Perfect Regret ( BOOK 2)

by Walters, A. Meredith

  Here was a guy who had the world at his feet. He clearly had a lot going for him once upon a time. But he allowed himself to be derailed. To lose his focus. He was still drifting at sea without a clue. It was frustrating to see his potential wasted in the way it was. I would never fall prey to my grief in a way that would make me lose sight of me. I owed it to my dad. I owed it to myself.

  Garrett’s eyes flickered with anger. “Yeah, maybe it is. But it’s my life, Riley. And they’re my choices. And I’ll never be sorry for it,” he said defensively. I knew he was giving me a very strong warning.

  I just wasn’t in the mood to hear it.

  “I think that’s a coward’s excuse, Garrett. Don’t you want more for yourself than playing in a second rate band hoping you’ll ‘make it?’” I asked using air quotes just to be obnoxious. Garrett’s jaw tensed and I recognized the telltale signs of his rage.

  “I don’t expect you to understand. And because you just lost your dad I won’t tell you what I really think of you and your ‘life plan.’” Damn it, he used air quotes back at me. “I’m sure it involves graduating from college, marrying a douche like that Damien guy, having a mid-level career, popping out your two point five kids, and convincing yourself you feel fulfilled.” He was getting himself worked up and I was feeling a whole lot of anger.

  How it easy it was to focus on this, being self-righteous and holier than thou, than to think about the way my life had just upended on itself. Anger was better than depression any day of the week.

  “You don’t know anything about my life or what I want from it! What do you know about goals and having a purpose? Huh? Am I supposed to sit here and take advice from a guy who doesn’t want anything more for himself than to screw a new girl every week and hoping he never runs out of pot? Really? Give me a break!”

  Wow, I was on a roll and being completely unfair. Garrett’s face shattered a bit and then smoothed out.

  “It’s a good thing my heart can bend,” he muttered under his breath.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him shortly, though I knew exactly what it meant.

  He shook his head and got to his feet. “I don’t want to upset you when you’ve just experienced a major loss. Apparently all we’re capable of is pissing each other off. I’m sorry for that. I didn’t mean to make you mad. I really didn’t. I just wanted you to know that I understand where you are right now. I really do. And if you need anything, you know where to find me.”

  He picked up my keys and juggled them in his hand, seeming torn. I couldn’t believe, after what we had shared together and how decent he had been to me, I was taking out all of my anger and hostility on him. I wish I could take back what I said. I wish I could undo the hurt I knew I had inflicted.

  But it was too late. And I felt whatever closeness we had established during the last twenty-four hours drifted away as though it had never been.

  “I’ll leave your car at the apartment. Take care, Riley,” he had said before leaving me alone, and full of guilt.

  After he was gone I was left with little time to obsess over Garrett and the state of our non-existent relationship.

  The crazy whirlwind of planning the funeral and seeing to every detail was both a blessing and a curse. It helped me to focus on something. To keep my brain active. But it also left little room for my own grieving. And a part of me knew that suppressing it wasn’t good.

  And that when it hit it would hit hard.

  I had stayed with Mom until she practically kicked me out, telling me I had to get back to school. When I had protested and said she still needed me, she had played the biggest punk card of all.

  “Your dad sacrificed a lot so you kids could have a college education. Don’t you dare step all over his memory like that. Now get your butt back to school and make him proud. Make us both proud,” she scolded me while she held back tears. I knew how hard it was for her to let me go. I hated to think of what the house would be like for her now that she would be living in it alone. But Gavin had practically moved back in since Dad’s passing. I wasn’t sure how I felt about this. My brother seemed to be making my father’s death all about him, but for now, my mother seemed to enjoy his presence, so I didn’t say anything about it.

  I went back to Rinard College, hoping to fall back into my routine. Too bad I felt like some asshole playacting through their life.

  But throwing myself back into school and my internship felt like what I should be doing. I put on the impenetrable “Riley is fine” mask. I had always been focused and motivated. Now I was like Riley Walker Super Student on meth. I filled my days with homework and extra hours at work. I did whatever I had to do to feel like my life had purpose again, just as my dad wanted me to.

  And that purpose left very little room for any sort of relationship drama. I didn’t have the time or the inclination to worry about whether my avoiding Garrett was hurting his feelings. Maybe it was insensitive and callous of me after the way he had supported me, but I just couldn’t summon the energy to care.

  I knew Garrett was most likely hurt and confused. Part of me knew that he was waiting for me to recognize that the moments we had shared in Maryland hadn’t been a fluke of hormones and grief. That it had been the beginnings of something real.

  But the truth was I was terrified of “real.” I wasn’t sure what we had together could be something permanent and if I couldn’t count on it I didn’t want to waste my time. And even though I had seen the layers that were just below the surface of Garrett, I knew that he was still a guy without a plan and I desperately needed something concrete. Something I could depend on.

  And I was convinced that Garrett Bellows wasn’t that guy.

  Plus, it wasn’t as though we had left things in a very good place. I had unloaded a serious verbal beating on him when all he had been trying to do was help me during a difficult time. I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t call me. Even if I was a little bit disappointed.

