The Best of Miranda: Favourite episodes plus added treats – such fun!

by Miranda Hart

  STEVIE: Well that’s where you’re mistaken my massive friend. We say it in a silly way. Look, tell me you love me.

  MIRANDA: Love oo. (REALISES)

  STEVIE: Please say you’re finally getting this. What truly makes your heart skip?

  MIRANDA: Gary.

  STEVIE: How do you see Mike?

  INT. FLAT (FANTASY)

  Miranda is sitting on the sofa. Mike comes over with two cups of tea. Both are wearing dressing gowns.

  MIKE: There we go.

  Mike kisses her forehead.

  MUSIC OUT

  MUSIC IN

  ‘Relax’

  By Frankie Goes to Hollywood

  INT. SHOP

  STEVIE: How do you see Gary?

  INT. FLAT (FANTASY)

  Miranda is sitting on the sofa.

  Gary comes over in army bottoms, topless, like Rambo. Jumps onto the sofa and kisses her passionately.

  INT. SHOP

  STEVIE: Who do you love?

  MIRANDA: Gary. I’m in love with Gary!

  STEVIE: Yes! I’ve been waiting three years for this.

  They jump up and down. Jim enters from the kitchen.

  She said I love you.

  JIM: To who?

  MIRANDA: Gary. I love Gary. (TO CAMERA) I’m in love with Gary.

  JIM: Who’s Gary?

  MIRANDA & STEVIE: (SINGING) I’m on the top of the world, looking down on creation…

  JIM: Who’s Gary?

  MIRANDA & STEVIE: (SINGING) And the only explanation I can find…

  JIM: (SHOUTS) I demand to know who Gary is!

  MIRANDA: He’s an old friend from uni.

  STEVIE: She’s always loved him.

  MIRANDA: I want to tell him. Do you think he feels the same?

  STEVIE: Of course he feels the same. The minute Mike told you he loved you I clocked Gary’s face.

  STEVIE & MIRANDA: (SINGING) And the love that I’ve found…

  JIM: (SHOUTS) But wait, wait! You have to split up with Mike before you tell Gary.

  MIRANDA: Oh, how?

  STEVIE: Focus. Knock out your mimsy.

  MIRANDA: Hope that’s not a euphemism.

  STEVIE: Concentrate! Love is at stake.

  JIM: This is serious now!

  INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM

  Miranda is pacing.

  MIRANDA: I am a direct woman. I am soft, strong and very very long, no that’s loo paper.

  Mike knocks at the open door and enters.

  MIKE: Hi, I got your text.

  MIRANDA: Great, listen I need to speak to you.

  She ushers him to the sofa.

  Um, OK. Right, here is the thing, Mike. You are an amazing man and a wonderful boyfriend but I have to end—

  Mike gets a text.

  MIKE: Oh! Sorry. (LOOKS AT THE MESSAGE)

  Oh it’s Dad. Oh no! Daisy’s gone. Oh! Sorry I know she’s only a dog but I’m gonna have to go. Sorry, what were you saying?

  MIRANDA: Oh, it’s not important now.

  MIKE: Something about having to end.

  MIRANDA: Having to end a contract with BT and move to a new broadband package.

  MIKE: That’s what you wanted to tell me.

  MIRANDA: (DRAMATICALLY) It’s been very difficult, Mike.

  Mike exits.

  (TO CAMERA) This is getting out of control. I’m having to act!

  INT. SHOP

  Miranda and Mike walk down the stairs to the door.

  STEVIE: Aahh, Mike, she’s told you.

  MIRANDA: About me moving to a new broadband package. (NODDING AT STEVIE)

  STEVIE: Oh yes, yes, tough times.

  MIRANDA: Mike’s upset because his dog just died just now.

  JIM: Oh that is so annoying. Typical. Isn’t that annoying?

  MIKE: Who’s this?

  MIRANDA & STEVIE: We don’t know.

  Mike exits.

  MIRANDA: I thought I was about to say it. I’m ready to explode like an emotional balloon.

  STEVIE: Calm, you don’t need to tell Gary now. The only reason to panic was if Rose was getting her claws in.

  MIRANDA: She’s been texting!

  STEVIE: He’s not interested so wait till Mike feels better.

  JIM: Who’s Rose?

  Gary enters.

  GARY: Is everything all right?

  JIM: She’s an emotional balloon because she’s in love with Gary.

  MIRANDA: Gary Barlow. (POINTS AT STEVIE) She loves Gary Barlow.

  STEVIE: I love Gary Barlow.

