Proof

by Craze, Chelle C.

  “Right. It would be nice,” I told her, wiggling my butt into a pair of blue jeans and not being able to pull the sides together and snap them, so I threw them over the stall to her.

  She tossed a pink lace top over the stall at me. “Here, I don’t have the body for this. You do.”

  Mar was the best kind of friend for a girl to have. Although she was a knockout, she didn’t ever let that go to her head. She liked to push the limits, but was full of compliments. She didn’t make you feel less important or pretty. She actually boosted my confidence every chance she got, and I tried to do the same, when I remembered, but I was new to all this having an actual girl friend thing.

  “Those pants will look great on you,” I announced as she pulled them over the wall and into her stall. A few seconds passed, and then she agreed with a squeal. This prompted me to try on the pink top she’d suggested, and although pink normally wasn’t my color, I loved how it looked on me. I hung it on the “buy” side of my dressing room and tried on the next item.

  In just a few short days, we’d start school, and I wanted nothing more than to convince myself it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t care for all the bells and whistles, so to speak. In fact, the smaller of a reaction to a situation, the better. It was easier to remain impartial, if there was nothing to become partial over.

  After we hit a few more shops and I’d spent every cent Mom gave me, we swung by the car to drop off our bags and then made our way to the food court. Since I’d spent my money, I wasn’t going to eat, but Mar insisted. Her dad had not only bought her a car, he’d given her a credit card. We both knew not to ask where the money that would be footing the bill came from because he was known to do some illegal things here and there. Honestly, though, to hear her talk about him, he was just a father and she was his little girl. The rest of the details were trivial.

  Not everything that was legally frowned upon was necessarily morally wrong. For instance, if someone tried to hurt Mom again, I would do anything within my power to stop them. I couldn’t help her or Dad when I was younger because I let fear keep me in that tree house. I didn’t let it drive me anymore. I’d even go as far as to say I’d kill someone over her, as most daughters would do for their mother. That was legally wrong, but the most morally sound decision that could be made. I wasn’t saying Mar’s dad had killed anyone, but truthfully, I couldn’t say he hadn’t either. Honestly, I was just making a point that even though he’d broken a few or so laws, it didn’t make him a bad guy in my book.

  “I would like two burritos carne asada, please,” Mar ordered for us, knowing I would eat whatever she chose. I wasn’t picky when it came to food. Except with cilantro, black licorice, fish eggs, and anchovies. If I could taste or see any of those, it was equal to a crime punishable by beheading, if you asked me. Not really. I usually just didn’t eat if by chance any of that ended up on my plate.

  We moved to the side after placing our order to make room for the people behind us, and I rubbed the tip of one shoe with the other. I hated that I’d spent all the money Mom worked hard for. Since it was cash, I knew it was the tips she’d been saving. Mar buying my food made me feel even guiltier. Yes, we were best friends, and she didn’t mind spotting me on money every once in a while, but it bothered me. Not that I was ungrateful, because I was very much the opposite. Especially right then, as the delicious aromas of chicken, beef, steak, and various peppers and onions floated from the grill in front of us, I was starved.

  The worker called our number, announcing our order was ready, and after snatching a few packets of sauce, we found a table to share. It was seclusive enough that was out of the main walkway, but we could still go unnoticed as we people-watched. People were so strange, particularly when they thought no one was paying them any attention. I didn’t exclude myself from that statement by any means. When compared to other teenagers, I was very aware of my awkwardness. Truthfully, though, I liked being different. Some people, well, scratch that. Most people had a true self and an image they wanted everyone else to see, like they’d photographed another life to show everyone else. As if every mannerism they allowed the outside world to see was planned and perfected to precision. Real life wasn’t like that, though, not in the slightest. It was chaotic, and at times, downright miserable, but it also held blips of happiness. Even I had to admit it.