  I figured he was leaving the ball firmly in my court. Though if he was waiting for me to make a move and admit he was what I wanted, he’d be waiting a long time.

  Crazy cat lady spinsterhood, here I come.

  “Someone’s hoping to make employee of the month,” an overly perky voice said from behind me. I continued to wipe down my meticulously clean tables, ignoring the sudden invasion of slut in my section of the restaurant.

  Jaz pulled out a chair and plopped her big ass right on down as though I had invited her. Which I sure as hell didn’t. She propped her feet up on the table and she watched me with a fake sympathetic smile on her lips that had I was dangerously close to knocking off.

  I had low bullshit tolerance on a good day. So Jaz my-tits-are-too-small-so-I-overcompensate-by-being-a-complete-whore was in a perfect position to piss me off. It didn’t take much for her to irritate me and tonight was no exception.

  Generation Rejects had been playing for the last hour and I was staunchly avoiding the guitarist who had tried to get my attention for most of the night. It was hard, particularly when said guitarist was looking entirely too yummy for his own good and the image of the two of us naked, together, was burned on my brain like an itchy sunburn.

  I lifted Jaz’s feet off the table and dropped them on the floor. “Go bug someone else, Jaz. Cause I’m not playing,” I grumbled, giving my table one last swipe with the cloth and turned to go clock out.

  “Wow, who pissed in your cornflakes? I was just making the observation that you seemed to be really into your work lately. I think it’s great you have your work to get you through such a difficult time. We all know you don’t handle your emotions well. I mean look what happened after Damien dumped you,” she said, dropping her voice in a feigned show of concern.

  That was it, I was so done. I turned around, ready to unleash my inner Ghangis Khan on her face when we were inte
rrupted by an unwelcome source.

  “Back off, Jaz,” Damien said, getting between us. Jaz’s bitch knob, which had been firmly on eleven, dialed back a notch. She turned faintly pink as she gave Damien a bright smile.

  “Don’t be ridiculous, Damien. I’m not doing anything to Riley. Don’t make me the bad guy here just because you’ve decided you want back into her granny panties,” Jaz sneered. I grit my teeth together so hard I could have sworn I cracked a tooth or two.

  “Seriously, just go,” Damien’s voice was clipped and hard and I was totally shocked. Damien didn’t play the confrontational card very often. Jaz looked hurt by his defense of me and walked off in a huff.

  He turned back and gave me a wane smile, his black hair falling into his face.

  “Thanks for running interference, D. That would have only ended in a gore fest,” I said and Damien’s smile grew at my unintentional use of the nickname I had given him a lifetime ago.

  “Moore would have been pretty pissed if you had bloodied up his brand new carpet. So it’s a good thing I was here,” Damien teased and I found myself smiling back.

  Damien reached out to squeeze my arm and before I could pull away there was a commotion from the stage where Generation Rejects had suddenly stopped playing.

  “Take your hand off her before I fucking make you,” an angry voice grumbled over the sound system. I looked up in shock to see that Garrett had taken the microphone from Cole and was glaring in my direction.

  Well not at me but at Damien who stood there with his mouth hanging open like an idiot.

  “Is he talking to me?” Damien asked, his eyes wide with what I could only decipher as burgeoning panic. Garrett had dropped the mic on the stage, pulled his guitar from around his neck, handing it to a flabbergasted Mitch and stormed through a crowd that parted like the Red Sea.

  Was this really happening?

  Jordan had gotten to his feet and was right behind his friend, trying to stop him. But Garrett wasn’t having it. He was a man on a mission. And clearly his mission was to kick some Damien ass.

  Garrett didn’t even stop before he barreled into Damien who went down with an undignified “umph.” Damien sat on his butt, looking up at the scary rocker who towered over him and he seemed to be trying to disappear into the floor.

  “Don’t. Touch. Her. Ever. Again,” Garrett growled through gritted teeth. Jordan grabbed his arm and tried to pull him back.

  “What the fuck, man. We’re in the middle of a show!” Jordan looked at me as if I could solve this crazy Garrett Bellows puzzle. My eyes were like saucers and I knew I was just staring at the crazy alpha male that had erupted out of Garrett like the Incredible Hulk.

  “I was just talking to her. What business is it of yours anyway? She’s my girlfriend,” Damien said, trying to win back some of the pride that had already gotten up and run away.

  Wait…what?

  Did Damien just refer to me as his girlfriend?

  Oh hell no!

  But before I could correct my seriously deluded ex, Garrett’s face turned a molten red. He hauled Damien up by the front of his shirt and then without further ado, decked him, square in the jaw, sending him back to the floor on his ass. Poor Damien’s backside was sure getting a work out.

  And all I could do was stand there, staring like an idiot with my mouth hanging open. No way was this my life. I avoided drama like the plague but it seemed since hooking up with Garrett, it followed me everywhere.

  “Garrett, stop it!” Jordan yelled and I could see Moore coming out of the kitchen looking mad. Garrett turned his mega watt anger on me.

  “Were you going to tell me you were back with this jackass? Or did you just conveniently forget while I was fucking you?” Garrett asked and everyone around us gasped. Well I guess the cat was out of the bag now.

