by Marie Yates
To make it even worse, I had a test in Maths. I knew that it was happening today so I had revised and prepared as much as I could. It was on the way to Maths that Nina bumped into me. I was really shaken up by the time I got to class and couldn’t get my head around the questions at all. It was like my brain had just switched off. I usually find Maths difficult anyway, but this was something else. I remember one of the questions was asking me to work out the area of a triangle. Why? Why would I ever need to work out the area of a triangle in my day to day life? I just couldn’t concentrate and my mind was completely blank. I had even revised how to do this, but all of a sudden it became impossible as I was thinking about what had happened in the corridor and why I needed to be able to work out the area of a triangle!
I did the best I could but once again I had let them get the better of me. I am angry with myself more than anything. I am freaked out that they have started to get physical but it’s still the way they speak to me…well, speak at me – that hurts the most. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to fail because of them though. Even though I can’t see the point, there is something weirdly satisfying about being able to answer Maths questions and I hate it when I’ve revised and then mess it up!
I came home and fell into my routine, I took Reggie out first. I came home and just ate and ate and ate. I couldn’t help myself. I’ve been trying so hard to break the habit but today I just couldn’t do it. Now I feel sick and even more annoyed with myself.
I have just looked at the goals I wrote down at the end of the holidays and they feel completely impossible. It’s my first night at Taekwondo tomorrow and the way I feel right now, I don’t want to go. I’m not sure it’s worth the risk of meeting more people who might hate me. At least I wouldn’t have to go back again I suppose, not like school. Jane told me that it’s on days like this when I feel really crap that I should make more effort to write everything that she said. I can’t believe she does this every day! Although, maybe that’s why she’s done so well!
My three goals are…
• It is April and I have my first belt in Taekwondo.
• It is August and I have passed all of my exams.
• It is September and I have decided what I want to do next in my life.
I still want to do these things. After today it just feels so hard. I want to go to Taekwondo but I’m scared. I obviously want to pass my exams, but if the Maths test is anything to go by I need to do a lot of work to stay in control of my thoughts and emotions. What if they come up to me just before one of the proper exams? What would I do then?
The successes I have had today:
• I didn’t cry when Nina bumped in to me…I am counting that as a success!
• I still tried to answer the questions in the test even though my head was making it really difficult.
Two successes. I didn’t think I’d be able to come with any!
The things I am grateful for today:
• Reggie!
• Getting home in one piece.
Just two things there too. Trying to be positive and grateful when all I want to do is curl up in bed is not easy, so at least I have written them down. That’s more than I’ve done for the last two weeks.
I’ve got all my stuff ready for tomorrow evening so that I don’t have any excuses not to go to Taekwondo. Mum is finishing work early so we can take Reggie and have dinner together before I go. She said she’ll either stay and watch or sit in the car and wait, whatever I’d prefer! I’d quite like her to watch, but not if she’s the only one there. When I wrote the goal down and thought about having my first belt I felt a bit excited again. I do want to go. The guy who emailed me is going to meet me at the door and go through some information with me first, so at least I don’t have to just walk in when I have no idea what to do. Mum and I both agree that any sport that encourages you to wear pyjamas has got to be worth a try! I don’t think I’ll be saying that to the people with the black belts though!
Thirty-Seven
Taekwondo rocks.
I am absolutely knackered and I think every single part of me is aching but I have not felt this happy in ages!
School was the same as always. The comments were thrown in my direction and I just kept my head down and tried to hide the fact they were really getting to me. I am not sure why I bother avoiding eye contact with them as they say what they want and do when they want regardless. Nina bumped into me again and at that moment I knew that I would be going to Taekwondo. It’s not that I had any great ambitions to throw her across the corridor or anything (although that might be fun!), but I want to know that I can defend myself if I need to. I want to feel stronger as at the moment I feel very vulnerable. It was another long day, only made better by lunch and the thought of going home. I didn’t tell Katie, Maya and Callie about the plans to start Taekwondo as I didn’t want to turn around in a couple of days and say I wasn’t going back, or tell them that I’d been too scared to go in the first place. I don’t think they’d have cared either way but I’d have been really embarrassed.
I raced home so that I could have some time with Reggie before leaving. ‘What do you think Reggie? To go or not to go, that is the question? I want to go, I want to learn that high kick, maybe not tonight but it would be cool one day. What if they’re all horrible and it’s just like school? What if I walk in there and they all just stare at me? What if they’re not horrible and I actually find people I can talk to? If I don’t go I’ll just be annoyed with myself. I can just go this once, right? If I hate it then I never have to go again? Why doesn’t school work that way? Right, I’m going, thanks Reggie.’ Decision made. If there was anything that I didn’t like or anything that was said then I would never have to go back. So, all I had to do when I got home was eat my dinner, get changed into the stuff that I had got ready and get in the car. I didn’t even have to walk! That sounded much easier…three little steps.