  Neither Mar nor I liked to have our backs to people when we sat in public places, which usually resulted in us sitting beside each other with a wall at our backs. Today was no different. It worked out, though. With her being left-handed and my right hand being my dominant one, I always sat on the right and she on the left, so it was less likely for our arms to hit one another’s while we ate. We weren’t using forks to eat, so this time it wasn’t really important. We did it out of habit.

  “Tell me why that Greek god is smiling at you,” Mar insisted in a hushed tone out of the corner of her mouth and brought my attention up from my burrito.

  “Huh?” I mumbled, trying to swallow the food as fast as I could, and wiped my mouth with the napkin, just in case I’d gotten some on my face. I did a second swipe for good measure.

  My attention followed what her eyes were so intently fixated on and met Dax’s baby blues as he waved at us. The familiar sexy smirk that was growing on me flashed on his mouth and he ran his hand through his hair, pushing it behind his ears.

  Holding my hand up to greet him, I blushed as Mar cleared her throat and took a couple swigs of her drink. Before he sat down, Dax pulled out the chair that was across from me and flipped it around backward, and then he took it upon himself to grab the remainder of my burrito and took a huge bite.

  My eyes widened, and I turned my head to the side like a confused dog would. I was really weird about eating after people or them eating after me in this instance. Either way, I found it disgusting.

  “You want it back?” he said, holding the bite in his jaw, and plopped down onto the chair.

  “Nope. Not even a little bit,” I choked out, trying to mask my disgust, but I swear, my lower lip curled downward on its own.

  “This one.” Dax laughed as he spoke to Mar and nodded his head to me.

  Her eyes brightened as soon as he acknowledged her and they flickered between him and me. I knew that look all too well. She was interested in him, but would never pursue him if she thought I was. She was awaiting a silent answer from me to let her know if I was actually into him or not, which was a question I hadn’t actually figured out the answer to myself.

  My shoulders rose and fell, and a smile crept upon my lips as heat traveled into the peaks of my cheeks.

  “Uh-huh,” she sarcastically said out loud as she rolled her eyes.

  If it were possible to shoot someone and only hurt them temporarily, I would’ve driven a slug right into her at this exact moment. I took pinching the skin on the back of her arm as a close second.

  “Asshole,” Mar blurted, elbowing my arm out of the way.

  “Right. I’m the asshole here,” I grouched and scrunched my face. My irritation with her grew slightly, but not enough to be mad. She was only picking at me, but she didn’t have to be so obvious.

  Dax cleared his throat. “Well, you...” He paused, waiting for Mar to introduce herself, and she did with a handshake across the table. He chuckled, balling up the burrito wrapper and tossing it onto the tray between us.

  “Mar, I hate to tell you, but Blue here told me she’s only an asshole sometimes.”

  A loud laugh burst from Mar’s lips, and it was contagious. A similar one snuck out of my mouth as well because we both knew that was a lie.

  “Blue?” she questioned, her eyes traveling between Dax and me out of confusion.

  “Long story,” we both said in unison. Mar grimaced, and I made a mental note to tell her later. She hated being left out of the loop as much as I did, but it was rare for either of us to voice that to anyone else other than each other. Really, I hadn’t been much of a friend to her recently, and I felt like a s
hit for it. I planned to fill her in on most everything that I could. At least I’d give her the Cliffs Notes anyway.

  “Actually, I said I was an asshole more often than not,” I corrected him in between my decreasing laughs and smirked as he nodded his head. That smirk quieted me and made the answer to Mar’s question clear. Obviously, I was into him, but what I was supposed to do with that information baffled me. I’d never dated anyone, and I wasn’t sure if the two kisses I’d actually had counted. They were both with the person I was refusing to think of, but, honestly, even I thought it to be a little petty to react that way to him. It still didn’t make it hurt any less. In the moment, I forced myself to quit being immature and blaming Cal for disappearing. We had different lives now. We weren’t best friends anymore. Mine was Mar. In the same moments, I forgave myself enough to like Dax…even though I didn’t really know how one went about after they figured out they liked someone.

