“You look beautiful, Freya.” That low, rumbly voice of his sent a chill through me, covering my skin with goose bumps.
“Thank you,” I said quietly, keeping my eyes downcast.
His voice was closer as he spoke and I knew he was standing on the other side of the bar. “This party is awesome. Caleb wasn’t lying when he called you and Piper the party whisperers.”
I let out a small laugh at Caleb’s moniker. “Well, it’s not that hard to keep college kids happy. Put out free food and booze and they come running.”
“I don’t think you’re giving yourself enough credit, gorgeous.”
My gaze lifted up to meet his. “I asked you not to call me that.”
The ring in his bottom lip glinted in the overhead light as the corners of his mouth kicked up in a wicked smirk. “It got you to look at me, didn’t it?”
“I should get back to the party,” I replied as I tossed the empty chip bag in the trash. I moved to step around the bar and head for the front door when he cut me off, his wide body blocking my escape.
“When are you going to stop running from me, Freya?” The playfulness in his voice was gone. The smile on his lips had tipped down into a frown as he watched me closely.
“What do you want from me, Parker?”
“I want you to talk to me! It’s been damn near two weeks. I know you hate me for what I did, but if you’d just let me explain—”
“Explain what, exactly?” Stella asked from the doorway. I could see the anger radiating off her as she stepped closer. Her green eyes were shooting fire at Parker as she glared. “You want to explain why you dumped her for that bitch, Cassidy? Or how about the fact that you stood by and let your friends make her life miserable for months!”
Parker’s forehead wrinkled. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t act like you don’t know,” Stella seethed, jabbing her finger into his chest. “They tortured her. And you stood by and allowed it to happen!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Parker insisted frantically. He turned back to me for an explanation but Stella got there first.
“You’re going to stand here and lie about not helping spread those rumors about Freya being bad in bed? What about when they taped naked pictures in her locker with notes on how to please a man? How about the time they keyed her car and we had to hide it from her dad so he wouldn’t freak the hell out?”
With each word Stella spoke, Parker’s eyes grew wider with shock. “I-I didn’t know.” Turning back to me, Parker grabbed my arms with a pleading look. “I swear to Christ, Freya. I had no fucking idea any of that was happening. I swear! I never would have let them treat you like that. You have to believe me!”
Part of me wanted to believe him. The sincerity behind his eyes was so overwhelming that I almost did, but then I remembered what else he’d done. “And I’m guessing you’re also going to deny cheating on me the whole time we were together?” I asked, my words laced with venom.
“Hell yes, I am!” I bellowed. “I never, ever cheated on you! I loved you, Freya. How could you ever question that?”
“Because Cassidy told me! She told me how you two were still sleeping together while you were with me! She told me all about how you’d laugh at the pathetic girl who was always whining about her dead mom, how you couldn’t stand how pathetic I was and that even my own father ignored me because of it!”
His hands went to his hair as he tugged frantically. His eyes had taken on an almost manic quality as he looked at me. “I never said any of that. You have to believe me!”
“If you didn’t, then who did, huh?” I demanded, crossing my arms over my chest. “You and Stella were the only ones who knew!”
Parker’s head whipped around to where Stella stood by the front door, which she had so graciously closed. My friend had my back in everything. As soon as our voices started raising, she’d shut the door to give us some privacy.
“Don’t you even think about looking at me,” she hissed. “I would never betray Freya the way you did.”
“But I didn’t!”
“Then who did?” I shouted. “You and I were alone when I told you. School had already let out when I told Stella,” I pointed out. “There was no one else there!”
“Wait…” Parker held up his hands to stop me from saying anything else. “You told her at school?”
I was confused by where he was going. “Yeah. So?”
“You sure there was no one else there? Maybe someone overheard.”
“No. There was no one—”
Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. My blood went cold in my veins as my eyes grew wide. “Oh, God,” I gasped.
Stella placed her hand on my arm. “What?”
“Cassidy.” I spoke in a huffed voice. “She was there. She came up behind me and tried to knock me over as I was leaving.”
Realization dawned in her eyes, as well. “Oh, shit.”
“Freya.” Parker’s choked voice snatched me back into the present. I blinked away the memory of that day to find he’d stepped so close there was barely in inch of space between us. “Please, please believe me.” His hands came up to cup my face, his own a mask of torment. “I never said a word to her about you. Jesus, you were everything to me. I could have never said that shit about you.” His forehead hit mine as he came even closer. “Everything she said was a lie. I swear. I loved you with everything I was, I still do! I could never hurt you like that, baby. I’m not capable of it.”
His words were so impassioned, so desperate as his eyes begged me to believe him. I felt myself wavering. I couldn’t breathe with him standing so close; not after all I’d been through. Taking a step back, I shot a look at Stella, unsure of how to handle everything that had just come to light. She gave me a tiny, almost imperceptible nod. With that one simple movement, I understood everything she was trying to convey. She was telling me it was time to listen to him. She turned and opened the front door, letting in the noises of the party going on outside before stepping through and closing it behind her.
