by Jean Ure
“Oh! Well, in either version,” said Dad, “he happens to catch sight of himself in a lake—”
“A pool, actually,” said Mum.
“Lake, pool, what does it matter?” Dad was starting to sound a bit irritable. He hates it when people keep interrupting. “Pond, puddle, river … the point is that he sees his reflection and is so entranced by his own beauty that he falls in and drowns.”
“Which he could hardly do in a puddle,” said Mum.
“So what does it mean,” I said, “if you actually call someone a narciss … ist?”
“It just means they’re a bit too self-regarding.”
I thought, That is so unfair! Dancers have to be self-regarding. We do nothing but regard ourselves. All of us. Including Sean. If I was a narcissist, so was he!
“Know what?” I said, as I turned to go back up the stairs. “I bet it wasn’t Danny.”
Mum looked puzzled. “You bet what wasn’t Danny?”
“Him and Sean breaking up … I bet you anything you like it was Sean!”
I said it again next day when I was breaking the news to Caitlyn.
“I bet it was Sean!”
Caitlyn looked at me reproachfully. “What makes you think that?”
“Cos he’s my brother,” I said, “and I know what he’s like … too used to getting his own way. And he’s spoilt.”
“How can you be so horrible?” cried Caitlyn.
She was bound to defend him. When you have an enormous crush on someone you can’t ever accept they have any faults. I love Sean dearly, but he is not a saint. Far from it!
“I’m just telling it like it is,” I said.
“You don’t know what happened,” said Caitlyn.
No, I didn’t. But I was thinking back to the other night, in Sean’s dressing room. Filled to the brim with a chattering horde of friends and admirers. What was it Danny had said?
You know Sean … he thrives on it! The more the merrier.
But he’d pulled a face as he’d said it. What if Danny wasn’t so keen on that way of life? Speaking for myself, I reckon I might quite like it. Posh parties, late-night suppers after the show, throngs of adoring fans clamouring for my autograph … Yesss! My sort of thing! On the other hand, I do accept it might not suit everyone. Danny was very different from Sean; Sean had always been madly sociable. Mum used to say if he wasn’t careful he would burn himself out. Not that he ever took the least bit of notice. Sean never takes any notice of anyone; just does his own thing, regardless. So if Danny would rather they had a life that was a bit more private, too bad!
I could sort of see it from Sean’s point of view. It is incredibly demanding, being a dancer. Even if you are one of the stars you still have to have class every day. And then there are rehearsals, and costume calls, and interviews, and photographs, not to mention constant physio sessions for all the aches and the pains and the pulled muscles that dancers are never free from. And that is without the actual performances several times a week. It wasn’t any wonder Sean felt the need to go a bit wild in his time off. I felt sure I would be exactly the same.
I tried explaining some of this to Caitlyn. “Nobody can be disciplined all of the time – well, most people can’t. Mum says she was. Madam probably was. But Sean doesn’t work that way.”
“So what you’re saying is,” said Caitlyn, “it’s not his fault, it’s just him and Danny wanting different things.”
“Yes! Well – maybe.”
“Don’t you think that’s sad?” said Caitlyn.
I did think it was sad cos I really loved Danny. We all loved Danny! He was like one of the family. Mum had always said he was good for Sean on account of being a bit older and a whole lot more sensible – which is something Sean isn’t. But I did think Sean could at least have given way a little. Like just going a bit wild, every now and then. He didn’t have to do it every single night!
“Know what?” I said. “I reckon you ought to go and talk to Danny.”
“Me?” She recoiled, in horror. “I couldn’t talk to Danny!”
I said, “Why not? He won’t mind. You’re in favour at the moment.”
“But it isn’t any of my business!”
“I thought you said it was sad?”
“It is, but it’s between him and Sean.”
“Yes, and left to themselves they’ll never get anywhere!”
“Maybe you could talk to him,” said Caitlyn. She looked at me, pleadingly. “You’ve known him a lot longer than I have.”