  MIRANDA: (WHISPERS TO JIM) That’s Gary.

  JIM: Why does it keep happening?

  STEVIE: She loves Robbie Williams.

  JIM: I love Mark Owen. We’re a Take That tribute band.

  ALL: (SINGING) Relight my fire.

  JIM: (OVER THE TOP) Your love is my only desi…

  Miranda & Stevie stare. He stops.

  GARY: Lovely, Miranda just a quick one.

  MIRANDA: Yes please!

  GARY: I thought you were coming to help? But clearly you didn’t mean it, so do you know what? Don’t bother, Rose is coming.

  Miranda and Stevie and Jim scream. Gary screams and gets on a chair.

  What?

  He realises he’s embarrassed himself and exits.

  MIRANDA: I couldn’t love him more. Stupid Rose!

  JIM: (SHOUTING ANGRILY) Now, I demand to know who Rose is.

  STEVIE & MIRANDA: Gary’s ex. Keep up!

  STEVIE: Well you have to tell Gary now. Rose can’t get there first. You can’t miss the one thing that makes you happiest in the world. If I had a chance with my Gary I’d have (SINGING) One night, one night in heaven…

  MIRANDA: Oh, well. You have done yourself proud with this.

  STEVIE: I know.

  MIRANDA: OK, I’m gonna tell him. Febreeze me out.

  Stevie squirts Febreeze. Miranda walks through it. She turns with crossed fingers. Jim and Stevie cross fingers too.

  INT. RESTAURANT

  Gary is behind the bar. Miranda walks in.

  GARY: (NOT LOOKING UP) Oh we’re not open till seven, sorry.

  MIRANDA: It’s me.

  GARY: (ANNOYED) Oh, hi.

  MIRANDA: Hi. Listen, I’m so sorry I let you down earlier but by way of an apology I want to tell you that well Gary, I know I’ve being seeing Mike but I realise now that (TAKES A BREATH). Gary Preston…

  GARY: Oh my, Miranda, I don’t believe it.

  MIRANDA: Well let me say it.

  GARY: It’s Raymond Blanc!

  Miranda turns around.

  MIRANDA: (IN HIS FACE) Raymond bloody Blanc! I’ll Michel Roux the day I met you! (TO CAMERA) Oh! That was quite clever wasn’t it? You keep messing up my life.

  RAYMOND: And I am hiding from that crazy woman.

  GARY: Mr Blanc, Mr Blanc, hello, um sorry a bit star struck, err it’s actually my restaurant opening tonight, do you think you might be able to come?

  RAYMOND: Actually I’m looking for a restaurant to meet a friend tonight.

  GARY: Amazing!

  We see Penny in the coat stand.

  PENNY: Non, non, non!

  Miranda screams.

  Penny shuffles forward with coat stand attached.

  Raymond! Come to mon tennis dinner.

  MIRANDA: I have no idea who this woman is.

  (TO PENNY) Such fun.

  She exits.

  INT. SHOP

  JIM, STEVIE & MIRANDA: Ray ruddy White!

  MIRANDA: I have to get in there before Rose.

  STEVIE: She romances Gary. She gets him with sweeping gestures.

  STEVIE & MIRANDA: Think.

  JIM: Ooh, you’ve got to out – Rose Rose.

  STEVIE: Oh, yes! Romance is my area. I’m thinking picnic, champers, doves. Such is my allure, I naturally woo with every sense. The smell of my skin, the touch of my clothes, the sight of my cleavage.

  MIRANDA: Excuse me I am the woo-er here.

  STEVIE: Well I thought
you were desperate for my help but do go on.

  MIRANDA: Fine, I will. I can do this, I can woo with my every sense. The touch of my clothes, the, what was it? The smell of my underwear, the sound of my cleavage. OK, that’s wrong. You do it!

  STEVIE: Meet Gary in the park in two hours.

  JIM: This is the best day of my life!

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Bit weird.

  EXT. PARK

  Miranda has changed. She is sitting on a picnic rug. There is an ice bucket with champagne. Rose petals etc. She is trying to sit elegantly.

  MIRANDA: When did it get so hard to sit on the floor?

  She tries sitting cross-legged. Gary approaches.

  MIRANDA: Hi!

  She attempts a sexy lying position.

  GARY: What’s all this? I thought I was meeting Stevie.

  MIRANDA: It’s a gesture. From me. Not Stevie.

  GARY: Well that’s very kind but I’m really busy.

  MIRANDA: No Gary, wait, wait. I thought you might need a break and I wanted to say I’m so sorry about not helping. (HANDS HIM CHAMPAGNE)

  GARY: OK. Alright. Thank you.

