by Marie Yates
Jane asked why I had turned to food. Hmmm. I just said that I was stressed about schoolwork, didn’t have many friends and was worried about the exams. I didn’t dare tell her what I was being called! Jane is a lesbian so I had a feeling she would march into school offering to do lessons on inclusion and equality and make the whole situation a million times worse! Who knows, it might have made the situation a million times better, but I’m not prepared to take the risk! I didn’t want to upset her either. Jane is one of the most amazing people I know (even though she has annoyed me today!) and I think she’d be gutted if she knew I was being called a dyke. She has faced some discrimination in her lifetime so she knows how horrible it is, and because she is so protective of me I know she’d be upset and angry about what was being said. It’s funny because when I was first called a dyke that day outside the toilets I smiled because I thought of Jane! I thought that if I was half as successful and fabulous as her, then being a dyke could only be a good thing!
They both started going on and on about how now it’s the New Year it’s a great time to start thinking about eating more healthily and taking more exercise. Mum started listing all the healthy things she could cook (that didn’t take long) and how we needed to cut down on takeaways and puddings. Then she started making a shopping list to make sure that I had healthy packed lunches and said I could drink water rather than squash. Great! As if the school day needed to get any more painful! She said that when we have nice dry days we could take the bikes out or we could start jogging! Jogging?! If I start running when I’m out with Reggie he thinks it’s a game and usually starts running around in circles looking like he’s lost his mind! I don’t think that’s going to help anyone.
Right now though, I don’t get why they can’t just leave me alone to enjoy the holiday. It’s not like I’m refusing to leave the house and constantly eating. I hate the fact I’m getting bigger without them pointing it out and coming up with a million plans around how to make me fit and healthy in record time. I thought that we were going to have a nice couple of days but now I feel like I’m being targeted at home too. It’s the last thing I need. I came upstairs and left them to it down there. I even left my second piece of cake, which I think made my point!
Thirty-Three
Okay, I’ve had a sleep, calmed down and thought about what Mum and Jane were saying yesterday. I guess they’re right. I have put on weight, I am turning to food and I am not happy about it. I haven’t put on a massive amount but I do wish I could still fit in to my favourite jeans and I wish I didn’t get out of breath walking up the stairs.
I know that I said that I’m not choosing healthy food but it’s more than that. I am almost craving the bad stuff. I’m eating crisps, sweets, chocolate and biscuits almost every day. I never used to do that and I know that it’s pretty disgusting. I know that it doesn’t really bring me ‘comfort’ either, but it’s as if I need it. When I think about it, I only seem to reach for those types of food when I have had a really bad day. I don’t do it at weekends and although I have eaten quite a lot of chocolate over Christmas (that’s the rule isn’t it?!), I haven’t felt like I needed it in the same way I do after a bad day.
When I come home from school I usually feel awful. I’ve been completely powerless all day and I’ve been on high alert. I’m totally knackered by the time I get home and just feel drained. The stupid thing is that ‘comfort’ eating has actually made me more stressed. Not only do I feel like crap in the first place, I then eat and feel worse!
At school I am often too nervous to eat very much too. By the time I have lunch I’m more preoccupied with looking for Nina and the gigglers to think about eating. I race home at the speed of an unfit tortoise and just stuff my face with the first thing I find. Well, that’s not true as the first thing I see is the fruit in the fruit bowl! Somehow an apple doesn’t really tempt me and so I head for the chocolate and biscuits. Before, I would happily have an apple when I came in from school and wouldn’t even think about eating loads of crappy stuff. That was when I felt okay about myself though. I didn’t worry about how I looked or what people said. I think that’s because I looked okay and I don’t think anyone ever really said anything mean. I didn’t realise how lucky I was! I know that there’s no point wishing I could turn the clock back as it’s pointless, but sometimes I really wish I could.
It has got a lot worse recently and if I don’t do something about it I’ll end up needing the fire brigade to come and help me out of the house! I saw a programme where that actually happened and I was laughing, wondering anyone could let themselves get so big. Maybe I now know how it can start. The more I sit around doing nothing (other than watching fat people on TV), the less I feel like doing. The only thing I want to do that involves moving is taking Reggie out. I definitely feel better when I do that but I think it’s also because I feel like I’m going out with a friend. It’s fun and I feel safe. What else can I do where I feel like that? A bit of PE at school isn’t making any difference and I’m not really making an effort there because I want to try and stay invisible.
