by Jean Ure
“She could.” I said it glumly. “It’s what she was threatening … She mightn’t even let Carey have me as one of her stupid Clowns.”
“Your name was still up there yesterday,” said Caitlyn.
“Yes, I know, but so was Miki’s,” I said. “And she’s definitely not going to be able to dance.”
“Let’s go and look!” Caitlyn darted ahead of me, down the stairs towards the bulletin boards. “See if anything’s changed.”
Nothing had: Miki’s name was still there as the Spanish Doll and I was still there as one of the Clowns.
“That’s got to be a good sign,” said Caitlyn. “It must mean she’s still considering. Don’t you think?”
“Maybe,” I said. I didn’t hold out much hope. Miss Hickman had made it very clear: she didn’t believe I deserved a part in the Gala. Why would she change her mind?
We passed Carey on our way back up the stairs. She didn’t say anything, just pursed her lips and rather coolly shook her head. I wondered if she was also going to look at the bulletin boards – or whether, maybe, she had heard from Miss Hickman and it was not good news.
At lunchtime, for some reason, Caitlyn didn’t appear so I sat next to Alex, who was still full of indignation on my behalf.
“It’s that beastly, Amber,” she said, though she didn’t actually say the word beastly, she said another word that we’re not supposed to use. I had used it once when I got a bit overheated about something. Actually I’d used two words: one beginning with B and one with H. Both equally bad. Apparently. One of the teachers had taken me aside and said, “We don’t employ that sort of language, Maddy, no matter how strongly we feel.”
It was not unusual for me to be told off; I just seem to be the sort of person who naturally does everything wrong. Alex, on the other hand, almost never does, so I knew how cross she had to be with Amber and her great clacking tongue.
“It’s so unfair,” she said. “You work just as hard as the rest of us! How can they accuse you of not being committed, just because of this one thing?”
I said, “It’s not just this one thing. They’ve always thought I’m not committed, right from the beginning.”
“But why?”
“It’s because of who you are,” said Chloe. “Cos of your mum and dad, and everything. They probably reckon you need keeping down in case you get too grand and start thinking you’re someone special.”
I was indignant. “I’ve never in my life thought I’m anyone special!”
“No, but you know what they’re like. It’s the way their minds work. If they don’t stamp on you now and again, they’re scared you’ll get above yourself.”
“Now and again would be one thing,” said Alex. “But not letting her dance in the Gala? That’s just spiteful!”
“Oh, what does it matter?” I suddenly felt that all the fight had gone out of me. Miss Hickman obviously thought I was worthless; even Mum had had her doubts. “Maybe they’re right, maybe I’m not committed enough. I’ll probably end up doing topless dancing in some sleazy nightclub.”
Someone giggled. Alex stared at me, reproachfully.
“That would be a total waste.”
“But fun,” said Chloe.
“It wouldn’t be fun!” Alex rounded on her, angrily. “It’d be utterly stupid. She only said it cos she’s trying to be brave and pretend she doesn’t care.”
I said, “Maybe I really don’t care.”
Just for a moment, I almost didn’t. What more did they want from me? I’d never resented criticism; I’d never relied on family connections; I hadn’t even let Sean go and talk to Madam. I’d always done the very best I could. And still it wasn’t enough!
Darkly Roz said, “There’s always people they have it in for. Look at Kate Kelly! She said in her autobiography how she thought she was going to be thrown out cos for some reason they took against her, and then she ended up one of the stars of the Company! It just goes to show.”
“Yes. Well.” They were all being so supportive! I blinked, rapidly, and quickly changed the subject. “Does anyone happen to know where Caitlyn is? Has anyone seen her?”
It seemed that nobody had. I wondered where she could have gone. She’d been there all morning and then just disappeared, without a word to anyone. She arrived in the refectory just as we were leaving.
“Where have you been?” I said. “You haven’t had any lunch!”
“I know, I’m going to go and grab a sandwich. I’m sorry, I should have told you. I was called for an extra rehearsal.”
I said, “Oh. How’s it going?”
