by Marie Yates
I think that I was talked about a lot at school. I don’t know for sure but I am almost certain that if this had happened to someone else, I would have been talking about it. I still wonder about what people would have said, but I try not to dwell on it or it drives me insane. I think that I would have felt sorry for the person it had happened to. I would like to think that I would have been concerned about them, but I’m not sure I would have known what to say. Yet, when I think of other people feeling sorry for me it makes me uncomfortable. Especially when those people don’t know me and don’t really know what happened or how I feel. I do, however, wish that more people had just talked to me. Not about what happened or anything like that but just talked normally to me like they did before. I wish that would happen now too though! I’m being ignored here for different reasons but it’s a similar feeling of isolation and it’s no fun at all.
Hearing what the gaggle of girls were saying about the teachers made me wonder if I really did want to get back into doing things at school. I don’t want to be the person that talks about people I don’t know. I don’t want to make anyone feel the way that I felt.
There was a level of aggression in their voices when they talked about Mr Bray and Miss Jones. It was horrible to hear. From what they were saying, it turns out the Miss Jones is the hockey coach and they were making jokes about the people who’d signed up for the hockey trials. As far as the gaggle were concerned, they all just wanted to spend time with Miss Jones or vice-versa. I’m writing the polite version here too! They were talking about the people who had signed up already and listing other girls who they thought would sign up. I think they even added a couple of names for their own entertainment. On the plus side, I hoped that meant none of these girls wanted to play hockey!
I actually considered not signing up. I was ready to walk away and had come up with all the reasons (excuses!) I needed. These included needing to concentrate on catching up on work, passing my exams, walking Reggie and even time to spend with friends! The irony! It did hit me at that moment that without signing up I am reducing my chances of making any friends, so I changed my mind back again. I waited as the gaggle started to move away from the board and I signed up for the hockey trials. They didn’t even notice I was there which was a blessing as they also didn’t comment on the fact I’d signed up for hockey!
Eighteen
I am in the hockey trials.
I know that it’s not much to be excited about as I’m sure that everyone on that list has been accepted for the trials, but I’m still excited that there’s something to break up the monotony of school. I’m doing okay, getting my work done and not getting any hassle, but there has to be more to school life than this. I know that there is more to school life than this; I just need to figure out how to get it.
I took Reggie out into the garden for some hockey practice last night. He was no help at all as he kept running off with the ball and trying to bite the stick! It kept Mum and me entertained though and Mum even grabbed my old stick and tried to tackle me. Apparently she was quite a good player when she was at school, hmmm…I’m not so sure! Still, I feel like I can at least remember how to hit the ball; I just know that I’m nowhere near as fit as I used to be. With Reggie’s help I’ll be amazing at tackling by next week. Keeping the ball away from his mouth is great training.
I had to go back to the dreaded board to find out if I’d been picked for the trials or not. The gaggle of girls were there again, but this time they were much quieter. They’re not quite so brave in sharing their opinions when they are surrounded by all the hockey players that they were happily badmouthing the other day! That made me smile, I was really intimidated by them before and now I’m not sure what I was scared of. There were so many people there all checking whether or not they had been given a spot in the trials for their chosen sport. Everyone just wanted to see if their name was on that board.
There was one strange moment. I heard my name mentioned and my blood ran cold. I thought that someone was talking about me and I strained my ears to hear more. It was only someone asking who I was! There were a couple of girls at the front looking at the hockey list and they didn’t recognise my name. All they said was,
Random girl A: ‘Who’s Dani Moore, I don’t know anyone called Dani Moore?’
Random girl B: ‘No idea…Maybe she’s one of the new girls that started this year?
Random girl A: ‘Oh yeah, could be. I wonder if she’s any good!
That was it. I suppose I could have just gone up to them and said ‘hi’ and told them I was Dani. That would probably have been easier than panicking and straining to listen. It was a positive and pain free mention of my name. What a relief.
Trials aren’t until next week so I have some more time to practise the basic skills in the garden. It’s not ideal training ground, but it’s better than nothing. Reggie had better tackling skills than Mum, but I won’t mention that to her! When I think about the trials I feel quite scared; my stomach starts its gymnastics routine, but I’m not completely sure what I’m scared of. I have a cycle of questions going around my head: What if I don’t make the team? What if I do make the team? What if I’m rubbish at hockey here? What if I fall flat on my face? I have a feeling that if I do fall flat on my face the girls here won’t find it quite as funny as my old friends did. What if the gaggle of girls are all trying out for hockey despite what they said? There are so many things that scare me about this. It’s just hockey! When I try and be logical I know that it’s just a game of hockey. I have all the kit I need, I know the rules, have played lots of times before and more often than not, I enjoyed it. I have to tell myself that approximately 500 times a day.
