I love old-time feelings. I reach down and unbutton my jeans. He helps me out of them before we remove his, too. He kisses me again, and I’m flying high when his hand ventures down to a place he hasn’t touched in far too long. His fingers enter me, and I cry out. It’s the sweetest cry, and tears leak from my eyes because I’ve dreamed of this a thousand times. Fingertips curl, and lips kiss and suck. My mind lets go of everything, and all I think about is River.
He removes his hand and grazes his teeth along my neck before he slides in. We still and look at each other. My face is wet from tears, and he searches my eyes as he begins to move slowly. Hearts bleed for each other, and I run my fingers down his back and dig my heels into the mattress. My hands fall off him, and I grip his covers, loving the fact I am finally in his bed again. He licks my tears and tells me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. Sweet lips capture my moans when I come, and he pulls my arms up over my head and keeps moving.
“Did anyone else make you feel this way, B?” His voice is husky as he holds my hands.
“No,” I tell him. “Never.”
“Why do you fight me?” he asks, pushing harder and faster.
“Because we fight,” I groan as he hits me over and over in the sweetest spot.
“We can’t go back after this.”
“You’ve said that before.”
“I mean it this time, baby. You’re it for me.” His words feed my body, pumping blood through my aorta and fueling my heart. My legs shake, and I lift my feet, linking my ankles behind his back, feeling his muscles shift as he drives on. I can tell he doesn’t want this to end, and I don’t either. He leans and pushes my bra cup down, revealing my heavy breast. His teeth graze my nipple, and he bites, sending sweet pain through my nerves. He reaches around and unhooks it, sliding the straps down my arms and kissing all over each breast. He’s all over me, and I can’t get enough. Will I ever get enough? We have been deprived of each other for too long. Too many years I’ve missed his touch. He’s needy and greedy, taking everything my body will give him, and I can’t close my eyes because I don’t want to miss anything. He sucks on my chest until I feel tiny blood vessels break and the swell of his cock inside me as he comes. I follow a second time, grasping his tattooed arms, and I swear I see stars.
***
Two months have passed, and River is in the process of moving in with me. We argue like crazy, and our relationship is not easy, but we love each other, and this time we won’t lose sight of that. I’m huffing and puffing as he brings in a big brown chair.
“River, that thing is ugly as hell. It goes with nothing in here.”
“It’s staying, B. No point in arguing about it.” I roll my eyes and sigh.
“You’re taking over.”
“You don’t want me here?” he asks, looking at me with narrowed eyes and wrinkles of question on his forehead.
“I didn’t say that.”
“Well, what are you saying? Because I can take my ass right back over to my place. I haven’t given it up yet.”
“You haven’t?” I ask with a line of concern between my brows.
“No,” he says, pushing a side table out of the way and placing his chair there, right in front of the TV. He smiles and puts his hands on his hips, obviously proud of his ugly brown chair, but I’m still thinking about the fact he hasn’t given up his place.
“You keeping it in case this doesn’t work out?” I point between the two of us.
“Oh, this is going to work out, B. I don’t care if we have to live separately.”
“I don’t want to live separately.” I pout. “Get rid of your apartment, River.”
“Stop bitching about my stuff.”
“I’m not bitching.”
“Fine. Stop pouting then,” he says, turning his head sideways, like I’m a big baby. Maybe I am.
“Ugh, you drive me crazy.” I throw my hands up in defeat and storm off to my studio. River hasn’t taken over this space yet. As I walk through the door, I’m swept up off my feet. I giggle and take hold of the doorway.
“Let go, B.”
“No,” I say.
“You wanna play this the hard way?”
“No,” I say again as my hands fall and I’m being taken to our room. Our room. I love that. He tosses me onto the bed and climbs on top of me.
“You only make me want you more when you argue with me.” He keeps a straight face as he looks down at me.
“Fine. I’ll argue with you for the rest of my life,” I reply, grabbing the back of his neck and pulling him down closer. His lips lift before he kisses me. I hear the sound of his belt unbuckling, and I slide his pants down with my feet. He reaches down and puts his hand inside my comfortable, cotton pants. I moan as he touches me.
“Already wet,” he says as he slides the cotton down my legs, and in one move he is inside me. I breathe out hard and grasp his backside, wanting more, always wanting more. He’s whispered words of tell me, and I say I love you over and over as he lifts my thigh and makes me come undone.