I had to force myself to ask. I really didn’t care any more. About anything.
Caitlyn said brightly that things were going well. “Joyce is really easy to work with.”
“Joyce Wang?” said Mei. “Didn’t I see her having lunch?”
“Oh! Yes, well, you might have done. She wasn’t actually at the rehearsal. It was just me. I wanted to run through things by myself and make sure I’d got it right. You know?”
Caitlyn’s face had turned a giveaway pink. She was making it up! She hadn’t been at an extra rehearsal at all. I looked at her, suspiciously. What was going on? Was she trying to keep something from me? Some sort of good news that she didn’t want me to know about … Surely she couldn’t have been chosen to appear in Nutcracker? I could see it would be difficult, breaking it to me. She probably thought I would be hurt. Even jealous, which was what I’d accused her of. But I wouldn’t be! I really wouldn’t! I wouldn’t let myself. It would be very hard to bear, though.
At the end of the afternoon someone gave me a message from Miss Preedy: Miss Hickman wanted to see me before I went home. I didn’t know what to think. She had obviously come to some sort of decision … but what?
I told Caitlyn to go on without me. “There’s no point hanging around.”
“I can wait for you,” she said.
“No,” I said, “don’t! If it’s bad news, I’ll just want to run away and hide.”
“But it might not be bad news! I’ll wait,” said Caitlyn, “and if you don’t want to talk you can just pull a face, like this –” she turned down the corners of her mouth – “and I’ll walk away. On the other hand, if you give a big smile – like this …”
I didn’t even want to think about it. It was a lovely fantasy, but I couldn’t afford to indulge in it. Better to face up to reality and prepare for the worst.
Heart hammering, I delivered myself to Miss Preedy.
“Ah,” she said, “you got my message. Miss Hickman’s expecting you; you can go straight in.”
“Madeleine.” Miss Hickman studied me across the acres of her desk. “No need to sit down; this won’t take long.”
I swallowed. My heart was banging and thudding, hurling itself about inside my ribcage. I tried to take a steadying breath, but all I could manage were a few quick gulps of air.
“Much against my better judgement,” said Miss Hickman, “I have allowed myself to be swayed by some very persuasive pleading on your behalf.”
Sean.
“Oh,” I cried, “I told him not to!”
Miss Hickman raised an eyebrow. “I’m sorry?”
“Sean! I told him not to! I didn’t want you thinking I was asking for special treatment just cos of him being in the Company, and cos of Mum and Dad, and …” My voice trailed off, into a self-pitying whimper. “I did tell him!”
“I’m glad to hear that,” said Miss Hickman. “I would certainly not have reacted well. As it happens, however, it was not Sean; it was Caitlyn.”
Caitlyn? She was the one who had spoken up for me?
“She is a very loyal friend,” said Miss Hickman. “She was telling me how you had helped her, and about the sacrifice you had made, letting her take your place in your school’s end-of-term show so that your mother could see what she was capable of. If it hadn’t been for you, I gather she would not be here with us today.”
I squirmed, uncomfortably. I
didn’t know what to say.
“I was, of course, partly aware,” said Miss Hickman. “I knew she’d had a late start and a bit of a struggle. I just didn’t realise how great a part you had played. So!” Miss Hickman sat back on her chair. “The decision I have reached is this: you will be allowed to participate in the Gala and you will be allowed to dance the part for which Carey originally wanted you. It is, as I say, against my better judgement – I still have grave misgivings, so I would caution you, Maddy, to take to heart the warning you have been given and prove yourself worthy of this second chance. Do I make myself clear?”
I swallowed again. I said, “Yes, Miss Hickman.”
“Very well. I have informed Carey and she is looking forward to working with you. Please be sure not to let her down.”
“I won’t,” I said. “Honestly!”
“Right. Well, off you go, then – and whatever you do, no more ice skating, please.”
I said, “No, Miss Hickman.”
As I left the Office, trying not to make my step too springy or my smile too broad, Miss Preedy said, “All right?” And she gave a little nod of encouragement, almost like she was happy for me.
