by Jean Ure
I gave this big bright smile and said, “Yes, I’m fine!” Unfortunately I felt my eyes filling with tears even as I said it.
“Hey!” Sean put an arm round me and gave me a hug. “What’s wrong?”
I said, “Everything!”
“Oh, now, come on, chin up,” said Sean. “It can’t be as bad as all that!”
“It’s worse,” I sobbed. The tears by now were spilling over and making waterfalls down my cheeks. I tilted my head back, trying to stop them. “It’s the end of everything!”
“Want to tell me about it?”
“I can’t!” I shook my head vigorously, spraying tears everywhere. “Not here.”
A couple of senior students were coming along the corridor. They glanced at me curiously as they passed.
“OK,” said Sean, “I’ll tell you what … I’m not on tonight so how about I take you home with me, give you a cup of tea and you pour out all your troubles. How’s that?”
I sniffed, and wiped the back of my hand across my nose. “I don’t like tea!”
“So whaddya want? Whisky?”
Startled, I said, “Really?”
“No, not really! You can make do with what you’re given.”
“Mango juice?” I said. “I love mango juice!”
“Whatever we happen to have in the fridge! Don’t be so picky. You either want to get things off your chest or—”
“I do,” I said, “I do!”
“So come on, then, let’s go.”
“Will Danny be there?” I said, as we walked to the Underground.
“Probably not, I think he’s working. Why? Did you want him to be?”
I said, “No! Just you.”
He squeezed my hand. “Don’t worry, we’ll get things sorted.”
“You can’t,” I said. “Nobody can!”
“Don’t be such a drama queen,” said Sean. “Let’s just wait and see.”
Once at the flat, Sean sat me down on the sofa with a glass of lemonade – “Sorry, no mango juice, but at least this has bubbles,” – and pulled up a chair.
“Right! Tell me what’s happened.”
I took a deep, trembly breath. “It’s Miss Hickman,” I said.
“What about her?”
“She hates me!”
“She hates a lot of people,” said Sean.
“But she hates me specially!”
“So tell me about it! I’m here, I’m listening … what’s she done? I can’t help you, Mads, if you won’t tell me what’s upset you. Dry your eyes, blow your nose, have a sip of lemonade – and off you go!”
Once I got started, the words just came tumbling out. How Carey had wanted me for the part of the Spanish Doll, but Miss Hickman had said she couldn’t cos she didn’t think I was committed enough, and now she was saying that maybe she wouldn’t let me be in the Gala at all and she might even ask me to leave if my attitude didn’t change, and all I’d done was just go ice skating, and if Caitlyn hadn’t told her she wouldn’t even have known and it wasn’t like I’d broken anything, it was only a bruise, and if she’d let me dance the Spanish Doll like Carey had wanted I wouldn’t have gone skating in the first place, I only went cos I was really upset, cos I should have been the Spanish Doll, everybody said so, even Miss Hickman said I was right for it, and now the girl that had been going to dance it instead of me was off sick and she still wouldn’t let me have the part. “She’s not even thinking about what’s best for Carey’s ballet! She just wants to punish me.”
Sean listened, gravely, as I poured out the story. Unlike Mum and Dad, he is a very easy person to confide in. It’s true that for most of the time we have this kind of jokey relationship, where he teases me and I respond with what he calls smart mouth, but I always know that he’ll be there for me if I need him.
“It seems to me,” he said, at last, “that Liz Hickman’s definitely got it in for you. You’ve obviously rubbed her up the wrong way – which is a very easy thing to do. I’ve done it myself, on several occasions. The woman has no sense of humour whatever. On the other hand, of course, she does have right on her side: it was pretty stupid to go skating this near the Gala. I can understand why you did it, and I’m sure she can, too. Anyone else might have given you a bit of a talking to and left it at that. She’s obviously bent on teaching you a lesson. The thing you have to understand about Liz Hickman is that if she can break a person, she will. There are those like Caitlyn, who don’t need to be broken; she’ll happily toe the line. Then there are others, like you, who’ll fight her all the way. She doesn’t care for that. But if you can come through it—”
“Like you did.”
