end of the workday to drive to Sandra’s office. He wanted to catch her unoccupied. He didn’t want anybody around to hear what he had to say.

  When he walked down the street to her office, his shirt felt tight across his chest. His palms were clammy. His heart beat erratically. He was nervous, he realized. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been nervous.

  There would be no subtlety in what he had to do. He would tell Sandra everything, straight out. She would know more about him than anybody else alive.

  He took a deep breath to steady his nerves before opening the door. Sandra had her head bent over the desk, and a white haired man with a walker was waiting on her with a file clutched in hand. To his relief, the rest of the office was empty. The man was likely the last patient of the day.

  Sandra glanced up when she heard the door chime. When she saw him, darkness clouded her face. She jerked her attention back to the elderly man, ignoring Brandon completely while she dealt with him.

  Brandon waited, not knowing whether to sit or stand. His heart was racing, his stomach doing flips. The suit he wore was felt tight, the air in the lobby too stuffy, the furniture too close. He was accustomed to feeling in control, to being the one in charge. All that abandoned him as he waited to speak to the woman he loved.

  Finally, the older man turned from the counter, and hobbled with agonizing torpidity toward the door. He didn’t seem to notice as Brandon held the door open for him. It wasn’t something Brandon would have usually done, but he itched for time alone with Sandra.

  When the door closed, Brandon turned the lock. He did not want any interruptions.

  He found Sandra standing with her back to him, her hands moving over the binders of medical records on the back shelf.

  “Sandra—”

  “I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “Please. Let me explain.”

  “No. You shouldn’t be here.”

  “Sandra, it’s been a week since I’ve seen you. You haven’t answered my calls. You haven’t responded to my texts. How else am I supposed to know that you’re all right?”

  “Oh, is that why you came?” She whirled around. Her eyes struck at him like sharp augers. “You think I need a man to look after me? That I’m some helpless, pathetic flop of a woman who can’t take care of herself?”

  “No, I didn’t say that—”

  “I don’t need your sympathies, Brandon, any more than I need your lies. That’s all you ever gave me, wasn’t it? A tidy bundle of lies, all tied up in a pretty bow in some scheme to win me over!”

  “Sandra, that’s not true—”

  “You’re a drug dealer. Do you deny that?”

  Brandon cringed. Josh must have told her. “I promised I wouldn’t lie.”

  “That’s what you are, isn’t it?” The hurt was clear in her voice. “That’s how you make your money. You lied to me. All that shit about real estate development? That was clever.”

  “No. I didn’t lie about that.” Brandon paused, took a deep breath. “Real estate is something I’ve been working on for the last two years.”

  “Oh, so you just forgot to mention that you also dealt drugs on the side?”

  “No. I told you the truth. Real estate is part of what I do.”

  “That’s a twisted way of looking at things, Brandon. If that’s how you define your honesty, I pity you. For me, for regular people, that’s called deception.”

  “I didn’t tell you about the drugs,” Brandon grated, “because I didn’t want to scare you away. I didn’t want you to get the wrong impression. I’m not like the guys you see in the movies. I run a clean operation—or rather, ran. I’ll be completely out of it soon.”

  “Oh, that’s precious.” Sandra rolled her eyes. “Really, Brandon? What perfect timing.”

  “It was,” he stressed. “Look, I don’t know what happened. I don’t know how we stumbled into each other. From the first moment I saw you, I knew I had to know you. Would I be here if I didn’t care about you? Would I have come?”

  “You can go now,” Sandra said abruptly.

  “No, dammit. Let me finish! I didn’t tell you everything about my past because I wanted more time to know how you would react. I wanted to know the best way to break it to you.”

  “So you avoided it with half-truths and trickery?” Sandra asked. “What about your family, Brandon? Was that whole story about your mother and father, your unbelievable seven siblings, also a lie?”

  “No. My mother disowned me when she found out I was dealing drugs. I was fifteen. It was a month after my father had
died. I told you I yelled at her. I did. But I also wanted to help. I knew our family needed money. Even with the federal benefit for a line-of-duty death, even with my mother working day and night, I knew we couldn’t get by. I started dealing, because it was the only thing I could think of that would give our family a chance to survive. It was the only thing I had access to.”

  “So you became a criminal because your family needed the money?” Sandra mocked. “That’s creative—even for you! Your dad would have been so proud.”

  Brandon closed his eyes. “Look, I had no choice. I had to look after my brothers and sisters, and my mom.”

  “That kind of backfired on you, didn’t it?” Sandra noted sarcastically.

  “Yes. God knows, yes. My mother kicked me out of the house. She told me never to speak to her again unless I was clean. You know the rest. I went to live with my grandparents.”

  “Did they know you were dealing drugs?”

  “They suspected it, but took me in anyway. I went to high school, kept dealing drugs on the side. I never spent the money I earned. I saved all of it to give to my family.”

  “While ruining lives in the process!”

  “Dammit, that’s not my fault!” Brandon roared. Sandra shrunk back, and right away he regretted the outburst. He had to keep a rein on his temper if he was to have any chance of winning Sandra back. “Look, I came here to come clean. To tell you everything you want to know. But, you have to understand that anything I kept from you, I did it so I wouldn’t hurt you.”

  He saw her draw back again. It was just a miniscule flinch this time, but Brandon noticed. “If that’s what you think,” Sandra said, her voice low and soft, “then you failed miserably at it. You can go now, Brandon.”

  “No. Not until I tell you what I came to say. Then, if you still want me to leave, I’ll go.”

  She looked him up and down. Brandon thought her eyes became more remote. But, finally, she whispered, “Fine.”

  It was his chance. “All my life,” he started, “I’ve regretted only one thing most of all. One thing, because it’s the only thing I know I can never fix. It’s not what happened with my family. I can change that in the future. I can go back to them, work on fixing my relationship. It might take time, but it will happen. I’m sure of it. There was one thing I did that I can never take back.”