Remember Me

by Stacey Nash

  Suddenly, the hurt is gone and I’m grinning. The recollection warming my memory has to be true. I try to force my mouth back into a serious line but it still twitches. Grateful I can’t see Nik, I glance at the space around me, but there’s not much to see. A million hooks on one wall, the mats on the floor and hay bales pushed against the wall like seats. A series of thuds draws my gaze to Nik bounding down a set of rickety stairs.

  Oops, I’m supposed to be searching. I jab at a wall filled with hooks. “There’s nothing at all down here. What’s it look like?”

  He gives me that same look again, the one where I can almost see his mind ticking in his eyes. Is he trying to decide if he should trust me? The moment lingers and finally he says, “Jewelry.”

  “Why would they keep something like that in a barn?”

  “It’s worth hiding.”

  He walks back toward the doors and outside. We cross the field, returning to the house but veer off to a small outbuilding not far from the main building. As we get closer, I can see it’s not dirty brown but speckled with peeling whitewash. Nik strides up to the closed entrance, puts his whole weight behind him, and pulls one side of the double door open. We enter into a large empty space. Cabinet doors stand ajar, their shelves bare, oil patches mark the floor and empty crates lay discarded all over like the place has been cleared out.

  Nik kicks the wall and pulls his leg back, booting it again. “Damn it!”

  He kicks until I’m sure a foot sized hole should have appeared. This anger is a side of him I’m seeing more and more often, and it’s not pleasant. I keep my mouth shut and stay rooted to the spot in the centre of the dusty room.

  He spins around. “We’re too late.”

  I shrink back just a little. Think quick, deflect him. “What about the house?” I ask. “That seems like the type of place jewelry’s normally kept.”

  “There’s no point. They’ve cleaned the place out. Besides, it’s already been checked.” He stalks out the door, slamming it closed behind him.

  Right. Taking one last glance around the empty room, disappointment pangs in my chest when no memories or feelings return. I sigh and exit the abandoned building.

  Nik’s in the middle of the field with the two agents, his arms hanging by his sides. I can’t remember their names, but they’re dressed like the rest, all in black. Like me, I realize looking down at my leather pants and top. It’s the same as my old uniform only black and with one empty star on the sleeve marking my novice rank.

  Nik grabs my arm, his fingers pinching the soft flesh, and once again we’re porting without me being ready. It’s so sudden and abrupt that I feel slightly nauseous with an ominous feeling of wrongness, like he’s pushed me off a cliff and I’m falling to my death.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  Mae

  We land in the port room and Nik releases my arm with a flick, like without Joshua here to antagonize he doesn’t feel the need to be nice. I jump out of the way just in time for the agents porting in behind us to have a clear landing. Nik storms out of the room with his arms swinging, not looking to see if I follow. Great, I’d prefer to walk home today anyway rather than be confined in a transport with his foul mood.

  I walk straight out of the port room and into the temple’s antechamber where sensors have gathered in a group by the still reflection pool. Their hushed talking stops abruptly and they all look up at me walking past. Only one meets my eyes though, her eyes smiling as she gives a greeting nod. It’s more acknowledgment than they usually give so I return her gesture and continue down the length of the pool. They’re all a little odd, the sensors, with their faces hiding in the shadows of their robes, devoid of any emotion. I’ve seen two with shaved heads, but who knows what the rest really look like?

  As I reach the end of the pool footsteps patter behind me. “Anamae?”

  The gray-eyed sensor jogs along the side of the rippling water. She’s somehow different to the others, maybe a little more connected. I pause while she catches up and when she’s close enough to speak without shouting, she says, “How are you feeling?”

  See? Weird. I cock my head to the side. “I’m fine.” Why wouldn’t I be?

  She mimics my tilted head. “After the accident? Last time we spoke, I got the impression you weren’t so … fine.”

  Tell someone. Cynnie’s words haunt me like she’s whispering in my ear right now. I know this sensor isn’t who she meant. She wanted me to tell the hocrei, but as I’m looking into the sensor’s kind face, I feel an unbelievable urge to talk. She seems like the type of person who’d want to listen.