“It was easier for me. We had our spats, but she treats men differently. We’re still at a bit of a premium.”
“What’s—” I hiccupped. “What’s that mean?”
“It means that even today there are probably a thousand little girls desperate to do ballet for every ten boys. She couldn’t afford to be too high-handed. But one thing I do think you have to ask yourself is whether there’s any possibility she’s right … Are you totally committed?”
“I am,” I said, “I am! I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m not.”
“Who thinks you’re not? Apart from Liz Hickman.”
“Mum does! Well, she used to. It’s why she wouldn’t let me go full-time until I was thirteen, cos she didn’t think I had enough discipline. And Caitlyn! She thinks I’ve had it too easy. She said that’s why it doesn’t mean as much to me as it does to her.”
“I guess in one sense,” said Sean, “that could be true. You’ve always grown up with the knowledge that you’ll become a dancer. For her it was just a dream.”
“But I was the one who helped her! If it hadn’t been for me—”
“It would still be just a dream. I hear you.”
“So how could she be so horrible? Even if she was jealous!”
“You think she was jealous?”
“Why else would she have done it?”
Sean frowned. “Are you absolutely certain it was Caitlyn?”
“She’s the only one it could be!”
Sean was silent a moment. “Have you actually asked her about it?”
“No! I don’t want to talk to her.”
“Hmm.” He gazed at me, thoughtfully. “What is Caitlyn doing for the Gala?”
The tears came welling back up. “She’s got a s-solo.”
“So she really has no reason to be jealous? It sounds as if she’s doing quite well.”
“Thanks to me!”
“It’s true you might have been the one who got her started, but let’s face it, since then she’s made her own way. Be fair!”
I didn’t want to be fair. She hadn’t been; why should I? I found a bit of crumpled tissue in my pocket and tugged it out. It immediately tore in half, which set me sobbing all over again.
“What am I going to say to Mum?”
“Can I make a suggestion?” said Sean. “If I were you, I wouldn’t say anything to Mum. Not at this moment. Give it twenty-four hours. The woman might have a change of heart.”
“She hasn’t got a heart!”
“What passes for a heart. Alternatively she might just simmer down and have a rethink. It doesn’t really make much sense to stop you dancing. It’s not just punishing you, but punishing whatever her name is – Carey? It’s punishing her, as well. That’s hardly very fair. I wonder if I should go and have a word with her?”
“With Miss Hickman?”
“Well, or I could take it directly to Madam if you like. She’s a bit of a tartar, but she’ll listen to reason. What do you think? Shall I give it a go?”
I so wanted to say yes. “Yes, yes! Give it a go!” Sean was one of Madam’s favourites. If anyone could get round her, he could. And Madam’s word was law. Miss Hickman might be Head of Dance, but it was Madam who ran the Company. On the other hand …
“You’re looking doubtful,” said Sean. “Do you not want me to?”
“Look, I’m happy to do it,” said Sean. “I’m not saying you haven’t been a bit irresponsible and I don’t doubt you deserved a good talking to, but this is way over the top. Let me go and speak to Madam.”
I struggled for a moment. If you’ve got connections, why not use them? That was what I’d always felt. But if Sean spoke to Madam and Madam spoke to Miss Hickman, might that not make Miss Hickman hate me even more?
I was still struggling when we heard the sound of the front door being opened.
“That’ll be Danny,” said Sean.
I caught at his arm. “Don’t say anything!”
“You mean to Danny or to Madam?”
“Maybe both?” I said.
“Fair enough, if that’s what you want. I’ll be silent as the grave! Now, let’s get you home, and in the meantime, just hang loose, don’t mention anything to Mum, and we’ll see what happens. OK?”
