Proof

by Craze, Chelle C.

  My heart pounded out an erratic rhythm, because although Cal and I technically weren’t doing anything wrong, it looked wrong. My eyes zeroed onto the closet at the far side of the room and I panicked, dashing to open it.

  “No!” Cal yelled when his eyes followed where my attention had traveled, but I didn’t listen to him. I climbed inside the closet and closed my eyes, trying not to notice what was in there. The reality was, I had no idea why he’d yelled, but figured if I closed my eyes and the door, at least I’d be giving him a small amount of privacy while still hiding from Dax.

  “I mean, yeah, I’m down here, man,” Cal called up to his brother as the sound of footsteps drew near. I didn’t know if Cal went upstairs or Dax was coming down. Slowly, I counted to ten, trying to do anything to remain calm. If we weren’t doing anything wrong, then why was I hiding in a closet? Because it looked wrong, that’s why. I really did care for Dax. He was everything I wasn’t, and somehow he always had the right things to say to make me feel better, if I let him, that was. It was hard to let him in because we were so different. Only I didn’t think he was aware of it. Hearing his happy, clueless voice sent another wave of guilt trudging through my veins.

  Right there, in that moment, I made a promise to myself. I wouldn’t destroy the friendship I had with Mar and I’d see the relationship through with Dax. Maybe Cal was my past and Dax was my future. I had no idea and wouldn’t unless I tried to figure it out. The one thing I was certain of was how I didn’t like this feeling.

  The silence continued near me and the muffled voices above me answered my question. Cal must have gone upstairs. I allowed my lungs to find some semblance of a normal breathing pattern, as I had been holding my breath and then letting it out slowly. Something that closely resembled letting a little bit of air out of a balloon at a time, so it wouldn’t fly all over the room and release the air all at once. The truth be told, I kind of felt like that, though. My emotions were all over the place and my mind was riding through the wind right along with them. The best thing for me to do was go home and sleep. I had no clue what time it was, but I was more than ready to crawl into my bed.

  I waited for Cal to come tell me the coast was clear, or at least give me some type of signal. Perhaps a sequence of knocks to let me know I could make a dash for the door. I’d only been in their house a few times, but I’d never been in this part of it. When Dax was giving me the tour, he said this was “Cal’s space” and I “didn’t need to see it.” My curiosity was immediately piqued, but I had to admit, I thought of it as Pandora’s box. I told myself if I came down here, I’d be asking for trouble, and I was. I wasn’t proud of where I ended up tonight. There was nothing admirable about hiding in someone’s closest so not to be seen, especially if that someone happened to be your boyfriend.

  Stretching out of boredom or just plain being tired, my arms reached upward and touched something soft that may have been a blanket. Standing to blindly investigate, I let my fingertips trace the object’s edge. It had to be a blanket and on top of it a pillow. I grabbed them both, brought them down to the floor, and curled into a ball until I could go home.

  Twenty-One

  Cal

  “I forgot.”

  “This thing,” I answered Dax, pulling his cummerbund out of my bag. Panic banged through every inch of my body because his girl, whom I now wanted to be mine, was downstairs in a closet. I tried shaking my head to tell her we weren’t doing anything wrong, but she didn’t listen. Dax was about to come downstairs, so I rushed upstairs to beat him to the punch. It felt wrong to think of Jaci as just his girl, but as much as I didn’t like it, she wasn’t mine. She was his. The only power I had over anything was knowing I needed to break up with Amaris.

  “Yes. Thank you! We’re heading out in twenty minutes. I just happened to check my phone after it charged and saw your text. You’re the best!” my brother beamed, shaking his head to knock back his blond hair out of his vision, and then used the hair tie on his wrist to pull it into a small man bun. He wrapped his arms around my neck and squeezed so tight I choked for air against his chest. He was a head taller than my five foot eleven inches, so I lightly patted his back and pushed away, gasping for air.

  Maybe it wasn’t the only reason I put distance between us, but it’s the excuse I used. The guilt his words brought on was so strong, I subconsciously swallowed hard as if it would make the situation better. This guy was one of the greatest people I knew and so was Amaris. Any way I went about anything, someone would get hurt. I promised to not seek out Jaci anymore, but I wouldn’t ignore her either. That seemed to be bad for both of us. Maybe she and I could just be friends. I didn’t know because I’d never given that a chance since we reconnected. We didn’t really give anything a chance, in my opinion. That’s all we were when we were kids, though, so why couldn’t it work now?

  Just as quick as he came, he was gone out the door again. I’d considered coming clean and telling him about the past that Jaci and I shared, but the same dilemma stood in the way that did when I thought of telling Amaris. It wasn’t just mine to tell. I did feel like I owed Dax more of an explanation than Amaris, though. I’d never told him because I was afraid it’d cause him to hate me, although I wasn’t even sure he was capable of hating someone. The dude was a saint, and when compared to him, I filled the shoes of the opposite. It wasn’t that I was delusional. I didn’t think I was the worst person to walk the earth. I just liked to be real and aware of where I stood with things. Other than being born first, when it came to Dax, I was always in second place. Most people would be a bit bitter when it came to that realization, but I wasn’t. After Jaci and her mom moved away, I was happy to finally meet the little boy I had resented for many years. He got to spend all the time with Dad and Luna before Dad took both of their lives. It was a murder-suicide, and I was the one to find them. I got to spend the time after, which was the reason for my hospitalization and when I met Jaci. My mom and Dax’s mom were the only two that knew that, other than me. Of course, it was public record, but to my knowledge Dax had never questioned the matter enough to go digging. At least I didn’t think he had.

