“I’ll be right back,” I say to my date. I don’t wait for his reply as I walk to the end of the bar and squeeze in between some guy with gelled back hair and the dealer.
I see him look at me in my peripheral. “So I’m not sure if there is a secret code nowadays or whatever,” I say, looking over at him. He’s rough looking. Beard that needs trimming and clothes that look like they’re from the nineties.
“You looking for something?” he asks.
I nod my head yes. “Follow me.” He gets off the barstool, and I follow behind doing a quick check around me to make sure my date doesn’t see. I’d normally say don’t follow a complete stranger anywhere, but it is what it is. And when you need a fix, you do what you need to do to get it. The guy opens the bathroom door, and I walk inside.
“So, what’s your poison? Cocaine, pills, Molly?”
“Pills.”
“Uppers or Downers?”
“Roxys,” I reply. He nods and makes a face like he didn’t see that coming, and then he reaches into his jacket and pulls out what I need.
***
I walk out of the bathroom feeling better and carefree, enjoying it while I can because I’ll feel guilty later. My nose still tingles from where I used, and my arms and legs feel amazing. I walk up to the bar and order a shot, wondering what River is up to and wishing he were the one here with me. But soon the drinks flow, the music runs through me, and the night presses on.
***
The weather has grown colder, and white snow covers the ground now. It’s dead winter, and I spend my time curled up watching movies or locked up in my studio. I’m trying to avoid everyone except Sarah because she doesn’t know the signs like my boys do. My sponsor has called, and I’m thinking Ellie had something to do with that. She asked how I’ve been. I lie to her, too. It’s gotten out of hand again, and I’m ready to quit. I think. I mean, I want to. I need to, but for today, I’m two pills in and life feels normal.
***
I’m walking through a hobby store downtown to pick up some supplies. I stare at the paintbrushes, thinking I’d like to try my hand at it.
“B?” I hear and turn around to see River.
“Hey,” I say, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. He looks me over and narrows his eyes.
“How’ve you been?” he asks.
“Okay,” I answer. “You?”
“You don’t look okay.”
“Um…thanks,” I say, rolling my eyes. River walks closer to me and looks at my eyes. Shit. I look away and put the things in my hand down. “Good seeing you, River. Thanks for the insult.” I turn and walk away from him, heading out of the store, ready to make my way back home. Then I feel a warm hand around my arm and look back.
“Maddie, you’re using again,” he says. It’s not even a question.
“No, I’m fine.” I look around at the people passing by. “I’m just tired. I’ve been up most of the night working.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me, and don’t pretend like I’m stupid and don’t know the signs.”
“River, really, I’m good.”
“Bullshit,” he says. “And you’re covering it up. So, it’s bad again, isn’t it?” I look down and wring my hands. “Maddie,” River says.
“I only take one in the morning, River, and one at night. It’s just to keep the edge off. I’m okay. This is okay.”
“It’s not okay. It’s never going to be okay. You think the people who care about you are just going to say ‘sure, Maddie, if two a day can get you by, then what of it’?” I sigh, and my thumbnail goes to my mouth. His eyes go to my lips. “I’m not walking away from this.” He looks back up.
“So don’t,” I say, giving in because I need to stop using. I don’t want this problem.
“Then you’ll agree to get clean?”
“Yeah,” I finally admit. “I’ll try.” This is going to suck, and I’ll probably hate myself. I try not to let it, but tears fill my eyes and one slips out, because I’m going to be so sick, yet again. River grabs me in his arms, and I cry more.
“Come on, B. Let’s get you home.”
***
“I won’t go back to rehab,” I tell River. It’s been one day since I last used, and it’s showing in the shake of my hands and uneasiness in my stomach.
“Maddie, you need help. You can’t do this on your own.”
“Yes, I can. I have before, and I will again.”
He shakes his head at me. “Have you spoken to Ellie about this?”
“No.”
“Why, B?”
“Because she doesn’t need to know. I’ll get clean, River.”
“You’re going to get sicker.”
“You think I don’t know that?” I ask. “I’ve done it twice before.” He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.
“You need help. I don’t know if I can watch you go through this.”
“I’m not asking you to stick around,” I tell him. He rolls his eyes.
“Fine. We’ll do it your way. Tell me where they all are.”
“What?”
“You know what. The pills. Where are they?” Anxiety blooms inside me, and I shake my head no. My fingernail goes to my lips, and I feel my heart start to pound.
“If you’re staying here, then you're going to tell me, or you can come stay at my house. Which is it?”
“They’re in the spice rack above the stove,” I say, knowing if I have to do this then I want to be home.
“Where else?” he asks, walking into the kitchen.