I’ve certainly survived worse than a game of hockey so really, there’s nothing to worry about. Really, there’s not. If only I could be this logical all of the time. I seem to have days where I feel invincible and then days where I just feel terrified. I am stronger than I thought though. If someone had told me a couple of years ago that I’d be here now, having experienced the rape, the court case, moving house and moving school, and all I was worried about was a game of hockey, it wouldn’t have made any sense at all! What’s the worst that can happen? Ha ha…My friends and I used to jokingly ask each other that question a lot. They stopped asking me after I was raped. But what’s the worst that can happen now? If I don’t make the team then at least I know I tried. If I do make the team it’ll be a chance to make some friends. I know that I’m not rubbish at hockey; I just have to play to the best of my ability and show them what I can do. So what if I fall over, at least I’ll be putting in 100 per cent effort. If the gaggle of girls are in the trials too then it will just be funny as they won’t have any idea that I heard what they were saying. There. All I need to do now is remember the logical answers to the questions going around my head.
There’s a lot to do before the dreaded trials though…I shouldn’t call them that really as that’s not helping! There’s a lot to do before THE TRIALS! That’s better! Top of the list is the homework that I’ve been avoiding while writing this!
Nineteen
I feel totally ashamed of myself and that’s a pretty horrible feeling. I know that I could have acted differently too, I know that I could have made a difference, but I just didn’t have the courage to do something about it. I know that I’m better than that. I know that I’m not a coward. That’s why I feel so ashamed.
I had PE for the first time today. I wasn’t really looking forward to it but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. It was Miss King taking the class and it turns out that the gaggle of girls were right about her; she’s all right! She asked me to stay behind after the lesson as she needed to go through some things with me. I have a lot to catch up on to make sure I’m ready for the exams, and she told me that she’s been put in charge of making sure I get whatever I need. She even asked if I’d mind being late for my lunch break and if we could go through it now. How nice is that?! I didn’t tell her that this would b
e the first time I’d spent a lunch break with someone.
We went through the coursework I needed to do and she had copies of everything I needed. She also offered to go through the work with me in lunch breaks if I was struggling. It all seemed quite self-explanatory but I really appreciated the offer as sometimes when I look at the volume of work I have to get through it can be quite overwhelming.
‘How are you getting on, how are you finding the school?’ was the question I was waiting for and she didn’t disappoint.
I hope I didn’t disappoint with the standard answer. ‘I’m getting used to it, thanks, and slowly finding out where everything is.’
I wasn’t expecting what came next as usually the standard answer is enough to end this conversation. She smiled and said, ‘I moved schools in the year before my exams too. It was tough. Everyone had their own little groups of friends and I just found myself wandering around feeling like a spare part. I had loads of work to catch up on and to make it even more interesting, they were learning completely different things in most of the subjects. I did okay though, just kept my head down and looked forward to sixth form where life became a lot more fun. Hang in there.’
I could have cried as it was the first time someone had actually got how I was feeling. I mean, really got it. She didn’t expect me to say anything either which was a bonus as I am not sure I could have stopped talking if I’d started. I knew that I was feeling quite low about the way things were going (or not going!) at school but it wasn’t until Miss King spoke to me that I realised what I’m feeling is probably perfectly normal! That half an hour really made my day and I left that room feeling the best I had felt since starting at school.
Then…boom! Just as the cloud had lifted it came back darker than ever. I heard some voices as I walked out of the room but didn’t think anything of it. It was lunchtime so it’s usually pretty loud and I had never been in the PE building at lunchtime before. As I was about to turn left into the corridor that leads to the main doors I realised that the voices were shouting. I had a quick look around the corner and saw a group of five girls all crowded around another girl. I didn’t recognise any of them but I don’t really recognise many people yet.
This is why I am feeling so ashamed of myself: I hid. I sneaked into the toilets and I hid. The old me would have marched up to that group of girls and tried to help. At least, I’d like to think that’s what I would have done. Today, I was a coward and all I could think about was the fear that it might happen to me. I was too scared to say anything or do anything; I was even too scared to walk past them.
I hid as I heard those girls say some really horrible things. They were shouting in her face calling her all the names under the sun. I’m not even sure what some of the words meant, but I knew I wouldn’t want them shouted in my face. I was standing in the toilet feeling like a total failure. I felt so sorry for the girl who was on the receiving end of their verbal battering, but just couldn’t summon up the strength to do anything about it. I was as bad as they were.
I heard them shout a final mouthful and then the door slammed. I opened the toilet door and could see that the girl was sitting on the floor crying. I didn’t know what to do. I ran back to the room that Miss King was in, she was still there and looked surprised to see me. I said to her that someone was upset in the corridor and I wasn’t sure what to do. She took over, found the girl and led her back to the classroom thanking me for telling her. She thanked me? That was the final blow. She wouldn’t have thanked me if she’d known. I should have got her straight away as I didn’t have the guts to step in myself. I should have gone straight to her and asked for help.
I haven’t been able to concentrate all afternoon because I’ve been thinking about that girl. I need to concentrate this evening though as I have so much work to do. I do feel a bit better now that I’ve written it down…I just need to get braver as I don’t want to feel like this again!
