Close To Falling

by Paige P. Horne

  “Don’t get caught up in the show,” he tells me. “Don’t forget your purpose.” My purpose. I sigh, thinking about his words, wondering when all of this will get better and wondering when I won't have the whispers anymore. Most of all, when will the urge to use go away? I stare out as the sun shines across the water.

  “Tell me all of this gets easier,” I say quietly.

  “No,” he responds. “You just get used to how hard it is.”

  ***

  I curl my feet under me as the small TV plays in the social room. I don’t watch it, though. I sit in the chair on the far side of the room and flip through a magazine about life after drugs. I roll my eyes at all the positives and toss words of hope onto the table in front of me.

  “Maddie.” I hear Grace and look toward the hallway.

  “In here,” I say, standing up and sliding my long black sleeves to my elbows.

  “Landon and Frankie are here,” she tells me, and then I see them.

  “Hey, B.” Landon smiles, and I notice he got his hair cut. He looks cute.

  “Been surfing a lot?” I ask him, seeing his tanned skin.

  “Yeah, I’ve got a competition coming up soon. Been practicing,” he tells me as he walks toward me and lifts me in a hug. I laugh and give him a squeeze. “Miss you,” he says for only me to hear.

  “Me, too,” I say as he puts me down. My eyes go to Frankie, and he gives me a nod.

  “How are you?” he asks.

  “I haven’t seen you in week, old man. Give me a hug,” I say, lifting the corner of my lip.

  “Who you calling ‘old man’?” he says, but he’s all smiles, too, as he leans down to hug me. It’s a warm hug, and he even pats my back before he pulls away.

  “So, what have you two been doing with yourselves, besides surfing?” I ask.

  “I’m building a deck,” Frankie says.

  “Nice,” I reply.

  “Yeah,” he agrees. He pats his front pocket, and I realize he is looking for his smokes.

  “Wanna walk outside?” I ask.

  “I’ll go,” he says. “You two catch up.” He unhooks the button on his pocket and grabs his pack as he stands up and makes his way out the side door. I turn my attention back to Landon. His hazel eyes search my face, and he looks pleased.

  “You look good, B,” he says. “You’ve thickened up a bit.”

  “Thanks,” I say because I know I needed the weight.

  “They feeding you good here?”

  “Eh, could be worse,” I respond. “So, tell me about your surfing and this competition.” I smile at the boy I think of as my brother. He gets a light in his eyes and proceeds to tell me all about it.

  “It’s next month,” he says. “Maybe you can go?”

  “I hope so,” I reply because I really do. He goes on to tell me about the lineup and the other guys, and I smile because I love him and I love that he is passionate about something. I listen to him talk for a while longer until we change the subject. “So, how's Cali?” I ask.

  “She’s Cali,” he answers. “She got a job at one of the local stores downtown. I saw her a few weeks ago. She says to tell you hello and that she misses you.”

  “Tell her the same for me. Will you?”

  “Sure,” he says, and Frankie walks back in smelling like tobacco and outdoors. He sits down and sighs.

  “So, how’s all this going?” Frankie asks.

  “Fine,” I tell him. “I’m in therapy now. The worst part is over. I’m no longer dope sick. I just have mood swings from time to time, but they tell me that’s from the drugs also.”

  He nods. “What are your plans?”

  I look between my brother and the man who has been more like a father to me since I was eleven. “I don’t know,” I say. “I haven’t figured that out yet.” I look down at the magazine I tossed onto the table. “The things I’ve been reading tell me I need to find my passion and dive in. You two know I used to draw, so I was thinking something with that, but I’m just really not sure.”

  “You’re an awesome artist, B. I think that would be a great idea,” Landon adds.

  “Thanks,” I say, toying with my lip. “I’ve been talking a lot about my past in here.”

  “Yeah?” Frankie says.

  “Yes,” I say. And then I sigh as nerves bubble up inside me. “How is he?” I ask because I just can’t not know anymore.

  “He’s okay, B,” Landon answers. “I went and saw him a couple of days ago.”

  I pick at the side of my thumbnail, and my heart picks up its beat. “Does he know?” I ask. “About me?”

  “Yes,” Landon confirms.

  “But he hasn’t tried to reach out? I mean, does he even care?”

  “He is going through his own mess right now, B.”

  “I know that,” I say a little harsher than I intended, causing Landon’s eyes to go wide. “I’ve been through hell, and I haven’t stopped thinking about him once!” I say, getting up and walking over to the window. I put my palms down flat on the windowsill and try to control the anger in me. “I’m sorry,” I mumble. “It just hurts,” I say the last words mostly to myself.

  “Maddie, men are different. We don’t talk about our feelings like you women do. Especially to other men. I’m sure he is thinking of you, too. He told you to move on, to do better. And, well, now you are, but you have to keep doing better. You two need to grow into your own people,” Frankie tells me, and leave it to him to tell me like it is.