  I felt my face flush and my heart begin to pound furiously in my ears. I understood now what it meant to see red. Because that’s all I saw.

  Deep, murderous, I’m-gonna-rip-his-dick-off red.

  “Shut the hell up, man. You have shit to say to Riley, do it somewhere private. This is not the time or place to be hashing out your issues,” Jordan reasoned, trying to cut this off at the pass. Maysie suddenly materialized beside me and had grabbed me by the hand, trying to steer me away from the scene that was about to go down.

  Because she knew the look on my face. And it meant I was about to get mean.

  I stepped up into Garrett’s personal space and looked him dead in the eye. He was angry but I could also see he was just plain hurt. Well I was also hurting right now. I hadn’t expected for my private life to become front-page news because of his jealous ego. This on top of my minimal emotional functioning and I was ready to pop.

  “He is not my boyfriend. But I guess it took too much thought to actually ask me before you made a complete fool of yourself.” Garrett didn’t seem in the least bit embarrassed. He simply looked back at me as if daring me to refute his announcement. Waiting for me to deny we had been together.

  “And I obviously wasn’t thinking about much when you fucked me because otherwise I would have stayed the hell away from an asshole like you!” I said with a steady calm that surprised even me.

  Garrett flinched, a slight movement that only I noticed. My words hit home, just as I had meant for them to. I turned on my heel and started to stalk off. We had created quite the spectacle. Everyone in the bar was watching us with avid interest and I was completely mortified.

  “Riley!” Garrett called out but I just kept walking, pushing and shoving my way to the back of the restaurant.

  “Okay, guys, I think it’s time to wrap up your set,” Moore said, trying to get some control over the situation. I didn’t even check to see that Damien was okay. Fuck Damien and his stupid hands and even dumber mouth.

  “Riley, god damn it, stop!” Garrett yelled at the top of his lungs. Seriously fuck all of these guys!

  Garrett grabbed a hold of my arm and pulled me to him. He was sweaty and still flushed from his serious case of roid rage. “Look, I’m sorry all right. That was out of line. But fucking hell, Harry Potter over there needs to keep his hands to himself. He has no right touching you,” he said furiously.

  I laughed. A bitter and humorless sound.

  “And you do?” I asked incredulously.

  Garrett leaned in close as though he were going to kiss me and damn it, I found myself leaning into him and my eyes started to close. “You’re damn right I do. If anyone is going to touch this body, it’s going to be me and no one else,” he swore pushing his hair back off of his face.

  His eyes raked over me and I couldn’t help but tingle under his scrutiny. I narrowed my eyes to cover up the fact that having him in such close proximity was doing a number on my lady parts.

  “I’m trying to be understanding. I’m trying to be patient. But Riley, I can’t sit back and forget about everything that happened between us. I know you’re hurting and angry and going through those stages of grief but I’m here, damn it,” Garrett said softly, thankfully dropping his voice to a volume that only I could hear. Because our audience was still entirely too fixated on what was happening between us.

  “I never asked you to be patient. Look, I’m sorry if you thought that just because we slept together a few times that meant we were together or something. But I’m busy. I’ve got school. And you’ve got your…” I looked around, my lip curling. “Well you have this, don’t you?” I asked with more than a bit of condescension.

  Yes folks, I was being a bitch. And yes it was messed up. And maybe I was being a world-class idiot. But all I could see when I looked at Garrett right then was a guy who didn’t fit. I wasn’t blind to everything else that he was. But this man had the power to hurt me. He could crush my heart. And I was sure my heart wouldn’t bend, it would snap in two
.

  I was a girl hanging on by a thread. A girl whose only lifeline was the goals she had set for herself.

  I was already hurting. I was already a short jump away from falling off the edge. And Garrett Bellows stood there with his heart in his eyes, asking me to skip over it with him.

  I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t.

  I needed safe. I needed something I could depend on. And a relationship between Garrett and I would be entirely too messy.

  Riley Walker didn’t do messy.

  Garrett’s head snapped back as though I had slapped him and the warmth in his eyes cooled. “Wow, you sure know how to cut a guy at the knees,” he said sharply.

  I said nothing.

  Garrett watched my face, as if looking for that girl who had fallen asleep in his arms. The girl who had given him her body as though he were the only guy in the world. And certainly the only one that mattered.

  Well that girl had been locked away and I wasn’t planning to let her out again anytime soon.

  “I had planned on fighting for this, Riley. Because I thought it was something we both wanted. I know you’re feeling lost. You’re hurting. I wanted to be that guy to help hold you together. I thought, maybe we could start healing each other.” There was a catch in Garrett’s voice and he had to look away.

  I swallowed around the lump in my throat and felt my resolve waver. “Garrett…” I began, not knowing exactly what I was going to say.

  Garrett turned back at me and smiled. A smile that was lackadaisical and said I-couldn’t-give-a-shit. Clearly, he knew how he was going to play this. After all, our roles had been defined early on. We had simply gotten lost in the temporary insanity brought on by lust and vulnerability.

  “My bad,” Garrett stated, walking past me and back toward the stage.