Finally, I looked back at the man standing in front of me, feeling like the rug had just been ripped out from under my feet. “Then why?” I asked, emotion clogging my throat, making the words come out hoarse.
He stepped closer, reaching out for me but I moved back. I couldn’t think with him touching me, I couldn’t concentrate.
The dark pools of his eyes took on so much pain at my rebuff. “Please,” he begged. “I’ll tell you everything. Just let me touch you, Freya. I need to touch you.”
“No,” I spoke, thankful that at least my voice held the strength that my body didn’t feel.
“You don’t understand!” he shouted manically. “I have to touch you. Two years, Freya. Two goddamned years! I’ve been shattered without you. I’ve needed you like I need air. Please don’t take this away from me. I’m begging you.”
Every fiber of my being wanted to cave, to fall into his arms and let him hold me. But I couldn’t. Not until I understood what the hell was going on.
“No, Parker. Talk. I’ll listen to what you have to say, but not with you touching me.”
“Fuck!” He stomped away from me, running his hands through his hair until it was in complete disarray. I watched him struggle, how he warred with himself for several minutes before he was able to calm down. I took a seat on the couch while he remained standing as he finally began to speak.
“Cassidy found out my dad was having an affair.” He sounded so defeated as he spoke that my heart broke for him all over again. “She had pictures. She confronted me after school on your birthday and showed me. She said if I didn’t break up with you, she was going to show my mom.” When his gaze hit me, my breath lodged in my throat at the pain in his expression. “I tried to think of a way out of it, to come up with something, but when I confronted my dad, he got pissed. He said I needed to give her what she wanted to keep her quiet.” His humorless laugh echoed through the quiet space of my li
ving room. “The son of a bitch didn’t even care about what it would do to my mom if she found out. We got into it and…”
“The bruises,” I offered, remembering how he’d come to school, his face covered in blue and purple welts from his father’s fists.
“Please understand, I didn’t have a choice. I couldn’t let her find out; it would have killed her. I had to protect her, Freya.”
The lump in my throat grew so large I felt like it was choking me. I wanted to cry…for him, for me, for everything we’d lost that we didn’t have to lose.
“You could have told me,” I croaked, losing my battle against the tears. “You should have told me, Parker.”
“I couldn’t.”
“You could have!”
“You wouldn’t have understood!”
“You didn’t give me the chance!” His lack of faith in me stoked the anger that had been smoldering inside for so long, setting that long-held ire aflame once again. “You didn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth! If you would have come to me, told me what was going on, who knows what would have happened. But you didn’t.”
“I didn’t have a choice,” he insisted frantically.
“You did! You always have a choice. You chose not to put your faith in me. I hate that your mom had been suffering, I hate that Cassidy did that to you, and I hate that you’ve been in pain. But more than all of that, I hate that you didn’t trust me.”
“I did trust you!”
My voice lowered as I shook my head, the fight seeping from my bones, leaving nothing but exhaustion in its wake. “No. You didn’t.”
He jumped from the couch and charged me, grabbing hold of my face so I couldn’t get away. “I’m sorry,” his voice broke. “I’m so damn sorry for hurting you, for everything you went through. I fucking hate myself for what I did to you.” Tears shined in his eyes as he stared down at me longingly. “Please forgive me. I can’t stand you hating me. It kills me.”
It was then that realization hit me. The weight I’d been carrying around on my chest for the past two years finally lifted and I could breathe freely. I could forgive him. I could let go of all of the anger and sadness that had bound me for so long.
“I don’t hate you,” I whispered, reaching up to wrap my fingers around his wrists. “And I forgive you.” The agony melted off his face and I saw a spark of relief. However, it was short-lived. I pulled his hands from my cheeks and stepped back. “But I can’t give you what you want.”
“Freya—”
I held up my hand to silence him. “No, I listened to what you had to say. Now it’s my turn. I can forgive you, Parker. But I can’t go back to what we were before. I made you my whole world. I put my entire happiness on your shoulders and that’s not right; it’s not healthy. It took me a while to see that, but we weren’t good for each other. Instead of coping with our losses, we buried ourselves in each other and ignored everything else.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it,” he bit out. “We were perfect for each other. You helped heal me. My life was miserable until you came along, and it’s been miserable since the day you left.”
“Don’t you see? We shouldn’t have to depend on someone else to get through the hard times! We shouldn’t base our entire happiness on another person. I can’t heal you, Parker. Not any more than you can heal me. I realized that when I moved here. We have to do it ourselves. You shouldn’t depend on the person you’re with to make your life better. You have to do that yourself.”
Before I could say another word my back was against the wall, Parker’s lips devouring mine with a ferocity that sent an instant thrill through my body and warmed my insides. My initial hesitation was forced to the background as he demanded entrance. The taste of him on my tongue as his snaked out and dueled with mine caused a low moan to rumble up from deep inside my belly. He tasted like beer and mint. The combination scrambled my brain, making me forget everything I’d just said.
I clutched at the soft fabric of his shirt as he pressed his thick body into mine, pinning me against the wall as he feasted on my mouth like a starving man. I couldn’t get enough, yet at the same time it felt like too much. Too much passion, too much intensity. Too much uncertainty. As his lips broke from mine and skated down my neck, leaving a burning trail in their wake, I was finally able to clear my head enough to think, to realize that this wasn’t smart.
