by Marie Yates
There’s another study that says having a dog helps to reduce blood pressure. That has got to be true! When I come back from school I am really anxious. I’ve been on high alert all day and I can feel my heart beating faster when I see them or even when I think I might see them. It only takes a few minutes of being home with Reggie and I’m calm again. If I was home alone I think I’d carry on working myself up about it and I would be in a real mess. Nobody else can do that for me. I love Mum and feel really lucky that she’s been so amazing but she can’t do what Reggie does. Nobody can.
Twenty-Nine
I feel so completely alone. I dread Mondays as that’s when I know it will all start again. The week just becomes a countdown to Friday. It’s nearly the Christmas holiday and that cannot get here quickly enough. That’s the pattern now, just a weekly countdown and I can’t see a way out of it. It’s like no one cares and I’m pretty sure that no one has noticed. The way they do it is what gets me, they whisper it, they make sure only I can hear them. ‘You lezzer, you dirty dyke’, with Nina starting them off and then the rest of them joining in. I just need to write and get it out of my head as I don’t know what else to do.
I’m embarrassed by what they’re saying as I don’t know what I have done to make them call me a lesbian. They say it as if it’s the worst thing in the world and I just don’t get it. I can see the others laughing and just want to scream, ‘WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?’ but instead I just keep my head down and keep walking. Nina Devlin is the ringleader once again. She started it and her little sheep have followed. They can’t think for themselves and it’s as if they’ll do anything she says just to make sure that it’s not them on the receiving end of her words. They don’t give a second thought to what it does to me. I don’t matter to them.
I go from feeling really angry to really sad. I’m angry that they are doing this and also a little bit angry at myself for not standing up to them. Most of the time I feel sad that I don’t have anywhere to turn. I am still having lunch with Katie, Maya and Callie, but I can’t tell them what’s going on. It’s not like they could do anything to change what’s happening and the lunch break is the only chance I have to think about other things. It’s a relief just to talk about normal stuff without them knowing what’s really happening. I wouldn’t want them to start treating me differently. I also spend every waking moment thinking about it and enjoy the fact that the lunch break is also a break from my own head. Distraction helps me.
The first time that they said something was as I was leaving the loo after lunch a little while ago. I did my usual avoidance plan and went to the loo just before the lunch break ended. They must have spotted me and were waiting as I came back out onto the path. They just looked at me. At first they didn’t say anything then Nina said, ‘Lezzer,’ in a loud whisper. I think I might have smiled. A tired, worn down half smile. My stomach turned, my heart started beating faster and I was physically shaking, but she did not see that. She was too busy looking around for backup. I wasn’t smiling at what they were saying, but just because I thought that they had reached a new low with this one. Do they want to see me cry? I’m determined not to give them the satisfaction of seeing me upset. Do they want a response from me or do they want me to break down in front of them? Whatever they want, they are not getting it. I am stronger than they think. I just need to remind myself of that.
It’s the powerlessness I hate more than anything. I’ve felt that before and didn’t think I’d experience it again. Certainly not because of a group of girls my own age. I don’t just mean the rape either. It was afterwards too. When Mum and I called the police it suddenly all was taken out of my hands. I have no idea what I would have done if it was left in my hands, but I did feel totally powerless and very frightened about what would happen next. It’s like that now in some ways. I wake up every morning not sure what will happen.
When the police took over I was lucky that I had a really nice female police officer to help me. She was great and she did keep in touch throughout the whole court case. I just never knew when I would hear from her or what she’d tell me. I didn’t know what would happen or what I was supposed to do. It’s that fear of the unknown that I find so difficult to deal with. It’s like that now, except I don’t have a police team to back me up!
I wake up not knowing whether I’ll have comments thrown in my direction or not. I spend all day worrying about whether I’ll see them or not and then by the time I get home I’m knackered. On the very rare days that I don’t see them, I don’t even feel relieved any more. I just worry about the next day. I am struggling to concentrate and that’s not helping me either. Even burying myself in Silas Marner won’t help at the moment! I’m much more likely to bury myself in a box of Jaffa Cakes. If I don’t pass my exams then all this will be for nothing. I could have stayed at my old school, felt a bit crap and failed my exams! I can’t wait for the Christmas holiday now. Some time away from school, time with Mum and Reggie and time to just forget about all the crap that’s going on. Not long now and this year will be over!
Thirty
I have literally never been happier to see the last day of term. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I can breathe again. I had a chat with Miss Haywood in registration today as she wanted to check how I had done this term. She said that the teachers were pleased with how I’d been catching up. They are either very easily impressed or I’ve done better than I thought! She also said that I was very quiet around school and asked if I’d been making friends and settling in okay. I just said ‘yes’ and that I’m okay. What was I supposed to say to that?
Well actually Miss Haywood there are a few girls who are making my life a living hell as they call me a lesbian (although not that politely) at every opportunity as if that is the crime of the century and I deserve to be punished on a daily basis. I don’t know why they have chosen to focus on me but it seems that their tiny minds can’t deal with actual conversation and they can only let out one word at a time and only then with the backing of at least five other girls, who must all laugh on cue. They can only do this when they know that I am on my own because that’s the sort of brave soldiers they are, and won’t ever actually ask me anything or dare to speak to me directly. Other than that, I’m having the time of my life. Thanks for asking.