  “I love him,” I say to myself. I haven’t said it in so long it feels foreign, but the love is still there, and it’s so strong. I don’t think it will ever go away. I can move on, but the affection I have for him is buried so deep inside me, there is no way for it to disappear.

  “Are you coming home when you get out of here?” Frankie asks.

  “I don’t think I can,” I turn around and say. I lean back against the window and cross my arms. “It’s too hard, and all it will do is remind me of the mess I turned into. I’m going to have to find something closer to the city. I was thinking about going to school maybe.” I remember I told Ellie I was wasting the money I got from my parents’ death. I’ve been rethinking the whole school thing, though. It may be a good idea. My parents weren’t millionaires, but they were well off, and they left me enough money to live comfortably. I need to do something to keep my mind busy.

  “It sounds like you have things more figured out than you let on,” Frankie says.

  “I guess so, huh,” I say, lifting my brow and smirking.

  “You need to do whatever is best for you,” Frankie tells me. “Hell, we may move closer to the city, too.”

  “But your deck.”

  “Ah, I’ll just get more money out of the house if I sale it. I want us all to be together. We’re a family.” But not without River. I don’t say this out loud, though. I keep it to myself, and after I tell Frankie and Landon bye, I head to my therapy session for today.

  Chapter Seven

  Mystery book in hand, I lightly knock on Ellie’s door and wait for her to tell me to come in. She does, and I turn the handle and step inside her office.

  “Hey,” she says, looking up from her desk.

  “Hey,” I reply. “I finished the book. It was good. I had a feeling they were going to end up together.”

  “Yeah, that’s a good one. I’m glad you liked it.” I put it back on her bookshelf and take a seat. “So, how was your visit today?” she asks me.

  “It went well,” I reply. “I figured some things out.”

  “Oh?”

  “I think I am going to go back to school after all. I want to do something with my drawing, and I’m not going back to Frankie’s. I need a fresh start,” I say, lifting my leg up into the chair and resting my chin on my knee.

  “You wanna start drawing again?” she asks, smiling.

  “Yeah, it’s been a while, but I’ve been thinking about picking it back up.”

  “I would love to see your wo
rk. I think a fresh start is exactly what you need, but you also need to keep good friends and family in your life. Don’t shut anyone out.”

  I laugh. “It’s funny you say that. Frankie actually mentioned moving closer to the city, too.”

  “So, the city is where you want to move?” she asks.

  I shrug. “Maybe. We will see, I guess.”

  “Yes, we still have work to do. Outside today?” she asks.

  “If you don't mind.”

  “Of course not.” She smiles and stands up from her chair.

  The sidewalk is still damp from all the rain we had last night, and we dodge puddles as we make it to the small dock out by the water.

  “We should have brought a towel,” I say.

  “Nah, a little water never hurt anyone.” She smiles and I agree, but I can change. She has to drive home still. The dock moves under my feet, throwing me off a tad, and when we make it to the small bench, I feel that it’s actually pretty dry when I run my hand over it.

  “We were at Kelly’s party, I believe,” Ellie says.

  “Oh, yes.”

  ***

  After the incident in the hallway, River takes off outside, a little pissed off that he thinks he can tell me what to do. I hope Mikey does show up. I pass River on the porch, some girl already by his side, and with an eye roll, I walk out to the keg. I spot Cali and Landon, so I make my way over to them.

  “Maddie B!” Cali says, a little too excited, and I can tell she is already drunk.

  “Cali,” I mock her and smile as she wraps her arms around my neck.

  “Let's dance,” she says.

  “Let me get a drink first.” I hold my hands up in a calm down gesture.

  “O—kay.” She drags out the O. I look over at Landon who lifts his brow and gives me a look that says good luck with that. I laugh as I walk over to the keg and grab a Solo cup. All the parties in town and out of town are the same. Keg, Solo cups, and something to get you high. But that is the thing about small-town kids. There is nothing else to do, so everyone starts the bad stuff early. The parents aren't stupid; they know what’s going on. I think they secretly hope we'll get it out of our systems and be done with it all by the time we are adults. But what do I know?

  “Hey, grab me one, B,” Landon says as I finish filling mine. I fill his, too, and walk back over to them. Handing Landon his cup, I hear my name and turn around to see Mikey.

  “You made it,” he says with a too cute smile.

  “Yeah,” I say, smiling back. His teeth are pearly white perfection, his hair a dark brown. He wears high-top Chucks, dark jeans, and a white shirt with a black hooded jacket. It’s not cold out, so his sleeves are pulled up to his elbows. Like I said, he is really cute, but he doesn’t compare to my boy sitting on the porch with a girl whispering into his ear. River is looking down, but I can tell he is grinning, and I wanna slap that smile off his face.