“Stop,” I panted as Parker’s teeth nipped and sucked at the skin along my collarbone. “Parker, stop,” I insisted louder, using my hold on his shirt to push him away instead of holding him to me.
When he finally pulled back, I could feel his chest moving against mine with each ragged breath. His eyes glowed almost black with lust and I had to clench my thighs together at the sensation just that one look caused.
His fingers tangled in my hair as he tilted my face up to his. “Tell me you don’t still love me,” he growled. “Tell me you don’t feel this connection between us like I do. It’s still there, Freya. You can deny it all you want, but it’s. Still. There.”
I couldn’t speak. I opened my mouth but I couldn’t force the words out.
His mouth tilted up in a grin as he said, “You can keep telling yourself that you can’t give me what I want, but it’s not going to do a damn bit of good. I moved across the goddamned country for you. You might not know it yet, but there isn’t a damn thing I wouldn’t do to win you back. So don’t tell me you can’t give me what I want because not having you in my life isn’t an option. I tried living my life without you, and I’m not doing it anymore.”
He placed one last kiss on my stunned lips before pulling back. “Fight me all you want, gorgeous. I’m not giving up.”
Then he was gone. I slid down the wall until my butt hit the floor, my trembling legs no longer able to hold me up. He’d dropped that bomb then just left, leaving me in an emotionally frazzled puddle in the middle of my living room.
I was in serious trouble.
The bedroom door slammed behind me so hard I was shocked the wood didn’t splinter and break. Having to walk out of her apartment with the taste of her mouth still on my lips was torture, but I needed to get myself under control. I was unravelling. How could she accuse me of not trusting her? I trusted her with my life! I hadn’t kept the entire truth from her because of a lack of faith. It was because the thought of seeing her face when I told her my number one fear was walking in and finding my mother laying in a pool of her own blood, her wrists sliced open and draining the life from her again was something I couldn’t deal with. I didn’t want her to know the whole truth. I didn’t want to risk her pitying me or worse, her running again because the skeletons in my family’s closet were just too much to handle.
The thought of her knowing everything made my stomach clench. That day would be burned in my brain for the rest of my life. No fifteen-year-old boy, still suffering the heartbreak of losing his brother, should have to find his own mother in that position. It was too much. It screwed me up in a way I still wasn’t sure I’d ever come back from. Despite the fact that my mom seemed to be doing well, I still carried around the gut-wrenching fear that she’d try again. Until six months ago, that fear had dictated every aspect of my life. It was years of trained behavior that I was still having trouble letting go of. I called her constantly, Face-timed, emailed, texted. I kept in contact as often as possible just to make sure she hadn’t backslid. How was I ever supposed to admit to Freya just how fucked-up I was because of that day? She’d never look at me the same.
Her words had been like a knife to the gut. I hated hearing her say our relationship had been unhealthy. But the entire time she talked, I’d focused on her eyes. I could still see the love she had for me in that brilliant blue, even if it was buried deep, deep down. I knew it was there. That knowledge kept my hope from being shattered as she spoke.
Pulling my phone from my pocket, I looked at the time and saw it was past midnight. While it was already after ten back in Sommerspoint, I knew my mom wou
ld still be awake. After that conversation with Freya, I needed to talk to her. I needed to hear her voice if for no other reason than to confirm she was all right.
“Parker?” she asked in lieu of hello.
“Hey, Mom. Did I wake you?”
“No, honey, I’m actually just getting home. But isn’t it kind of late for you?”
What did she mean she was just getting home? “Where have you been?” I asked, sounding like an over-protective father.
“I was out with some friends. Is that all right with you?” she asked sarcastically.
“Sorry,” I grumbled, using my free hand to scrub over my face. “I just…it’s been a rough night. I’m a little high-strung right now.”
“Do you want to talk about it, sweetie?”
I had long forgotten what it was like to have a mother who actually mothered. That was just another thing I was trying to get used to. It was ingrained in my mind to keep my problems to myself so I didn’t weigh her down with more than she was already dealing with. I hadn’t quite learned how to lean on her when needed.
“It’s nothing,” I lied, hoping the fake smile I plastered on my face came through the line. “Just tired with classes and all. I miss you. How have you been?”
“I miss you, too, honey. And I’ve been great, I promise. Things have been really good around here. Oh! I even got a little part-time job working the front desk at Trudy’s salon!”
Her excitement rang through loud and clear, turning the smile on my face into something genuine. Hearing her sound so happy lightened the load I felt like I was carrying around. “I’m glad, Mom. That’s awesome to hear. Just as long as they don’t let you anywhere near a client’s head it should be good.”
It had gotten easier over time to start talking about Toby and the reminder of the at-home haircuts she used to give my brother and me brought us joy instead of pain. We were finally able to laugh about the little things.
“I really did give the worst haircuts in history, didn’t I?” We both laughed and I could hear the smile in her voice.
Scattered Colors Page 22