  They sit.

  Can you hear music?

  Miranda looks confused. She looks up and sees Jim up the tree with a CD player.

  MIRANDA: No. No. No, look, um, look down. Look at this cream!

  GARY: What? I don’t want to look at —

  MIRANDA: Really closely, Gary.

  Miranda pushes the tub of strawberries and cream too close so his face goes in.

  Oh sorry. Sorry. Sorry, cream nose.

  A moment. Suddenly white geese appear.

  GARY: Where did the geese come from?

  Miranda looks around and sees Stevie in a bush doing thumbs up.

  Help.

  Miranda and Gary stand up. The geese come closer. Gary runs. Miranda chases after him. Then a goose chases her.

  MIRANDA: Ooh, they are scary. Stevie?

  STEVIE: (CHASING MIRANDA AND GARY) I couldn’t get doves!

  Gary hides behind a bush, as does Miranda.

  GARY: Is this your idea of a joke?

  MIRANDA: They’ve gone.

  They come out of the bush.

  They’re back!

  The geese chase them all.

  STEVIE: Ooh, they are scary!

  ALL: It’s the hissing!

  INT. RESTAURANT

  Gary enters, then Miranda. Then Stevie with the ice bucket and champers, then Jim with CD player.

  MIRANDA: I was trying to say something.

  GARY: Oh Miranda, only you. Just tell me.

  MIRANDA: OK. Oh I can’t look at you!

  GARY: What? Oh, this is important isn’t it? Just let me just get this cream from out of my nose.

  Goes to kitchen. Close up of Miranda closing her eyes. Then we see a pair of hands cover her eyes.

  MIRANDA: Hi. OK, listen. Here’s the thing. And I’m sorry I’ve been going about it in such a roundabout way particularly as I’ve never been so certain of anything in my life. I am absolutely, ridiculously, embarrassingly in love with you.

  Miranda turns around and we pull back to reveal it was Mike. Who is beaming. Miranda screams. Turns scream to excitement.

  Oh! Mike.

  Stevie and Jim scream, knock over the ice bucket and turn screams in to joy.

  MIKE: And I was just going to say, guess who?

  Gary comes in from kitchen.

  GARY: (TO MIRANDA) OK, what is it?

  MIRANDA: Moment’s gone!

  MIKE: I’ve been waiting to hear that.

  MIRANDA: Well it was lucky you were here then. Why were you here then?

  Penny enters.

  PENNY: Oh, Mike, now, about my dinner—

  MIRANDA: (FURIOUSLY) Oh, Mother!

  MIKE: Penny, there’s something I need to ask Miranda’s father.

  JIM: (SHRIEKS) Proposey eyes!

  He jumps and tips table over.

  GARY: Oh, table! I’ve just laid that!

  PENNY: He wants to speak to your father. Oh darling!

  Mike and Penny exit. Rose arrives.

  STEVIE: Oh no! It’s Rose.

  MIRANDA: Do something.

  Stevie grabs Gary and snogs him.

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) How does that help?

  ROSE: Well I’m clearly in the way, I didn’t realise you two were—

  STEVIE: Yeah. So, you know, bye.

  GARY: Rose, wait, I don’t even know why she kissed me.

  ROSE: Well it looked pretty passionate to me, you lingered.

  MIRANDA: Agreed m’lord there was lingering.

  JIM: I thought there was lingering.

  ROSE: Who are you?

  JIM: I don’t know.

  MIRANDA & ROSE: You both lingered.

  GARY & STEVIE: We did not linger.

  Miranda and Rose start to leave.

  GARY: Rose!

  STEVIE: Miranda!

  They put their hands up as if to say ‘not listening’.

  MIRANDA: Sweeping out. (SHE SLIPS) Oh, ice! You know when you nearly go? I nearly went. (SHE SLIPS AGAIN, THEN FALLS) Oh, I’ve gone!

  INT. FLAT

  Jim inbetween Miranda and Stevie on the sofa.

  MIRANDA: You kissed my Gary. How would you like it if I kissed yours? I’m going to get my own back and snog Gary Barlow, OK, that’s never going to happen.

  STEVIE: I was trying to get rid of her.

  MIRANDA: Well you shouldn’t have interfered.

  STEVIE: Didn’t want to but, ‘Stevie, I can’t cope we’re a sofa and a little pouffe’—

  MIRANDA: Oh, je me suis… (SHE STARTS SPEAKING IN PRETEND FRENCH–SUBTITLED)

  SUBTITLE IN

  I am so angry I am speaking in fake French.