“Not that much longer,” I said, “and anyway, I’m not the one in favour. You’re the one he’s putting in his book. Some people,” I said, “might even think you owe him.”
I could see from the expression on her face – what I call her Dying Swan look – that I’d succeeded in making her feel a bit guilty, but still she wouldn’t budge. She just kept shaking her head and saying she couldn’t; it was between him and Sean.
When I got home I found Dad downstairs in what we call the family room. Half of it’s kitchen and half of it is where we eat and chill out. I said, “Dad?”
Dad said, “Maddy?” He was sprawled on an old sofa, drinking coffee.
I sank down next to him. “Dad,” I said, “Can I ask you something?”
“Ask away!”
I don’t usually go to Dad with problems as he is not very good at solving them. He is good at making ballets, but he is not really a people person – and this was definitely a people problem. But Dad was the only person there so I took a breath and plunged in.
“It’s about Sean,” I said.
“What about him?”
“I think he’s behaving like an idiot!”
“How surprising,” said Dad. “What’s he done now?”
“Him and Danny,” I said.
“Oh. That,” said Dad.
What did he mean, oh that? Like it wasn’t anything important. This is what happens when you try to speak to Dad. He doesn’t understand. He is not at all a people person.
“I think someone ought to talk to him,” I said.
“You do?”
I nodded.
“And what would someone say?”
“Tell him to apologise, maybe?”
“Tell Sean to apologise?” Dad raised an eyebrow at me over his coffee mug. “And what do you think that would achieve?”
“It’s what I did one time,” I said. “When me and Livi had this terrible row and stopped talking. It went on for, like, ever and it was just so miserable I couldn’t bear it so in the end I went and said sorry, and she said sorry, and we kissed and made up and—”
“You think that’s what Sean should do?”
I said, “Yes!”
“And you really believe that if you tell him, he’ll go and do it?”
I said, “Yes! Well … he might.”
“Who might what?” said Mum, suddenly appearing at the bottom of the steps.
Dad shook his head. “Sean might say sorry and he and Danny might kiss and make up.”
“Really?” said Mum.
“They might if someone goes and talks to Sean.” I said it eagerly. Surely Mum would understand?
“She’s worried about him,” said Dad. “She thinks he’s behaving like an idiot.”
“He probably is,” agreed Mum. “It wouldn’t be the first time.”
“But, Mum,” I said, “it’s making him unhappy!” He would never have snapped at me if he hadn’t been unhappy. I didn’t like it when Sean snapped at me.
“Oh, Maddy, I know it’s sad,” said Mum, “but these things happen. It’s all part and parcel of human relationships.”
Dad set down his coffee mug. “‘The course of true love never did run smooth …’ That’s Shakespeare,” he said. “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”
“A stupid play!” I said it crossly. I didn’t want to talk about A Midsummer Night’s Dream. I wanted to talk about Sean and Danny.
“It makes a good ballet,” said Dad.
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sp; “A very good ballet,” said Mum. “It’s about time the Company staged a revival.”
“Either that or I do a totally new version.”
“That’s always a possibility. Who would you have in mind for Oberon? Do you think Sean’s weighty enough?”
“Not sure it’s his part. I’d have thought maybe one of the lovers?”
“Mm.” Mum thought about it. “That might work. And then you c—”
“Mum!” I screamed it at her.
“What?” She spun round. “Oh, yes, you wanted to talk about Sean … Quite honestly, sweetheart, I’d just forget about it, if I were you. He’s a big boy. Quite old enough to manage his life for himself. I doubt he’d thank any of us for interfering.” She turned back to Dad. “I take it you wouldn’t try to cover the whole play? I mean, would you be thinking two acts or just condensing into one?”
I made an angry noise, but already they were too busy planning Dad’s version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream to notice. I don’t think they even noticed when I went pounding noisily back up the basement steps. What was the matter with them all? Was I the only one who cared? Maybe, I thought, I should ring Jen. She was a people person!
I shut myself away in my bedroom and called her number. She answered at once, sounding bright and cheerful. A good sign!