“That’s the only spot,” I lie, squeezing the throw that’s covering my legs. My eyes water, and I close them while trying to breathe through the stomach cramps. Shit, shit, shit. I hear the toilet flush, and my heart sinks. Lying back on the couch and bringing the blanket to my chin, I try to let sleep take over.
***
“I can’t do this,” I say, walking through the house in a panic. I go to all my usual hiding spots, flipping lamps and books over, searching behind furniture and in the back of picture frames. I don’t know if River knew I was lying about there only being one hiding place, but I’m praying he didn’t.
“What are you doing, B?” he asks, walking behind me.
“I’ve changed my mind. I can’t do this. I…I just need one. I need something to take the edge off. Just one and I’ll be good,” I say, walking into the kitchen.
“There won’t be anything there, B. I cleaned out this whole place last night when you were sleeping.”
I look back at him before my eyes look over at the dish rack. I grab a knife and open the cabinet. I search for the box of salt, looking all over until I see it and grab it. I set it down and poke a hole into the paper top. In my peripheral, I see River watching me as I dump the container upside down and let the salt spill onto the counter. I sift through it until I feel two pills, and before I can even think to put them into my mouth they are smacked out of my hand. River grabs them off the floor.
“No, you’re not doing this,” he says, moving away from me.
“River,” I call after him. I follow him as he walks into my room and then into the bathroom. “I really only need those two. I won’t take any more after that.” He drops them into the toilet, and I scream, “Why would you do that? Why won’t you listen to me?” I pull at my hair. Tears fall from my eyes, and I shake my head at him. “Get out,” I say, gritting my teeth. “Get out, River. I don’t want you here!” He doesn’t budge, only stands still, and it pisses me off. I walk over to him and shove him. “Get out,” I say over and over as I shove him more and more. He grabs my arms and stops me.
“Stop, B. Stop,” he says, holding on to me. I sink down.
“Just cut the ropes,” I cry. “Cut the ropes and let me fall.” I hit the floor, and he sinks, too. I hold him and sob until I fall asleep.
***
The bright sunlight wakes me, and I shiver from the fever that’s taken over. I rub my soaked from sweat hair out of my face and groan. River w
akes from the couch.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey.”
“Are you okay?” He gets up and walks over to me.
“No,” I respond. He touches my forehead and sighs.
“You have a fever, baby.” He calls me baby, and I can’t be happy about it because I’m in so much pain. My mouth waters, and my stomach turns.
“Bathroom,” I say, moving the blanket off me. They’re the only words I can get out to ensure I don’t puke everywhere. I make it just in time, clutching the toilet and emptying everything inside of me. It’s painful, disgusting, and I hate myself. Tears fall out of my eyes, and I shake my head as I flush the toilet and shut the lid. I’m such a fucking idiot. So stupid. I did this. I did this yet again to myself. “Fuck!” I yell. River walks in and grabs a washrag.
“Here,” he says. I take it from him and wipe my forehead and then my mouth. I look down at the floor, tired and weak. “Want a shower?”
“No,” I say. “I just need more sleep.” I stand up and walk to the sink to brush my teeth while River leans against the wall, looking at me, worried. I’ve upset my boy again. Shame on me, I think dead on my feet before I look away from him and spit. River helps me to bed, and I close my eyes, falling asleep as he lightly rubs my back.
***
When I open my eyes, I see River on the couch in my room asleep. I sit up and throw my legs over the side of my bed. I’m sticky and still tired, but I get up anyway. Walking by River, I put the throw from my bed over him and walk into the bathroom. I turn the shower on and look at myself in the mirror. Black underlines my eyes, and my skin looks pale and clammy. I pull my hair tie out and lay it on the sink. I peel my clothes off and get into the shower, sighing when the hot water runs over my body, warming me from these chills that have taken over me. Fuck drugs. Fuck withdrawals.
After I get out, I wrap a towel around my body and put my hair in one. I walk into the bedroom quietly so I don’t wake a sleeping River. Grabbing my clothes from my dresser, I let my towel drop and look back at River. This man loves me. He loves me for just being me. The doped-up girl from his childhood. The one that fell and let drugs be her story.
My eyes roam down his body, looking over his tattooed arms and thick fingers, his black jeans and matching boots. I look back at his face, his beautiful features. Dirty blond hair is growing on his chin from worrying too much about me and not shaving. Why does he love me? Why does he care so much about me? I’m always going to have this battle. I’m always going to struggle with this stupid addiction. I don’t understand why River wants to be a part of this war. I pull a T-shirt over my head and slide my panties on. When I look back up, his eyes are open.
“Hey,” I say quietly.
“Hey.” His voice sounds groggy from sleep, and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t sexy. But I lie a lot so… We just stare at each other. His eyes go down to my panties and legs before looking back up at my face. He clears his throat and sits up. “You need anything?” he asks.
“No,” I reply. He nods and stands.
“I’m going down for a smoke. I’ll be back in a bit.”
