by Marie Yates
After the obligatory pot of tea and chat about her journey here she asked if I’d like to take her into town and show her the sights. That is a pretty rubbish code for saying that we’re now going to go and talk about whether I’m okay or not! I don’t know why they don’t just say what they mean!
Talking with Jane is always really helpful, but I’m also aware that she’s Mum’s best friend. I don’t want Mum to worry about me so I am a little bit guarded about what I tell her. I wanted to tell her how crap I felt about school, but at the same time I was pretty sure she’d tell Mum. Knowing Mum, I wouldn’t be surprised if she came into school to talk to the teachers. I know that she’d only be doing it to try and help me, but it’s not like the teachers can force people to be friends with me! That would be the most embarrassing thing that could happen at the moment. I am so grateful that I can tell Jane about my morning with Katie and that I’m pleased I have someone that I can have lunch with now. Jane picked up on the ‘now’ very quickly and asked what I’d been doing so far. I think I got away with talking very quickly about how I’d been accepted for hockey trials and she didn’t ask about lunch again!
Jane thinks that with the amount of work I’ve got to do and the pressure of making friends I need to be careful about making sure I’m still looking after myself. ‘You know that recovery can take a long time, Danielle, so don’t underestimate the impact it can have.’ She does annoy me sometimes when she says things like that! I’m more than aware of the impact it has had and I’m sure that any professional would tell me that recovery takes a long time, blah blah blah! Maybe I’m doing okay and an acknowledgement that I’m not crying in a corner at every opportunity would be nice. Then I remembered how I felt when I hid in the toilet. I told Jane about it. I made sure that I included the bit about how nice Miss King was!
I could see that she was worried about me and said all the things I expected her to say. ‘You did exactly the right thing by going to Miss King. Don’t be ashamed of that, I don’t know anyone in their right mind that would take on a group of teenage girls anymore.’
I told her that I thought the ‘old me’ would have tried to stop them and she didn’t agree! ‘It’s easy to think you’ll always do the most heroic thing until you’re actually faced with that situation. Your perception of fear might have changed a bit now though.’ She’s not wrong! I am definitely more cautious, but we both agreed that there’s nothing wrong with that!
She asked if I was worried about the hockey trials! I swear that woman is a white witch sometimes! I admitted that I was nervous, but I also told her about how I’d thought it through and when I was feeling rational I knew that it was just a game of hockey! She laughed and said that she had taught me well! It’s true…she has! She couldn’t leave it there though.
‘Just relax a little bit, Danielle. You’re worrying too much about how long it’s taking for you to settle in and you’re not giving yourself a chance to just settle in your own time. You met Katie without any effort at all and I bet it didn’t feel like effort at all?’ Argh, why is that woman always right?
It’s true, I’ve been stressing out about making friends and then a potential friend just arrived at the side of the lake! It was surprisingly easy.
She wasn’t finished. ‘People are much more likely to want to be friends with someone who is relaxed and easy to talk to rather than someone who is stressed out and worried!’ I was definitely relaxed this morning and I had to admit that once again, Jane was right! She makes it sound so easy.
I always feel better when I’ve spent time with Jane. I would love to be able to help people like she does. She (nearly) always knows the right thing to say and I wish I was more like her. I would love for someone to say this about me one day – that they feel better after they’ve spent time with me!
Twenty-Two
For the first time since I started at this school I didn’t have lunch by myself! The lunch break I spent with Miss King doesn’t count. I didn’t text Katie, but as I walked into the main hall she spotted me and waved. That was a relief as part of me was wondering if she was just being polite when we met the other day and maybe she didn’t want to invite me to lunch after all! All those fears went away as I walked to the table and started eating my packed lunch. I was introduced to Maya and Callie who had obviously been warned that I might be joining them, and to be fair, they were very nice to me.
In an otherwise pretty dull day, this was definitely the highlight. I don’t have any lessons with any of them so there wasn’t much to talk about when it came to school. They are all into Art and Music too but didn’t seem to mind that I was more into PE. Callie said that she was studying Art so that one day she could be a famous tattoo artist, which I think is very cool. She showed me some of her designs and they were amazing. Katie said that Callie had drawn a picture of Bailey for one of her art projects and it’s now hanging on the wall over Bailey’s bed. I said that she could borrow Reggie for an art project anytime she likes! She was happy with just a photo and said she’d love to draw him. I hope that she will as I’d love a picture of him up in the house. For the first time, the lunch break was over really quickly. It usually feels like it’s dragging on and on forever. It flew by today and I actually feel like I could be a part of something. They all seem nice, although Maya didn’t say much!
Geography was a real downer as the group I was in all started talking about the field trip they went on last year. That was a pretty easy way to make sure I was excluded from all the conversations! From what they were saying it sounded like it would have been a lot of fun! I missed the field trip that I was supposed to go on last year. It was at the same time the court case was going on and whilst the police said I could go, Mum wasn’t too happy about it. I had mixed feelings as I really wanted to go and just be ‘normal’ again but I also knew that I probably wouldn’t feel ‘normal’ once I was there! I was a bit nervous about being away from home too. I hadn’t been anywhere really since it happened so it probably would have been good for me, but we all decided that I’d stay at home. I was relieved once the decision had been made, but looking back I think I may have been taking the easy option.