  Letting the overall frustration grate through my body, I gripped the breakfast bar and sighed. There were so many secrets that made me. Some I clung to and buried beneath every part of who I was, praying they were never unearthed. Others, like the past Jaci and I shared, I wished were as open as the sky, just out there for everyone to see, so we didn’t have to hide things from the people we cared about. I might have been an idiot for letting myself care for her. There were more reasons than I could count, which made it a colossally bad idea, but listening to reason wasn’t something I was necessarily known for. Really, I didn’t know how others would describe me, and for the most part didn’t care.

  Light footsteps approaching reminded me I’d forgotten to go back downstairs where I’d left Jaci in a closet. “Jaci, I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” She yawned, and as I turned to face her, there weren’t any lingering questions floating around in my busy head. It was just she and I, and I wanted it to be like this. Even if I didn’t know what would happen ten years from now no more than I did ten seconds from now, I wanted it. If it was possible to want to be a good person, but still be a bad one, I was definitely it. I’d promised myself not even an hour ago not to pursue Jaci and I wasn’t yet…but I knew I’d lied to myself when I made that stupid declaration to begin with. I owed so many people so many things, but right then, all I could think about was how her lips felt against mine and how much I’d missed them ever since they left mine on the bridge.

  “I might have fallen asleep,” she said, her voice thick with sleep. She stretched her arms above her head, her shirt rising and exposing her stomach. My brain told my eyes to look away, and they did for a brief second, but they were quick to zoom back to their original interest. Her stomach. The skin of her cheeks flushed when she noticed where my eyes were glued to and heat rushed into mine. My mouth went dry, an
d I knew I should have made up some excuse, but I didn’t. Instead, my selfish fingertips reached for her, because that’s what I did with anything I used. I always knew better than to pick up something I couldn’t quit, but that never stopped me before, and that didn’t change with Jaci.

  “I should, uh, get going,” she said in a voice deeper than normal as my hand inched up her side, making her the smarter of the two of us. At the very least, she was more honest than I was. I was ready to throw everything else away the moment my skin came in contact with hers and I stopped thinking with the head above my shoulders.

  “Yeah, you probably should,” I agreed with her, trying to hide just how much she could affect me, turning my crotch away from her and giving her an awkward one-armed hug.

  “You want me to—”

  “I think it’d be best if you stayed here, Cal,” she interrupted me, making it obvious I sucked at hiding my erection from her.

  “Probably.” I laughed as embarrassment overtook me. I thought about making up some elaborate medical condition that caused random erections, but figured it would just make this situation a hundred times worse, so I just owned it and smiled without making an excuse.

  When I opened the door, a huge gust of wind howled and knocked out the lights. Instinctively, I pulled Jaci to me to protect her. Who the hell knew what I thought I was protecting her from, but it should have been me. I wrapped my arms around her body and pulled her flush against me. Not only had I failed miserably at keeping her from noticing the outcome of the two inches of skin she unintentionally flashed, I had just essentially jerked her on top of it. Thankfully it’d gone down some, but I still looked like some sort of creep.

  In all her destruction and havoc was beauty. The attraction between us was undisputable. I was drawn to her and her to me. The closer we moved to each other when we were together, the farther my doubts ran. I wanted to be more like my brother. He was worthy of her, even if it pissed me off. Me? The jury was still out on the answer to that one. I wasn’t even sure if I was worthy of me.

  “Hell,” I spat out of frustration and immediately released her. “I’m sorry. Fuck,” I grunted, stepping back to put more space between us, but it was too late. My heel hit something and my body flung backward. My hands pointlessly grabbed into the air, trying to find something to save me from what was already happening. Guess what? I didn’t find anything to save me.

  “Are you okay?” Jaci laughed, her voice only holding the tiniest bit of concern.

  “No,” I complained, reaching behind me and flinging a shoe in the general direction of her and the door. She sharply inhaled, and I felt like an asshole for lying to her. “Yes, I’m okay. My pride is just a little bruised.”

  “Yeah, mine would be, too, if I was afraid of the dark.” She laughed again and her laughter was musical, but it still pissed me off a little. I didn’t want her to think I was afraid of the dark, but it was a better alternative than discussing where her ass had just been. She didn’t bring it up, so I avoided it, too.

  “I can’t help it,” I teased, getting to my feet, and cautiously made my way into the kitchen to get my bag. Loosening the strings, I took my cell phone out and used the flashlight to find her without rubbing my crotch on her again.

  “Looks like I need to walk you home.”

  “By flashlight?”