“OK.” I blotted again at my eyes. I was glad we were going to keep things secret, though I couldn’t help wondering whether Sean would say anything to Danny when they were alone together. I thought he probably would cos when people are couples they always seem to tell each other everything. Up until today I’d always told Caitlyn everything. Not any more! I wasn’t sure I could even bear to speak to her again.
I managed to spend most of next morning not speaking. To Caitlyn, that is. I spoke to lots to other people, just not to her. She seemed puzzled, though I couldn’t imagine why. Did she seriously think that I would want to speak to her, after what she’d done?
At break I deliberately moved away when she came anywhere near. I couldn’t have made it more obvious that I wanted nothing to do with her, but at lunchtime she still came and sat next to me, same as usual. Some people, I thought, just couldn’t take a hint.
“Is everything all right?” she said.
For a moment I was tempted to ask someone further down the table to change seats with me, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to do so. People would wonder what was wrong, and I didn’t see that it was any of their business.
“Maddy?” Caitlyn was looking at me with a worried frown. “Are you OK?”
I said, “What do you think?”
How was I supposed to be OK when my best friend had gone behind my back and got me into trouble? When I probably wasn’t going to be in the Gala at all, not even as a stupid Clown, and might actually be in danger of being thrown out? And then she asked me if I was OK?
“Did you know,” she said, “that Miki Karashima’s got glandular fever?”
I grunted.
“Her name’s still on the cast list, but apparently she’s going to be off for the rest of the term, so maybe you’ll get to dance the Spanish Doll after all!”
I didn’t say anything to that, just speared a bit of lettuce off my plate.
“They’ll have to decide soon,” said Caitlyn.
I speared another bit of lettuce. Horrible boring stuff!
“If you’re talking about Miss Hickman,” I said, “she’s already decided.”
“So are you going to get the part?”
I said, “Of course I’m not going to get the part!” Did she honestly believe that Miss Hickman would give it to me? Now?
“But … why not?”
Why did she think? Silently I held up my wrist.
“So it’s only a bruise! Didn’t you tell her? It’s not going to stop you dancing!”
I said, “No, she is.”
“She’s going to stop you dancing?”
Caitlyn’s eyes were full of concern. Pretend concern.
“It seems you were right,” I said. “I’m not committed enough.”
I obviously said it louder than I intended. A startled silence fell over the table. Eyes swivelled in my direction.
“According to Miss Hickman,” I said.
“She actually said that?” Roz’s voice had gone all shrill with indignation. “She said you weren’t committed enough? Just because you hurt your wrist?”
“It was hardly your fault,” said Alex. “Some great clumsy idiot goes crashing into you, how are you to blame?”
“You did tell her how it happened?”
Pointedly, not looking at Caitlyn, I said, “I didn’t have to. She already knew. So how—”
“Omigod!” Amber’s voice suddenly came screeching up from the far end of the table. She clapped a hand to her mouth and stared, wide-eyed and dramatic, over the top of it. “Omigod, I’m so sorry! What have I done?”
The eyes all switched from me to Amber. It was Caitlyn, in a small, accusing voice, who said, “What have you done?”
“I told Miss Eldon!”
“Told her what?” I said.
“About the … you know! The ice skating?”
I flicked a glance at Caitlyn. I could see she was every bit as taken aback as I was.
“I didn’t mean to,” said Amber. “Honestly! It just slipped out.”
“How’s it supposed to have done that?” said Caitlyn. “‘Just slipped out?’”
“It just did!” Amber rolled her eyes, wildly. “She was asking me how my toe was, cos you know I stubbed it and it went all blue? So we got talking about injuries and I said how Maddy’s wrist looked really bad, but at least it wasn’t broken, which it could well have been, cos I mean, like, accidents on the ice can be quite dangerous, especially for a dancer, which was why Caitlyn had tried to stop … Oops!” She clamped a hand back to her mouth.
“You brought me into it?” said Caitlyn.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry! Me and my big mouth! It’s just that we were talking and I said how you’d tried to stop her and—”
“Who told you that?” I said.