Sitting in the geography class with all that going around my head meant that I was just sat in the group looking a bit spaced out. I didn’t realise that I was so deep in my own thoughts until I heard the teacher saying, ‘Danielle, what do you think?’
Urmmmmm…I had no idea what I was supposed to think as I had absolutely no idea what we were doing! I sat there like an idiot and just said, ‘Sorry, I’m not sure.’
‘You really need to concentrate if you want to catch up and be ready for the exams.’
Talk about pointing out the obvious. I can’t help it sometimes when my mind wanders and I have no idea how to snap out of it by myself. I’m okay when I’m occupied but sometimes when my mind goes back to all the stuff that went on I just zone out. Maybe if I tried concentrating on the lesson I wouldn’t zone out as easily! I’ll try that! I still have no idea what I was supposed to be doing in geography, but I enjoyed it at my old school and I’m pretty sure the continents haven’t moved in the last few weeks, so I should be okay!
By the time I got home I was still feeling pretty good. Thinking about lunch cheered me up and the downer of geography went away. I’ve got into my routine now, so no matter what has happened at school I know that everything will be okay once I’m home. I get in, get changed, get Reggie and get out! I don’t know what I’d do if we didn’t have Reggie. I would probably just come home and go over and over the day at school in my head. That’s what I’d been doing before we moved and it was really getting me down. Since we moved and I’ve had my routine with Reggie I have something to look forward to, and getting outside seems to really cheer me up. I feel like I have more energy when I get home and I’m even ready to do some homework. Mum has said she’s noticed a difference in me too. I wonder if I’ll still feel this positive about walking Reggie when it’s cold and raining in winter?!
At least I know I’ll always feel safe with him by side.
Twenty-Three
Hockey trials day.
I was ready and as prepared as I could have been. Mum even made me a special breakfast and packed a lunch full of energy boosting food. She had read about it somewhere and so as a result, I ended up with a jam sandwich, a fruit pot and a boiled egg.
I had my kit ready and actually felt quite good as I was getting changed. I’d eaten a bit of my lunch and it did give me a boost to know that Mum had made an effort because she knew it was trials day. Nobody even glanced in my direction as we were all getting changed, but I am used to that now and don’t think much of it. Miss King and Miss Jones were going to be watching the game and then picking the team. During the briefing they said that we’d be doing some drills and then playing a game. Instead of the usual 35 minutes for each half we’d only be playing for 20 minutes each half, with a five minute break when they might change our positions. That sounded okay to me!
I got involved with the first set of drills and it felt so good to be playing again. I know it wasn’t a game, and I didn’t even have anyone to really chat with, but I just felt happy to be moving and out in the fresh air. I looked around and I was certainly keeping up with everyone, I wasn’t doing anything silly, and so far I hadn’t fallen over.
Then we were put into teams for the game. I hadn’t even thought about that, and for a horrible moment I thought I would actually be picked last. That has got to be the worst nightmare of anyone who is doing PE. I had never even considered it before now. It used to be me or one of my friends picking the teams and all of a sudden I felt very, very scared. I breathed a sigh of relief as Miss Jones started reading out names and positions! They had already picked the teams and told us which position we would be playing. I usually played in an attacking role but they had put me in midfield. That’s okay though as I thought I’d get a decent chance to show what I could do. Nope!
It was beyond embarrassing. I was tripped up, nobody ever passed me the ball and they made it pretty obvious that I wasn’t welcome. I tried to tackle a few times and once a member of my own team shoved me out the way! I didn’t stand a chance. I thought I might get an opportunity to play a different position in the second half, but no. I couldn’t even stay in the same position! I was taken off to let a couple of other girls join the game. That was it. My 20 minutes of glory had been turned in to the most humiliating 20 minutes since I started here. I felt shattered. I know I can play, I know that I could be on that team and play well. What happened wasn’t fair and the ref (Miss Jones) didn’t blow the whistle once when she must have seen that I was being shoved.
Miss King came over as I was standing watching the second half and helpfully said, ‘Sorry it wasn’t easy but they’ve been playing together for four years.’
So why have the trials then? Why give me false hope that I might actually be able to join something?
‘You can go and get changed if you want to, it’s getting cold.’
I almost sprinted back to the changing rooms as I wanted to be showered, changed and out of there before they all came back. The shower hid my tears as I just felt so stupid. I still do. I really thought that this was my opportunity to make some friends and start building a life for myself. Instead, I was no longer an anonymous new kid; I was someone who wasn’t welcome and someone who needed to learn her place. I’ve got the message loud and clear. I’ve got a graze from when I was tripped up to remind me. That made me cry more as standing in a shower with the sting of hot water hitting damaged skin brought back memories too. It was only the thought of them all coming back to find me crying in the shower that gave me the strength to move. I got changed faster than I ever thought possible and just made it out before they all came back.