I feel like I have almost given up. I’m doing enough to get by and enough to get my grades but that’s it. I think that idea in my head that life would be plain sailing after everything that happened was very, very wrong. I remember all of those cards that I read just before I moved where people were praising me for being inspirational. What would they be saying if they could see me now? I didn’t let the rapist completely defeat me as I made sure he paid the price and was sent to prison, but I am letting a group of girls get the better of me. A group of girls. That’s all they are. Just the thought of them and the thought of going back to school is making me want to reach for the biscuits. Is that the only thing I have control over now – what I eat? As soon as I think of them I feel powerless. Maybe that’s the difference. I did something about the man who raped me. I stood up for myself. I needed a lot of help to do that but I did it. I was proud of myself for doing it too. I didn’t have time to think about biscuits because I was busy thinking about what was happening and how I had played a part in making the world a little bit safer. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but I wouldn’t change the fact that I told someone.
Is it that simple? What if I did tell someone?
Surely all I need to do is keep my head down and just get on with the next two terms. Two more terms of this? I don’t know if I can take two more terms of this. I don’t think just eating healthily and taking more exercise is going to work to fix the problem either. I know that I will feel better about myself and that I need to do those things to help myself, but I need to do something more. I need to actually DO SOMETHING about those girls and the way they’re treating me. I suppose they are just bullies. I never thought I’d be bullied. They think they are powerful because I am letting them get away with it. I am letting them make me feel like crap. I don’t want to feel like crap anymore!
Thirty-Four
‘So, they think I’m a lesbian,’ I blurted out as I saw Jane this morning.
She just listened, she did not say a word until I had finished. We must have walked for miles and I couldn’t stop talking. After my announcement this morning we grabbed the keys, started walking and everything came spilling out. I felt so relieved. When I finally stopped and she was completely up to date she hugged me. I cried!
She was gutted about the whole lesbian thing, but thankfully didn’t mention anything about coming into school! I told her that I thought of her when they called me a lezzer and a dyke and that she was an amazing role model to me. She cried! ‘I had a role model at school,’ she said. ‘She was the deputy head teacher, a firm but fair woman who never took any nonsense. She got me through some really bad times because she had faith in me and could see something in me that others couldn’t see. If it wasn’t for her I could have taken a very different path. I’ve been meaning to write and say thank you for years. You know what, I’m going to write to her. If I can do that same thing for you and help to
you to see that there’s so much more to you than what’s happening now then that makes me really happy.’
We talked about when I was at my happiest. ‘It’s when I’m out with Reggie, away from school, I love it when it’s just me and him. I feel safe, he makes me laugh and he’s just happy to be with me. He doesn’t let me sit around feeling sorry for myself and even if I’m at my worst, he is still happy to see me. He loves me unconditionally and I don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. I don’t have to pretend to be happy or okay, yet when I’m with him I become happy and okay very quickly! I’m happy at home with Mum too, it’s just that I’m often preoccupied with worrying about school and that probably means I’m a bit of a pain in the arse to be around. I enjoy having lunch with Katie, Maya and Callie so it’s not as if everything is horrible.’
She was impressed that I wasn’t saying everything was crap and I think she’s pleased I’m having human contact and not just talking to the dog!
‘Think back to before the rape,’ she said. ‘When were you at your happiest back then and what made you happy back then?’
It feels like a lifetime ago. As I was thinking back to my old life it didn’t even feel like it was me I was thinking about. It is a totally different version of ‘me’ in every sense. In comparison to now, everything about that time was happier. She wouldn’t let me get away with ‘everything’ as an answer though.
She kept on asking because I was only saying ‘everything’! All of a sudden it was as if a light bulb had switched on in my brain. I knew exactly when I was happiest back then. ‘When I was doing sport!’ I used to do anything and everything that was on offer and I was all right at most things. I loved the feeling of being active, of having a bit of competition and just pushing myself to see if I could get better. I was around other people and I used to be really confident. I took it all for granted and that confident person has almost disappeared. The person who would try anything and be the first to do any dare that was presented to her was long gone. In her place was someone who was frightened of going to school and was just getting through each day with the help of a dog! A gorgeous dog, but still a dog!
I don’t want to carry on like this. I’m fed up. Completely and utterly fed up.
She asked how I would feel if I could have double the happiness – still take Reggie out and then some evenings and maybe at the weekend also do some sport.
Sure, the idea of it sounds brilliant, but that will mean actually starting something new and also doing all my exams. She said that she knows it’s an important year at school but a bit of time doing some exercise would help me. I was excited at the thought of it but terrified at the same time. I knew that I didn’t want to do anything linked to school. Jane agreed and said that it would be nice for me to join something that was completely separate from school so that I could meet new people. I laughed; meeting new people wasn’t going very well for me at the moment! She reminded me that I’d met three new people who I enjoyed spending time with – fair point! I have promised Jane that by the end of the holidays I will have found a local club that I want to join and I’ll call her to tell her about it.
