Reggie & Me

by Marie Yates

  In that moment, the room went quiet and the rest of the class just stared at me. So much for remaining anonymous. I found a seat without much trouble and listened as Miss Haywood explained to us that Year 11 was the most important year of our lives and it would make or break what we wanted to do in the future. Feeling suitably uninspired I was given my timetable. As if the day hadn’t already started badly enough I read that I would have to endure Maths every Monday morning for the next year. This had to be some sort of cosmic joke. All of a sudden I had Grandpa’s voice in my head saying, ‘Hasn’t she been through enough?!’ I smiled as I caught the eye of a fellow Form Grouper. She didn’t smile back.

  Miss Haywood pointed me in the right direction for my first lesson and said that she would be in that room all day if I needed anything. I wasn’t sure I’d ever find it again but thanked her and headed off by myself in the direction I’d been sent. To be fair, the lessons weren’t too bad. We were getting the same lecture in most of them to start with. This is the most important year of your life, concentrate, work hard, blah, blah, blah. At least I could just sit and listen so I was quite grateful that I wasn’t expected to interact with anyone. As the day went on it was becoming clearer that I would have a lot to catch up on and that things were quite different here. Whilst I was right that history hadn’t changed, I wasn’t expecting it to repeat itself. I was about to start work on ‘Medicine Through Time’ for the second year running! I had studied this last year and again in the summer holiday thinking that I would never have to do it again, I needed to catch up on Modern World History by myself. That should keep me out of trouble and help me sleep!

  Break and lunch times were the worst. I just sat by myself. I could see everyone else catching up on the gossip and laughing about what had happened in the holidays. I desperately wanted a group that I could go and talk to, but at the same time, the thought of having to talk to anyone scared me. They would ask where I was from and why I left. Mum and I had agreed that if anyone asked, we would say that we moved for her job. That was nice and easy but I still didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I wasn’t sure why I felt so scared though. Was it normal to feel like this or was I scared that people would find out about what happened?

  They were the longest breaks of my life.

  At the sound of that final bell it was like I’d been freed from prison. I almost ran home, got changed in record time and was out with Reggie before I could give school a second thought. At least he was pleased to see me. It was so nice to have something else to focus on as otherwise I think I would have moped around feeling sorry for myself. Instead, I was in the park watching Reggie playing with a dog half his size. There is no better distraction!

  It was Mum’s first day at work too and she came home armed with the Chinese takeaway. This was a very pleasant surprise. She had sent me a couple of texts during the day to see how I was getting on and I just replied saying I was fine as I didn’t want her to worry. Especially after she’d admitted she was nervous about starting her new job too.

  We sat together, devouring the food and talking about how our days had been. We both said that they’d been good and came up with a couple of stories. The most interesting thing I could think of to tell her was that I’d have Maths on a Monday morning. It then went quiet and we both laughed as Mum said to me, ‘Was your day pretty crap too then?’

  I was so relieved it wasn’t just me and grinned as I replied, ‘Yep, it has been a long, lonely day and I’m very happy to be home.’

  Mum packed away the empty takeaway boxes and admitted that she hadn’t really spoken to anyone either as she’d been handed folders of policies and procedures to read. I don’t really know what they are but it sounds about as exciting as having to repeat ‘Medicine Through Time’!

  As I came upstairs to get some homework done she said, ‘It will get better you know, we both just need to give it some time.’ That would be easier said than done when I couldn’t even get someone to smile back at me, but I kept that thought to myself. She was still sure that moving here was a good thing for us and that it would just take time to settle in properly. I really hope she’s right as I’m not sure how many days like this I can take!

  Fifteen

  I wish I could say that day two was better.

  It wasn’t.

  Well, in some ways it was as Reggie didn’t roll in anything disgusting this morning and I didn’t have Maths. Nobody can say that I’m a complete pessimist. School wasn’t any better though. Miss Haywood cornered me this morning with an upbeat, ‘Hi, Danielle, how are you getting on, are you all ready for day two?’

  I didn’t really know what to say. I feel like I’ve got an entire year’s worth of work that I need to teach myself, nobody will even glance in my direction let alone speak to me and I’m scared that people will find out the real reason why I moved school. Other than that, I am fine and dandy! So, I stuck with the standard response of, ‘Fine thanks, I’m okay,’ and she seemed happy with that.