“Hallo, Maddy! What’s up?”
I was about to launch straight in, but just in time managed to control myself. I said, “How’s James?”
I was only being polite. I’d seen him just a couple of days ago, when he’d been his usual bouncy baby self, so it wasn’t as if anything was likely to have changed. But mums always enjoy telling you about their babies and sometimes I think you have to be a little bit diplomatic and not just go barging in. Mum would have been proud of me!
“So, anyway,” said Jen, at last, “I don’t imagine you rang just to hear about James. What can I do for you?”
“I was wondering,” I said, “if you could go and have a word with Sean.”
“About what, exactly?” She was already sounding guarded. But I’d given her two whole minutes of baby talk! Surely that was enough?
“About him and Danny,” I said. “I thought if you could just go and talk some sense into him—”
“Talk sense into Sean? You have to be joking!”
“I’m not,” I said. “I’m deadly serious. I really think someone should go and talk to him.”
“Bad idea,” said Jen.
“But he’s unhappy! And he’s your brother.”
“He’s your brother, too.”
“Yes, but you’re older than he is. You’re his big sister! He’s more likely to listen to you.”
“Have you ever known Sean listen to anyone?” said Jen.
“You could at least try.”
“And get my head bitten off? No, thank you!”
“Mine’s already been bitten off,” I said.
“Well, there you go! You can’t run people’s lives for them, Mad; specially not Sean’s. Just take my advice and stay out of it cos he won’t thank you for sticking your nose in. Whatever’s gone wrong, it’s between him and Danny. It’s up to them to work it out. OK?”
No! It was not OK. I rang off, exasperated. That was Mum, Dad, Caitlyn, Jen … Was I really the only one who cared? The only one brave enough to actually do something?
It so wasn’t fair! I’d already had my head bitten off once. But what choice did I have? Somebody had to do something.
I waited till Sunday morning, when I thought I was most likely to find Sean at home. I wasn’t bold enough to tackle him on the telephone. I needed to be there, in person, to show him that I wasn’t just interfering: I was trying to help. I told Mum that I was meeting Caitlyn. I don’t know why I didn’t simply tell her straight out that I was going to see Sean. Maybe I thought she might try to stop me. “Oh, Maddy, I really wouldn’t advise it; I really don’t think you ought to!” Why were they all such cowards?
The flat that Sean and Danny shared was in a big apartment block just a few streets away. I was confident about going there. I’d been there loads of times! I’d even been invited to the house warming when they had first moved in. It wasn’t until I was actually standing outside on the pavement that the thought suddenly came to me: if they had split up, then Sean might not still be living there. I’d automatically assumed it would be Danny who’d moved out. Still, that was all right! So long as one of them was around. I could talk to Danny just as well as I could to Sean. In fact Danny might even be better. At least he wouldn’t bite my head off.
I went through the main entrance and up in the lift to the second floor. I was starting to feel a bit apprehensive, almost hoping that it was Danny who was still there. I hated being snarled at, especially when I hadn’t done anything to deserve it. But I reminded myself that it was Sean who’d stepped up and managed to convince Mum she ought to give Caitlyn an audition. We owed him big time. Both of us! Maybe I should have reminded Caitlyn how much he had done for her, though if she couldn’t even find the courage to talk to Danny, she’d never in a million years be brave enough to talk to Sean. Though I bet, I thought, as I pressed the doorbell, he wouldn’t bite her head off. Just because she was Caitlyn. I was only his sister, so I didn’t count.
I was about to ring the bell for a second time when the door opened. It was Sean who peered out. He was blinking, and looked half asleep.
“Oh,” he said, “it’s you. What d’you want?”
Not very encouraging.
“Can I come in?” I said.
“Wait.” The door slammed shut. I was already beginning to wish I hadn’t come. He was obviously in a foul mood.
“Right.” The door opened a crack. “In! Sit.” He pointed at an armchair. I obediently bounced myself down. “So. What can I do for you?”