  ***

  The blue sky turns black, and we all move inside to Kelly’s basement. Kelly lines shot glasses up on the built-in bar her dad made, and Cali and I stand waiting for them to be filled. I don’t think Cali really needs another, but she insisted in a slurred voice. I wouldn’t be a good friend if I didn’t have one shot with her, right? And after all, who am I to tell her what she needs and doesn’t need?

  “River and that girl have been pretty cozy all night, huh?” Cali asks, shifting her eyes over at the couch River is on. He looks at me and whispers into the girl’s ear. I watch, his eyes never leaving mine as he tells her whatever and then stands with her hand in his. They disappear toward the stairs, and my stomach hurts. I look back and notice my shot glass is filled. I slam it into the back of my throat.

  “One more please,” I say to Kelly.

  “Sure, Maddie.” She smiles and moves her blonde hair off her shoulder. After I take another shot, I grab my best gal’s hand and walk over to the stereo. I flip through the music and finally land on something I can dance to.

  “Hey, Kelly,” I say. “Can we turn the lights off and turn the fun lights on?”

  “Yes!” she answers. “Let’s dance!” I smile and flick the light off after she turns the other lights on. With black lights, the room looks more fun and goes with my mood. The music begins, and I smile as Cali starts to dance. I see Mikey and walk over to him. He looks me up and down, and I get a tingle.

  “Wanna dance?” I ask.

  “Yeah,” he says, setting his beer down. He grabs my hand, and we walk out to where everyone else is dancing. The room is full, and I like the way Mikey feels against me. He grabs my hips, and I get lost. Shutting my mind and eyes, I let the music take me where it wants. I feel eyes on me as everyone moves and shifts, and I open mine. Emerald greens are looking right at me as Mikey moves his hands down my body. I dance harder and better, because I know he is watching me, and I want him to feel what I do when he is with all those slutty ass girls.

  ***

  “You know that was all very immature, right?” Ellie interrupts.

  “I was sixteen. I was immature,” I say, like duh. “So was everyone around me.”

  “What did River do when he went upstairs?”

  “What do you think?” I ask.

  “So let me get this straight. You kids were taking drugs like candy. It seems that pot was always around, and you all drank alcohol like you had been doing it forever. You were having sex also?” she questions in utter disbelief, and when she says it that way, well, wow, I feel ashamed.

  “We had been drinking forever,” I say. “I had my first taste of beer when I was fourteen and took my first hit of a joint when I was twelve. None of it was new to me, and none of it was new for the people around me because that’s who I did it with. I’m not proud of it all. I’m just telling you what my life was like five years ago.”

  “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to be judgmental,” she says softly. “That was not my intention. I meant it in a way of trying to understand it all myself because you were all so young.”

  “I know, and I see your point. It was crazy. We were all hell-bent on breaking the rules. Doing shit we weren’t supposed to. We lived in a teenage wasteland,” I say, and that is exactly what it was. No wonder I turned out like I did. I took the wrong path and ended up where bad paths lead you. In my case, that was rehab—sitting here talking to a woman who can’t fathom what I did when I was a teenager.

  “Yes, and I can understand given your background. You were just a kid who lost two people you depended on and loved the most. You got tossed into a world where nothing was stable. That is an insane change of life,” she says. “You are a very strong young woman, stronger than a lot of people I deal with. You knew you needed a change, and you’re making it happen. You grow every day, and I’m proud of you.”

  “Thank you,” I respond because it feels good to hear someone say that. This hasn’t been easy, and there are days when I feel like I can’t push through, but I do, and I’m going to continue to do so. I want a happy life.

  “You’re welcome. Please continue."

  I nod. “Okay, where was I?”

  “You were trying to make River jealous it seemed.”

  “Oh, right.” I smirk.

  ***

  Mikey and I keep dancing, and when the song changes, I have to pee. I tell Mikey I’ll be back and walk toward the stairs. I make my way up and find the bathroom. Walking inside and shutting the door behind me, I turn the water on and pull out the small baggie in my pocket. Taking out four pills, I toss them back and cup my hand under the water to chase them down. After I’m finished, I open the door and see River standing there against the wall. Casually, his hands slide into the front pockets of his black jeans, making my breath catch. He looks up at me and then roams his eyes down my body. I swallow. He pushes away from the wall and walks closer to me.

  “What?” I ask.

  “What were you doing down there, B?” His voice is low and sexy as hell.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I respond cool
ly. Heartbeat pounding in my chest and sweaty palms, I am anything but cool in this moment. He puts his hands up on the doorframe behind me and looks me in the eyes.

  “Are you trying to make me jealous?” he asks, looking down at my lips and licking his bottom lip.