“My friend Sonya? She felt really bad! She said she thought afterwards she shouldn’t have let you do it, but you really seemed to want to and if it hadn’t been for that stupid boy you’d have been OK. She said you were really good! She was really impressed.”
“What did Miss Eldon say? When you told her,” said Caitlyn. “Was she cross?”
“She didn’t sound it. Not specially.”
“So what did she say?”
“She just said … ‘So Maddy went ice skating and had an accident.’ Or something like that. I can’t remember exactly.”
“And then she went and told Miss Hickman.”
“Well … yes. I suppose.”
“Omigod, you are such an idiot!” cried Alex.
I thought at first she meant me, but it seemed she was talking to Amber.
Amber hung her head. “I truly didn’t mean to,” she said.
“I don’t see why you should have to apologise,” said Tiffany. “If she hadn’t gone skating in the first place, it wouldn’t have happened.”
“Oh, shut up,” said Roz. “Stop being so self-righteous!”
They were all on my side, except for Tiffany. Even Amber seemed genuinely sorry for what she’d done.
“D’you think it really did just slip out?” said Caitlyn, as we left the refectory together.
I thought about it. I didn’t much care for Amber, but I didn’t want to falsely accuse her. I know from experience how easy it is to just open your mouth and say things that you later wish you hadn’t.
“I can’t believe she’d do it on purpose,” I said. “I mean … why would she?”
Caitlyn didn’t say anything to that. She didn’t have to. The look she gave me said it all: Why did you think that I had done it? She obviously didn’t want to ask the question any more than I wanted to answer it. I think we both felt it would be better not to talk about it. We were back to being friends again; that was what mattered.
“Was Miss Hickman really mad at you?” said Caitlyn.
“Absolutely furious! She says I’ll be lucky to be in the Gala at all.”
“But that’s so not fair! All you did was just go ice skating
.”
“It wasn’t only the ice skating.” I drew a breath, warding off tears. This was Caitlyn, not Sean. I couldn’t cry all over Caitlyn! “Carey wanted me for the Spanish Doll right from the start, but Miss Hickman wouldn’t let her have me cos she said –” I drew another breath – “she said my attitude wasn’t right. She said it was the reason they didn’t accept me straight away like they did you. She said I was a borderline case and they nearly didn’t offer me a place at all. It’s like what you said.” I pressed my fingers under my eyes, keeping the tears held in. “I’ve had it too easy!”
“I shouldn’t have said that,” said Caitlyn. “You were right: I was just jealous.”
I shook my head, vehemently. “I never believed that for one moment! It was a horrid thing to accuse you of.”
“I was a bit envious, though,” said Caitlyn.
“Well!” I gave a little laugh. Tried to give a little laugh. “You don’t have to be envious now. You’re more likely to be the one who ends up in the Company, not me. I’ll be lucky if I even get to come back next term!”
Next morning, as I was on my way out, Mum asked me the question I’d been dreading: “Have you heard yet what you’ll be doing for the Gala?”
“Um … no,” I said. “Not yet.”
Mum frowned. “They’re leaving it rather late, aren’t they?”
“It’s only short little bits and pieces,” I said. “Nothing longer than about ten minutes. It doesn’t take much to learn.”
“I would remind you,” said Mum, “that even something which only lasts ten minutes can be a little gem. In fact the shorter it is, the more it’s up to you to make sure that every step counts – not just for your own satisfaction, but for your choreographer, as well. It’s a showpiece for both of you. You need to take it seriously! Don’t just dismiss it as bits and pieces.”
I met up with Caitlyn on the way in to school. “Mum’s been lecturing me,” I said.
“About what?” said Caitlyn.
I pulled a face. “The Gala. She doesn’t think I’m taking it seriously. I don’t know what she’s going to say when she discovers I’m not even in it.”
“Oh, but, Maddy, you will be! You must be! I can’t believe even Miss Hickman would be mean enough to stop you dancing.”