  “Nah, I think I’ll be okay once I’m actually outside.” I played along and nudged her with my shoulders, passing her and walking through the doorframe. When it came to her, I had absolutely no game. With any other female, I was smooth sailing. Not Jaci, which was probably a good thing. Reminding myself she was off-limits for countless reasons shouldn’t have been something I had to do more than once, but I was losing count fast of how much that was something I had to do. It was a bad idea to be alone around her, but I also didn’t want her walking home in the dark.

  Walking her home, I used the three-foot rule. I kept that amount of distance between us at all times. As soon as she was inside her house and I checked to make sure the door was locked, I ran home to take the world’s coldest shower.

  Twenty-Two

  Jaci

  This night hadn’t gone at all as planned. Not that I’d actually had a plan, but I had told myself I’d walk away from Cal and try to just be friends. I wanted to respect the relationship I had with Dax, even if I wasn’t sure if it would last after this weekend. He was quite possibly the nicest person I’d ever met, but I wasn’t sure that nice was what I needed. He was so respectful of everyone, and his voice could all but call angels from heaven. He really was every girl’s dream date, including me, or so I thought. I’d convinced myself he was anyway, but that was during the time that Cal and I weren’t talking. Now that we were, even if I only wanted to be friends, the attraction between the two of us was getting to be undeniable. Which was a huge problem, considering he was dating Mar.

  I hated myself for even being in the position where I might have screwed her over. Mar had never so much as crossed any line when it came to a guy I liked, which wasn’t a high number, but still. When we were in the mall the day she met Dax, she instantly was attracted to him, but she completely shut all of that down when she found out there was a small possibility of me being interested in him. I didn’t deserve her as a friend, and I wasn’t defending my actions. I was weak and didn’t want to be alone. That’s all there was to it.

  My phone had enough juice left in it to call and check in with Mom, and then I swallowed my pride and called Dax. I might have been jumping the gun, but I’d rather be true to him and myself, instead of leading him along, because frankly I wasn’t sure how long I had been doing just that. It didn’t mean that I would pursue Cal, because I was never putting myself in the position of crossing my best friend ever again. I just needed to be open with Dax simply because he deserved it.

  “Hey, is everything okay?” Dax’s voice laced with sleep answered after the second ring.

  “Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “No, it’s cool. I’m up now. What’s up?” The sound of rustling covers filled the speaker, and then he cleared his throat, awaiting my reply.

  “Dax, we’re friends, right?”

  “Is this going where I think this is going?” he questioned my motives, but truly didn’t sound as upset as I expected.

  “Umm.”

  “Where do you think it’s going, Dax?”

  “Blue, we haven’t even kissed and I’ve never tried. Don’t you find that kind of strange?”

  “Yes? No? I don’t know.”

  The phone rang, alerting me he wanted to add video to our call, and so I accepted.

  “You were my last attempt, Jaci.” After those words left his lips, I wanted to absorb every negative word back into my body. I wasn’t sure where he was going, but this was bound to end badly.

  “I’m sorry, Dax. It’s just.”

  “Girl, you’re good. What I meant was, you are the most beautiful female I’ve ever seen. When I saw you on the bridge and I pulled you off the ledge, I thought you were a gift from God and you are, but…Jaci, I’m gay.” This wasn’t at all the direction I thought this conversation would take. Color me surprised. I never saw this coming. I mean, sure, I questioned why he’d never made a move. I just thought he was being a gentleman.

  “You are?”

  “Yes. Well, I think I am.” He bit his knuckle, and it was then I saw it. I didn’t think I ever wanted anything more than friendship with him, but he was genuine, and it was something I found extremely sexy.

  “So have you?” I moved my cupped hand back and forth and put my tongue against my cheek, mimicking the motions of a blow job. Although I wasn’t sure how much he could see, given the only light in the house was supplied from my phone’s screen, but figured he could make out the general idea.

  “No!” He laughed and fell back onto the bed. “Wait! Have you?”

  “No!” I laughed with him and lay down on the couch.

  “Have you told a
nyone else?”

  “Only you. I’m not even sure if I’m full-blown gay. I might just be bi. Who knows.”

  I reassured him, even though he hadn't asked. "Unless you want me to, that is."

  “Oh, I know. That’s why I’m telling you. I'm not sure what I want to do yet.”

  “Why me, though?” I asked straightforward, true curiosity rising in my head.

  “Because I trust you.” He smiled, and I mirrored his gesture. It was nice to be trusted, even though I knew I didn’t deserve it.

  “I’m sorry I was such a shitty girlfriend, Dax.”

  “It’s okay. I wasn’t exactly—”

  I stopped him before he could classify himself with me. “No, you were amazing. It’s me. I’m just. Well, I’m me and I’m complicated.”

  He sat back up and rested his back against the headboard. “We all are. That’s what makes us human.” The honesty in his words inched up my throat and convinced me I should let just a few tears fall since these were tears of joy. I denied them, because it’s who I was.

  “What are we going to tell people? Or, what do you want me to tell people?”

  “It’s none of their business. We broke up, and that’s all they need to know. Let them fill in the blanks. You know they will anyway.”

  I laughed. He was right, and we both knew it.