“You look awful,” I said. He was all tousled and unshaven and bleary-eyed. And still in his dressing gown. At this time of the morning!
“People tend to look awful,” said Sean, “when they’ve only had three hours’ sleep and some idiot comes clattering at the door.”
“You didn’t have to open it,” I said. Unless maybe he’d thought it was Danny. That could be a hopeful sign! “Why have you only had three hours’ sleep? Were you at a party?”
“What’s this?” he said. “Some kind of interrogation? Yes! I was at a party. All right?”
“You’re always at parties,” I said.
A look of extreme irritation crossed his face. “And how,” he said, “is that any business of yours?”
“It isn’t,” I said.
“Thank you! I’m glad you recognise the fact. Now, once again, what can I do for you?”
I took a breath. “Can I say something without you getting mad at me?”
“I have no idea! Why not try it and see?”
“OK!” I took another breath. “It’s just … I was wondering …”
“Yes?”
“If maybe Danny doesn’t like parties as much as you do!”
I knew immediately that I’d gone too far. Very coldly he said, “And you think that is any of your business?”
I sort of did, but I was starting to get a bit flustered. Maybe Jen had been right and I should have stayed out of it. Not that I was frightened, exactly, cos I mean it was still Sean, even if I’d never seen him that angry before. Never really seen him angry at all. Sean just doesn’t get angry. He is usually very good-natured. I swallowed.
“You really think,” he said, “that it’s anything to do with you?”
I said, “No!” My voice came out as a sort of strangulated yelp. And then, to my horror, I heard it go burbling on: “I mean, yes, actually, if you want to know the truth! I do think it’s something to do with me, cos you’re my brother and Danny’s like family and we all love him and I just hate it when people break up, it makes me really unhappy and I bet Danny’s unhappy, too! I bet you are, as well, only you’re just so pigheaded and everybody’s too scared to say anything so—”
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“So you thought you should be the one to come here and lecture me? Oh, get out!” He yanked open the door. “Go on. Just get out before I lose my temper!”
“Thought you already had,” I muttered, as I made my way back down the stairs. I just hoped he wouldn’t tell Mum or Dad. Or Jen. They’d be bound to say, “I told you so”. Mum might even tell me off for interfering. And it wasn’t even as if I’d achieved anything! Probably just made him even more pigheaded.
Slowly, dragging my feet, I wandered back home. I was almost there when my phone beeped. I pulled it out and looked at it. It was a text, from Sean.
I’m sorry I snapped at you and btw you are NOT FAT. Sean xxx
Oh! I came to a halt, in the middle of the pavement. He wasn’t mad at me any more! And btw you are NOT FAT.
I did a little skip. Sean had apologised and I wasn’t fat! If I had been, he would have told me. But he hadn’t and I wasn’t and tomorrow, if I wanted, I could eat chips! Caitlyn had been right all along: Danny couldn’t have chosen me. It was nothing to do with me being fat, nothing to do with Caitlyn being better. He simply couldn’t afford to be accused of favouritism. I could see that! It was all perfectly simple. Still annoying, cos I still didn’t think people should be rewarded for wrong behaviour. It was shocking bad manners to pose like that in a crowded foyer! Still, maybe it was better he’d picked Caitlyn rather than someone like Tiffany. I could hardly be jealous of Caitlyn. I was her mentor! If she was doing well, it ought to make me proud and happy.
I was proud and happy. I really was! Even if she had behaved badly.
Suddenly it was half-term. I couldn’t believe we had been at ballet school for so long. Six weeks – and they had just flown past! Livi and Jordan had rung me again to arrange a day when we could all get together.
“We so want you to meet this girl,” said Livi. “The one that does the ice dancing?”
“Sonya,” said Jordan. “Sonya Williams. You might have heard of her. She’s very famous!”
I felt like saying, “In ice dancing circles, maybe.” I certainly hadn’t heard of her. But then I didn’t know anything about ice dancing.
“We’ll ask her to come along,” said Livi. “We’re dying to know what you think!”