Jane has also made a promise. She won’t tell Mum what we talked about. She has only promised that because we will talk regularly and I will always tell her the truth. I just don’t want Mum to worry and I already feel a million times better just by telling Jane what is happening. I have a plan now. I am going to find a sport that I can do in the evenings that won’t get in the way of walking Reggie and will help me to feel better. I’m secretly quite excited about it!
Thirty-Five
I did it! It’s the last day of the holiday and I have decided what I want to do. I am going to learn Taekwondo! I have always wanted to do martial arts as I thought it would be cool to say I’ve got a black belt. I really like the idea of learning to defend myself too. I was walking back from the park when I saw a poster, there were pictures of girls taking part too so I figured it would be okay for me. The place where the classes are is near home and the sessions are later on in the evening so I can take Reggie, have something to eat and it won’t be too late if I also need to do some homework!
I called Jane and told her about it. She was impressed and said that I could think about Nina and the gigglers when I was learning to punch properly! That thought had crossed my mind a few times too. She was proud when I told her that I’d been on a mission. I have already emailed them to find out when I can start and I’ve arranged with Mum to have a lift. Their website says that it doesn’t matter how fit you are and that they’ll work with anyone who wants to take it up. There’s a picture of a woman doing a flying kick and I would really like to learn how to do that! I think that it will help me lose weight and also mean that I want to eat more healthily so that I can do it properly. I’m sure that if I turn up after having eaten a packet of biscuits I’d just be sick! I am hoping that I don’t see anyone from school when I go there, but I get the first lesson as a trial so if I don’t like it I never have to go back again. As soon as I get an email back I’ll know when I can start. I’m trying very hard not to check my emails every thirty seconds!
Spending a couple of days looking at clubs has kept me occupied. I’m going back to school tomorrow and until this evening I hadn’t even thought about it. I’m less nervous about starting Taekwondo than I am about going back to school! Meeting new people doesn’t seem as scary as going back to a place where you know the people don’t like you. I’ve had a message from Katie saying they’ll be in the main hall for lunch, so at least I know I’ll be seeing them. It’s not like everyone hates me I suppose, it just feels that way a lot of the time.
I am dreading it, but I also know that it has to be done. I hope that they’ll all be busy talking about their holidays and will have forgotten all about me, but I think that might be wishful thinking! I feel stronger since I have told Jane about it but now I wish she was coming in to school with me. She wouldn’t let them get away with what they’re doing to me. When I was talking to her on the phone she asked if I was still writing in the journal. I told her that I was but maybe not as often as I should. I told her that it helped when I did write in it though! She said that I should use it as often as I could and she also asked me to do three more things with my journal from now on:
1. Write down three goals that I have.
2. Write down the successes I have had that day.
3. Write down all the things I am grateful for.
We stayed on the phone for ages talking about it and I am starting the way I mean to go on!
My three goals are all going to happen this year and they are…
• It is April and I have my first belt in Taekwondo.
• It is August and I have passed all of my exams.
• It is September and I have decided what I want to do next in my life.
The first two were pretty easy to come up with but I couldn’t think of third one for ages. Jane kept asking me questions about what mattered most to me and I realised that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I just know that I want to do something that matters, something that makes a difference. I have a while to think about it!
The successes I have had today:
• Emailing the Taekwondo club and deciding that’s what I want to do (maybe I should count that as two?!).
• Taking Reggie out for a two hour walk and he didn’t misbehave once (maybe that’s his success, not mine?!).
• I have got everything ready for school tomorrow and all my homework and coursework done.
That’s not too bad I think! According to Jane, thinking about the things that have gone well will help me to focus on the good stuff and not on the crappy stuff with Nina and the gigglers. It’s working at the moment but that’s easy to say when I’m away from school.
The things I am grateful for today:
• Reggie!
• Talking to Jane.
• Mum (most of the time).
• Having
the day off school.
• It wasn’t raining when we went out for a walk with Reggie.
That’s about it! Jane said that this will make me happier just by writing it down. I’m not sure how it will work, but Jane’s usually right so I’ll give it a go! She said it doesn’t matter what goes on the list, it can be something really small or something really big…as long as I’m grateful for it. She said that she does this every day. I said I’d try but we both agreed that it might be a little bit optimistic!
Thirty-Six
They kicked off again.
I’ve not had one day of peace.
The whispering as they walked past me has become louder and now they have started to bump into me in corridors. One of the gigglers has found her voice and started laughing when Nina bumped into me this morning saying that I probably liked it. Yeah…bloody loved it. Being laughed at, pushed and called a dyke is brilliant…loving every second of it. I must double check with Jane whether it’s every lesbian’s dream to be pushed by an idiot! Hmmm…I think I know what she’ll say. At least I know I can talk to her about it now and that makes me feel a little bit stronger.