Searching for Pemberley

by Mary Lydon Simonsen

  I went into the house and immediately went upstairs, telling Beth that I was soaked and had to change my clothes. Sitting in a chair and looking at the rain pounding against the window, I found I was shaking. I had never felt this lost in my entire life.

  When Jack took me to the train station that evening, it was pouring buckets, so he pulled up right in front of the station. Michael hopped out of the car and got my suitcase out of the boot. Once inside, I started to put my hand out but quickly drew it back.

  “Don't worry, Maggie. I'm not going to kiss you in public, but correct me if I'm wrong, you did kiss me back.”

  “I don't know what to say to you, Michael,” I said with tears welling up in my eyes.

  “You know, Maggie, there's one thing that's bothering me about Rob and you. You've been dating since, when, December? Why hasn't he asked you to marry him? If I were in his shoes, I'd be at the Registrar's Office applying for a marriage license right now.” He started to walk away, but then he turned around and said, “I would have married you yesterday.”

  Chapter 30

  SHORTLY AFTER I RETURNED to the city, Rob called me at my office to ask if he could come by Mrs. Dawkins's house, so we could continue the conversation we had started at Crofton Wood. I had a pretty good idea of what was about to happen. If Rob was going to dump me, he would want to do it where I wouldn't be alone.

  When Rob arrived, he handed me a single red rose, the same flower he had laid on the pillow the first time we had made love. I took the rose knowing that this time it had an entirely different meaning.

  Rob looked exhausted. The long work days required to train his successors were taking their toll on him. Emptying his pockets of several packs of Wrigley's gum he asked if I would give them to the boys. I told him how much Teddy and Tommy would miss his stories about growing up in the Wild West and flying in a bomber, and he nodded.

  “About our disagreement in Crofton—maybe you'll understand a little better if I tell you some of the things I have been holding back.” Rob's leg started to shake exactly like his brother's had when he had been talking about flying into Berlin. “I know you were very hurt when my brother told you that no one in my family knew about you.” After hesitating, he finally said, “It's because you're Catholic. Greg figured it out and mentioned it in a letter to my mother. Next thing I know, I get this letter from Mom asking all of these questions, mostly about your religion. I didn't want to say anything because it makes my mother look bad, and she's really a wonderful woman. But I'd be less than honest if I said she wouldn't be upset if the two of us got married.” I actually didn't think badly of Mrs. McAllister since my mother was writing me letters asking why I had become involved with a Protestant. “Rob, I really do understand. My mother's been saying the same things about you.”

  Rob flashed a brief smile, and then he continued. “That Sunday I went to church with you, I was thinking about how before every mission, Pat and all the other Catholics would kneel in front of the priest. He'd tell them to make a good act of contrition, and then they'd receive communion. By saying that prayer, that act of contrition, Pat told me that he would eventually get into heaven, and it helped him get through the mission. I envied him because I don't have any strong religious beliefs. I figured if I bought the farm, all it meant was that my life had ended when I was twenty-two years old.

  “But before we get sidetracked on a discussion about religion, I want to respond to some of the things you said at Beth's. You seem to have the impression that once I got to a new town, I hooked up with a girl, and when I moved on, I dumped her.” Opening his hands in front of him, he said, “I'll let you decide.”

  “I've already told you about Alice. She was very nice, but war or no war, we were never going to get married. It was one of the reasons I was okay with joining the Army. It gave me a way out that didn't hurt her feelings.

  “As for Arlene, remember I told you that there was a lot of prejudice in Atlanta? Well, one of those prejudiced people was Arlene. I ended it with her weeks before I left for England. If she was sitting at home crying because of me, too bad.”

  After telling me about Arlene, his demeanor changed, and he went quiet and closed his eyes. “On the other hand, I have to agree with you about Millie. She was a swell girl with a great sense of humor, and I enjoyed her company a lot. She was one of the people who helped me get through those thirty missions. But we did have the agreement I told you about.” Rob started to shake his head because he knew that no matter what had been said between them, Millie had fallen in love.

  “When she came to the hospital in Oxford for the second time, I realized that her feelings had changed but mine hadn't. When I got back to Bassingbourn, I told her again that as soon as I flew my thirtieth mission, I was gone. But she said everything was fine. When I went to say good-bye, it got pretty emotional, and I felt like a slug. So I got blind drunk, and when I woke up, I was curled up in a ball in the pub owner's storage room. But I had to get out of Bassingbourn. I didn't want to hear about one more plane crashing or getting shot down.

  “When Jack and I went to the Peak District, he talked to me about things that had happened to him during and after the First War. Pretty bad stuff. He wanted me to open up, but all I could manage was to tell him about this dream I have over and over again. On a mission to Cologne, I saw a Fortress from my squadron get hit, and everyone had to bail out. One of the guys who jumped caught his chute on the plane. When he got free, the chute was torn and wouldn't open. I watched as this guy fell to his death from 25,000 feet. It was part of my job—everyone's job—to watch because when you got back to interrogation, you'd have to report on exactly what you saw so they could figure out if the guy was dead or a prisoner. In my dream, I'm the guy, but I never hit the ground. I just keep tumbling through space. I usually wake up in a sweat because I have this weight on my chest, and it makes it difficult to breathe.”