I wonder what she would have said to that?! I feel a bit better for having a little rant but it’s a shame I have only written it down rather than actually saying it out loud. At least I’m doing okay with the schoolwork. If I’d been failing there too then Nina and her merry gang of gigglers would really be winning.
I thought that they had started to get the better of me. I was waking up in the middle of the night, coming up with illnesses I could have that would mean I wouldn’t be able to go to school. I have a whole list of great ideas that I could work on. Drama has never been something I am very good at, but I have even practised faking some of the symptoms. I knew that it must be bad when I was faking stomach pains up in my room to see how realistic I could make them. That’s pretty sad and desperate! I know that Mum would have seen straight through it, and even if she didn’t I’m pretty sure a doctor would have done! The desire to just not go to school had become overwhelming and I would have done almost anything to stay at home.
I am stuck every day with a battle going on in my head. I want to succeed and I want to do well. I want to pass my exams and have good grades. I want Mum to be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself. At the same time I want to shut out the whole world (well, Nina) and stay in bed. If I think about Nina and her gigglers too much then the desire to stay in bed with my fake stomach pains becomes much stronger. I feel like the odds are stacked against me and nothing I do will make things better. If I think about walking out of school in July, having done my best in all my exams, then somehow the day becomes more bearable.
I have a little film in my head of Mum dropping me off in August to pick up my exam results. We have started the day with a gr
eat breakfast and taken Reggie for a long walk. He’s been his usual self, the sun is shining and I am nervous about going into school and opening that envelope. Mum is doing her best to distract me, but we both know it’s not working. We drive to school so that we can go straight out for lunch afterwards as Mum has planned the whole day. She booked her time off work as soon as she knew when the results would be out and decided that whatever happened we would have a great day together! So, we’re at school and as I get out of the car she just tells me that she loves me and that she is really proud of me. I hope that she still feels that way when I get back in the car! I walk into the main hall without a second thought, nobody says anything to me and I am actually feeling quite relaxed. I keep reminding myself that I did my best and that’s all I could have done. I walk to the desk and it’s Miss Haywood who hands me my envelope. I want to tear it open but I take it outside. I walk to the car. I get in. Mum looks at me, desperate to know how I did. She sees the sealed envelope and smiles. She gently asks me to open it. I have got all As and Bs with one C in Maths! We both cry! Mum laughs at me when I tell her that I worked harder for that C in Maths than anything else.
That’s where the film ends. Who cares what happens next! I know that everything will be okay no matter what happens next. Concentrating on that becoming a reality is what is getting me through. Just thinking about that day and what will happen has made sure I haven’t used my fake stomach ache and it’s meant that I’ve done okay in catching up with the school work. It has kept me focused. Whenever I don’t want to go to school I play that film in my head. Once I’ve done that, I know what I need to do.
Now, I’m looking forward to telling Mum what Miss Haywood said and enjoying a few days with no hassle and lots of time at home.
Thirty-One
Happy New Year!
I can’t say I’m sad to see the back of last year. It wasn’t all bad I suppose and getting Reggie was definitely the highlight but it’s time to start thinking about making the most of this year now. The Christmas break has been brilliant and I’ve loved not being at school. The stupid thing is I’ve probably got more work done in the last week than I’d have got done if I was in school and I actually wanted to do it. I have been so relaxed. It’s amazing to wake up in the morning and not be frightened about what the day might bring. I can just be myself and not worry about what I am doing, saying or who I am looking at. I didn’t realise how preoccupied I had become. I was so overwhelmed by the fear of bumping into Nina and the gigglers that I didn’t notice everything else that I had started to worry about. I have been worried about saying the wrong thing or looking at the wrong person just in case it starts even more people off with calling me names or making comments. No wonder I was completely exhausted.
Christmas Day was great as it was just Mum and me. We went for a long walk with Reggie and then came home to open our presents. We were like children. Excitedly ripping off the paper and then screwing it into a ball to throw at Reggie. We ate chocolate for breakfast and didn’t start preparing the dinner until the afternoon because we felt a bit sick. This was the first Christmas that we have had this much fun as we used to spend Christmas Day with my grandparents. We had to go to church in the morning, which always put a downer on the day. I know that it’s the whole point of Christmas, but we didn’t go any other day of the year so I never really understood why we had to go then. They also insisted we wore our ‘best’ clothes and every year I was told that ‘best’ and ‘favourite’ were two very different things. Anyway, it was really nice to just do what we wanted to do even though Mum mentioned more than once that she felt a bit guilty for not going! She didn’t feel guilty enough to actually go thankfully!