  “My mistake.” He smiled and grabbed my hand with his, pushing my heart to burn from the heat radiating from his skin to mine. All this time I’d been chasing the rush of life, when all I really needed to find was Dax. Maybe. I had no clue, because, again, hormones. I just decided to let things happen because I sure as hell didn’t know what to do otherwise.

  “Wanna go for a run later?” he asked. Hope grew in his voice, and he squeezed my hand.

  “I do, but after we get home, Mom probably won’t let me leave again.” I didn’t know why I lied. It wouldn’t be the first time I snuck out of my house after Mom passed out, but I couldn’t take back my answer without looking completely insane. I guess, technically, it wasn’t a lie, though. When I snuck out, Mom didn’t let me. I just went. It wasn’t clear to me why I didn’t want to see him again tonight, given I was supposed to like him and all.

  “Cool. I get it. I’ll see ya around.” He smiled and pushed his chair out. The bottom of its legs raked across the floor and made a loud scratching noise. A few people passing by stopped and gawked at him for a second or two, and all three of us had the same reaction. We let our middle fingers point upward in their general direction, which caused us all to die laughing.

  I couldn’t help but wonder why I didn’t jump on the chance to see Dax again. Maybe it was just new to accept how I felt about him. Really, I had no idea. I always thought you were supposed to want to spend every waking second with someone if they were your crush. Perhaps I was broken inside and certain things were irreparable. Although I truthfully hoped that wasn’t the case. It could simply be that he was just a crush and this was all new. Things took time to get serious. That made the most sense out of all of it. Taking time to not rush into things wasn’t my usual style. I was the feet first kind of gal, but that approach didn’t appeal to me with Dax.

  That night, though, I did sneak out, but Dax wasn’t the reason. A bottle of whiskey would have been helpful right then, but I was pretty sure that wouldn’t be what I would find. A big heaping pile of nothing was more likely to be what was found. Mar wasn’t going to her dad’s for a few more weeks, and given how Cal ghosted me, I was certain the likelihood of him restocking my graveyard shelf was very unreal.

  I needed to be by myself to think. I wasn’t sure why I could think better on the memorial bench, but I could. It was like I wore a mental block in the confines of my bedroom, but out here in the open night air, I was free of hesitation. Things were simpler here. No one here held expectations for me other than myself, that was. Never mind the fact that I was the only breathing body here. That part wasn’t important.

  Closing my eyes, I lay back onto the cold concrete of the bench and listened to the bugs and frogs of the night. It made me think back to the night Dad taught Cal and me to catch lightning bugs. Of course, since it included my two favorite guys, I was all for it. Cal, however, wasn’t as keen on the idea of intentionally letting a bug touch our skins. Now that I had a few minutes to think with a level head, it was hard to compare the innocent boy afraid to touch bugs to the obstinate person he’d grown to be. That may not have been exactly fair, but he’d not given me any other reason to believe otherwise.

  Letting myself forgive him was hard, but it felt like something I needed to do to move on. Sometimes you had to take three steps backward to discover the strength to move forward, and so that’s what I did. I peeled myself off the bench and caught one firefly and then let it go with a giggle. I hadn’t done something so simple in ages, and it wasn’t like I was old, even if I felt it. I was only eighteen. Right then, I promised myself to try to have a different outlook on life. I’d give it my best shot, but I wasn’t sure if it was a promise I could keep.

  Living in the moment, because I never knew when it would pass me by, I let my head fall backward and held my arms open wide, spinning as rain started to drizzle down from the sky. This was so out of character for me, but sometimes when even the faintest glimpse of hope was snuffed out of your life, it left a dire decision to be made. You could accept defeat as your flame faded, or you could drench it in gasoline and fight like hell to spread a wildfire. I intended to do just that. This was only the first match to strike the box.