  After telling me about his dream, Rob took a deep breath and continued, “This past week I've been thinking about you and about everything I should have said or done but didn't. And it's not just you. I should have gone to see Pat Monaghan's family. They wrote me letters inviting me to come visit them because I was Pat's closest friend. When I went back to the States, I was the navigator on a B-17 being delivered to an airfield near Omaha, but I never contacted the Monaghans.” Rubbing his temples with his eyes closed, he ended by saying, “That was wrong of me. Once I finish up in Atlanta, I'm going to go to see Pat's family.”

  “Rob, I'm glad you're going to do that. I think it will do you as much good as it will the Monaghans. It's an important first step.”

  Nodding in agreement, he said, “Maggie, the one thing I want you to understand, no matter what, is that I love you. When I told you that you were the best thing that had ever happened to me, I meant it. The problem is, I'm not the best thing that ever happened to you, and I'm not going to ask you to put your life on hold while I try to figure out what to do with mine.”

  I couldn't hold back my tears any longer, and they were streaming down my face. Rob stood up, and I knew there was nothing I could say that would change his mind. I asked if I could see him off when he sailed from Liverpool, but from his expression, I knew that wasn't going to happen. “To be honest with you, Maggie, I don't think I could take it.” Opening the door to the foyer, he looked at me for the longest time before saying, “You do know that Michael Crowell is in love with you, don't you?”

  “Why are you telling me this?” I said through a flood of tears.

  “Because it might be more obvious to me than it is to you.”

  I turned my back to him because I couldn't bear to watch him walk away. If at that moment the city of London had gone silent, the only sound to be heard would have been that of my heart breaking.

  Chapter 31

  THE NEXT EVENING, I was lying in bed, with Rob's rose on my chest when Mrs. Dawkins came upstairs to tell me I had a visitor. For a split second, I thought it might be Rob, but she shook he
r head to let me know that it wasn't. When I saw Beth in Mrs. Dawkins's sitting room, I started to cry as I've never cried before. Beth put her arms around me and tried to comfort me, but I was beyond the reach of even Beth's kindness. Mrs. Dawkins tiptoed into the room and left a box of Kleenex and two cups of tea, but I continued to cry in great gulping sobs.

  “From the very beginning, I saw it coming, but I still kept seeing him.” In between sobs, I explained, “I have nothing to reproach him about. He never made any promises.”

  After I had finally stopped crying, Beth told me she was staying at her cousin's house in Holland Park, and she wanted me to come stay with her. I hadn't told my boss that Rob had gone back to the States, but he knew something was wrong when he saw me sitting in front of ringing telephones that I wasn't answering. He encouraged me to take a few days off.

  Beth's cousin, Lady Patricia Alcott, welcomed me to her home, but after that, I saw very little of her. She was being very kind by leaving Beth and me alone. We started the next day with a walk through Kensington Gardens. Beth was waiting for me to say something, but I didn't have a clue as to what I was going to do.

  “Maggie, I suggest that you not make any decisions as to your future for at least two weeks. Your first inclination might be to return home, but I think that would be a mistake. Your world has greatly expanded since you left Minooka. If you returned, I think you would feel as if everything was pressing in on you.

  “I am confident you will be looking at things very differently and in short order. You have been so focused on Rob and how to make him happy, I think you neglected your own happiness. By your own admission, you didn't think your relationship was going to work out, but you stuck by him because he is a decent man. Loyalty is an admirable quality, but it cannot act as a tie that binds you to someone who is not all you deserve. After so many months together, Rob should have been drawing you closer to him. Instead, he kept you at a distance.”

  “But Jack kept you at a distance.”

  “Yes, he did, and because of that, our marriage has traveled a very rocky road. It is only in the last few years that we have been able to break down all the barriers that have separated us. But having experienced so much heartache, I don't want the same for you. And there is another reason why you might consider remaining in England. It has something to do with your love of history and Pride and Prejudice.”

  When we got back to the Alcotts', Beth asked me to join her in the morning room. She handed me a box and told me to open it. Removing the lid, I saw that inside were two diaries, and on the cover, in gold, were the embossed initials of Elizabeth Garrison Lacey.

  “I've just now got them back from the bookbinder with their beautiful new leather covers. Mr. Selden did a marvelous job, not just on the covers, but on the actual pages themselves. We'll have to wear gloves when we read them, but now we can turn the pages without the risk of them falling apart.” Putting her arms around my shoulders, she said, “I'll confess I am using these diaries to entice you to stay in England a while longer because I love you.” And she gave me a squeeze. “But there is another reason.”

  When I had been in Crofton, Beth told me that the expenses for refurbishing and repairing Montclair had run much higher than the Catons had expected, and they were looking for a way for Montclair to help pay for itself.

  “They have decided to convert the house into a specialty hotel and market it as the ancestral home of Fitzwilliam Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. Ellen Caton has asked me to write a history of the Lacey family as it relates to the characters portrayed in Pride and Prejudice, and I will need your help because I never learnt how to type.”

