by Marie Yates
I’m a bit like Reggie with distractions too though. If there’s something that looks more fun, even if it’s just something on TV or messaging Katie, I can easily be distracted from homework. That’s normal, I know that, but I don’t just want to be ‘normal’. I want to do well and I want to be somebody. I want to do something with my life that can make a difference. Watching TV isn’t going to help me do that! I have started to do my homework as soon as I come home from walking Reggie. That way, I know that I won’t be distracted and then I can watch TV as a reward later on if I’ve done it all. Usually, I finish my homework in half the time it would have taken me if I was just wandering around the house, watching a bit of TV and playing on my phone!
I’ve got a little plan up in my room now and that’s keeping me on track. It’s another of Jane’s bright ideas! Every day I have a plan for what I’m going to do…to the finest detail! I have been sticking to it and I’m getting so much more done. I’ve ended up having more free time than I thought too, which can only be a good thing!
Doing something every day is something that I’ve done, on and off, for a while. Looking back, when I’ve been doing this, things have gone really well and when I haven’t, things have gone a bit wrong! After I was raped, I literally went back to basics, like starting with getting up, showered and dressed. I didn’t want to but doing that at the start of everyday really helped me. Then I gradually set myself little challenges, like seeing people again or leaving the house to go the shops. Gradually, day by day, things got better. If I hadn’t done those things and gradually set myself more things to do, I would still be under a duvet, crying. As much as that still feels tempting occasionally, I am really pleased I made the effort and I am where I am now.
With the bullies too, it took tiny steps every day since that first eye-contact breakthrough to make me feel different. They still call me names and laugh to each other as I walk past but they’re getting quieter and they haven’t done anything physical since that day. I know that it could still be a million times better at school, but I took those steps and made a change. Every day, I feel a bit better about it. When I wasn’t doing anything to help myself, I felt worse every day! I’m no genius but I know how I’d rather feel!
I always feel better after I’ve been to Taekwondo too. Even though sometimes I don’t want to go if I’m tired! It’s funny that after I’ve exercised I feel much more motivated to do other stuff too. Even homework! It means I’m doubly productive! It doesn’t work the other way around though.
So, these goals that will help me concentrate on where I am now are…
• It is June and I have my second belt in Taekwondo!
• It is August and I have passed all of my exams.
• It is September and I have decided what I want to do next in my life.
The successes I have had today:
• Being super productive!
• I chose to eat yoghurt and fruit instead of chocolate! I feel great and a bit smug!
• Not being worried at school!
The things I am grateful for today:
• Reggie!
• Talking to Jane and feeling better about what I’m achieving now.
Forty-Four
I’ve had such a nice day! Mum took me out for Sunday lunch and couldn’t stop telling me how wonderful she thinks I am! Always a pleasure!
‘I’m really proud of you, you know that don’t you? Despite the fact that you’re costing me a fortune in clothes, you are looking fantastic. I’ll carry on making sure we have good, healthy food at home and I’m sorry that I didn’t help by buying all the crisps and biscuits. I didn’t want to upset you by talking about your weight, I thought I’d leave that to Jane!’ What would we do without Jane?! I’d be the size of a bus and Mum wouldn’t have said a thing!
‘The way you’re achieving so much in Taekwondo is just brilliant too. I was worried that you wouldn’t stick with it but you’ve certainly proven me wrong. I loved watching you at your grading for your first belt. I was so proud, I still am. I was tempted to give it a go myself but I guess that would be a bit embarrassing for you?’ YEP!
‘With Reggie too, you haven’t got bored with walking him and you have definitely become queen of the poo bags.’ Wow, now there’s title I always wanted. ‘I did wonder if I’d be left to do the early mornings, especially through the winter. You’ve done so much more than I thought you would and he is such a happy dog, that’s down to you and the amount of time you’ve invested in him.’
‘So you didn’t have much faith in me at all,’ I joked. ‘Reggie means everything to me and that I love that we adopted him! I’m so grateful that you let us have him and didn’t make us have a smaller dog! I don’t think I’d feel as safe walking around the park with a yapping rat on a lead!’
She agreed and said she feels safe walking him too. That really surprised me. Not that she feels safe, but that she would feel unsafe. I suppose I never really felt unsafe until I was raped and I’ve been super-aware of feeling unsafe ever since. I guess most people feel vulnerable at some time or another. Especially when they’ve been directly involved with the crap that can happen.
Then the dreaded subject of school…! Mum was really nice about it, saying how pleased she was that I was doing well and that I’d caught up. She said I seem much happier now too! Then she said something that annoyed me a bit! She said that she was worried I wasn’t making an effort with making friends! I think she could see from my face that she’d hit a nerve. I was about to start ranting that she had no idea how hard it had been, blah, blah, blah until I realised that she really didn’t have a clue how hard it had been because I hadn’t told her!