Twenty
Jane is coming down for the weekend so I am under strict instructions to tidy up. I think that’s what Mum thinks I’m doing now! I’m tidying up the thoughts in my head if that counts?!
We have had quite a positive morning so far, although it was a little embarrassing too. We agreed that we would need to make sure Reggie was as tired as possible as Jane isn’t a big fan of dogs. She doesn’t dislike them but she prefers them when they’re asleep or in another room! We set off bright and early and headed to the park with the water. We figured that it was a bit early for small children to be out and about so hoped that Reggie could have some fun without creating a drama. That went according to plan and he was swimming around, playing with the ball and being surprisingly well behaved.
Out of nowhere, he was joined by another dog and was so excited he actually squealed! That’s not a sound that fits with the image of our big dog! Mum turned around to check that there were humans accompanying Reggie’s new friend and almost squealed herself when she realised it was someone she recognised. It’s amazing what loneliness does to you! It was Jenny, the woman we had met last time we were at the park, which meant that it was Bailey who was currently trying to chase Reggie across the lake. Neither of them even glanced in our direction as we called them, so we just agreed that they’d surely come back when they were tired.
I recognised Jenny’s daughter, Katie, immediately. She was in my registration group. I’d never spoken to her but that’s not surprising considering I hadn’t really spoken to anyone. We were introduced and had no option but to talk to each other while our mums were in full flow talking about everything under the sun and our dogs were swimming in circles around a lake. It was awkward to start with. We didn’t really know what to say to each other so we started on the easiest subject – school. As we didn’t have any classes together other than registration that wasn’t a very successful start. I didn’t know most of the people she was talking about and she said she was into Art and Music, while I was doing PE. She didn’t seem very impressed that I used to sing at my old school! She said that she hated PE and walking the dog was more than enough exercise for her. That led us onto a much more successful conversation about the dogs!
It was so nice to talk to someone about Reggie. I haven’t really had the chance to do that and I enjoyed talking to someone else who loved dogs. There are things that only other dog owners would find funny and these are things that you probably wouldn’t talk about with anyone else. She told me about Bailey accidently weeing up a man’s leg when he was standing waiting for the bus. That was the most embarrassing thing he’d done. Reggie hadn’t been quite that bad yet, but I told her about him soaking the child last time we were here. They had had Bailey from when he was a puppy so he’s had a great life with them. She was genuinely upset when I told her about Reggie’s past, but could see for herself that he was perfectly happy now. She asked how long we’d had Reggie and that led her to ask why we moved here.
It was easy to go with the rehearsed story, and the more I say it out loud, the more comfortable I am with it. I almost believe it myself! She said that it must be pretty crap starting at school and not knowing anyone. She had been at that school from the start and said that while it isn’t her favourite place on earth, she wouldn’t want to start again somewhere new. ‘You’ll be okay though, the sporty kids are always popular,’ she said. ‘It’s the arty people like me who never quite fit in and get the comments and digs. I couldn’t care less though, only a few more months to go and it’ll be time for some sixth form fun.’ I didn’t mention the girl I saw in the corridor but asked her if she had ever been bullied. She said, ‘Not really, I just stick to my own group of friends. I wasn’t sure what ‘not really’ meant but thought I’d better not ask. Then she said that if I wanted to join her and her friends for lunch on Monday they’d be in the main hall and she’d look out for me. She gave me her number and said to text if I couldn’t find them. I just said, ‘Thanks, that would be nice,’ but inside I was squealing! Yes! Someone to have lunch with!
&nbs
p; At that moment Reggie and Bailey came running up to our mums and completely drenched them by shaking right next to them! Thankfully we stayed dry but it meant it was time to leave. Mum and Jenny swapped numbers too and apart from the soaking, it has been a very successful morning. Both Mum and I are excited by the idea of new friends. It’s amazing how quickly my mood has changed over the last couple of days. From the happiness of Miss King’s kind words, to the shame of not helping that girl, and now to excitement that I might actually have made a friend!
Twenty-One
A day with Jane is always good for the soul, though now I’ve come upstairs to bed and left her downstairs with Mum and a bottle of wine! It might get a bit emotional and messy so I’d rather be up here.
Jane arrived in style with an enormous bone for Reggie. I thought that she was just being really kind as she knew how much Reggie meant to us. No! Mum pointed out that she had probably just bought the biggest one available so that it would keep Reggie occupied! That backfired a bit though as Reggie went straight out into the garden and buried his treat. He returned a couple of minutes later covered in soil and still smelling a little bit of lake water despite the bath we gave him when we got home from our walk. Reggie wanted to say a big thank you to Jane but she wasn’t so keen. He has spent the rest of the day asleep though so our plan did work and Jane is grateful that we tired him out!
Jane brought gifts for us too. As always they were really thoughtful presents. Wellies for walking and a gorgeous photo frame for our first family picture with Reggie! She had come prepared with her camera and we had some fun trying to get Reggie to look in the direction of the camera and sit still all at the same time. I can’t wait to get those pictures!