  My legs suddenly quiver, my knees weaken, and the room tilts. Her warm hands grab me around the middle and she guides me to the right. “You aren’t okay, dear.”

  Of course I’m okay. I pull away from her, but she places a hand on my forearm and another on my back, still guiding me.

  “Sorry, I just stood up too fast.”

  “Anamae, you weren’t sitting. You were standing.”

  I clutch my left temple. “I have a headache.”

  She ushers me into the room with the dais and gently steers me to a seat. I want to trust her, I really do, but after so long of not fully trusting anyone but Cynnie … then Manvyke lying to me, I’m not sure if I can. The secret that I’m not Collective feels too big, too dangerous to share until I’m one hundred percent certain.

  “Your accident …” she says.

  Something about her face, the way she holds her head, the unbelievable gentleness in her eyes, sends my walls tumbling down, and part of my secret’s out before I realize I’ve spoken. “I have no memories.”

  “From the accident?”

  “From anytime before the accident. I don’t remember faces, places, school, training, tech,” I take a quick breath, “or anything Collective. I got stuck in the barrier that protects the community—ah I mean agoge. On our first mission the other day, some guy from the resistance tried to convince me he’s known me all my life, and just now when I went on a mission with Nik—”

  I take another quick but deep breath, so many words leaving me a little breathless. When I meet her eyes, they’re a little watery. She reaches out and takes my hand between two of hers.

  “Have you told anyone this?” she asks.

  “Not all of it.”

  “Who have you shared with?”

  “My friend, Cynnie.”

  She frowns. “That is all, just Cynisca?”

  “Councilor Manvyke knows some of it …”

  Her eyes narrow, the intensity launches shivers through me and I’m suddenly more scared than I’ve ever been.

  “Joshua and Nik were there when I got stuck in the fence.”

  She sucks in a sharp breath. “Did they react?”

  “Nik didn’t seem to care, he just pulled me through it, but Josh seemed a little confused.”

  She frowns again and I wish more of her face was uncovered. “You mustn’t tell anyone else.” She stares into my eyes like this is important. “And don’t tell the councilor anything else. He’s not trustworthy.” She squeezes my hand and I tip my head. It’s like she can read me. “You poor girl, you must be so confused. Are your memories returning?”

  I nod slowly again. “I think so, but they’re not really memories. They’re more like that vague sense that you’ve seen this before. So I don’t know if they really are memories or just forgotten dreams.”

  “Would you like to share them with me?”

  I swallow and draw my thumb to my mouth, running my teeth over the soft side.

  She gently takes my hand and moves it out of my mouth. “My dear, how long have you been living with this?”

  The door slams open, hitting the wall with a loud crash and revealing Nik dominating the doorway. His shoulders square, his scowl focused on me and the sensor. His mouth turns in a sneer moments before he speaks. “What are you doing here?”

  “You left me here,” I say.

  “I thought you were big en
ough to come straight home without needing a chaperone.”

  Ouch. He’s getting worse each time we speak.

  “Nikias. That is no way to talk to your partner,” my sensor friend says.

  He looks right at me, his eyes blazing. “Let’s go.”

  Although everything in me screams ’say no, stand up to him’, I break eye contact and rise to my feet. Until I figure everything out, I’m not going to give him a reason to distrust me. Especially with the memory of him complaining how infuriating it is to be around me. I have to get some time alone with Joshua and I’m certain the only way that will happen is through keeping Nik happy, so he feels he doesn’t have to hover over me every waking moment.

  “Anamae,” the sensor says just as I reach the door. I turn to look back. “The sensors are always here.”

  “Well, where else would they freaking be?” Nik mumbles.

  I offer her a small smile, trying to convey my thanks then turn and follow Nik out of the temple. He steps up onto the transporter and I blow out a breath. Being in a confined space with him makes my skin crawl. The second I step up onto the transport, the barriers whoosh up and we’re moving. In a brief second we screech to a halt in front of the house, and I slap my hands against the barrier to stop tumbling into him.