  I actually started to smile. At the time the Crowells had wrapped up the love story of Elizabeth Garrison and William Lacey, Beth had said that “I knew it all.” But there was so much I didn't know. What was Elizabeth and Will's courtship like? Where did they go on their honeymoon? What was it like to be the mistress of Montclair? What Beth and Jack had shared with me was only the tip of the iceberg.

  When I looked at Beth, she was holding out a pair of white cotton gloves, so I could open the diaries. Putting them on, I flipped to a page near to the end of the first diary. Apparently, the entry was made shortly before Jane was to marry Charles Bingham.

  13 September—When Mama came into our room this evening, she was biting her thumb. This is something she does only when she has something unpleasant to say. Jane and I thought we were to hear some bad news, but we were not prepared for what she actually said. 'Lizzy, you may stay and listen. You're of an age so that you can hear this. Jane, you were brought up on a farm, so you've seen things I never saw, having grown up in town.' Jane tried to stop her, but to no avail. 'On your wedding night, it might hurt for a bit, but only the first few times. When they're young, it goes quickly, but you can help it along if you move about a bit. Keep a basin of water and a handcloth near to the bed.' Then she kissed us good night and left. Jane looked at me, and we burst out laughing, and we were still laughing long after we had blown out the candle.

  What a wonderful passage! It reminded me of how much pleasure I had gotten from reading Pride and Prejudice. I decided to take Beth up on her offer to help organize the Lacey papers. It probably was for the best, and there were so many reasons to stay in England. But was one of them Michael Crowell? I really didn't know, but I had to admit I was curious to find out.

  Chapter 32

  SHORTLY AFTER ROB SAILED, Lady Patricia Alcott asked if I would like to board with her, rent free. While Britain was at war, the Alcott townhouse had been filled with men who worked with Lord Alcott in the War Office at Whitehall. However, once the war ended, the house had gradually emptied, and now the last boarder, a Canadian liaison officer, was also leaving. Because of London's housing shortage, Lord Alcott was pressing his wife to find replacements.

  I had grown very fond of the Mr. and Mrs. Dawkins and their two boys, but just thinking of another cold winter swaddled in layers of clothes in my attic bedroom finally tipped me in the Alcotts' direction. With rental properties so scarce, I was sure Mrs. Dawkins could easily rent my room.

  “When your fellow left for America, I said to Mr. Dawkins, if you wanted to move on, I wouldn't stop you. Now you're telling me you can move into a nice room in Holland Park without paying any rent at all. Well, that puts a few quid into your pocket, now doesn't it?” And since she would probably raise the rent with the next tenant, it would put a few, much needed, quid in her pocket as well.

  When I asked how much notice she would want, she said, “none.” “I'll have someone in there the day after you've gone.” It seemed all I needed to do was to pack my bags.

  The differences between my room in the Alcott townhouse and my bedroom sitter with its plain beige walls and simple metal-framed bed were night and day. There was a double bed with a dark pink canopy and matching drapes and walls covered with the drawings of Beatrix Potter. I was now sharing a room with Peter Rabbit, Jemima Puddleduck, and Timmy Tiptoes.

  Looking out the window of my fourth-story window, I wondered how Maggie Joyce of Minooka had ended up living in Holland Park. In the past two years, I had needed to adjust to many different situations, but nothing had prepared me for boarding in a house where a butler answered the door and a cook saw to all of the meals—at least for the Alcotts.

  “My husband works long hours,” Lady Alcott informed me on my first day, “and frequently takes his meals at his club. My son, Geoff, is currently working in Brussels but could come home at any time. Violet, whom you met at the ball, rents a flat in the mews on the far side of the park and often drops in. The twins, Lily and Iris, live in Surrey. Lily is expecting, so I have been visiting her more frequently. Mrs. Gooding is the cook and pretty much comes and goes because she often has no one to cook for. However, Andrews, the butler, is almost always here, except on his days off.” My impression was that I would largely have the house to myself, except when people showed up.

  Lady Alcott introduced me to Andrews in
the morning room when he brought in the afternoon tea. He was dour, undemonstrative, and not particularly happy to see me.

  “If you will be dining in, miss, I would ask that you inform me, so I may tell Cook. If you wish, you may have your meals brought to you on a tray.” He nodded, I nodded, and he left.

  “Don't worry about Andrews,” Lady Alcott said. “It will take him a while to get used to you. The same thing with Mrs. Gooding. However, in short order, you will feel comfortable going below stairs to use the kitchen.” Trying to explain her butler's coolness, she continued, “The war has put everyone off his game. No one's sure what his role is, including me. I don't know if things will ever get back to the way they were before the war.

  “I hope you will be in tomorrow evening because I have asked Lord Alcott to come home early, so we can have dinner together. I know you were introduced at the ball at Montclair, but I don't think you had time to talk. I don't want your first encounter to be in the upstairs hallway.” Pouring out the tea, she let out a little chuckle. “Surely, you remember him. He was the only one wearing an eye patch.”