I was really excited as for the first time I got Mum a present that was a surprise because she didn’t have to give me the money to buy it! She did give me some money and I bought her some perfume, but she wasn’t expecting the second present. It’s all thanks to Callie. She drew the picture of Reggie for me and it is absolutely amazing. Now there’s another good thing to have come out of last year. My three lunchtime friends! I am so grateful to Callie as it must have taken her ages. It’s a pencil drawing of him lying down in our living room and she has got every detail just right. Even the design on his collar and the way his tongue is sticking out very slightly. I asked her to sign the corner as I’m pretty sure she’ll be rich and famous one day. She was really chuffed that I asked her to sign it as I was the first person to say that! It was nice to be able to show her how much I appreciated it. I bought a frame and wrapped it up, I almost couldn’t wait until Christmas day, but I’m glad I did. Mum cried! I’m not sure if she was happier with the picture or the fact that I’d made friends!
I had some new clothes, CDs and the obligatory selection box. Even though I think I might be getting too old for one of those it doesn’t stop me wanting to open it straight away and then getting told I’ll spoil my dinner! Never mind the fact we’d cracked open the Roses at dawn and had been fighting over the last strawberry one. Dinner was delicious and we needed another walk to make sure we had room for pudding. True to recent form, I could eat non-stop. I am constantly reaching for something to eat so all the Christmas food was a bonus. Reggie did well with treats and his own Christmas dinner. He was left unattended for five minutes and decided to help himself to the leftovers too! It’s amazing how much that dog can eat! Watching crap TV and stuffing ourselves with even more chocolate took up the rest of the evening. We only had one tiny falling out over the music. Mum kept telling me to turn it down and I shouted back that she shouldn’t have bought them for me if she didn’t want me to play them. I felt bad though as I know money is tight and Mum had saved to get them for me! I turned it down and went to help peel potatoes! Well done me!
The Boxing Day visit from the grandparents went well. They asked if we had found a church to go to and just as Mum said, ‘No, I don’t think there’s one near here,’ we heard the bells from the local church start ringing. Oops! That made me laugh a lot but I don’t think Grandma found it very funny! It was a nice day though; they brought presents for us and even wrapped up two presents for Reggie. I think they enjoyed seeing him more than us. I don’t blame them! They were making a real effort and asking me about school and how I was feeling about the exams. It was nice to just get normal questions. We managed a whole day without talking about what had happened. When they left Mum and I were both impressed with how the day had gone.
Mum’s been impressed with how I’ve been doing some homework every day so it’s meant she’s also had some time to herself to relax. She’s been taking Reggie out for long walks and then we have had afternoons and evenings together. We even met up with Jenny, Katie and Bailey which was great. This afternoon has been spent tidying up ready for Jane as she’s coming to stay for a couple of days before I go back to school and Mum goes back to work. I am not thinking about that yet though. It is still the holidays and I’m not letting any thoughts of school spoil it!
Thirty-Two
The Christmas and New Year bubble has been burst…by Jane of all people. I know that I haven’t been coping too well with everything that has been going on but at the same time I thought I was doing okay. I have been keeping up to date with schoolwork, Reggie has never missed a walk and I haven’t let Nina and the gigglers completely get the better of me. That’s without everything else. I think I’m doing more than okay actually! I can even say that I have friends in Katie, Maya and Callie, which is more than I could say last time I saw Jane. Right now, it feels like Mum and Jane have it in for me too.
We were all sitting having a cuppa before bed (of course) and Jane had brought some homemade banana cake with her as it’s my favourite. I was half way through my second piece – I’m not greedy, it’s just really good cake – and Jane asked whether I had thought about taking up sport again. I could see the look in her eyes. She was really saying that I should do something about the weight I’ve put on.
I’m not stupid. I know that
I have put on a bit of weight. My favourite old jeans don’t fit and my new Christmas clothes were a size bigger than usual. When I’m at home I tell myself that I have to wear my jogging bottoms and baggy tops because of taking Reggie out. It’s not true. They are the only things that fit. I started to get upset and said that she knew what had happened with hockey so what did she expect me to do. I had gone from being really active to doing nothing except walking the dog and eating.
Comfort eating is something I have only done since I was raped. The counsellor talked to me about it a bit when I turned up for a session clutching a packet of biscuits. Before, I was really happy and always busy so food was just something that featured throughout the day and I didn’t really think about it. When I started spending more time at home, it became a distraction. I think that calling it ‘comfort eating’ is a bit misleading though because I didn’t really get any ‘comfort’! I was occupied whilst I was eating then when I’d finished I just felt full and annoyed with myself. That’s not comforting at all. I have been eating more since Nina and the gigglers have been making my life miserable. It’s a bad habit more than anything. I don’t choose healthy food, I go for sugar. Then I feel rubbish! It’s not a great idea! The counsellor drew the cycle out for me in that session and I could see how ridiculous it was. I’m sitting here now with a bowl full of grapes and a Kit Kat, I know exactly which one should be my next snack, but I won’t pretend it’s going to happen. I’m sure that Jane could come up with a million theories about why I’m doing it and I’m sure that she’d be right with everything she said. There is, however, one simple fact – when I was eating healthily and exercising I felt great and looked much better than I do now. I need to break the habit of choosing to eat sugary crap and replace it with good stuff. It’s not rocket science! I know that I need to exercise too. Not just because of my weight but because I felt so much better when I did. It sounds so easy when I say it like this!