***
Winter snow has all melted, and spring flowers are once again showing their colors. The doors to the shop are open, letting in a nice breeze, and I’m sitting at a desk River made for me so we could be closer while we both work. I wrap my hair up onto my head and pull out some stray pieces before I grab my pencil. Rozz turns the record player up as Janis Joplin croons out lyrics of summertime and living easy. Sweet magic flows out of my fingers like it does most of the time, and I sway my head to Janis’s rustic voice. River walks in, dressed in a black T-shirt and matching jeans. Boots cover his feet, and he sees me checking him out. He winks, and I smile as I look back down at my drawing. A man sits on a barstool with his head hung low. He’s crying. You can’t tell from his face, but the hang in his shoulders and the way his back is hunched over speaks for him. The background is filled with rows of empty liquor bottles, and an empty glass sits on the wood bar. He’s lonely, and it’s all his fault. Liquor took over his life, and now it’s even gone. It reminds me of David somehow, and I wonder how the storyteller is. I feel someone behind my shoulder and look to see River. His eyes scan over my art.
“Tell me about it.”
I look back at the drawing and tilt my head. “It’s a sad man in a bar. He loved drinking more than anything else, but eventually that went, too, and he is left with all his demons and nothing to drown the pain away. So he’s crying.”
“That’s deep, B,” River says.
“Yeah,” I agree, deciding I’ll put a guitar on the floor beside him. He rubs my shoulders before he leans down and kisses my hair.
“Love you.”
“Me, too,” I reply. He walks back into the store, and I look over when I hear Fisher, Rozz’s son, roll into the shop on his skateboard. It must be after three already.
“Hey,” he says to his dad. Rozz turns the music down and asks his boy about school. “It was okay,” Fisher replies, flipping his board up and walking over to me.
“Hey,” I say.
“What are you drawing?” he asks me.
“Oh, just this and that,” I reply. “Did you have a good day?”
“Better than yesterday. Remember when I was telling you about my girlfriend Penny?”
“Yeah,” I say, trying not to smile because it’s funny hearing a kid talk about having a girlfriend. Fisher comes in here every day after school, and I really love spending time with him. His mom passed away at childbirth, and he was put in the system until Rozz got out of prison and could get him back. I feel connected to him because I had to go through the same thing, except poor Fisher here didn’t even get to know his mom. He’s a sweet kid and damn good on a skateboard, and I only know that because Landon has told him several times.
“So, she tells me she doesn’t want to break up anymore, and that we can be boyfriend and girlfriend again,” he says, twirling a piece of charcoal in his hand. His long hair is windblown, and he moves it out of his face after putting
down the charcoal.
“I think Penny is a little fickle,” I tell him as I put a stray hair behind his ear he missed.
“What’s fickle mean?” he asks, looking sideways.
“She’s wishy-washy. Can’t make up her mind. She’s also crazy ’cause I’m sure you’re the best looking boy in school.” I smile.
“Ah, I wouldn’t say that.” He puts his board down and jumps on it. His cute cheeks turn pink, and I grin.
“Not in here,” Rozz says to him.
“I’m going to go ride,” Fisher tells me.
“Be safe,” I say as I watch him kick his foot off the ground. “’Sup River?” he says before he disappears outside. I watch River as he watches Fisher, seeing adoration on his handsome face.
***
I’m late. Like really late. I’ve been putting this off for a few weeks now, but I can’t anymore so I sit in my car outside the drugstore and take a deep breath. “Just go in there already, Maddie,” I talk myself up. “If you are, you are.” I bite my lip, and I can’t help the excitement that bubbles up inside my stomach. “If I am, I am.” A little River, I think to myself. Or a little me. I’m full-blown smiling now, and I open the car door and walk in.
***
I lean against the bathroom counter, nail chewing and heart pounding, waiting on time to hurry the hell up. I keep looking down at the test, waiting for it to tell me an answer. Pregnant or not pregnant? This is one of the most terrifying, exciting moments of my life. I’ve had a little bit of both over the years, but this tops it all. I grab the countertop and look down at the floor. A baby. A baby with River. As quickly as my heart lifts at that thought, it sinks as another one passes through my mind. I’m an addict. How can I be sure my addiction won’t show up during my pregnancy? How can I be sure the cravings won’t get bad and I won’t want to use?
“You don’t know anything yet, Maddie. Stop thinking negative.” I sigh and look over at the test. “Here goes,” I say, lifting it up, and like a magical crystal ball, it tells me what my future holds.
***
Love sits in his favorite chair watching TV while I cook his favorite meal—spaghetti. Life is cool and easy for us these days, and I smile when River gets mad at the football game. I think of Frankie and his sports and get a little sad, but I know he would love that his kids are still a family. We sit down at the table together, and I drink a glass of lemon water while River sips on a beer.
“It's good, baby,” he says after taking a mouthful of food.
“Thanks,” I reply, but there’s something weighing on my mind, and I need to tell him. “River.” I bite my lip because I’m nervous.
“Yeah?” he says, looking over at me.
“I’m pregnant.”
His fork clinks against his plate when he drops it, and he scans my face. I guess to see if I’m kidding, but there is no smile on my lips.
“Seriously?” he asks, open-mouthed and slightly tilted head.