  Seventeen

  Jaci

  The remainder of summer, which was only two days, was pretty uneventful. Mom insisted we have a mother-daughter day, which amounted to the two of us watching movies in our pajamas and eating popcorn. Mom was a homebody, so I hadn’t expected much more than that, but even something that little was nice. We didn’t do things together nearly often enough, but we never really had either. Events like this were few and far between, but I didn’t blame Mom no more than I blamed myself. It just wasn’t who we were. Some families needed to do things to feel like they had a purpose. For us, merely having each other was enough.

  School was pretty uneventful. It was how I remembered it. Well, mostly. There was one surprise I would have never seen coming. Even if I had read it before, I wouldn’t have believed it would be so.

  “Here he comes!” Mar squealed.

  “Who?” I closed my locker door and peeked around it to see who she was talking about, and my breath caught in my chest. That was it. I didn’t want to attend public school anymore. How was I to know the guy Mar chose to be our tour guide would be someone I knew? The odds of that happening were pretty low, considering only four people in this town knew I existed.

  “Cal, meet Jaci. She’s my bestie.” She smiled at him as she introduced us, and I thought I was going to be sick to my stomach. I opened my mouth to speak up, but quickly closed it as my stomach churned.

  I suspiciously waited for Cal to inform Mar we already knew each other, but he didn’t. Coward! His eyes shifted back and forth from her to me several times and he rubbed the back of his neck. “Nice to meet you, Jaci.”

  Instantly, anger rushed through my body and I regretted ever spending any amount of time thinking of him. Well, that wasn’t true. The truth was, Cal acting like I was a complete stranger hurt on a very deep level. His cold words broke my skin and coiled around my heart, fracturing away vital parts of it. I refused to look at him, just made a noise in his general direction because that’s all I could manage. His betrayal was far worse than any scenario I could have ever created in my head. Now, I’d take any of those.

  After excusing myself to the bathroom, the tears tried their damnedest to break free, but I refused to cry over him being an asshole. I splashed some water onto my face and went on about my day, adding another brick to the wall I’d started tearing down to let people in. I knew better than to believe in people, but for some reason, I hadn’t ever grouped Cal into that category. I’d always let him have a category of his own, but no more. That was my mistake—one I didn’t intend to continue.

  Compelling myself to square my shoulders and move on with the day was the only answer now, and so I did. At first, the biggest hurdle I had to conquer was only leaving the bathroom, and then it was finding my classroom. Next, making myself speak to people who I had no real interest in talking to now. Although I’m not
entirely sure I ever had the desire to be a social butterfly, so that one couldn’t really be blamed on Cal.

  It wasn’t the first day Mar and I dreamed of. At least it wasn’t for me. Mar, on the other hand, was having the time of her life, and I didn’t want to ruin it for her. I wasn’t sure if telling her Cal and I knew one another was the best thing to do or just let her be happy. Out of every person I’d met on this earth, she positively deserved a little happiness. Besides, there was still a small chance he might tell her the truth. For his sake, I really hoped he would because it would be his time to tell his side of the story, and I’m sure he could place himself in way better lighting than I would.

  When lunchtime rolled around, my head had been filled with so much syllabus talk, I’d almost forgotten what Cal had done. Almost. I wanted to be mad. I needed to hate him, but I couldn’t. With a simple shrug of his shoulders, he told me we shared the same feelings. Despite that fact, I was going to speak up and tell Mar anyway, to expose Cal and whatever game he was playing.

  “Mar?” I hesitated and had to repeat her name to catch her full attention. Picking at my nails, I mentally prepared myself to be the one to ruin her great day.

  “There’s my girl. Bro. Mar,” Dax’s deep voice boomed from behind, and he sat down in the chair beside me, dropping his tray onto the table. The cold cut momentarily was airborne and then smacked against the Styrofoam tray and he laughed. With one quick smack of his broad hand onto the chip bag, it popped beneath his palm and startled a few students walking by where we sat. I was beginning to notice a pattern. Dax liked to be noticed, whereas I preferred to fade into the background of the set. It’s what I’d always done in most aspects of life.