  I thought about what Mum said about being patient and making an effort to be friendly. Patience is easy as I don’t have an option, but I can try being friendly. I had already endured another day of break and lunch times on my own and it’s really not much fun at all. I felt like people were staring at me, but every time I looked up nobody was looking my way. At lunchtime I was sitting near a group of girls who I know are in my year as two of them are in my Form Group. I overheard them talking about trying out for the sports teams for that year. They said that the sign-up sheets were going to be outside the PE block early next week. I kept listening while they were talking and it seems that the school has a successful collection of sports teams. They were listing loads of schools that they were going beat and apparently every other school in the area is crap. It took me back to sitting with my friends at my old school. We were on most of the sports teams and did okay throughout the year. It didn’t seem to matter whether we won or lost, the other school was always crap for one reason or another. It’s amazing how you can moan about your own school, but as soon as you’re on that sports team it’s every other school that’s crap. Listening to those girls made me miss that feeling of being part of something. I didn’t really miss my friends so much, although it would be nice to have people to talk to; I just really missed being a part of something. Maybe I could have that again if I tried out for the teams? It’s been a while since I played any sports but I haven’t forgotten the rules, and surely if I was on the teams in my old school I couldn’t be that bad at it. All I need to do now is find out where the sign-up sheets are when they go up next week. I was tempted to ask one of the girls who is in my Form Group, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  What’s happened to me? I really didn’t think I’d ever be too frightened to go and speak to someone. I felt like I was literally glued to my seat and despite knowing that the simplest thing to do would be to get up and ask, I just could not do it. That’s not me. I used to be the sort of person who was first to speak up in class, first to sign up for anything and nobody would ever have described me as shy. I didn’t think twice about speaking to other people in my old school whether I was friends with them or not. Now, I’m just scared. Scared of anything and everything to varying degrees. My stomach ache had reappeared at the thought of speaking to those girls and my legs felt too heavy to move. I hate this new me.

  After I was raped, I eventually went back to school. I was nervous but I didn’t feel as afraid as I do now. My legs felt like they were a normal weight and I had the ability to move them for a start. When we moved house I was more excited than anything, but as the time got closer to starting school I seemed to get more and more afraid. My biggest fear is that people will find out about what happened to me. I didn’t really think anything of it in my last school as everything happened so quickly. I guess nothing bad happened as a result of people knowing, but now that it’s completely my choice I want to keep it a secret. What would people think of me if they knew? At least my old f
riends already knew the real me before it happened. People here would surely only see me as a victim. That’s the last thing I want as being ignored has got to be better than being pitied.

  I couldn’t wait to hear that final bell and once again I was home in record time. When I stepped inside the front door, I was greeted with an envelope with some familiar handwriting on it.

  Hey Dani,

  Of course we miss you! It’s not the same here without you but we hope you’re having a brilliant time at your new school. We reckon you’ve got loads of cool new friends and have forgotten about us already because you’re having too much fun. It’s got to be better than here. We keep getting lectures about working hard for our exams (like we hadn’t figured that out) so we trying your trick of putting your head in your hand to look like you’re concentrating whilst actually closing your eyes and having a nap! No more sweets in French classes as you need to make a good impression, which won’t be hard for you. We’d love to come up and visit when you’re free if your new friends won’t mind us taking you away from them.

  We miss you loads,

  All of us x

  I cried. I’d been thinking about them ever since I’d overheard that lunchtime conversation and whilst I thought I didn’t miss them…I really did. I miss how it used to be though. I miss the way it was before I was raped. I miss how easy it was just to be together, talking about anything and everything. We used to talk non-stop and I can’t remember what we talked about! I didn’t seem to matter.

  More than anything, I miss how I used to be. I used to be someone that people wanted to be around.

  At least Reggie enjoys my company! He was thrilled to see me when I came home. Knowing that I have to get myself motivated to take him out for a walk after a bad day really keeps me going. As I’m writing this he is lying across my homework and I’m not feeling motivated to move him. I’m not sure that I can use that as an excuse for not doing it though. He does make me laugh! When I’m with him it’s impossible to feel sorry for myself. It’s also impossible to get anything done!

  Sixteen

  Got to love the weekends! It is just so nice to have time at home again. The summer holiday already feels like a lifetime ago. Mum and I went out for a pub lunch yesterday and it was such a nice way to spend a Saturday afternoon. I didn’t say this to Mum but it was just so nice to have someone to talk to! Mum commented that it had been weird not hearing our phones go off all the time. When we were in our old house it was non-stop beeping. Since we moved the beeping has got progressively less! Mum said that she hadn’t really heard from her friends either. Her best friend, Jane, was always there for her and the morning beep from her daily text message was still a constant feature in our days. They were always in contact. Jane was in contact with me too, which was nice, but I do wish I had my own ‘Jane’! Mum and Jane grew up together and according to my grandparents were inseparable. Then, Jane went off to Uni and Mum stayed at home, but they never lost their friendship. I never really had one best friend. There was a group of us who spent lots of time together but I also floated amongst other friendship groups! I was part of the sports teams and enjoyed singing so also had friends in that group. My main group of friends were great but there wasn’t one person I would say was my best friend. Not like Mum and Jane.

  Mum said that we’ll know when we’ve settled here because the beeping will start again. I hoped that would happen soon. The only thing I’d been using my phone for is playing games in lunch breaks when I would rather have been talking to people.

  ‘I’m thinking about trying out for the sports teams if you don’t mind. If I get selected it might mean some after school practice, so Reggie wouldn’t get a walk until a bit later.’