I sat by myself, out of sight, eating the rest of my energy filled packed lunch and feeling very sorry for myself. It took every bit of strength I had to hold back the tears, but when I checked my phone and saw texts from Mum and Jane I couldn’t hold them in any more. They said that they knew I’d do brilliantly and they were really proud of me. I couldn’t think of anything to say in reply so just put my phone away and headed to the toilets to try and get some cold water to sort my face out. I couldn’t go into class looking like that. I’d think of something to tell them. I’ll just say that this school has a lot more hockey players and that I tried but I didn’t make it.
I managed to stay occupied for the last two lessons and even walked past the gym building on my way out of school. I waited until it was quiet and checked the board. I don’t know why I bothered as needless to say, I didn’t make the team. I wasn’t surprised but I’m still gutted. Mum will be home soon so I need to sort myself out enough to be able to tell her something.
Twenty-Four
Last night was pretty awkward. I had practised what I was going to say to Mum about there being loads of hockey players and I practised my best ‘not bothered’ face. She was excited when she came home, laden down with my favourite dinner that she was going to cook for me. Chicken Kiev and chips may not sound that exciting, but it is one of my all-time favourites! It’s also one of the few things Mum can cook!
As I walked down the stairs I started delivering my speech. ‘Thanks for the texts and for lunch, it really helped. I did okay but there are loads of good hockey players and they’ve all been on the team together for years. I’m not really bothered because I’ve got loads of work to catch up on anyway.’ Then I burst into tears. Complete fail! So much for practising what I was going to say.
Mum came over to hug me saying, ‘I know you would have done your best, Danielle, that’s never in question. I’m sorry that you didn’t make the team but I’m really proud of you for trying. I didn’t realise it meant so much to you.’
That made me cry more. I really need to stop with the crying! She thought I was crying because I didn’t make the team and I thought it would be easier for her to carry on thinking that. I didn’t want to tell her that I felt completely humiliated and the whole thing was a total embarrassment. I just explained that I wanted it to be a bit of a fresh start and the chance to make some friends. She understood that and decided that dinner and a walk with Reggie would be the best way to cheer me up. She was right! Reggie was very excited to be having a second evening walk and I must admit that dinner was delicious. I had a text from Jane yesterday evening too after Mum had obviously passed on the news. ‘Who cares about hockey anyway? Can you name one famous hockey player? Exactly!’ That was it and she has a point! It made me laugh until Mum could name two or three hockey players but she soon shut up when she saw my face!
Another horrible day at school has been ticked off along the road to sixth form and I’m trying to get some homework done. I’m obviously not trying very hard as I’m writing this but I need to write to help clear my head. I was absolutely dreading going to school today as I desperately didn’t want to see the hockey girls. Thankfully I didn’t have PE today so at least I could stay well away from the PE building. I’d happily never set foot in there ever again but sadly that’s not an option. I was looking over my shoulder all day and I’m not even sure what I’m scared of. They got what they wanted and I’m not on the team so they’ve probably forgotten about me already.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt this scared and it’s absolutely exhausting. I used to be terrified of the slightest thing, the slightest noise in the weeks after the rape. It was completely irrational as I knew he was locked up but it didn’t stop the fear. There was one night when Mum and I were watching TV and she told me that it was probably time for me to go to bed as we had an early start in the morning. I went out into the hallway and none of the lights were on. I could not go up the stairs and even when I turned on the lights I couldn’t make myself go up the stairs. I was completely frozen in fear. I still have absolutely no idea what I was frightened of. Mum came out to find me just standing there, shaking, looking up the stairs, and I think at that moment she was more frightened than I
was. She held it together though and eventually I went to bed and got to sleep but only with Mum by my side. Thankfully I haven’t felt like that since, but today was the closest I’ve come to feeling so scared over something so irrational. What’s the worst that can happen? They say something to me or they push me? That’s not nice but it’s not the worst thing in the world. I just can’t shake the feeling of fear and it’s doing my head in.
In lessons I felt safe enough but walking to and from different classrooms was a complete mission. I was on guard the whole way and convinced I would bump into those girls. What was I going to do if I saw them? At break time I spent the whole time in the loo, and while I felt pretty safe I also felt like a complete idiot. It stank too! I really wanted to go and find Katie, Maya and Callie at lunchtime but couldn’t bring myself to walk into the main hall. While I’m in this mood I’m pretty rubbish company anyway, so they’re probably better off without me annoying them. I ate my lunch by myself and it really feels like I’m back to square one, except it’s worse than that as I’m no longer just the new kid. I’m the kid who can’t make friends and can’t get on the teams. I never thought I’d be ‘that’ kid!
Twenty-Five
I’ve turned in to a total recluse. I need to do something about it or I’ll be back to a stage where I don’t want to get out from under the duvet. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like that and at the time I thought it was justified. I don’t think it’s justified now. I remember Jane saying to me a few months ago that there comes a point when you have to take responsibility for your own future. I thought about it at the time and knew that she was right. Whatever happens in my life, it’s only me who has control over how I deal with it.