  Nik waits for me to step off then stalks to the door, scowling and holding it open. After I pass through I keep walking, right to the glass elevator in a hurry to get out of his firing range. I’m not hanging around for more. I hop inside and when I turn to press the button marked three, he steps in beside me. As it rises, my mind wanders to the overheard conversation all those weeks ago. It makes me think maybe he knows I’m not really one of them. But if I’m not Collective, how did I end up here, in their community? It can’t have been an accident, but if it is, God only knows what they’ll do when they find out. I glance over at him standing rigid in the center of the elevator. Is this his fault?

  The door slides open and without really thinking about moving at all, I step out into the lavish corridor. Everything in this place is big, fancy and expensive looking. Nothing like the farm Nik and I swept today. Somehow I felt more at ease there, like it was a part of my soul, and that’s it. It’s the nugget that makes it clear. I know deep down that this extravagant Collective life isn’t mine. I enter my room and, still lost in my thoughts, turn to close the door, but Nik stands in the doorway, his foot barring the jamb. The door slams right into it and bounces back without him flinching.

  He looks me right in the eye, all serious. “Thanks for today.”

  I feel myself frown. What’s that supposed to mean?

  “You held it together well … in the midst of …”

  I raise my brows.

  “In the midst of an old home.”

  For a split second my breath stops, and I blink, then I quickly pull the mask of hidden feelings over my face, shrugging. “No worries. It was a bit run down, eh?”

  He smiles and pulls his foot out, allowing the door to swing closed.

  I run both hands through my hair, tugging and gripping it tightly. That felt like some kind of test. Did he notice I felt a familiarity at the farm or am I reading too much into his words? Perhaps they had no hidden meaning and he just meant it was a decrepit house. I let go of my hair and sink onto the chaise.

  I have to get out of here soon. But walking up to Nik or the Councilor and admitting I don’t belong wouldn’t be a good idea; God knows how they’d react. Probably not pleasantly. Then there’s Joshua. When I look at him I know this isn’t his home either, but he calls the Councilor father, Nikias brother, and they treat him like family. All three of them have the same stance, same build, same brooding eyes. They clearly are family. But if he really is their family, then why do I feel like he doesn’t belong? And what’s with the name that comes to my mind every time I think of him, not Joshua but Jax?

  I need to see him and figure this all out. Why we both have different names, why I got stuck in the barrier, and why I feel like neither of us belong here.

  Hours later, when it’s fully dark, I poke my head out the door of my sitting room. This needs to be secret, no one can know I need to see him. If Nik and the Councilor want to keep us apart, they have a good reason and I don’t trust either of them. What’s good for them probably isn’t good for me.

  There’s no one there. As I enter the hall, I look from left to right and realize I’ve got no idea exactly where his room is or how I’m going to find it. This house is more like a modern castle with a million rooms, half of them unused and the other half ones I’ve never looked into. I wander down the hall, listening at a few doors and focusing on him in the hope some sort of sixth sense will kick in. Light floods under a door not far from mine, looks like a good place to start. Holding my ear to it, I hope to hear something to confirm or deny, but the only sound is the beat of heavy music that doesn’t feel right for him so I keep going.

  The elevator comes into sight and an image of him standing on the first floor as Nik and I passed on my first day here comes to mind. Not this floor, it must be that one. I dart into the elevator, press one and wait as it moves. Then I chew on my lip and cross then uncross my arms. Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this. My feeling might be off; I could be wrong.

  The doors slide open and I take a step forward, then back in. No. No, I shouldn’t do this. The doors start to close. No. I should do it. I can’t go anywhere without him. The thought of leaving this place alone makes my stomach turn upside down. Barring the door, I step out onto the wide balcony with all its lights on. I look to the left then back to the right. A corridor leads off either way, right past the top of each curving staircase. I glance each way again.

  Left. It feels right.

  After only a single step, I stop at the sound of arguing voices floating up from below. I can’t make out the words, but it’s Manvyke and Nik. Or maybe Joshua. Without a second thought, I dash for the elevator and descend to the lower floor. The door slides open and their voices still carry. What I mistook for anger, though, sounds more like debate. With the memory of the last conversation overheard here fresh in my mind, I creep to the same spot underneath the stairs.