  She won’t know it’s fake French

  And to save face will gasp

  When I sound like I am being offensive.

  SUBTITLE OUT

  Stevie gasps. Miranda clocks camera.

  (TO JIM) Right, you, whatever your name is, I bequeath you the status of my new best friend.

  JIM: Oh, it’s too much!

  MIRANDA: Change the duvet with me please. Now.

  Stevie goes. Penny rushes in. Pushing Stevie in.

  PENNY: Darling, darling. Mike’s just spoken to your father. He’s going to propose. You will say yes?

  JIM: No, she can’t marry a man she doesn’t really love.

  STEVIE: What she needs is someone who knows her and gets her.

  PENNY: What she needs is someone who doesn’t know her and will only know what he’s getting when it’s too late!

  MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Am I here? I think I’m here.

  MIKE: (OOV) Miranda?

  MIRANDA: Hide, hide, hide!

  Jim goes to the bedroom. Penny and Stevie hide in front of the sofa. Mike enters. Miranda has nowhere to hide.

  Hide. Hi. Hi-de-hi!

  MIKE: Hi, can we talk?

  MIRANDA: Yeah sure um what would you like to talk about? I’m worried about the Greek economy. Discuss.

  Mike and Miranda move to in front of the sofa. Penny and Stevie crawl round to the back of it.

  Mike gets down on one knee. Penny and Stevie poke up and inhale sharply.

  Miranda starts singing to cover up.

  MIRANDA: What are you doing?

  MIKE: Tying my shoe lace.

  Stevie and Penny pop up.

  STEVIE: Phew!

  PENNY: Sugar!

  They duck back down.

  MIKE: What?

  MIRANDA: Few sugars I shall make in your tea now for you. Yes. (POINTING) Is that a barn owl?

  She ushers Penny and Stevie to the bathroom and throws the duvet cover over Mike.

  MIKE: Just forget about the tea. Will you just sit for one moment? You’re so skittish today.

  MIRANDA: Like a little pony.

  MIKE: So listen, I know we’ve only been seeing each other for a few weeks but I’ve been thinking about the future.

  A
knock on the door. It’s a man in a uniform – trousers, jacket, cap.

  BT MAN: Hi, can I speak to Miranda please?

  MIRANDA: Yes.

  BT MAN: Oh hi, I’m from BT.

  MIRANDA: Hi.

  BT MAN: I’m really sorry you’re not happy at the moment.

  MIRANDA: Oh listen, I did mean it.

  Stevie and Penny open the bathroom door a tiny bit. They are straining to hear

  MIRANDA: It’s not you it’s me, I just want to be with someone else. Bye.

  She shuts the door. Penny and Stevie come out – they don’t see Mike on the sofa.

  STEVIE: Yay, mimsy-less!

  PENNY: Disappointing!

  MIKE: What are you doing here?

  Penny and Stevie jump.

  MIRANDA: They are here to wish me well, err, for letting go of BT.

  MIKE: So why were you in the bathroom?

  PENNY: We urgently needed the loo. We didn’t go together.

  STEVIE: I went first.

  PENNY: I followed through.

  MIRANDA: OK. Bye then guys. Thanks so much for coming.

  Penny and Stevie leave.

  MIKE: Look, I don’t know what’s going on here but will you just listen to me before I burst?

  MIRANDA: Wait, Mike listen, I’m in love with—

  MIKE: I’ve taken a job in Africa.

  MIRANDA: What?

  MIKE: But I mean, after what you said at the restaurant, just say if you don’t want me to go.

  MIRANDA: Oh no, you must go, it’s what you’ve always wanted.

  MIKE: What were you…? You’re in love with?

  MIRANDA: In love with… Talk Talk for my new ISP.

  MIKE: I have never known a family so emotional about service providers.

  MIRANDA: Oh, I’ll miss you, Marple.

  MIKE: Oh, I’ll miss you so much, Quirky, but let’s talk, yeah?

  They kiss and hug.

  MIRANDA: Yeah. Bye.

  MIKE: Bye.

  He exits. She goes to the sofa and pulls the duvet over her head.

  MIRANDA: Alone again.

  Jim pops out from under the duvet.

  JIM: You’ve got me!

  Miranda screams.

  INT. RESTAURANT

  It’s the opening. Tea lights. Fairy lights. The shelf is back up. People at tables. Some milling. There is a kind of buffet system. The food coming from outside waiters bringing it in.

  Miranda is sitting at one table with food. Stevie comes over from the buffet with a plate of food. Walks past and sits at another table. Penny comes in.