Caitlyn was waiting at the exit as promised. She searched my face, anxiously. I sent her a big beam.
“It’s all right! It’s OK!”
“Oh, Maddy, I’m so glad!” Caitlyn flung her arms round me. “That is such a relief! I couldn’t bear the thought of you not being in the Gala! I don’t suppose she’s letting you have the part you wanted?”
“She is! She actually says I can dance the Spanish Doll!”
A look of satisfaction appeared on Caitlyn’s face. “I knew she would!”
“I honestly don’t think she was going to,” I said. “It’s only thanks to you.”
“Me? I didn’t do anything!”
“You spoke to her,” I said. “She told me.”
“Oh! She didn’t have to do that.”
“She said you’d pleaded with her. I thought at first it was Sean! He wanted to have a word with Madam for me, but I wouldn’t let him. I don’t know how you found the courage. Even Sean’s terrified of Miss Hickman!”
Not quite true, but I did think it was incredibly loyal of Caitlyn.
She blushed. “I had to at least try,” she said. “I couldn’t let her treat you that way after all you’d done for me.” She suddenly looked uncertain. “I hope you didn’t mind?”
I said, “Mind?” How could she think I would mind?
“If you didn’t want Sean to do it.”
“Only because he’s family,” I said. “It’s different if it’s a friend.”
“That’s what I thought.” Caitlyn nodded, happily. “It’s what friends are for. You didn’t really think I was the one that gave you away, did you?”
It was my turn to blush.
“Don’t worry,” said Caitlyn. “Even I couldn’t think how she’d found out … I just knew it wasn’t me!”
The first thing I did on arriving home was tell Mum.
“The cast lists have gone up for the Gala. I’m dancing a Spanish Doll! The Spanish Doll. There’s only one,” I assured her.
“Excellent,” said Mum. “Sounds like fun. What about Caitlyn? What’s she doing?”
“Oh, some winter thing … the Spirit of Winter. Actually,” I said, “it’s a solo.”
“Good for her,” said Mum. “Good for both of you! I’m glad to know you’re doing well.”
The next thing I did, after telling Mum, was ring Sean.
“ … and she said I can dance the original part I was wanted for and I thought it was cos you’d gone and talked to Madam like you said, but it wasn’t, it was Caitlyn, I couldn’t believe it, I—”
“Hang about, hang about,” said Sean. “I can’t believe you thought it was me! You expressly told me not to. You really thought I’d go against your wishes?”
“I just couldn’t imagine who else it would be!”
“Like you just couldn’t imagine who else could have told on you? I’m assuming you got that one wrong, as well, and that it wasn’t Caitlyn at all.”
I said, “No, it was some stupid girl in my year who’s friends with the girl I went skating with. It just seemed like it had to be Caitlyn cos there wasn’t anybody else that knew. I mean, I didn’t think there was anybody else that knew, and neither did she, as a matter of fact, but then we’d sort of had words so …”
“So I take it you’ve kissed and made up?”
“No, cos we didn’t quarrel,” I said. “Not like you and Danny. We just said things.”
“Oh! So that makes it all right, does it? You don’t mind laying down the law to others!”
“I wasn’t laying down the law, I was trying to help! And I am extremely grateful to you,” I said, “for letting me cry all over you the other day.”
“No problem! I reckon I owed you one. Interfering busybody though you are, it must have taken some courage to come barging your way in and have a go at me when I was all … what was it you called me? All mean and miserable?”
“You were,” I said. “You were mean as could be!”
“Well, it was very brave of you,” said Sean. “Just as it was very brave of Caitlyn to beard the Hickman in her den. I hope you’ve thanked her?”
“Not properly,” I said. “But I’ve just had the most brilliant idea! Something that would be beyond her wildest dreams.”
“What’s that?”
“If you and Danny could come to the end-of-term Gala? She would so love it if you were there to see her dance! It could be my way of saying thank you.”
Sean said, “Your way?” He sounded faintly amused for some reason.