Reggie was a big help as he didn’t run off or go chasing after another dog so I managed to get home on time. I think Mum had been reading up on healthy energy filled foods again as I warmed up the chicken and brown rice dinner that was in the fridge! I even resisted the urge to crack open a new packet of custard creams – well done me. That is definitely a success for today!
Looking at the clothes I’d got ready made me realise just how much I’d let myself get into really bad habits. I had a new sports kit that Mum bought me. It was two sizes bigger than the kit I had when we moved here. I used to laugh at people who had really big sports kit. I thought that if they were really doing sport they wouldn’t need the bigger sizes! I really hoped that people wouldn’t be saying that about me. At least I am doing something about it now before I get even bigger. I am not going to let that happen.
Mum came home on time and was all set to take me. After only a few minutes of talking myself in and out of going I got in the car. I even remembered my bottle of water! I felt really nervous on the way there and even though I knew it wasn’t far away it was the quickest journey of my life. Before I knew it we were getting out of the car and I was walking through the front doors. As promised, the instructor was waiting for us and there was no turning back. We filled in the forms and he invited Mum to sit and watch with some of the other parents. I was pleased she was there and very pleased that she wasn’t the only one!
I had so much fun. It was difficult and definitely showed me how unfit I had become (not that I needed another reminder!), but everyone was nice to me and I wasn’t the only new kid. As soon as we’d finished I asked Mum if I could sign up. I know it is more money and I said I’d get a job, but she just smiled and said she’d already signed me up! I already can’t wait to go back and will be practising the moves. I don’t want to have the white belt for long!
My three goals are…
• It is April and I have my first belt in Taekwondo.
• It is August and I have passed all of my exams.
• It is September and I have decided what I want
to do next in my life.
After this evening, all of these things feel doable!
The successes I have had today:
• I stayed away from the custard creams!
• I went to Taekwondo and didn’t talk myself out of it.
• I gave 100 per cent while I was at Taekwondo even though I’m sure I won’t be able to walk in the morning!
The things I am grateful for today:
• Reggie!
• Mum supporting me in going to Taekwondo.
• People being welcoming at Taekwondo and not being the only new girl.
Today has been a good day (well…this evening has been good!).
Thirty-Eight
I got my first belt in Taekwondo tonight and I just had to write it down! I have actually been successful in something and achieved something!
Everything at school has been carrying on the way it always has but sod them, I’ve got my belt. Nina and the gaggle haven’t given up on calling me a lezzer at every opportunity and I still dread going into school, but it just doesn’t occupy all of my thoughts any more. I know that when I leave that place I have great things going on. Nobody from school goes to the training sessions. It’s my thing and nobody can take it away from me. When I walk down the corridors now, I don’t always hang my head in fear and shame. I look up and in my head imagine delivering that flying kick straight into the gaggle. When they bump into me I almost smile to myself (not that I’d ever let them see that!) as I know that I’m learning ways to stop them doing that. I don’t think I’d ever use the moves I’ve learnt but just knowing that I can is a really cool feeling. I don’t know what I can do to make them stop and I’ve pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this is it until after the exams. I just need to do my work, get through each day and concentrate on the good stuff. As soon as that school bell goes I am out of there. Since I started Taekwondo I have been concentrating better in class so I think I’m doing okay and am up to date with all the work I needed to catch up on. That’s a relief as there was just so much to do. Now I only have to do the homework that’s set for everybody and not do double because I’m catching up too. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to catch up but it is amazing what I’ve been able to do since I started actually concentrating and just getting on with it rather than finding a million excuses why it couldn’t be done.
Last weekend, we had a family outing with Katie and co. What was supposed to be a quiet picnic with the dogs turned into a bit of a nightmare. Bailey and Reggie clearly weren’t keen on the dog treats we’d brought for them and when they realised they weren’t allowed any of our chicken salad (yep, the healthy eating plan continues), they ran off to another family and returned with pork pies. That family were not dog fans so Mum and Jenny had to go and apologise, while Katie and I were in tears with laughter trying to wrestle the pork pies out of their mouths. At least Reggie was tired. I’m getting on really well with Katie, but I still haven’t told her about what goes on at school. It’s nice to talk about normal stuff and, for me, that’s a break from thinking about school stuff! I have been into town with her, Maya and Callie too which was a lot of fun. I was looking around me quite a lot though as I was a bit scared we’d bump into Nina and the gaggle. Thankfully that didn’t happen! I’m not sure if those three really have other friends either as they’re always together. I haven’t seen them with anyone else and they don’t really talk about seeing other friends. Maybe I’m not the only one who has been having trouble making friends! At least they have each other and I’m grateful that they have included me. I don’t think I’d be able to get through school without them. They have absolutely no idea that they have been a lifeline for me! Maybe I’ll tell them at the end of the school year and say thank you!