“Why are you so good to me?” I ask. He shrugs.
“It comes natural to me, B.”
“Okay,” I say, understanding. I watch him walk out, gripping the back of his neck before looking over at me one last time. Once he is out of the room, I slide back under the covers and pray I have vivid dreams of him instead of drugged-out nightmares.
***
“B.” I open my eyes to the sound of his voice. It’s dark now, and I smell food. “Here. Eat some of this,” he says. I sit up as much as I can and move my hair out of my face. I smell smoke and River.
“You smell like cigarettes,” I tell him.
“Sorry.”
“I’m not complaining. For some odd reason, it comforts me. I guess because it reminds me of you.” He looks over my face, and I can tell he doesn’t know how to take that. I’m confusing him, and I need to stop. He picks up the spoon and blows on it before he puts it up to my mouth. I look at him before I taste the chicken broth. It’s warm and soothing. “Thank you,” I say, looking into his caring eyes. I’m saying that for more than just the soup.
“You’re welcome,” he responds like he knows, and he probably does.
***
The week passes, and I feel better. River went home when I could actually get out of bed, and now I miss him. I’m at the grocery store stocking up on junk food. I push my cart around, throwing in everything bad for me and everything delicious to my taste buds. After I check out, I head home, but somehow I end up on River’s street. I don’t know why, and I’m not sure what I’m doing when I pull up to his stoop and put my car in park. I’m lying. I know exactly what I’m doing. I want to be with him. I’m tired of this empty space inside me that I know only he can fill. I need his skin beneath my fingertips, his kiss, and his voice. I want all of him, so with a racing heart I grab a few bags from the back and get out of my car.
Walking up the steps, I hit the buzzer and take a shaky breath. I’m growing more nervous as the seconds pass and he doesn’t answer. Maybe he isn’t here, or worse, maybe he has moved on. The thought makes my throat close up, and I look down at the snow on the ground. I hear cars pass, and the wind shifts in the air. I sigh and turn around to leave, but stop when I see him leaning against his truck watching me. I bite my lip and shift my eyes.
“You didn’t wait long.”
“How long have you been standing there?” I ask.
“Long enough.” He pushes off the truck and walks toward me.
“What are you doing, B?”
“I don’t know.”
I watch him walk up the steps and take the bags from my hands before he unlocks the door.
“Go in,” he says, so I do. I follow him up and into his apartment. He puts the bags down while I stand nervous, not sure of what is going to happen or what I want to happen. “How are you feeling?”
“Better.”
“Want something to drink?” he asks me.
“No.”
“Something to eat then?”
“No.”
He leans back against the counter and looks me over. “Well, what do you want, Maddie?”
“You,” I say, and it feels so good to finally be honest. “Look, River,” I say, looking at him. “I know I’m messed up. I know I’m probably going to mess this up, and I can’t lie to you and say I’m always going to be clean, that we will never have to go through this again. I’m an addict, but I love you. I love you more than anything, baby.” He tries not to smile, but I see the lift in his lips. “I just need you to know what you’ve got here. I need you to know who I am.”
“You don’t think I know you?” he asks. “You think because we have been apart for nine years that I still don’t know everything about you? That when you are tired, you stretch your arms out in front of you. When you get anxious, you bite your nails. When you lie, you look away before you look back. I know everything, B.” He leans his hip against the counter. I bite my lip to keep from smiling. “Are you going to stand there all night, or are you going to come over here and kiss me? I’ve missed everything about you, baby, but your lips are the thing I’ve missed the most,” he says, and I smile before I rush over to him.
Our lips touch, and like always, it's heaven, it's hell, it’s my River Dawson. I open my mouth, and his teeth graze my bottom lip before his tongue enters and tangles with mine. His hands remove my coat and scarf before he lifts me up and takes me back to his room. I run my hands over his soft, short hair and breathe in because I want everything—his smell, his taste. Anything I can get, I want it. He puts me on the bed before he removes his coat and kicks his boots off. I’m soaked with need and shaking because it’s been too long.
He lifts his shirt, and I can’t stop staring at his beauty. He crawls between my legs and takes my lips again, kissing me like he never has before. He pulls back and looks at me. “You’re so stubborn,
B. I love you so much. Do you have any idea?” he says, searching my eyes. “Tell me,” he demands as he tugs on my hair.
“I love you, River. I always have.” I run my hand along his face. His crawls up my shirt, and he pulls it up and over my head. As he looks down at my bra, his face lights up.
“You’ve changed,” he says. “I can’t just be your friend, Maddie.” He looks over my face.
“I know. It was the dumbest idea.”
“It really was,” he says, smiling. He presses into me, and I moan.
“Show me,” I tell him. “Show me how good we are together.” His face grows serious, and I see old-time feelings again.
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