I told her almost everything. I missed out the bit about being called a lezzer and a dyke! I just said that they made comments and didn’t go into details. Thankfully she didn’t ask about what they were saying and she just sat there, stunned. She said she had no idea. She apologised for not taking more notice and asked why I hadn’t told her. I said I didn’t want to worry her! Apparently she was worried anyway so that master plan didn’t work! I told her that Jane knew and that she’d really helped. I think Jane might be getting a phone call from Mum later, but I know Jane can work her way out of anything! I’ve sent her a warning text and she just said not to worry and it would be fine! Mum said that she thought I was feeling so down because I wasn’t coping with what had happened. She was upset that I’d had something else to cope with on top of that. She cried and just said she was so proud of me!
I’m glad I told her and I’m really pleased that I could also tell her that I’m okay now! I realised that Mum has actually been proud of me this whole time. I thought that passing my exams and getting my belts would make her proud but she just laughed! In a good way! She said that all those things were brilliant and that she wanted me to do well, but that she was simply proud of me for being me. All that time it was my own head that was making me feel like I’m not good enough and that I need to do all these things to make other people see I’m worth something. I am worth something just as I am. Talking to Mum about it hasn’t made me want to give up on these things though. I want to do well, but I want to do well for me! I want to achieve these things to prove to myself I can do it.
• It is June and I have my second belt in Taekwondo!
• It is August and I have passed all of my exams.
• It is September and I have decided what I want to do next in my life.
I’m getting there with my second belt – getting closer to that black belt! School work is on track and I know that I want to do something worthwhile. I just need to figure out what that is!
The successes I have had today:
• Figuring out that I’m actually doing okay just as I am!
The things I am grateful for today:
• Reggie…and a long walk after a massive dinner!
• The massive dinner!
• Talking to Mum.
Forty-Five
I guess
the bubble was going to burst sometime.
On the way home from school this evening I saw the headline…‘Local Girl Attacked.’
All those old familiar feels came flooding back and I ran the rest of the way home. Mum was already there when I got home. She said she had left work early as she didn’t want me to be on my own if I’d seen the news. We put the TV on and the local news was reporting that a young, teenage girl had been raped. I thought I could watch it but I switched it off. It was like I was back there; they were saying the same things that they said when it was me.
Mum said that she knew the girl’s mother. Not well, but they worked in the same building and sometimes had a polite chat in the queue for lunch! A friend of Mum’s at work said that the girl was about 14 and went to my school and had an older sister in my year but didn’t know her name. All I heard was that she was 14 years old. The same age that I was.
We got ready to take Reggie out together and I think we were both a bit nervous. There were police walking around in the park and we heard a siren in the distance. I have no idea if it was even linked to the girl being attacked but it made my heart race. Reggie was using his sixth sense again and stayed with us. We didn’t see many people out, a lot less than usual and I wondered if that had happened where we used to live.
Mum said that I didn’t have to go to Taekwondo if I didn’t want to as people would probably be talking about it and I might not want to hear it. I hadn’t even thought of that! Of course people will be talking about it. I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear it but I also didn’t really want to stay inside as I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stay away from the biscuits. I know where that cycle of misery leads and I am not going there again. I was sure that I’d be okay at Taekwondo as we weren’t allowed to chat while we were training anyway! Mum said she’d stay and watch so that if I wanted to come home early I could.
I think Mum had a worse evening that I did, she had to sit with some of the other parents and it was all they were talking about. She looked upset and exhausted by the time we got home. It was new to her too. When it happened to me, she was at home. Looking after me, dealing with the police and trying to keep things ‘normal’ for me. She wasn’t with her friends so didn’t know what they were saying. I think this evening was quite overwhelming for her. She didn’t tell me what they were saying and I didn’t ask.
In the middle of training, I did have an idea though. I get my best ideas when I’m exercising. ‘I want to send them a card. I felt so much support when I read the cards that I’d been sent. I wanted to be able to do that for someone else. It’s not like there’s anywhere you can really go as a kid to get support and know that you’re not on your own. The card would be a start though, at least she would know that there is a way through this and things really can get better.’ Mum said that was a brilliant idea and if I didn’t mind, she would like to do the same for the girl’s Mum. She’d had a few cards from parents of children who had been raped and she said that they’d really helped her. We decided we’d keep it simple as nobody has the energy to read an essay when you feel like that! Mum said she’d get the cards tomorrow and she would ask her friend for the address. That gives me a little bit of time to figure out exactly what I am going to say!
I had been so caught up in how I was feeling hearing the news that I had forgotten about the girl who is going through hell. I felt bad about that but pleased that I can do something to hopefully make a little difference.
It seems almost selfish to think about myself when I know this has happened, but I need to focus on the good stuff. If I don’t, I know what will happen and I’m not going there.