“It’s not much to ask,” I said.
“No, and I’d be quite happy to come. There’s only one small problem: it’s strictly just for staff and students.”
“I’m sure if you had a word with Madam–”
“Oh! So now she wants me to pull favours!”
“For Caitlyn,” I begged. “Not for me. Please, Sean! She’d be over the moon.”
“Well, I suppose if you put it that way … OK, OK, I’ll see what I can do. You just go and kiss and make up!”
I was so happy being the Spanish Doll! I loved it so much. I felt sorry for poor Miki with her glandular fever, but I couldn’t help being glad that it was me dancing the part and not her, especially as everyone kept saying how right I was for it. Even Carey! She told me that it was me who’d originally inspired her. She said she’d been searching for a suitable subject for her Gala piece when she’d happened to glance through the glass panels of the door to Studio Three one day when we were having class with Mr Alessandro.
“You were doing one of the dances from Three-Cornered Hat, and you were the one I found myself watching. I knew immediately that I wanted to use you. I wasn’t quite sure how; I just knew that it had to be something Spanish. So then I thought of Ballet of the Dolls, and that’s how it all came about. You,” said Carey, “were my muse!”
I couldn’t wait to get home that afternoon to tell Mum and Dad.
“You’ll never guess,” I said. “I’m a muse!”
They both looked a bit puzzled.
“Amused by what?” said Mum.
“No, a muse,” I said. “I’m someone’s muse! Like when Dad gets inspired by people and writes ballets for them? I’ve had a ballet written for me! Well, not the whole ballet, but the part I’m dancing.”
“The Spanish Doll?” said Mum.
“Yes! Carey says she saw me when we were learning one of the dances from Three-Cornered Hat and knew immediately that she had to use me!”
“Excellent,” said Mum. “A great start to your career.”
“It’s how it happens,” agreed Dad. “Catch the eye of a budding choreographer and you’re all set. So long as you get on together …”
“We do!” I said.
“Well, that’s what’s needed,” said Dad. “Having faith in each other.”
<
br /> I hadn’t had much faith in poor Carey originally, when I thought I was going to be stuck as a stupid Clown. I felt guilty about it now, especially as I couldn’t have got it more wrong about the Clowns. They weren’t stupid at all. It was only when we had the final rehearsal and I got to see the full ballet for the first time that I realised. They were funny and clever and inventive. Their costumes were inventive, too. Part of the challenge of the end-of-term Gala was having to provide for ourselves. We couldn’t just trot along to Wardrobe and beg for something to wear, and we weren’t allowed to hire anything, or to spend more than five pounds, tops. The idea was that we should use our ingenuity and imagination.
It had been easy enough for me. I simply wore a flouncy skirt that Jen had given me – and that I had altered all by myself – with a long-sleeved leotard, my character shoes and a red fringed shawl that Mum had let me have. It was easy for Caitlyn, too. As the Spirit of Winter she had chosen all white: white leotard, white tights, white shoes, with white glitter in her hair. The only spot of colour was a spray of red berries.
It was a bit more difficult for some of the others. The Clowns, for example. They all had full clown make-up, with pointy hats made of cardboard and held on with elastic, and were wearing the grey sweatshirts and jogging pants that were part of our winter uniform, with pom-poms sewn on to the front of the sweatshirts. To get the clown effect they had obviously borrowed the pants from older students as they were all baggy and had to be kept up with braces. Instead of big clown boots they had on ordinary ballet shoes, which just added to the comic effect. We were all genuinely impressed, though I was still glad I wasn’t one of them!
The Gala was always held on the last Saturday of term, in the afternoon. I rang Sean the night before just to check that he and Danny were going to be there.
“So that we can be your treat?” said Sean. He still seemed to find it amusing, though I couldn’t think why. He and Danny were my treat: my treat for Caitlyn. It was my way of thanking her for what she had done. What was so funny about that?
“Oh, we’ll be there,” said Sean, “never fear. I’ve promised Madam we’ll hide ourselves away in the gallery and be quiet as mice.”