  Mum was really pleased and ironically decided to celebrate this decision by ordering us a pudding! She said, ‘That sounds like a brilliant idea, you used to love all that team stuff and I’m sure Reggie will cope for an extra hour or so. Does this mean you’re feeling a bit happier about school?’ I said that we’d need to wait and see. I didn’t want to lie and tell her that things were getting better but I also didn’t want to worry her.

  It was a gorgeous day so it would have been rude not to get home and take Reggie on an adventure. It’s not like we had any exciting social plans! We set off to a local park that Mum had been told about by someone at work. At least she had found someone to talk to!

  The park was brilliant as it had a little lake that Reggie could swim in. It was the first time we had seen him in water and it was very entertaining. He didn’t seem to understand that coming out onto the grassy area and shaking all seven stone of waterlogged pooch wasn’t going to win us any friends though. He did completely drench a small child and Mum told me off for laughing! The parent wasn’t impressed and the kid wouldn’t stop crying. Mum told Reggie off too, but he clearly had no idea what he’d done wrong as he did exactly the same thing again two minutes later! In an attempt to prevent any more small children getting soaked we headed into the dry part of the park!

  I was still laughing when we were greeted by a very cute Labrador. Reggie was ecstatic that he’d found a friend and they proceeded to chase each other around the park. We were really pleased as this was by far the best way to tire him out! We found out that the Labrador was called Bailey when his owner came running up apologising that he was chasing Reggie. We very quickly explained that this was not a problem and it was really nice for Reggie to play! Bailey’s owner seemed relieved that she wasn’t the only one with a naughty pooch as we told her about Reggie’s water related incidents. She introduced herself as Jenny and said that she had a daughter, Katie.

  We introduced ourselves and Mum launched into the prepared speech. ‘We’re new to the area as I was offered a job up here that was too good to pass up so poor Danielle has had to move schools too. We’re living on the new development near the school, which is nice, but very quiet compared to what we were used to.’ She was flawless. I nodded along and smiled in the right places as it turned out that I went to the same school as her daughter and we were in the same year.

  Jenny seemed really nice and said she wished her daughter would join her on walks with Bailey. Mum was in full flow and they were talking for ages while I wandered off and entertained myself with the dogs. Reggie was in his element and it was so nice to see him playing. I looked over at Mum talking so easily to Jenny that I couldn’t help feeling a bit jealous.

  On the way home, Mum said that it was really nice to just talk to someone about normal things. She said that Jenny and Katie also lived on their own and she had a similar background with Katie’s Dad. I didn’t understand how Mum could just talk so easily about something so personal! The fear started to rise and Mum must have known what I was thinking. She assured me that would never tell anyone what had happened without my permission. The speed with which the fear rose in me really took me by surprise, but I knew that Mum would never say anything. Maybe it was just nice that there are other people out there in a similar situation to us! There’s hope yet that we can make friends and build a life here. I could see that meeting Jenny had really given Mum a boost. It has to be my turn next! For now though, it’s back to reality and time to get ready for school tomorrow.

  Seventeen

  Today did not go quite as well as I had hoped.

  When I talked to Mum about decided to sign up for the sports teams trials I had a real hope that it would be the start of something positive for me. In my old school I was on all of the teams and, looking back, I think I took it for granted. I didn’t just love the sport, I loved being around people and having a good time in the process. We did have a lot of fun and even though I did quite a lot of moaning about training in the cold or the rain, we always found something to laugh about. I was the reason for a lot of the laughter in hockey as I was very good at sprinting and then falling over as I went for the ball, I would quite often manage to find the muddiest part of the field to do this in, and end up looking like I’d had some sort of weird m
ud massage just without the posh spa. While I was walking to the sports building I couldn’t help smiling to myself thinking that maybe this would be the turning point.

  That optimism was short lived! The guys were on one side of the room fighting to get their names on the sign-up sheet and making more noise than necessary just to write their names on a piece of paper. It was as if this was the test in itself. The first people to get their names on the board would be picked! If it was that simple I’d have got here earlier! Looking over to the other side of the room I could see a gaggle of girls doing much the same thing.

  I wandered towards the back of the gaggle and waited. I couldn’t see the point in trying to push my way to the front and hoped that eventually they would start to move away. I knew that I had to sign up before the end of the lunch break so if the bell went for class I could just come back later. I couldn’t help thinking that maybe I’d missed something though. What was the gaggle about and why the desperate urge to sign up?

  As I hung back I could hear what they were saying. They were talking about the PE teachers. I haven’t met any of the PE teachers but apparently,

  ‘Miss King is all right.’

  ‘Mr Bray is a perv.’

  ‘Mr Jacks is gorgeous.’

  ‘Miss Jones is a lezzer.’

  GREAT!

  It’s not that I’m a huge fan of teachers, but I do know what it is like to be talked about. It just made me a bit uncomfortable, so maybe I am growing up after all. I certainly can’t take the moral high ground and say that I’ve never talked about a teacher. We were always hearing gossip about teachers in my old school, in fact with the names changed I’m sure we had the exact same conversations. It just sounded different today. Unnecessary and cruel.