The evenings have started to fly by as I’m either doing Taekwondo or making sure I have all my homework done. Once I’ve taken Reggie for his walk, eaten and done what I needed to do that evening I am knackered. The weird thing is, even though I’m busier, I’m getting more stuff done than before! I used to sit at home, making excuses and not doing as much homework as I could have been doing. Now that I have to fit in Taekwondo sessions and practice I am making time to do my homework too. One of the teachers said to me recently that if I was really struggling to get everything done I could think about repeating the year to get the grades I was capable of! That was enough to make me work doubly hard as I am never setting foot in that school again once I have my results. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I pass.
The bonus is I am losing weight too! All the exercise and no time for snacking means that I’m eating healthy meals and looking better too. I’ve still got a way to go but I’m doing okay and feeling good. I’m not out of breath walking up the stairs and chasing Reggie around the park is fun again!
My three goals are…
• It is April and I have my first belt in Taekwondo.
• It is August and I have passed all of my exams.
• It is September and I have decided what I want to do next in my life.
OH YES! First goal has been achieved and it’s only March! I need to update that now!
• It is June and I have my second belt in Taekwondo!
The successes I have had today:
• I got my first belt! I passed and I achieved my goal!
• I think that’s more than enough for one day! I think there have been other successes over the last two months so well done me!
The things I am grateful for today:
• Reggie!
• The support of my new friends at Taekwondo.
• Having this journal and being able to write about something good!
Thirty-Nine
So, they pinned me up against a wall, called me all the names under the sun and wouldn’t let me go.
I was just about to leave and go home as quickly as I could. I had packed up my bag and as usual slipped past the crowds heading slowly for the gate. There was never anything slow about my journey home. Just before the gates, there is a small alleyway leading to the science block. They were waiting. I don’t know if they know my name or whether they think I’m actually called ‘Oi Lezzer’, but they shouted and then blocked my path. I was shoved into the alleyway where they pinned me against the wall. They were literally screaming in my face. What had I done to make them this angry? I didn’t know what they were going to do to me. That was the worst thing. The fear. After what felt like a lifetime they let me go. I ran. I ran home. Just like before.
It all came flooding back. That feeling of helplessness, complete and utter helplessness. The fear was completely overwhelming. Why today? Why me? Why didn’t anyone help me?
My Taekwondo skills weren’t any help at all! I froze. I couldn’t even try to get away. I just froze. I had to wait for them to let me go. They were completely in control. Nina was the main one as always, but hidden in that little alleyway all the others found a voice too. They were saying the same things over and over again. Apparently they ‘know’ I’m a lezzer. They said I’m not welcome in ‘their’ school and that I’m disgusting.
Disgusting. Now there’s something I felt before. Having it screamed in my face made sure that I felt that way again. I didn’t say anything or do anything. What was I supposed to say or do? Nothing would have made a difference. I was their target for the year and they were obviously bored with just bumping in to me in the corridor.
Like every other day, I walked home, came inside, got changed and took Reggie out for his walk. But yesterday was not like any other day.
I was too scared to let Reggie off the lead. I needed him near me. He seemed to understand because for the first time in the history of our walks he didn’t pull on the lead as we got to the park. He stayed right by my side. I felt safe because he was with me. I’ve read somewhere that animals have a sixth sense about the way their owners are feeling but I didn’t believe it until yesterday. I found a bench. We sat together. I cried.
Reggie didn’t try a
nd get away, he didn’t look around at what else was going on or which dogs he wanted to chase. He just sat. I didn’t feel alone any more.
I thought I’d hit rock bottom over Christmas but that was nothing. After everything I been through, everything that Mum has done to give me a fresh start, all those hours that Jane has spent helping me…I have tried so hard to make it all work.
For the first time I wondered what the point was. If my life was just going to be a rollercoaster of crap then I’m not sure I wanted it any more. I thought it might just be better if I wasn’t here at all.
At that moment, Reggie put his head on my knee. He looked at me and I could see that someone loved me. That made me cry more. Throughout everything he had kept me going. He’d had a crap start but it didn’t stop him trusting me. I needed to trust someone. I needed to ask for help.
I called Jane. She didn’t answer. I didn’t think she would as she was probably still at work but I was gutted. I sat on that bench thinking about what Jane would say. She’d probably tell Mum now that they’d got more physical. She would tell me to think about what I had achieved and how nobody gets the better of me. She would tell me to do some Taekwondo and spend time with Reggie. She would tell me she loved me. She’d probably also tell me to write in my journal!