“Well, I’ve taken three tests that tell me so, but I go to the doctor this week to see for sure. I honestly didn’t think I could get pregnant. I mean, we have been having unprotected sex since we were how old? Nothing ever happened, which thank God because we were too young and so stupid. You’re the only one I ever did that with. Everyone else, well, I was smarter, but I guess I lose my head with you, and now…here we are.” As I’m rambling, River stands up and leans down in front of me.
“Shut up,” he says, smiling.
“Sorry,” I mumble. “Are you happy about this?” I ask, looking unsure.
“Are you for real?”
“Well, yeah,” I say, looking away.
“B, it’s our baby. Of course, I’m fucking happy.”
“Really?” I say in a higher voice than normal. He grabs my face and plants an enormous kiss on my open mouth before he lets go and grins like a little boy.
“Yes, really, silly woman.”
I giggle. “This is nuts.”
“We have always been a little on the wild side,” he jokes.
“Yes, we have. For sure,” I say. He grabs my hand and tries to pull me up as he stands, too. “What are you doing?” I ask, laughing.
“I want to make more babies.”
“Um, it doesn’t work that way.” I chuckle as he wins, and I’m on my feet.
“Well, I want to try.”
“River,” I say, but I’m tossed over his shoulder and carried to the bedroom. He always gets what he wants, but I don’t care as he tells me how happy he is.
Chapter Twenty-Six
It’s Friday evening, and we’ve invited Landon and Sarah over for a movie.
“I think I can tell, sis,” Landon says, placing his hand on my white cotton-covered stomach. I’ve got black charcoal all over it as I stand by the fridge with a bottle of water. I’ve chopped my hair off, and half of it lays on the tops of my shoulders while the rest is thrown into a messy updo.
“It’s too early,” I reply, knocking his hand away.
“Nah, you’re getting bigger.”
“You know, brother,” I say after I take a sip, “I’m going to get bigger and bigger, and then you know what will happen?” I put the bottle back inside the fridge and turn to him with two closed fists in the air. “I’ll pop! Just like a bubble,” I say as I open my hands, wide-eyed and smiling cheeks.
“No need to be a smartass,” he says, deadpan, as he reaches for the fridge door and grabs him and River a beer.
“But I can’t help it around you two,” I say. “You make it so easy.” I grab some candy from an old Winnie the Pooh jar I bought at a yard sale and throw a few sour pieces into my mouth. Scrunching my face up as I walk into the living room, I sit down beside River.
“Why do you keep torturing yourself with those?” he asks.
“I’ve just always been a sucker for sour candy.” I smile.
“I know.” He puts his hand on my knee and grips tight. He moves up my thigh and squeezes, causing me to laugh because it tickles.
“Stop,” I say. “I’ve got to pee. Stop.” He finally does once I’m out of breath and feel like I’m dying. I jump up to run to the bathroom, almost not making it in time and sighing heavily when I do.
After I wash up, I walk back into the living room and join my family. Landon and Sarah are on the loveseat while River waits for me to sit down beside him. I hear Landon tell Sarah to get off her phone. She huffs. “One second. I have to send this email.”
“I’ve got charcoal all over this shirt,” I say as River wraps his arm around me.
“You have black smudges all over most of your shirts.”
“I need new clothes.”
“Okay, I’m pressing Play,” Landon says. I look over at him and stick my tongue out. He rolls his eyes, and it’s like we are kids again. I won’t quit talking, and he wants to watch the movie. He takes Sarah’s phone from her hands and puts it behind them on the table. Kissing her mouth really quickly, he smiles and she sighs heavily, acting annoyed, but I see her lips lift. He presses Play, and the movie starts.
***
After the credits roll and we say goodbye to Sarah and Landon, I straighten the couch pillows and turn off the lights. River has already made his way to our room, and I roll my eyes as I pick up two beer bottles left on the table. Boys never clean up after themselves. I toss the bottles and head toward our room.
“I’m taking a bath,” I tell River.
“Okay,” he says as he removes his shoes and socks. I walk into the bathroom and flick the light on. Walking over to the tub, I turn the water on and sit on the edge. I run my hand under the faucet and adjust the knobs until I get the temperature right—warm enough for comfort, but not hot enough to hurt my growing tiny love. I walk over to the sink and lift my shirt up over my head. Turning sideways, I check out my stomach and rub my fingers over it. It’s not big yet, but it will be. I run my hands over my breasts and wonder how big they are going to get. Taking in a deep breath, I remove the rest of my clothes before
I light some candles and turn the light off. Sinking into the water, I close my eyes and lean my head back. I hear the door open and look over.
“Hey,” River says.
“Hey,” I reply softly. I watch him walk over to me, grabbing his shirt from behind his neck and lifting it over his head.
“Getting in, too?” I ask.
“If you don’t care.” He looks down, showing me dimples and bright green eyes. The candles flicker off his handsome face, and I wonder what I did to deserve him. His hands rest on the front of his belt like he is really checking to see if I care before he gets undressed.
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