Even though it seems unimportant at the moment, here are my goals:
• It is June and I have my second belt in Taekwondo!
• It is August and I have passed all of my exams.
• It is September and I have decided what I want to do next in my life.
The successes I have had today:
• Going to Taekwondo
• I did have a good day at school but that really doesn’t matter now.
The things I am grateful for today:
• Reggie! He stayed with us and kept us safe.
• Mum coming home from work early and staying to watch Taekwondo.
• Being able to send a card that will hopefully help someone else who is having the most horrible time ever. That doesn’t really explain it but I have never been able to find the words!
Forty-Six
I was quite happily up in my room and Mum said that she was going to call to get the address so we could send our cards. I was figuring out what to write in mine and had done quite a few drafts. I wonder if the people who sent me cards did the same thing?
It’s hard to know what to write because, even though I’ve experienced it too, I don’t know exactly how she is feeling. I only know how I was feeling at the time! I had decided that I probably wouldn’t have wanted someone telling me how things would get better and that one day I would be happier than I ever thought possible – okay…that’s an exaggeration! So, I settled on saying,
As hard as this is right now, take one day at a time.
You are stronger than you think you are, and you are not on your own.
I wasn’t sure about whether or not to sign my full name as apparently her sister is in my year so I just signed it, ‘love, Dani (a fellow survivor)’ and put my email address. As I was sealing up the envelope, Mum came in.
‘I’ve been thinking about what to write in my card,’ she said. ‘I can’t find the words and that has made me think. How would you feel about me offering to be there if the girl’s mum ever wanted to talk? I felt really alone when it happened to you. If it wasn’t for Jane I don’t think I would have coped. I didn’t know how to help you or whether what I was doing and saying was right. I just felt completely out my depth.’
If she did that, and the Mum got in touch that would mean people would know.
Since moving here, my biggest fear has been that people would find out. Mum has said that she won’t do anything until I’ve decided and she’s completely happy either way. She also said that maybe I could think about offering the same thing to the girl. That sounded like something I wouldn’t mind doing. I would have loved someone my own age to talk to when it happened to me. It’s not just that it would have been nice if someone really understood what I was going through but just having someone who didn’t tread on eggshells around me would have been nice! Maybe it would be nice to do that for someone else.
What’s the worst that could happen? What have I got to lose? If people at school found out then maybe they wouldn’t speak to me. I’ve experienced that for almost a whole year so it’s not something that feels that scary anymore! Maybe people wouldn’t find out anyway; it’s nearly the end of term so I’m guessing she won’t go back to school until next year unless she really wants to. It’s not like she’d be the first to tell people about me; she’ll know how hard it is. I’ll be the last thing on her mind!
It’s not like I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops. I’d just be offering to chat to her if she wants me to. Same with Mum. The chances are that they’ll be so preoccupied with everything that’s going on, they won’t get in touch. Or, like with me, her mum might not show her the cards yet! So, it might not be the worst thing in the world. All I’m doing is offering to help someone. If people find out then I’ll just have to figure out what to do next. I haven’t done anything wrong so I shouldn’t be frightened. I can’t really be of any help to this girl if I’m still full of fear. That’s not a great role model for her is it? She hasn’t done anything wrong either so she shouldn’t feel like she has to hide away. Maybe by me offering to help, she’ll see that.
I haven’t really thought about it in detail until now. I just had it in my head that I didn’t want people to know. I felt that I had a dirty secret yet I hadn’t done anything wrong! I kept thinking, People will find out about me. Well, they’re not finding out abo
ut ‘me’. They are just hearing about something that happened to me. That doesn’t actually tell them anything about who I am. That’s what this girl needs to know too. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure it out.
I have told Mum that I’ll do it too, that in her card she can offer that we’ll both be there if they need anything. Maybe this is something I can do that’s worthwhile. Even just knowing that she’s not completely on her own might help a bit. I can do that for someone else.
I feel so much better now that I have made the decision. I think that because I’ve been so scared of people finding out, I’ve hidden lots of other things about me too. I haven’t really relaxed and let people get to know me properly. I’ve always been on guard. I think this counts as a pretty big success for today!
My head is full of other stuff at the moment but I’m still on track with my three goals:
• It is June and I have my second belt in Taekwondo!
• It is August and I have passed all of my exams.
• It is September and I have decided what I want to do next in my life.
I might even have started to find out what I’d like to do next in my life. It feels good that I might be able to help someone who’s having a horrible time.
The successes I have had today:
• Figuring out all of that stuff! Jane was right, writing helps!
• The things I am grateful for today:
• Reggie! He sat quietly, half asleep and half watching as I decided what to write in the card.
• Mum prompting me to make something positive come from what happened to me.
Forty-Seven
Beep Beep. ‘Thank you for the cards, I can’t tell you how much they mean to us. If it would still be okay, I would really appreciate talking to you, Angie x.’