  “She’s got no idea. This isn’t even going to work.” Relief floods me that the second voice is Nik, not Joshua.

  “There’s no more déjà vu then?” Manvyke asks.

  “She had no idea where she was today, the place didn’t even seem to spark a memory nor did multiple mentions of the pendant. There’s no way she’s going to lead us to it.”

  “What pendant? Where did you take her today?” A third voice—Socrai—sounds confused.

  “Nikias,” Manvyke warns.

  “Just a site linked with her disloyal behavior,” Nik says. “We wanted to make sure the erasure of those memories wasn’t coming back.”

  “Yes, can’t have such a promising agent reverting to old, rebellious ways. She’s too much of an asset,” Manvyke says, “or a potential threat.”

  They’re lying. I can feel it in the way their sentences mesh, almost like they’ve been rehearsed. I wish I could see Socrai’s face to know if he’s buying this garbage.

  “You’ve done a wonderful job with her,” Manvyke says. “Partnering her with Nikias was perfect.”

  Socrai laughs. “Thank you councilor. I take great pride in my projects.”

  The door opens and I spring back, further into the shadows. Crap, I’ve got to get out of here unseen. And did he just call us his projects? My tummy twists and not in a good way.

  Whoever opened the door pauses and I hold my breath, hoping they don’t glance my way.

  “Farewell, councilor.” Socrai walks out, pulling the door closed behind him.

  I should take the chance to slip away too, before Nik and Manvyke come out, but curiosity roots me to the spot and I can’t gather enough will to move. They’re too silent. After a few minutes a clap echoes through the tiled foyer and Manvyke says, “Watch what you say, Nikias. If you let it slip who she real
ly is …”

  The menace in his voice makes it obvious that was a threat.

  “If you’re worried about her, get the hocrei in.” The contempt in Nik’s voice is clear. “She knows it was a mind wipe, just not that it wasn’t a regular one. Get her to make sure it’s still in place.”

  “Don’t tell me what to do, son.”

  A few seconds of silence pass, and all I can think is mind wipe. They wiped my freaking mind.

  “Are you worried it’s failing?” Manvyke asks.

  “No.”

  “Then why would you even suggest that? The fewer people who know about this, the better.”

  Thoughts reeling to make sense of their conversation, I dart back to elevator and shoot up to the second floor. I need to find Joshua and it needs to be now. This is much worse than I’d thought.

  My feet sound on the tiles as I take my first step to the left. Wincing at the noise, I rise onto my toes and tread quietly as I enter the corridor, surprised I can see the end. There are only two doors, both on the left. One’s open, the other’s closed. I move to the open one and peek in. The room’s similar to mine. It’s a sitting room but where everything in mine is maroon, this one’s decorated in darker colors. The carpet’s a dark green as are the antique style sitting chairs. Deep in my gut, or maybe it’s my psyche, it feels right. I step onto the thick carpet certain this is his room.

  “Josh,” I call, then bite down on my lip. Be more cautious. Nik could show up at any moment.

  This sitting room’s clearly empty so I sneak to the door which must lead to the bedroom. The rest of the layout’s the same as my room, after all. Hiding behind the wall, I peer around the opening, holding a breath in. As I scan the bedroom, my chest falls with disappointment. It’s empty too. I glance around, looking for something to confirm I’m in the right place, but there are no distinguishing items. Just the same four-poster-bed, dresser, and wardrobe as my room. I turn back to the sitting room. Maybe I can find something there. Something to confirm this is his space. An elaborate dark wooden writing desk owns the corner. I don’t have one those. I slide the hutch up, revealing a perfectly neat stack of books. Not a single one overlaps the edge of the pile. Curiosity makes me spin them around to read the spines. The Count of Monte Christo, Les Miserables, and several other titles I don’t recognize. Huh, definitely not Nik’s style. They’re all too noble, but then, it seems almost too perfect a fit for Josh. Revenge and redemption side by side.